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I-Mockery's Ultimate Guide to the Halloween Candies of 2006! Halloween Candy!
by: -RoG-


Gummy Body Parts Candy!
The coroner had a few extra parts lying around Well, it beats eating your own body parts

While these Gummy Body Parts look a lot like the Gruesome Chew-somes from last year, they have one striking difference: these actually taste good. All the good sweet flavor you'd expect from a gummy treat can be found in these suckers. The shapes are nicely done too, my favorite of which would have to be the severed finger. I do like how the two vampire fangs are blood red though too, definitely a nice touch. Considering these things only cost 2-3 bucks a bag, it's definitely a worthy addition to your candy bowl this Halloween. And even if you don't want to eat 'em, they also make for a good Halloween decoration when placed on a plate with some karo syrup and red dye.

out of 5 bloody chainsaws

Bug Factor Lollipop!
Looks real! It's not a real bug, and frankly, I'm glad since I put that thing in my mouth

If they hadn't put the "100% candy" label on the front of it, this Bug Factor lollipop could easily fool people into thinking there was a real insect in it. While it is just made of sugar, and you can't even taste it when you to get to the center of the pop, it looks extremely realistic. Also, instead of the typical paper/cardboard sticks, it has a green plastic handle with the Bug Factor logo on it. While this might not seem like a big deal, it's little things like these that can really make some candies have a better overall look. I always like it when companies take the time to modify even the smallest little things like this. The lollipop itself is alright, nothing to write home about really, but that seems to be a common thing with a lot of novelty Halloween candies. Many of them are more or less works of art rather than things you'd want to eat all the time.

out of 5 Mothras

Light-Up Candy Necklaces!
Ravers are gonna love these I wonder how they'll look all lit up and covered in lint?

I never understood the appeal of light-up candy necklaces, Halloween-themed or otherwise. The idea is you put these suckers in your mouth as they flash and it's fun for all to see and hahahahaha good times, right? No, wrong. Who the hell wants to wear some sticky candy as a necklace. That shit is surely going to stain your shirt, and even if it doesn't, do you really want to put it back in your mouth after it's collected up a nice portion of lint? Your only real option here is to finish the thing in one sitting and then use it as a necklace. But then it would just be a flashing light on a necklace and I'm pretty sure only candy ravers (no pun intended) would be interested in that kind of fashion. The candies themselves are ok, but I still prefer the flavor of those classic fat-assed Ring-Pop jewels. I'm also not sure what these are supposed to look like. The illustrations of the various spooky characters on the package are so absurdly small that it's hard to tell. I'm fairly certain this one is supposed to be a scary cat, but I think it came out looking more like Winnie the Poo. I don't want to eat Poo this Halloween. I also noticed that the light shows up a lot better on the red one, I guess it's just more translucent. The one good thing about these candy necklaces is that they were only a buck a piece, so at least they're not trying to rip people off with 'em. Still, I could get two Ring-Pops for that price, and frankly, that's far more appealing to me than just having one flashing lint-covered pieces of Winnie the Poo-shaped candy.

out of 5 tombstones

Eyeball Ring!
Optometrists have nightmares about these kind of things.

Found this one in one of those little bins of cheap miscellaneous Halloween trinkets like spider rings, rubber snakes and what have you. It looked like a tasty enough eyeball so I paid the 25 cents to give it a shot. Imagine my disappointment when all of the colors of the eyeball vanished after just one lick. Well, I guess it's one of those things that proves the ol' "you get what you pay for" adage true. Anyway, it's just your typical jawbreaker; nothing really interesting and certainly nowhere remotely as cool as those eyeball rings that they wore in The Beastmaster. Somebody needs to make eyeball candy rings like those ones where the eyelids actually open and close to reveal the candy inside. I'd buy 'em in a heartbeat!

out of 5 pumpkin candles

Mellowcreme Pumpkins!
I'm sorry, I couldn't help it. :(

I ate all of my Mellowcreme Pumpkins before I could photograph them.
I'm such a failure. :(

out of 5 zombie hands

Tremors Subterranean Sour Sand Worm!
The tables have turned and now YOU get to eat the graboids!

