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Dead Heat!
by: Dr. Boogie

...CONTINUED

They cut Doug down and Randi goes to shower off all the duck sauce and zombie juice she's acquired over the course of the day. Roger goes to peep on her, but she has something even more shocking for him: that story about going to the hospital for drugs and leaving with a job and house? Another lie. Turns out she was in the hospital for a nasty case of death, and Loudermilk revived her, promising to keep her going if she helped out. That, too, was apparently a lie.

The two look on as Randi's hand starts to blacken before their very eyes. The rest of her soon follows:

She really should've skipped that shower. Apparently, zombies are water soluble. I think it's safe to say, though, that Roger has officially lost his erection (deadwood, ahahaha!).

Roger carries on remarkably well, all things considered: he lost his partner, a woman he was peeping on melted before his very eyes, and now, he knows that he'll share her fate in a few short hours. Even with all that on his mind, he still figures out that the number he found at the tomb is actually a code based on the letters-to-numbers arrangement used in a telephone. Even more amazing, Roger determines that the numbers spell out Dr. MacNab's license plate, "BODYDOC". That's great, Roger, but what about the other three numbers in the code? Were those just spares in case there was a problem with the other numbers?

Whatever. The point is that code points him to MacNab, far more than any of the other pieces of circumstantial evidence did. He goes to confront MacNab, and not a moment too soon, as he's starting to look the part of the zombie cop:

Back at the morgue, MacNab continues to brush off all of what Roger says, and Roger outlines the scheme for MacNab, and for those of us who are still a little fuzzy on the details:

Dante Pharmaceuticals made a resurrection machine, and MacNab tried it out a few times, creating zombie robbers. Then, in a seemingly unrelated move, he started burying rich people alive and stealing their money somehow. Then, Loudermilk found out and wanted to rat him out, so he buried him alive too, but not before he could leave a message that sort of pointed the finger at MacNab. He then killed Roger for stumbling upon his scheme with those jewelry store robbers.

Not a lick of this explanation makes any sense. MacNab was robbing and entombing the rich, while simultaneously sending out zombie robbers to get him more money? Was there a deleted scene where the real plot was explained? Well, unfortunately, Roger's insane theory goes on long enough for Thule to arrive with a pair of zombies that grab Roger and knock him out. Which you can apparently do to a zombie.

When he wakes up minutes later, Roger is being dragged outside by Thule's zombies. Thule cautions MacNab that they should take care of Roger now, but like a Bond villain, MacNab insists on drawing things out. He handcuffs Roger and locks him in a special, soundproof ambulance just outside the morgue with a friend of his.

So now both of Roger's love interests are dead, and he's going to dissolve in 45 minutes, according to MacNab. Already, though, Roger has a plan to escape:

He reaches into the front and shifts the ambulance out of "park" with his foot. The ambulance then begins rolling downhill. Along the way, it nudges another parked car, causing it to slip out of "park" and roll down the hill as well. The other car rolls all the way down and into an intersection, causing a small pileup, and the ambulance follows suit.

Roger yells in triumph as the ambulance slams into another car, flips over, and bursts into flames. You know, when Macnab was trying to brush Roger's explanations aside, he said that the synapses in his brain were starting to break down, and after seeing Roger's escape plan unfold, I have to agree. It's hard to imagine a more insanely idiotic way to get out of a pair of handcuffs.

The fire department and another ambulance arrive on the scene, presumably within 45 minutes, and begin to put out the flames and retrieve the bodies. Roger demonstrates his resourcefulness once more as he manages to pull down the zipper of a body bag from the inside. He then emerges from the bag, much to the chagrins of the two paramedics.

That fire did a number on his face. And look what it did to his hair!

The combination of his unlife and the new haircut horrifies the authorities. One of the cops pulls a gun on him, but Roger gives him yet another surprise.


"Surpriiiise."

The badge does surprise the cop, so much so that he doesn't protest when Roger asks for his gun and motorcycle.

Now fully strapped, Roger races toward Dante Pharmaceuticals like a rotting Poncherello.

Meanwhile, MacNab is at Dante Pharmaceuticals hosting a seminar on the resurrection machine for a group of wealthy old people. He introduces everyone to the late Arthur P. Loudermilk. Everyone believed him to be dead, but he explains the person who was buried in his place was a "volunteer". Getting back to Roger's take on MacNab's scheme, was the secret code supposed to have been left by the guy buried in Loudermilk's place? Has Loudermilk used the resurrection machine himself, or did he just fake his own death? These are all questions that will go unanswered. Loudermilk explains that he'll give use of the machine to the assembled wealthy types if they fork over half of their fortunes. Nobody believes him, and so he administers a demonstration with a yet unrevealed body.

