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SELECT YOUR DESTINY BOOK #9 - HAUNTED MANSION MADNESS!

"Not so fast, Hawking!" you cry out, spinning around and pointing your finger assusingly. "I know what you're up to, but it's not going to work!"

"YOU TREMENDOUS IDIOT," Hawking replies with his computerized voice. "I HAD THIS SITUATION WELL UNDER CONTROL, AND NOW YOU HAVE COST ME THE ELEMENT OF SURPRISE." At this point you notice the quite-distinct-from-Stephen-Hawking gunman pointing his pistol at the cashier behind the register.

"HOWEVER, I AM NOTHING IF NOT CAPABLE OF ADAPTATION." And with that, he blows into his control straw, his motorized chair beeps, and suddenly a small black hole forms in the air in front of the chair, swirling and sucking in bags of potato chips from the rack nearby. The gunman looks in horror as the pull of the black hole increases, slowly stretching and distorting his features before pulling him into the hole, his screams fading into obscurity as quickly as they began.

HAAAAAAAAWKING

Then he turns his attention towards you, the black hole still spinning in front of him. "YOU MISERABLE DUMBFUCK. I WAS GOING TO BUY SOME CHIPS, BUT NOW THEY ARE GONE. NOW I WILL HAVE TO WASTE MY VALUABLE TIME BY GOING TO ANOTHER--" he continues, but you don't hear him anymore. In fact, it's hard to hear anything, the way your eardrums are stretching, the way your face is warping, twisting, slowly drawn to the gaping black hole in the sky. The last thing you see is Stephen Hawking scolding you and looking at you disapprovingly before your eyes stretch so badly you can't see anymore, but the pain is so excruciating at that point you don't even notice anyway.

YOU SUCK. CUZ IT'S A BLACK HOLE. GET IT?
WAIT UNTIL A NEW UNIVERSE IS BORN AND START OVER!

Reader Comments

Baron Von Snugglemittens
Oct 30th, 2009, 07:06 PM
yes! I've missed these! great stuff!
With More Yes Than Ever
Oct 30th, 2009, 07:06 PM
I was hoping that we would be blessed with such awesomeness!
Kat Kat is offline
Breathes Comics
Oct 30th, 2009, 09:36 PM
If I sleep in the nude, why am I wearing the same clothes I "rolled out of bed with in the morning"?
Member OfThe Pigmask Army
Oct 30th, 2009, 09:37 PM
"Doctor says he's got the diabetes, says that makes him hyperglycemic. Know what that is? Means he's got to get a lot of sugar in him all the time, or he'll get all listless and moody!"
One of the best Destiny Books so far.
Kat Kat is offline
Breathes Comics
Oct 30th, 2009, 09:39 PM
Of course there's also the issue of why I have toiletries when I didn't pack.

I'm still loving this. It doesn't need to make sense.
The Claw of Justice
Oct 30th, 2009, 11:28 PM
Just finished it...I haven't laughed this hard in a looooong time. Great work, guys!

Now I feel bad about my meat lips.
Funky Dynamite
Oct 30th, 2009, 11:53 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kat View Post
If I sleep in the nude, why am I wearing the same clothes I "rolled out of bed with in the morning"?
Two words: birthday suit.

Quote:
Of course there's also the issue of why I have toiletries when I didn't pack.
Hammerspace
Member OfThe Pigmask Army
Oct 31st, 2009, 12:37 AM
Wait a second, when you go back to your room after killing that monster, is that ghost from the "A Christmas Carol" movie starring Albert Finney as Scrooge called "Scrooge"?
I think it was a musical. My family watches it every year.
"GET OVER HERE, YOU WEIRD LITTLE MAN!"
I hate this hacker crap!
Oct 31st, 2009, 01:26 AM
Haven't had time to get through my entire adventure yet, but it is amazing. Great job guys.
Space Cowboy
Oct 31st, 2009, 08:47 AM
I would like to propose that the sentence "He flails wildly about as you punch him in the hump." is one of the funniest things I've ever read. Kudos to you guys.
King of the Monsters
Nov 1st, 2009, 01:14 AM
what? no choice that ends with you getting your nuts destroyed??? :P

kidding aside, awesome work.
Almighty Samfucius
Nov 2nd, 2009, 12:56 AM
I really hate to be a wet blanket, but as an actual type 1 diabetic, I'd just like to point out that too much insulin is the cause of a diabetic seizure, not at all the solution. The solution to hypoglycemia (what causes a seizure) is more sugar, and the way to deal with a seizure in progress is to give the person a glucagon shot, which is quite distinctive from an insulin shot.
The Goddamned Batman
Nov 2nd, 2009, 07:45 PM
You know that this story is supposed to be funny, full of teh jokes, and in no way educational or based on true events, right?
Funky Dynamite
Nov 3rd, 2009, 04:47 PM
I was just glad I could spell "diabetes" correctly after years of hearing those commercials with Wilford Brimley.
Forum Virgin
Nov 8th, 2009, 01:45 PM
so, is there a good ending? I think I went through all the choices and never saw one that I would think of as a happy ending for player.

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