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I-Mockery's Ultimate Guide to the Halloween Candies of 2006! Halloween Candy!
by: -RoG-

Your taste buds have been dying to know what spooky treats might be headed their way come Halloween, right? Well look no further my friends, for I have been collecting a ton o' Halloween candies to show you this season so you can cut out all the guesswork and go straight for the good stuff! There's over 30 varieties reviewed here so you're bound to find something you like! All of the candies featured here are rated on a 1-5 scale: 1 being worse than a zombie eating you alive, and 5 being better than escaping from that very same zombie who wanted to eat you alive.

The process of collecting all of these candies has been both wonderful and costly; on one hand I got to eat some of the most delicious candies being offered up for the 2006 Halloween season. On the other hand, my dentist has never cackled louder in his life. Seriously, it was downright creepy. If you stared deeply enough into those black eyes of his, you could see dollar symbols dancing around a cauldron of rotten teeth.

But I still maintain that it's been worth it. Besides, you know how the saying goes... the teeth of the many outweigh the teeth of the few one. So with that in mind, let us begin I-Mockery's Ultimate Guide to the Halloween Candies of 2006!


Nestlé Grave Bandit!
They should have graveyards for candies and other foods that are no longer made.

Damn, this is one hell of a way to start things off. Nestlé has gone all out for those of you who are planning on staying home and handing out candies to the trick-or-treaters. Not only have they provided you with 3 candies (Baby Ruth, Butterfinger, and Nestlé Crunch), they've also put them all into a big cardboard tombstone. And the best part about it? The thing howls, moans and shrieks when you open it! A trick and a treat all in one.

CLICK ME AND EXPERIENCE *TRUE HORROR!*
Click on the above pic to watch and
listen to the Grave Bandit in action!

Sure as hell beats the typical handing out candies from a plain old bowl, eh? And really, this thing should be something you can use after Halloween. I'm sure it'd be a great bread basket, and who wouldn't want to hear screams from tortured souls every time they go to reach for a slice?

If the chocolates aren't your thing, you can always go with the alternative choice:

The Bone Rattlers Coffin!
CREEEEEEEAAK!

It's the same concept as the Grave Bandit, only it comes in a coffin which makes a creaking sound as opposed to the screams and moans. Also, instead of chocolates, this one comes with the Sweet Tarts "Bone Rattlers" which you'll see more of a little bit further down this page in the Monster Mix-Ups review.

If I had to choose between the two, I'd go with the Grave Bandit simply because I like the wider selection of candies and the sound effects better. Though I must admit, the idea of being buried in a coffin filled with candy doesn't sound half bad. Regardless, you can't lose with either of these behemoths, and they're sure to be a hit with anyone who dares come to your home asking you for candy this Halloween.

out of 5 jack-o-lanterns


M&M's Pumpkin Mix!
Think we can fit a candle in an M&M to light it up like a jack-o-lantern?

Good ol' M&M's. Simple as can be and yet people will never, ever get tired of eating entire bags of them in one sitting. For this Halloween, they've put out a "Pumpkin Mix" of orange and black colored M&M's made out to look like jack-o-lanterns. Only problem is, most of the candies in the bag still look like regular M&M's. I'd say it was roughly a 10-to-1 ratio of regular M&M's to the ones with the new jack-o-lantern faces. Then again, it's possible I just happened to get a bag that didn't have many of the ones with the new faces. I gotta say though, I do like how they still managed to squeeze their traditional "m" symbol onto the jack-o-lantern faces by making it the nose.

out of 5 Jason Voorhees hockey masks


Gourmet Candy Corn!
Is "gourmet" a fancy way of saying something tastes like fruity anal seepage?

A classic case of don't fix it if it's not broken... these so-called "Gourmet" Candy Corns are just far too sweet for my liking. And it's not the good kind of sweet, it's the bad sweet. Like when a bottle of cough syrup tells you it has a "sweet cherry flavor" and you know for a fact that they're lying their asses off. Now even though these candies have the same texture as regular candy corns, the "gourmet" ones just don't hold a candle to the original candy corn flavor. Out of the three flavors - Cherry, Green Apple, and Tangerine - I'd say the Green Apple flavor is the most tolerable. But candy isn't something that should have to be tolerated, it should be something you want to devour with with rabid, mindless glee until you vomit it all up a few hours later and can't remember your name. That's the power of real candy corn.

out of 5 mummies


Candy Corn Taffy!
TAFFY. It's one of the best words out there.

