by: Dr. Boogie

...CONTINUED

After a night of strategic blue-balling, the team breaks camp and spends an uneventful day traveling to Frogtown.

The tagline for the movie says that, "a new breed of enemy has taken over the world." I wouldn't call living on a reservation with forced disarmament in effect "taken over the world". Maybe the mutants have enacted some sort of shadow government, and stopping the gunrunners in Frogtown is the first step toward uprooting them.

Sam finally voices his concern that none of this seems to have anything to do with him sowing his wild oats at taxpayers' expense. Spangle explains that either they get the captured women out of Frogtown and he impregnates them, or they'll settle for just the latter. Again, not a well thought-out plan, but it's the only plan they've got.

As they're setting up camp on the second day, Spangle gets a hit on her motion sensor. The trio hop in the pink mobile and run the threat down.

Fortunately, it isn't a coyote or an armed mutant, but a half-naked woman. Better still, Spangle learns that she's fertile. That's all the information they can get out of her, as she's too traumatized to even speak to them. Sam tries some moves he learned from The Horse Whisperer, but even that fails to get a result. Women, eh?

But Spangle has a backup plan: she flips the hogtied young woman over and gives her a shot of "Ovidol" so she'll be ready for Sam. Let the romance begin!

Spangle is very gung ho about Sam climbing on top of the semi-conscious woman, but Sam is less enthusiastic about it. He makes up excuses about her not being his type and not being able to get a solid hardon due to their being deep in mutant territory. Spangle is skeptical, on account of the "string of pregnancies" bit from the beginning of the film, but she knows how to motivate him. Not with a shot "testerol", or any other made-up drugs, but with more half-naked cavorting. After all, she is "trained in seduction techniques". She strips down to a more conservative set of underwear and engages in a striptease so awkward that Sam finally agrees to plow their captive if Spangle will just put her clothes back on.

It's a tender moment, undercut slightly by the fact that Sam is kinda sorta raping a total stranger.

But what's this? They're being observed by the ribbiting beekeeper from the beginning of the movie! Kinky.

Morning comes, and they give the lucky recipient of Sam's seed a pink flight suit. Thanks to Sam's skillful humping, she is now sane enough that she can speak coherently. Maybe there is something more to this guy than just his high sperm count.

She tells them that she escaped from Frogtown, but that the remaining women stayed behind because they belong to "an order of passives". Not pacifists, "passives". She also clues them into where Frogtown is relative to their position, something which I had assumed they knew prior to setting out, but apparently not. That's one rescued woman down, but they don't have time to deliver her to safety. Instead, Spangle gives her a giant bracelet and tells her to "go south for a few days" until the border patrol picks her up. Sure, it might seem risky to send someone wandering for a few days in the desert with no food or water, but on the upside, Spangle assures her that mothers are national heroes, and that she'll be "treated like a queen." And if she's lucky, they might even let her do some ironing in the meantime. The young woman gives her sperm donor a hug and then takes off.

Further down the road, Spangle begins the next phase of the rescue plan: she strips down to some post apocalyptic lingerie and ties a curtain pull cord around her torso so she'll look like a prisoner. Sam, meanwhile, gets to hold the chain to her choke collar. Presumably, there is more to her plan than just disguising herself to get in, but we'll have to wait to hear more.

For now, the plan is to walk the rest of the way to Frogtown.

On the last rise before the town, Spangle explains that they'll need to trust each other if they want to make it out alive. That shouldn't be too difficult given all the trust-building exercises they've been doing. Sam, meanwhile, decides that she doesn't look prisoner-y enough. He lets her hair down and tosses her glasses in the dirt. Now she's looking better. She probably can't see all that well without her giant granny glasses, but at least... well, I'm sure he did it for some reason.

And so, nearly halfway into the film, Hell finally comes to Frogtown.

Frogtown is a depressing and utterly deserted city, filled with rusting industrial machinery and set against the backdrop of an unlivable hellscape. It could pass for modern day Detroit, sans Robocop. Up 'til now, the movie has really been hammering on the whole mutant angle without really delivering on it. The poster tells us mutant frogs are somewhere in this film, and I think it's about time we saw some, dammit.

Yeah, now we're getting froggy.

In spite of being forced to live unarmed on a reservation in the middle of the desert, the frogmen and women are mostly apathetic towards the handful of humans in the city. On the downside, the bar seems to have alcohol, but all they can serve Sam is a mason jar full of brine.

Fortunately, Sam won't have to endure lousy mix drinks alone.

Sitting next to him is his old friend Lonny "Looney Tunes" O'Toole, a uranium miner. Lonny is kind enough to explain that if Sam wants to unload his slave, he needs to talk with Leroy first. And since Lonny is such a hot shot uranium miner, he can arrange such a meeting.

