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Things That Must Be Destroyed
Part 2
by: -RoG-

In my continuing efforts to ensure the destruction of all things stupid, I am proud to present to you... Things That Must Be Destroyed: Part 2

Teen Magazine:
Gee, let's make all the children in the land become materialistic clones! Let's tell them that Britney Spears is "cool!" and that the Backstreet Boys are "totally dreamy!". And while we're at it, let's make the kids feel really bad about themselves if they don't look like they're made of plastic. Hell, with magazines like this, it's no wonder there are 12-YEAR-OLDS that want breast implants. Hey kids! Just ask mommy & daddy to buy you an entire new body! If they really love you, they will.

Lenny Kravitz:
I HATE THIS BASTARD. All of his songs sound exactly alike... and even worse, they all sound like they're written for commercials. And of course, that's where I hear them all the time (as if hearing them on the radio every day isn't bad enough). I swear, if I hear that damned song, "American Woman!", one time... I'm going to tear the huge afro from his drummer's head and cram it down his throat! Perhaps that will finally muffle him once and for all.

Dog Shows:
Can we possibly have a more boring, idiotic, snooty event? I'm sorry, if I saw a dog that looked like one of the dogs at these shows, I would shoot it out of mercy. Actually, its the owners of those dogs that put them through "grooming hell" that should be shot. And why must they grab a dog's balls? Balls are not "styling" and shouldn't be judged on. They're there to smell and look ugly. I mean, what if human males in modeling competitions were judged on their balls? "Sorry sir, you've got a great face 'n all... but your balls just aren't quite what we're looking for". Fucking ridiculous.
The Egg Wave:
Am I the only one who thinks this is completely stupid and nasty looking? I don't like eggs in general, but the one thing they're not meant for is the microwave. Furthermore, on the Egg Wave commercial they try to get you to buy it by showing you how people "normally" cook eggs. They have some lunatic frying eggs in what appears to be 5 gallons worth of grease. Now anybody in their right mind knows that this isn't how eggs are normally cooked, but I guess they had to figure out a way to get some suckers to buy this piece of shit.
The Pepsi Girl:
I normally wouldn't even cover this, because like the Olsen Twins, this is such an OBVIOUS choice. But I had several people tell me that I really need to include her in my list of things that must be destroyed. The Pepsi Girl just has one of those faces that you want to stomp into the ground. And dear god, those dimples on her cheeks are just asking to be skewered by a red hot poker! It's not "cute" or "funny", it just brings out a rage from within that most of us have never tapped into before. I once overheard a nun say, "Forgive me lord, but I want to crack that little bastard's skull open!". 
iMacs:
I won't even get into how much better PCs are than Macs. Instead, my reasons for wanting to rid the planet of iMacs is because the entire concept behind them is idiotic. iMacs were basically made for people who didn't want a computer that had a lot of power, but instead could match their decor. Listen, if I want my computer to match my decor, I'll hang some fucking drapes from it and maybe install some floor tiles on it. Damnit, IT'S A COMPUTER people! It's not there to look like a goddamned Joly Rancher candy! And now they've got the new iMacs that are tie-dyed? It's like that new Volkswagen Beetle slogan, only reversed: "More Flower. Less Power".
Non-Disposable Dishes & Utensils:
I've always hated doing the dishes. Even if you have a dishwasher, you still need to take the time to rinse off your dishes and utensils before you put them in the dishwasher. The solution? Break all of your non-disposable stuff. Then buy paper plates, plastic cups, and plastic utensils. They're fairly cheap (especially compared to having to buy dishwasher detergent all the time) and when you're through with them, there's no washing. Just throw 'em out. Bad for the environment? Probably. But when was the last time the environment did anything nice for you anyway? Screw it... save yourself a lot of time and frustration, buy the disposable stuff!
New Beatles Albums:
I don't give a shit how many of you are Beatles fans. THE BAND IS GONE. They're not getting back together, so give it up. There is NO REASON for them to keep putting out these new Beatles albums every 5 years of their greatest hits. If you like the Beatles, FINE. Just buy their original albums and be done with it instead of hanging onto them and buying into "greatest hits" collections that have a different song order on them. It scares me to think how much money is spent on that crap...
Sardines:
Ok, I've yet to ever meet anybody who has said, "Hamburgers are great 'n all, but you know what I can't get enough of? A good hearty portion of juicy sardines!" Didn't you see Tom Hank's face in the movie, "The Burbs", when he had to eat that sardine on the pretzel? There's no need for sardines. There's nothing appealing about sardines. I HATE SARDINES.
Fire Alarms:
The fire alarm in my apartment goes off every time I try to cook a friggin steak. So I have to unhook it before I can make a good beefy meal. Not only that, but ALL fire alarms are annoying as hell. The sound just gives you a headache. What's worse, is any time a dorm or an apartment place has a fire alarm, they make you leave the building. And it ALWAYS happens at like 3am in the middle of a storm. I'd personally rather just stay inside and take my chances with a fire and unplug my fire alarm, rather than having to listen to one of these damned alarms ringing in my ears.
Golf:
The dumbest sport ever invented. Thousands of beautiful acres of land that kids should be allowed to play on. Instead, it is only used for a few rich old assholes in stupid hats. One of the best moments in movie history was in the movie "Falling Down" where Michael Douglas gives the old man on the golf course a heart attack and then says, "Now you're gonna die wearing that stupid little hat!". I sure hope that particular scene was based on a true story...
Disney:
Disney is definitely in my top 3 list of "the most evil things in existence". Everything about Disney is inherently evil. Keep in mind folks, these are the same people that spawned Britney Spears and The Backstreet Boys. And their movies with such stereotypical female roles are enough to drive any woman with common sense utterly insane. Did you know that they completely destroyed the story of "Cinderella"? Yep. The original story was a twisted tale wear the girl actually cuts some of her toes off so that her foot could fit in the glass slipper! I don't think I recall that in the Disney version of the tale. Fuck them...
Punk-clothing Outlets:
To any of you who wear punk clothes that you bought from places like "Hot Topic", WHAT ARE YOU THINKING!? "Hey, these plaid punk pants cost $50! I bet that's how much the original punks spent on their clothes! I gotta buy these!" Do any of you really think that the original punk rockers spent that much on their clothes? Get real, they bought their clothes from garage sales or they took the plaid pants from helpless elderly men. If you actually spend $50 on a pair of "punk pants", please kill yourself.
Hollywood Tans:
I don't see the point of people going to a tanning salon to cook themselves to a golden brown. Next thing you know, these people will be shoving stove-top stuffing in their assholes and cramming a big juicy apple in their mouths. Then they'll be ready to serve come next Thanksgiving! The other thing I don't understand about these places like Hollywood Tans is where their salons are located. I can understand ones that are in sunny places like California where people having a tan is a regular thing. But they've got one here in Philadelphia. Now Philly is a cold and angry city filled with people dressed in black trenchcoats who would sooner chew your face off than go to a tanning salon. But there's a Hollywood Tans establishment right here in the city. Idiots...
The Pope:
Ok now before you religious types get all bent out of shape, I'm not saying this guy needs to be destroyed because I hate him or something. This is more of a mercy-killing. The guy is too damned old to function properly anymore! I saw footage of him giving a speech, not only did he barely have the energy to stand up, but he was DROOLING all over his speech and he didn't even know it! That's right, DROOL POURING OUT OF HIS MOUTH and the pope didn't even know it! If I was the pope, I'd be pretty pissed off at god. If there really was a god, he would have killed the pope a long time ago and put him out of his senile, drooling misery.