Outside, Roger pulls some John Woo stunt, hurling himself over the handlebars of the motorcycle and shooting the two guards stationed at the security desk. From them, he gets an uzi, a lot of ammunition, and some hand grenades. Now, I could see a private security force maybe getting their hands on some automatic weapons, but grenades?

Anyway, he marches through the complex, mowing down the rest of the guards, no problem. His march is delayed briefly when he encounters a zombie guard.

The two of them just stand there, drilling each other with machinegun fire. Finally, the guard is driven backward into the Asphyxiation Room. Roger shuts the door and tosses a grenade in for good measure.

Having made his way to the back room, the assembled rich people gape in horror at the mutilated Roger. MacNab, forgetting that you can't shoot a zombie to death, orders Thule to do just that. Thule does succeed in accidentally hitting a few rich people, but he finds himself to be far less resistant to gunfire than Roger.

Even so, another guard, completely unfazed by Roger shrugging off Thule's spray of bullets, decides to try his luck. Roger doesn't even bother to shoot this one, instead tossing him into a transformer along the side of the room.

That just leaves MacNab and Loudermilk. Roger says he's only interested in MacNab, and the good doctor reveals one more surprise for Roger.


"Kill this guy, would you?"

The test subject for Loudermilk's demonstration was Doug. I don't know which is more impressive: The fact that MacNab was able to retrieve Doug's corpse form Randi's house in such a short amount of time, or that the resurrection machine fixed Doug's waterlogged facial features. Roger is initially relieved, but MacNab explains that Doug has been brain dead too long to be able to do anything, apart from accept simple commands like the above line.

Doug grabs Roger, and it doesn't look good for our undead protagonists. Luckily, Roger is able to reverse the whole "brain dead too long" thing by referencing the lipstick scene heretofore thought to be a pointless scene. Doug snaps out of it, and the two of them advance on MacNab.


"Kill'em! What can't ya kill'em!?"
"Shut up, you old fart!"

Macnab does his best to fend off Doug and Roger, but when it becomes obvious that bullets still have no effect on them, he turns the gun on himself. Roger is furious at being denied his vengeance. That is until he remembered the resurrection machine.

They throw MacNab on the resurrection machine, bring him back to life, and then give him the juice one more time. The result: he explodes like a frog in a microwave. Ah, justice.

Their revenge complete, the two zombie cops spray the machine with gunfire and walk off, living Loudermilk to whine about his wrecked machine. Here's hoping he didn't make copies of the research responsible for the resurrection machine.


"You know, Doug, this could be the end of a beautiful friendship."

What a film. I can't believe we haven't seen more ventures into the buddy cop/zombie genre. Just think about it: Chris Tucker teams up with a zombified Jackie Chan to track down a ring of international zombie makers in Rush Hour 5: Dead Rush. I tell you, these things practically write themselves.

This movie, though, pretty bad. I suppose it's kind of campy, and it features legendary actor Vincent Price as well as legendary B-movie actor Treat Williams. On the other hand, it features a convoluted plot and a lot, A LOT, of cheesy shit just pouring out of Joe Piscopo. I suppose if you can stop yourself from asking a lot of obvious questions, you could enjoy a movie like Dead Heat.

Here's a scary thought, though: during Loudermilk's resurrection machine spiel, he said that the new machine would resurrect a person without any complications. That means that we very well could see a sequel, featuring a normal-looking Doug Bigelow cursing the streets of LA with a bucketful of his disintegrated partner, Roger Mortis. Witness all this and more in Dead Heat II: Dead Harder!

Have any questions or comments about this piece?
Email Dr. Boogie

If you enjoyed this piece, be sure to check out:


DARK NIGHT OF THE SCARECROW!


THE MONSTER SQUAD!

Reader Comments

Funky Dynamite
Jun 20th, 2008, 01:26 PM
Another shitty movie feature written by a total hack! I remember when this website used to be funny.
Snow Fiend
Sep 5th, 2008, 12:01 PM
I have to see this movie.
Horror-mad Englishwoman
Oct 31st, 2008, 12:31 PM
What's with the name "Loudermilk"?
Bobcat Goldthwaite's character has the same name in 'Scrooged' - a running joke perhaps? Is there any other link between these two films?
Member
Nov 7th, 2008, 01:04 AM
@ bluegrasslass
The only other connection I can find is that both were released in 1988...
The Medium-Height Man
Oct 28th, 2011, 03:35 PM
Hey, I like the hell out of this movie. The effects are damn good, if nothing else. Also, I can stand Piscopo. He was pretty funny back in the ol' SNL days and was also pretty good in Wise Guys with Danny DeVito and the legendary "Captain" Lou Albano.
Member
Oct 30th, 2011, 05:13 PM
Just came out on Blu-Ray recently, unfortunately none of the special features from the DVD!

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