...CONTINUED

The zombies crash the party and start tearing apart the guests in insanely gruesome ways. Naturally, all of these people become zombies too. So it's quickly turned into a big

ZOMBIE PARTY!!!!!!

One guy has his legs chewed off and before one of the women nearby can finish her screaming, a zombie punches his fist through the back of her head and continues to attack people with her body still impaled on his fist! Brutal goodness at its finest!

Down in the kitchen, Paquita shows off some of her own zombie fightin' skills by shoving one into a light socket. The zombie then fries and puts on a dandy light display for the whole family to enjoy. Somebody really should make a night-lite from a zombie head. They'd sell like pancakes. Actually, I never buy pancakes, I buy big Belgian waffles with loads of confectionary sugar on 'em. So to rephrase: the zombie night-lites would sell like Belgian waffles.

In the upstairs bathroom, Lionel is duking it out with the old zombie punk who has just lost the lower half of his body. Lionel shoves the punk's upper torso into the toilet, but his lower intestines have taken on a mind of their own. It chases Lionel around but then takes a break to a look in the mirror. It actually sits there styling what would be its hair, if it had any. Then again, it is a zombie intestinal tract, so who knows... maybe it will grow hair. Anything is possible with zombies. And, for you ladies out there, this set of lower intestines is single and looking for love. Hubba hubba!

Back in the kitchen, uncle Les has found himself two meat-cleavers and it is at this point when he loses all sanity and goes into Berserker Mode. With the superfast way he hacks at the zombies, you'd think the guy was on a mixture of speed and Jolt cola. And by the time he's finished, there's a ridiculously huge pile of severed limbs in the kitchen. Then that baby zombie sneaks up on him, kicks him in the nuts, and then runs into the basement. Not to be outdone by a mere baby, he follows after it.

Too bad for uncle Les, the baby has just led him into a trap. There's some huge beast in the basement, oh I wonder who ever could it be? Well, the giant zombie beast rips off Les' head and spinal column while the baby zombie looks on and laughs. Uncle Les does return as a zombie, but Paquita quickly kills him off by grabbing his spine, slinging it around, and finally smashing his head into a goopy mess. Way to go Paquita!

Just then the door bursts open and it's Lionel! But it's not the wimpy momma's boy Lionel that we've all come to know. No, this is the "I've lost my mind and I've got a lawnmower strapped to my chest to prove it" Lionel that we've all been waiting for! He announces that the party is officially over and proceeds to take on all of the zombies by himself.

This is perhaps the most blood splatterific scene you will ever see in a horror flick. There is just an absurd amount of blood and gore and chunks and bone and who knows what else being splattered all over the house. Even a zombie head that has no lower jaw isn't spared from a grisly demise as it is put into a blender and puréed. Anybody for a zombie daiquiri?

Did I mention that there was absurd amounts of blood and gore splattering?

I did? Are you sure? I'm not really sure I drove that point home strongly enough.

Well, when it's all said and done, Lionel and Paquita embrace in the middle of a gore covered floor. In all honesty, I would rather be single-handedly responsible for the clean-up of the 9/11 attacks than to have to deal with the mess they made in this house. And it's not over yet. Lionel's mum somehow grew five times her original size and is now a huge zombie beast.

She knocks Paquita over to the side of the roof and wants to keep Lionel for herself as usual. Lionel yells at her and tells her that he knows about how she killed his dad and now he doesn't feel guilty anymore. Lionel has broken free of his mum, but she has other plans for him. Her chest and stomach open up and she sucks Lionel in. He was conceived in his mum, so I guess she figures that he should die in her as well.

Too bad for her, she didn't count on him having that magical amulet on hand which allowed him to cut through her innards like warm butter. And as if they hadn't already used ungodly amounts of blood for the film, they unleash what seems like two truckloads of the stuff from her huge gullet.

Lionel emerges from the blood and guts that poured out as his mum falls back into the house which is now engulfed in flames. He then slaps his belt onto a nearby power cable and slides away to safety with Paquita in his arms. Within one hour he has gone from a complete wimp to a zombie killing power dude. Impressive.

So in the end I learned a few interesting things from this movie. First, I learned that Peter Jackson will never be able to top this cinematic masterpiece, no matter how hard he tries to do so with Lord of the Rings and the like. Next, I learned that in addition to a steady diet of human flesh, zombies have raging hormones which can lead pregnancies that last less than 5 minutes. I also learned that even though a priest is supposed to be a kind-hearted man, he'll not hesitate to kick your ass for disturbing the kingdom of god. But most importantly, I learned that it's best to let a house burn to the ground rather than clean it up after you've just killed hundreds of zombies inside it. That being said, I gotta go find some matches... cuz there's no way I'm going to clean up this mess.

the end.

-RoG-

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