by: -RoG-

Back in the summer of 2013, all anybody could talk about was Sharknado. It was a surprise hit for the SyFy channel, and every since then, they've churned out sequels. Me? I thought they released a far better flick that year. What most people don't know is that in August of 2013, another "Sharksploitation" flick called Ghost Shark was released on SyFy. The sad truth is, Sharknado was released just before Shark Week, and it stole all the media attention that Ghost Shark truly deserved. Who knows, if that movie hadn't done so well, maybe we'd be on the fifth Ghost Shark film by now.

Sadly, Ghost Shark vanished into TV b-movie obscurity, never even being released on DVD or Blu-ray here in the United States. It's not the greatest movie ever made, and has its fair share of tiresome exposition filler, but I think Ghost Shark is a hell of a lot better than Sharknado. First off, it has some of the most hilarious kill scenes I've ever seen in a made-for-TV horror flick, and it has a far more entertaining premise. A shark is violently killed (with hot sauce and a grenade... I shit you not), and its corpse floats into a haunted cave filled with supernatural symbols that somehow resurrect it into the dreaded Ghost Shark. How can you not love that!?

So, what can a Ghost Shark do, exactly? It can literally attack people from ANY location where water can be found, as you'll soon find out. It's my hope that this article will shed light on this forgotten flick, so we can at least see a proper release for it, but also help educate the masses about the dangers of Ghost Sharks.

With all that in mind, I now present you with Important Things I Learned from Watching Ghost Shark:

KNOWLEDGE NUGGET #1:
Ghost Sharks are faster than your jet ski.

I'm sure there are some sharks that'd have a hard time catching you while riding on a jet ski, but please know that this is not the case with Ghost Sharks. Not only can they catch you, they'll strategically position themselves to jump in the air directly in front of you, and then sever your entire upper torso. Doesn't sound like a good time to me, but hey... it's possible that you and I simply have different definitions of "fun in the sun".

KNOWLEDGE NUGGET #2:
Do not invite a Ghost Shark to your pool party.

Look, if you're lucky enough to have a pool and enough friends to fill it for a bona fide party, there's no need to invite a Ghost Shark to it. Your friends will already be more than impressed with your pool-owning-self, so don't try to go overboard. It turns out, you see, that Ghost Sharks and pool parties really don't mix well. In fact, if you take things a step further and try to do a fancy dive off of the diving board, you just might lose your head over it.

Trust me, it might sound cool, but having your disembodied head land on someone's drink is a major party foul.

As if that's not bad enough, it also puts you on the pool cleaner's permanent shitlist.

KNOWLEDGE NUGGET #3:
Leaking pipes aren't nearly bad as being eaten alive.

We all hate leaks. The drips make annoying sounds that keep you up all night, the water can cause property damage, and you often have to call a plumber to come out and take care of it unless you're a regular Mr./Ms. Fix-it. All that said, I must implore you to check your local news listings for any recent Ghost Shark attacks in the area. If there have been any, do not hire a plumber, because a Ghost Shark devouring him when he starts working on your kitchen sink pipes makes a MUCH larger mess than any old water leak. Just stick a bucket under there and call it a day.

KNOWLEDGE NUGGET #4:
Slip 'N Slides are Smorgasbords for Ghost Sharks.

Anybody who's ever slid down a Slip 'N Slide on a yard with some loose rocks on the surface, knows just how dangerous they already are. So, why then would you even think about sliding down one when a Ghost Shark is in town? Even worse, if you get one of the shark-themed Slip 'N Slide, it's like putting out a welcome mat for your average Ghost Shark.

And yes, in case you're wondering, this is my absolute favorite kill in the movie. I'll never get tired of this GIF.

NEVER.

KNOWLEDGE NUGGET #5:
Ghost Sharks ruin bikini car washes.