Any candy based on a horror movie, instantly scores a few points with me, but this one was really unexpected. I mean, Tremors!? You'd think they would've gone with a much more popular horror movie icon like Freddy or Jason, but I for one love that they went with the sand worms from Tremors. Even if it's not an officially licensed product based on the movie, it's quite obvious where they drew their inspiration for the candy from. The only way they could've made it more blatantly obvious would be to mention the Graboids somewhere on the label. And maybe Victor Wong too, may he R.I.P. :(

The candy itself is packed in a test-tube container and comes in several varieties where the dirt is colored differently. I chose the blue dirt of course, and if real dirt was actually blue, I won't deny that I'd probably try tasting it at some point in my life. Inside the tube you'll find loads of sour sugar and one gummy worm in the middle of it all. As the label states, you're job is to "Find the worm, lick it and dip it." Honestly though, you'll need a bowl for this, because it's just not gonna happen with the test tube. The sour sugar is so tightly packed together in the tube that it took me a good 5 minutes just to empty the whole thing. But believe me when I say that it's worth the effort because, while it may not look good, it's truly tasty as hell. If you're a fan of Sour Punch Straws then the Tremors Subterranean Sour Sand Worm will not disappoint. It's just like the straws, only with far more sour sugary goodness to enjoy and you get to pretend you're chewing on a stinky Graboid. Fun!

out of 5 Phantasm Sentinel Spheres

Kreepy Klik Candy Dispensers!

While they're obviously mimicking Pez candy dispensers, I gotta say I like these Kreepy Klik ones much more. First off, the entire dispenser is made to look like a monster body, not just the head. The heads also have moving eyes and brains that "klik" back and forth whenever you dispense another candy to yourself. They also come with two different kinds of candies - Smarties and Au'some Bubble Gum Candy (finally, somebody breaks the curse of candies coming in "threes" this year). I'm pretty sure everybody has tried Smarties before, and sorry, but I'd take them over Pez any day. The Au'some Bubble Gum Candy is a bit more obscure, so in case you haven't had it before, it's just like Razzles: starts off as a candy then becomes bubblegum. Only difference is that these ones are the size of Smarties. Good stuff. All in all, a really solid alternative to the Pez dispensers that we see regurgitated every year. I have nothing against Pez, believe me, I just think these Kreepy Kliks look much better and have tastier candies included.

out of 5 Freddy gloves

Gummy Zone Gummy Skeleton!
Nice packaging job there, Watson.

Just as I'm a sucker for novelty items, I'm also a sucker for all things skeletal. Skulls, bones, skeletons, pictures of skeletons eating the meat right off of peoples bones... if it involves the skeletal system in some way, I'm all about it. The same can be said for this Gummy Skeleton. I love the fact that you can eat all of its parts separately, and the package itself is pretty nice looking, but come on. COME ON! Was it really too much effort to put an additional piece of plastic on top of the skeleton inside the package (like most loose candies of this nature tend to do) so that the bones wouldn't scatter all over the place before people opened it? Cheap bastards...

out of 5 Edgar Allen Poes.

Orange Colored Halloween Kit Kats!
Orange Kit Kat = Happy Taste Buds

Just like last year, Kit Kat returns with their delicious orange Kit Kats. The orange is just for aesthetic purposes as it's really white chocolate, with chocolate creme in the center. As tasty as these Kit Kats always are, I wish they'd do something a little different with the packaging. This is the same exact package that they had last year. Come on Kit Kat, throw in a graveyard or something for us. Who am I kidding though. I'd still buy these things if they only came packaged with Kenny G albums, and instead of a foil wrapper, they were sealed in long strands of his curly hair. They're just that tasty.

out of 5 Gremlins.

Slime Heads!

Considering the holiday, you'd think there would be a lot more candies out there involving slime of some sort. Well these Slime Heads will surely cover all of your gooey grocery needs. The stuff is fairly good too, especially if you're into orange flavored goop. Of course, they might have other flavors too, but they only had these orange flavored pumpkin head ones in the Halloween store I found 'em in. The main portion of the face comes off in one lick, but the green leaf design near the top stayed on much longer for some reason. I don't know if that's a good thing or if I should be worried. Eh, who am I kidding? When you're eating something with instructions that require you to work the ribbed shaft and then "suck the candy head" you're pretty much throwing caution into the wind anyway.

out of 5 floating eyeballs

Hubba Bubba Mummy Tape!
Make a white bandage version!

I don't know why, but until today, I hadn't bought Bubble Tape gum in years. This is clearly something I need to correct because I forgot just how damned good it tastes. For Halloween they've renamed it as "Mummy Tape" and given it a black raspberry flavor which is, as expected, mouth-wateringly good. Gotta love the mummified mascot on the package too, but it got me to thinking about how they could've improved it. I've always loved it when candy companies introduce a "mystery flavor" - and mystery flavors are almost always colored white (just like with Air Heads and Charms Blow Pops). Well wouldn't a pack of Mummy Tape with white-colored gum be just perfect? You could still keep it black raspberry flavor, but now it would actually look like real mummy wrapping cloths too! If you happen to know somebody in Hubba Bubba's marketing & development department, tell them to do this next year and I swear to the Great Pumpkin that they'll have one of the absolute coolest Halloween candies on the market!

out of 5 Frankensteins

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