Yes! Now This is what I'm talking about! Delicious! If you're gonna call something "Candy Corn" you had damn well better make sure it tastes like candy corn. Not only does this taffy taste like candy corn, but it looks like it too. I don't know who came up with the idea for candy corn flavored taffy, but I would like to shake his or her hand. And it would surely be a sticky handshake because the two of us would've probably handled some of the taffy prior to our meeting. Then there would naturally be some kind of awkward silence where we each wondered, "Why was that hand sticky?" Then we'd return home, wash our hands and eat more of our candy corn taffy and try to forget about that whole miserable sticky hand-shaking experience. Look, the point is this: the taffy tastes like candy corn. You like candy corn. You like taffy. Do the math, Watson.

out of 5 Kiefer vampires


Monster Mix-ups Assorted Candy!
The undead like surfing the web too

Wonka candies, will they ever let me down? I think not. This big bag of assorted candy features the latest Halloweenified Wonka treats:  Howlin' Laffy Taffy, Spooky Nerds, and Skull & Bones Sweet Tarts.

HAHAHAHA! HOHOHOHOHO!
HI-LAR-I-OUS!

The Howlin' Laffy Taffy, comes in 3 different flavors - Chocolate, Strawberry and Banana - and while the taffy itself isn't shaped differently (probably because taffy doesn't exactly hold any kind of form very well) they try to make up for it with Halloween jokes on the packages. Are you ready to laugh? Good, here's a few examples: "What did the trick or treat bucket say to the candy? Hello Sweet Thing!" BRAVO! "What do you call it when the Easter Bunny shows up for Halloween? A hoppy Halloween!" OH MY SIDES! "What did the ghost tell his wife? You look boo-tiful tonight!" AHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA! STOP IT! YOU GUYS ARE KILLING ME! Banana taffy wins.

BONES!

The Skull & Bones Sweet Tarts are definitely my favorite of the bunch because the candies are actually shaped differently. Sure, it's great when a company changes the packaging of their candy to reflect the Halloween season, but it's even better when they actually change the shape of the candy into something spookier. The candy of course tastes the same, but come on, who doesn't enjoy eating skulls 'n bones?

Are they really spooky?

Obviously, they can't really change the shape of the Nerds for Halloween, but they at least release 'em in Halloween colors. It's always amusing to see what kind of costumes they'll give the Nerds on the boxes each year too. This year they've gone with the ghost and vampire costumes, always a good choice, but I'd definitely like to see some Zombie Nerds at some point in the future. I'd also like to see an evil Halloween version of the "Nerds Ropes" candies. Maybe they could even release a giant Nerds rope that comes in the shape of a noose for Halloween! Come on Wonka people, make it happen!

Overall, you really can't go wrong with Wonka's Monster Mix-ups pack. Well, unless you were planning on giving them out to trick-or-treaters, since it's highly likely that you'll eat most of the candies before the treaters even arrive at your doorstep. So yeah, maybe you'll want to buy some kind of "back-up" candy to give out to them if that's the case. Either way, your house is getting egged this year.

out of 5 Audrey II's


Snickers Pumpkins!
Only pumpkins that wear sunglasses are cool

Just like last year, Snickers has once again put out their candies in the form of pumpkins and they're about what you'd expect. Still, there's definitely something lost in the transition from regular Snickers bar to pumpkin shape. Seems like less peanuts, but I guess that's the price you pay for novelty shapes. This year they've released a 4-pack of the pumpkins with a nifty Halloween theme on the box. I am slightly disappointed though as it would've been nice if they would've made 4 different pumpkin designs instead of giving us 2 of each of the same designs from last year. But let's be honest, can you really stay mad at a chocolate Snickers pumpkin that's wearing "cool dude" sunglasses? I think not.

out of 5 bed sheet ghosts


Jolly Rancher Creepy Fruity Lollipops!
Igor knows how to make some damned fine lollipops

I almost didn't even notice these in the store, not sure why, I guess I just don't associate Jolly Rancher candies with Halloween. Clearly that's something that's going to change. Their new Creepy Fruity shaped lollipops are nothing short of awesome. They come in three flavors - blueberry, watermelon and green apple - and if you like the regular candies, you'll like these too. The faces on the lollipops are really nicely done and it's easy to see them, unlike with some cheaper candies that have faces which look like like they were attacked by a cheese grater and then melted into oblivion. While everybody knows I'm a big fan of all things blue, I still gotta go with green apple as my favorite flavor from this group. A lot of people hate green apple Jolly Ranchers and I've never understood why. There is no better flavor for a Jolly Rancher, and I'll fight anyone to the death who says otherwise. TO THE DEATH! (especially Dane Cook, who I've just been told hates them).

out of 5 Counts (ah-ah-ah!)