The female form is a beautiful thing, so I can totally see the attraction to bikini car washes. Me? I prefer taking my car to the automated ones, because they really get your car clean, and you don't have to drive off with an awkward stiffy afterwards. Okay, truth be told, I almost never wash my car, because I don't care how it looks as long as it drives me to where I need to go. However, for those of you who wish to partake in bikini car washes, know that if a Ghost Shark is nearby, it'll make your car even dirtier than it was before... by covering it in blood. Think a bucket of water & soap suds is too small for a Ghost Shark to attack a helpless bikini goddess from? Think again. No body of water is too small for a Ghost Shark attack.

KNOWLEDGE NUGGET #6:
Personal hygiene takes a back seat to Ghost Sharks.

Bubble baths are great. They're relaxing as hell and they leave you feeling rejuvenated. Okay, that's provided there's not a Ghost Shark swimming in said bath. If that's the case, I advise you to forego the bubble bath entirely. In fact, don't bathe at all. Just use some dry shampoo and deodorant. Sure, you may stink after a day or two without a shower, but I assure you that a dead body smells far worse than an unbathed one.

KNOWLEDGE NUGGET #7:
Sprinkler systems may save you from fires, but not from Ghost Sharks.

It's absolutely true that sprinkler systems can save lives. Should a fire break out inside a building, sometimes those sprinkler systems can be the line between life and death. They can even prevent the devastating property damage that fires cause. Unfortunately, if there's a Ghost Shark in town, these sprinkler systems don't save lives, they act as a conduit for Ghost Sharks to end lives. So, the next time you think about lighting up a cigarette, pay heed to the "no smoking" signs and take it outdoors... unless, of course, you have no need for your upper torso.

KNOWLEDGE NUGGET #8:
Much like fire sprinkler systems, fire hydrants are also off limits.

I've lived in places without air conditioning. In the middle of a brutally blistering summer, nothing feels better than running out into the streets and allowing a fire hydrant to shower you with its cooling waters. Yeah, that's all fun and games until a Ghost Shark shows up. You see, Ghost Sharks enjoy splashing around in the water on the streets too, but they also have one hell of an appetite. I'm not sure why they only seam to devour the upper torsos of people, but there it is again. Have I not made it perfectly clear by now that you should really avoid water when Ghost Sharks are in the vicinity?

KNOWLEDGE NUGGET #9:
Don't toy with toilets.

You may think of a shark as a majestic creature... nature's perfect eating machine. That's fine 'n all, but don't think they're above attacking you from inside a toilet. Should you find yourself in a tricky position where nature is calling, but a Ghost Shark is around, I highly recommend running out into the woods to cop a squat instead of using the commode. Sure, it may be slightly less dignified, but the loss of some pride is far more bearable than the loss of your life. Besides, how much pride can one have when being devoured by a Ghost Shark and flushed down a toilet all at once?

KNOWLEDGE NUGGET #10:
Never drink from a water cooler when a Ghost Shark is in town.

Ah, the office water cooler. A respite from the tedium of the daily grind. A cooling sanctuary where gossip can be spread. And now, with the creation of Ghost Sharks, a place of MURDER. Anyone who's ever worked in an office knows that the water cooler is a great excuse to get up from your desk and kill some time, but considering the time spent there can now kill you, you may want to forego the hydration and remain seated in your cubicle.

Remember when I mentioned earlier that no body of water is too small for a Ghost Shark? Well, I meant it. If a Ghost Shark can attack you from within after taking a sip of water from a mere Dixie cup, then there truly is no safe haven from them.

You know, come to think of it, the human body is made of 50-65% water. Wouldn't that mean Ghost Sharks could just appear inside anybody without them even having to take a sip of water? Yes indeed, I've just uncovered a major plot hole in this otherwise flawless, scientifically accurate b-movie script.

Anyway, my point is, don't drink water ever again. Don't eat foods that contain water ever again. Just eat that dehydrated astronaut ice cream from now on and you'll probably be safe. Probably.

Now those are some of the important nuggets of information I took away from Ghost Shark. What about you? Is there anything else you learned from it that I didn't mention? What are some other potentially dangerous Ghost Shark scenarios? Share your thoughts in the comments section below, or Ghost Shark just might have to soon pay you a visit, chum.

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