"Call me now for your free
Tarot Card Reading!"

"Psychic" Hotlines:
"Can't find a job? Don't worry, we can train you to lie to people over the phone in a matter of moments and take their hard-earned money from them! You can tell them about how their dead loved ones are doing in heaven, you can even tell them completely obvious things that they already know... it doesn't matter! They're stupid enough to believe that you're psychic, and they'll take anything you say to heart!". I think that just about sums up every single "psychic" hotline. Sorry Miss Cleo... you can kiss my ass.
"Old Fart" Novelty Items:
There's a million things in Spencer Gift shops that are completely useless and stupid, but one of the products that has somehow survived the test of time are the "Old Fart" novelty items. WHO THE HELL BUYS THESE THINGS!? Do they actually think "Hey! Now here's somethin I've never seen before! I'll buy this for the ol' fart and I'll be the laugh of the party!". No, actually the "old fart" will probably beat you to death with his cane for buying him such a cheap, useless, and unfunny gift. Afterwards he'll wonder to himself, "Just what the fuck am I staying alive for when my life is celebrated with an 'old fart' gag?". Then he'll proceed to blow his brains out... all because you thought this stupid item would be so funny. Nice going, asshole.
Whoopi Goldberg:
I'm not sure what it is about her that makes a lot of people angry. But one friend of mine suggested that I add her to the list... and you know what? He was right. Anybody who has a name like "Whoopi" deserves to be beaten anyway. I think an appropriate death would be ripping out a couple of her dreadlocks and beating her to death with them. 
"All Your Base Are Belong To Us":
If you haven't seen this joke on the web already, you must be blind. Within 2 days it was EVERYWHERE. And it's just about as funny as a Bob Saget joke on an "America's Funniest Home Videos" rerun. As if the over-killing of this mistranslated piece of shit wasn't enough, now I'm seeing tons of spoofs and parodies of it! People are even registering "Allyourbase" domain names! For crissakes people, let it go! It's really not that funny. Keep it up and you'll join the ranks of Jeff Foxworthy (aka: "One-Joke Losers".)
Clip Art:
I hate clip art. I always have hated clip art, I always will hate clip art. Almost every single site you go to out there uses way too much clip art. The animated cutesy/cartoony clip art stuff really makes me sick! Why can't people just either a) learn to make their own graphics or b) not use any graphics at all!? There's no excuse, if you're using cutesy clip art of any form on your site, please hand someone a hammer and ask them to knock some sense into you.

Didn't read parts 1 and 3 yet? Check them out!
[Things That Must Be Destroyed - Part 1]
[Things That Must Be Destroyed - Part 3]


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