Chef Ghoulicious Box Of Boogers!
Why can't all boogers be so tasty?

Here's a newcomer to the Halloween candy family. The Chef Ghoulicious Box of Boogers probably doesn't sound too appetizing to most people, and would normally only appeal to 7-year-olds who actually do eat their boogers. Believe it or not, they're actually pretty tasty. No not real boogers, the candies! I don't eat my boogers, I swear it! Why won't you believe me? Elmer's paste tastes much better than boogers anyway. I mean, that's what I've heard. Not that I would know or anything. Bah! Well anyway, the boogers come in three booger-themed flavors to tempt your taste buds - Snottermelon, Sour Green Boogy and Lemon Loogy! These things are basically like any gummy candy, only they're not very sour or tangy as you would think. So if you like the really sour 'n tangy candies, I'd stick with Sour Punch Straws instead. Other than that though, these things are much better than I was expecting, and since Chef Ghoulicious picked these especially for you, it'd be quite rude of you to turn him down. Har har!

out of 5 Jaws


Creep-Dish Pizza!
I'll stick with Papa John's thankyouverymuch...

I'm a sucker for novelty items, and this one just screams novelty. The Creep-Dish Pizza consists of three candies - gummy worms, gummy bats and bloody eyeball gum. What is it about everything coming in threes this year? Three flavors, three candies... is there something I'm missing here? Well the one thing that doesn't involve "three" is the price; this bad boy cost me almost 6 bux. Fancy packaging aside, that's a lot to pay for 3 candies that practically everybody has already tried before. Not even with their note about how they "triple dog dare ya to eat..." does it make it worth the price since you can get individual bags of these things for much less. Still, if you're throwing a Halloween party and want an alternative to the veggies 'n dip plates, I suppose you could do a lot worse than the Creep-Dish Pizza. People might not come to your party, sure, but at least you'll have some nice, festive hour d'oeuvres to bury your sadness in.

out of 5 leaf piles


Fear Factor Gross-Out Gummy Treats!
Still not as nasty looking as Freddy's Pizza with lost souls on it from Elm Street 4

Here we have the Fear Factor Gross-Out gummy treats. Now for those of you thinking that these are supposed to just look gross, let me set you straight right here and now. No. These really are supposed to taste bad. Much like the Jones Holiday Sodas, they're meant to be tasted on a dare to see if you can keep yourself from spitting it out and/or vomiting within two seconds. Once again, there were three flavors to choose from (I swear there's some conspiracy going on this year with that shit. I bet Conal Cochran is behind it all). First up is the "Super Spicy: Cheddar Cheese, Lime, Tomato & Pepperoni" flavored gummy pizza. It definitely wasn't spicy at all, but it also didn't taste good, as expected. I think I tasted the cheese more than anything, but even that was pretty weak. It was just a generally unpleasant spongy-textured thing to eat. I don't want to eat a sponge - cheese-flavored or otherwise.

Mmm, butter.

Next up was the "Super Gross: Sour Grape, Strawberry, Butter & Chocolate" flavored gummy breakfast. And honestly, aside from the butter, it didn't sound like a really awful combination. Granted, it looks nasty enough, especially with that little green patch. I'm not sure what that thing was supposed to be, maybe the sour grapes? Well either way, this one was pretty tame overall. Sure, I didn't like it per se, but it was far from being super gross like the box claimed.

It tastes like pure OINK

Last but not least, we have the "Super Surprise: Bacon & Other Amazing Flavors" gummy pig-out platter. Ok, forget about the other two flavors, THIS wins the gross-out candy award of the year for me. It really tasted like bacon. Gummy, spongy, swinetastic bacon. I couldn't take more than one bite of the stuff; it's just that bad. And for the record, that whole "other amazing flavors" thing is a crock of shit. This candy was pure swine. Pig ears, pig feet, pig anus, whatever parts of the pig it may have tasted like, I don't know... but there were no other amazing flavors to be found here. Oink oink.

All in all, the Fear Factor gummy candies are not something you'd want to eat for a treat, but rather dare your friends to eat them and laugh at their disgusted reactions. While they didn't taste good in any remote way, I'm giving them a bonus point for at least putting some obvious effort into how the candies actually looked. But Fear Factor is a shitty show, so they lose a point too. See how these things balance themselves out in the end?

out of 5 Creatures from the Black Lagoon


Oh but there's more!
CLICK HERE TO CONTINUE
TO PAGE 2 OF THE CANDIES!


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