En route to Leroy, they run into the bar's exotic dancer. Turns out she's a mole for Med Tech, but one mutant at a time.

The war was not kind to the Geico gecko. Still, he was able to make enough money to buy this bay, and now everyone knows him as Leroy, the best dressed lizard in town. First, he gives Sam a good dressing-down for all the things humans have done to the mutants. Then he gets down the heart of the matter: how much to buy Spangle. Sam gives her a few pokes and gropes to show off what a fine specimen she is. Leroy is looking for a new dancer, and it seems like we're in for another one of Spangle's hypnotic rib and femur displays when who should show up...

A one-eyed frog named Bull. He works directly under Commander Toty, and happens to be the one who brought in the female prisoner Sam and Spangle are looking for. He looks like a real tough guy, but when he gets angry, he starts in with some really nasally shouting. Leroy explains the situation, but Bull screams at him, "shut your hoooooole!!!" Private barters are not allowed, so Bull organizes a quick auction. As the sole bidder, he stands to win Spangle with a bet of "five lilies." Sam knows exactly how much a "lily" is worth, and frankly, he's insulted by the offer. So Bull makes him another offer:

A shot in the gut is all it takes for ol' Sam "Glass Jaw" Hell. Bull giggles with glee at having taken down a professional wrestler with only one punch. His hammy, overwrought shouting is the last thing Sam hears before he blacks out.

Sometime later, Sam wakes up with the exotic dancer/mole/frog from the bar. She introduces herself as Arabella, "sworn to fight Commander Toty to the death." Her interest in helping Sam isn't just because she wants Toty dead, however. "Even here, your name is legend," she says. Indeed, all children in Frogtown have heard the legend of the shabbily-dressed rapist. What self-respecting frogwoman can resist a reputation like that? Sam is resistant at first, but finally agrees to have sex with Arabella as long as they use protection.

Before he can tell her, "there's a flap," the belt starts beeping again. If they can't find Spangle in a hurry, Arabella will get to see Sam's impression of the underwear bomber. She agrees to take Sam to Toty's palace. She leads him through the winding tunnels of Frogtown for almost a full minute before tripping and falling into a small pile of garbage, at which point she gives up and tells him to go on alone. "Sworn to fight Commander Toty to the death" indeed, Arabella.

Sam's belt stops beeping soon enough for him to see Spangle being menaced by both Commander Toty, and a sinister figure known only as "Count Sodom". In spite of his name, this masked man is only interested in trading guns to the mutants. As Sam is peering over the edge of his hiding spot, he fails to notice that he's leaning on a pair of swinging doors.

He falls off the walkway, lands on a crate of guns, and knocks himself out. Maybe I was wrong about Sam's legend. Maybe he's just widely known as Sam Hell, the world's most frequently knocked-out man.

So he and Spangle get hauled away, each to their respective torturers.

Spangle gets a change of prisoner outfits and is laid out before the very "passives" she was hoping to rescue. They dance around, slowly waving their arms in the air. Why? As one of the passives explains to Spangle, they are, "weakening your body."

Thankfully, Sam is subjected to less gruesome torture at the hands of Bull. Toty is interested in any and all Med Tech technology, including a belt with advanced crotch-zapping technology. Since it is still locked onto Sam, Bull whips out his handy manopener. He starts it up, and it immediately runs out of gas. Real second-rate torturing, Bull. Amateur stuff. He goes to gas up his chainsaw, and so we check back in with Spangle.

Good lord! *choke* I didn't think it could get any more gruesome than the interpretive dancing, but now they're lightly fanning her with bed sheets! I think I'm going to be sick. Interesting side note: director Eli Roth cited this scene in particular as the inspiration for his film, Hostel.

Anyway, in the course of their relentless fluffing, one of the sheets accidentally brushes against Spangle's earring. You wouldn't know it from looking, but that telltale activation noise can mean only one thing:

Sam's screams of agony scare Bull just a little. But at the end of the day, that belt still needs to come off. I hope you enjoyed using those legs, Sam, because you're going to...

Oh. I guess he's going through the belt, then. If Toty really is as interested in Med Tech technology, you'd think he would prefer that Bull not destroy it like this. Then again, maybe Bull really is just a lousy torturer. He's certainly among the least intimidating villains I've ever seen in a movie, with his giggling and inappropriate shouting.

Still, he is remarkably skilled with a chainsaw. He manages to remove the belt from Sam without even scratching our hero, which is surprising given that they claim Bull hates all humans. Even more surprising, the explosives that were supposedly in the belt failed to detonate. Looks like Sam was being played as a patsy.

There's still more of Hell Comes To Frogtown to see!
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