crash the party and start tearing apart the guests in insanely gruesome
ways. Naturally, all of these people become zombies too. So it's quickly
turned into a big
One guy has
his legs chewed off and before one of the women nearby can finish her
screaming, a zombie punches his fist through the back of her head and
continues to attack people with her body still impaled on his fist! Brutal
goodness at its finest!
Down in the
kitchen, Paquita shows off some of her own zombie fightin' skills by
shoving one into a light socket. The zombie then fries and puts on a dandy
light display for the whole family to enjoy. Somebody really should make a
night-lite from a zombie head. They'd sell like pancakes. Actually, I
never buy pancakes, I buy big Belgian waffles with loads of confectionary
sugar on 'em. So to rephrase: the zombie night-lites would sell like
upstairs bathroom, Lionel is duking it out with the old zombie punk who
has just lost the lower half of his body. Lionel shoves the punk's upper
torso into the toilet, but his lower intestines have taken on a mind of
their own. It chases Lionel around but then takes a break to a look in the
mirror. It actually sits there styling what would be its hair, if it had
any. Then again, it is a zombie intestinal tract, so who knows... maybe it
will grow hair. Anything is possible with zombies. And, for you ladies out
there, this set of lower intestines is single and looking for love. Hubba
Back in the
kitchen, uncle Les has found himself two meat-cleavers and it is at this
point when he loses all sanity and goes into Berserker Mode. With
the superfast way he hacks at the zombies, you'd think the guy was on a
mixture of speed and Jolt cola. And by the time he's finished, there's a
ridiculously huge pile of severed limbs in the kitchen. Then that baby
zombie sneaks up on him, kicks him in the nuts, and then runs into the
basement. Not to be outdone by a mere baby, he follows after it.
Too bad for
uncle Les, the baby has just led him into a trap. There's some huge beast
in the basement, oh I wonder who ever could it be? Well, the giant zombie
beast rips off Les' head and spinal column while the baby zombie looks on
and laughs. Uncle Les does return as a zombie, but Paquita quickly kills
him off by grabbing his spine, slinging it around, and finally smashing
his head into a goopy mess. Way to go Paquita!
the door bursts open and it's Lionel! But it's not the wimpy momma's boy
Lionel that we've all come to know. No, this is the "I've lost my mind and
I've got a lawnmower strapped to my chest to prove it" Lionel that we've
all been waiting for! He announces that the party is officially over and
proceeds to take on all of the zombies by himself.
perhaps the most blood splatterific scene you will ever see in a horror
flick. There is just an absurd amount of blood and gore and chunks and
bone and who knows what else being splattered all over the house. Even a
zombie head that has no lower jaw isn't spared from a grisly demise as it
is put into a blender and puréed. Anybody for a zombie daiquiri?
mention that there was absurd amounts of blood and gore splattering?
I did? Are
you sure? I'm not really sure I drove that point home strongly enough.
it's all said and done, Lionel and Paquita embrace in the middle of a gore
covered floor. In all honesty, I would rather be single-handedly
responsible for the clean-up of the 9/11 attacks than to have to deal with
the mess they made in this house. And it's not over yet. Lionel's mum
somehow grew five times her original size and is now a huge zombie beast.
Paquita over to the side of the roof and wants to keep Lionel for herself
as usual. Lionel yells at her and tells her that he knows about how she
killed his dad and now he doesn't feel guilty anymore. Lionel has broken
free of his mum, but she has other plans for him. Her chest and stomach
open up and she sucks Lionel in. He was conceived in his mum, so I guess
she figures that he should die in her as well.
Too bad for
her, she didn't count on him having that magical amulet on hand which
allowed him to cut through her innards like warm butter. And as if they
hadn't already used ungodly amounts of blood for the film, they unleash
what seems like two truckloads of the stuff from her huge gullet.
emerges from the blood and guts that poured out as his mum falls back into
the house which is now engulfed in flames. He then slaps his belt onto a
nearby power cable and slides away to safety with Paquita in his arms.
Within one hour he has gone from a complete wimp to a zombie killing power
So in the
end I learned a few interesting things from this movie. First, I learned
that Peter Jackson will never be able to top this cinematic masterpiece,
no matter how hard he tries to do so with Lord of the Rings and the like.
Next, I learned that in addition to a steady diet of human flesh, zombies
have raging hormones which can lead pregnancies that last less than 5
minutes. I also learned that even though a priest is supposed to be a
kind-hearted man, he'll not hesitate to kick your ass for disturbing the
kingdom of god. But most importantly, I learned that it's best to let a
house burn to the ground rather than clean it up after you've just killed
hundreds of zombies inside it. That being said, I gotta go find some
matches... cuz there's no way I'm going to clean up this mess.
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