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...CONTINUED
Next we cut to another scene in the movie they're filming, and we find the same girl who was playing Callie acting as somebody else named Susan while wearing a new wig. In case you're a bit confused let me explain:
Yeah, I'm not sure I understand it either... but when you're a low budget movie, I guess you can only afford to hire a few people. Anyway, the sleazy teacher who gives high grades to girls with low morals (if you know what I mean), is Richard Birnbaum. He also likes picking on the class nerd, Donny Porter, by forcing him to dissect a frog named Freddie. "As you can all see, Freddie is dead. Very dead! Dead. Little. Freddie!" he explains to the class. It's quite a speech. Anybody this mean obviously has to die:
So what better way to kill him than via dissection? What's funny is that while his chest is being sliced open with a scalpel he doesn't even scream. He just sits there and looks surprised. Maybe he has a really high tolerance for pain? I know I do... I've seen this movie twice now. We also get our first glimpse of the killer. Gee, I wonder if this movie influenced the "Scream" series at all? Even better, while Birnbaum is being killed, some horrible 80's music plays while his speech about Freddie the frog echoes in the background. How a track like this never made it onto the pop charts is beyond me. Oh yeah, and to add insult to injury...
Eat your heart out Birnbaum! Actually, the heart didn't fit in his mouth, so the killer kinda just rested the heart on Birnbaum's face. I'm sure this twisted, violent act has some really deep meaning to it, but I'll leave that for you to figure out on your own.
One of the actors on the set is apparently having some trouble with his role. He has the hard task of playing the part of a dead guy with a hatchet in his head. "What's my motivation?" he asks. Overly frustrated with script changes and bad actors, the director (a bad actor himself) explains, "You're dead! You don't have any motivation at all!" I'm sure we'll see this guy sitting down with James Lipton in no time. And now it's time for the love scene to end all love scenes. You think the love scene in Titanic was bad? You haven't seen anything until you've seen the love scene in Return To Horror High between Steven Blake and Callie Cassidy. Brace yourself.
Steven and Cassie "get it on" shortly after he gets her to admit that she digs his cop uniform. Now, they couldn't afford the typical "fireworks during sex" effects, so they had some construction workers standing outside making sparks instead. Now while they get their freak on, the big music plays as it switches from shots of them on the bed to close-up shots of children's drawings on the wall to shots of the construction workers outside. This goes on for almost 2 minutes! What do the drawings on the wall mean? Does the lion represent Steven and Cassie letting out their animals instincts in bed? Does the sad, bald, bearded guy picture represent Steven and Cassie letting out their inner sad, bald, bearded guys? I JUST... DON'T... KNOW!
As you all know, anytime a person has sex in a horror movie, they are required by law to DIE. So, shortly after they're done, Steven has his neck snapped by the killer. Cassie freaks out and jumps out of a window since the killer is right behind her. What I find most amusing about this part is the killer makes sure to stick his arms out as if he was grabbing for her, even after she's already hit the ground and started running away. So it's either safe to assume that the killer has an extremely delayed reaction time or he's just a horrible over-actor. Wouldn't surprise me if it was a little of both.
Callie quickly runs to her car and just as it starts up, Amos the janitor who wants to become a porn star, pops out from behind her. He's just about to chop off her head when the director yells "CUT!" Argh! So this wasn't actually happening!? It was just more of them filming the movie within a movie? No... because Amos starts laughing again and then he DOES chop off her head! Maybe he took the director saying "CUT!" a bit too literally? Ok, so that settles it! Amos is the killer! The mystery is finally over!
Goddamnit, this is impossible to follow. One minute I'm watching the actual movie, and the next minute I'm watching a movie about a movie about the making of a movie about a dream about two idiots having sex while letting our their inner sad, bald, bearded guys! What the hell is going on here? I guess now you're starting to see why I said this movie makes very little sense. But, I guess that's the point. I hope that's the point. Does it even have a point? Fuck if I know...
Back in "reality" (and I use the term loosely) we find that the killer is so sick that he even savaged some CPR Testing Dummies! Of course, the idiot cops are convinced that these are actually human torsos and not CPR dummies, but you and I know better. You DO know better, right? God, I hope so...
I suspect the cops didn't notice that the bodies were CPR dummies because Marcia Brady is standing there. Standing there, covered in blood, unbuttoning the top button of her shirt, and eating a hot dog. If you can name any other time when Marcia Brady was covered in blood, unbuttoning the top button of her shirt, and eating a hot dog... well then... I guess I never saw that episode of the Brady Bunch.
Now back to the movie within a movie (or so I hope), they find Harry Sleerik and Josh Forbes. Well, they find their severed heads... or at least that's what they want you to believe. You see, the heads are situated atop a giant wooden box that just happens to be there. The kind of wooden box that could easily conceal two human bodies and a biggie-size order of fries within it. Sorry guys, you're not fooling anybody.
Callie and Steven soon find the big vat of kitty litter and discover there's hidden door under it. After being scared by a fake spider, a fake rat, and then losing their flashlight, they manage to discover a hidden room in it that contains a whole lotta dead gals. Now, I know these dead gals have supposedly been down here for a long time, having rotted away 'n all... but the room clearly has windows in it. Call me crazy, but I'm sure over the period of 10 years, somebody would have looked in one of those windows from outside and noticed a bunch of skeletons covered in cobwebs and reported it. But hey, it's movie land - where rooms filled with skeletons are as American as apple pie! Nothing to worry about. Nothing to report. No big deal. Anyway, Amos the janitor appears and tells them that all the skeletons look just like Kathy Kastleman, the principal's daughter. Nobody really seems to know what happened to her, but I can't blame her for disappearing when her dad has a collection of dead gals in the basement. Then all of a sudden Amos freaks out. He POUNDS Steven like a piņata while still laughing like a maniac. During their struggle, however, Steven tears at Amos' face only to discover...
Steven tears at Amos' face, removing a mask, and thus revealing Principal Kastleman was Amos all along! What's even more amazing is that somehow when his mask was removed, the skin on the rest of his body became white too. Now, I didn't see Steven rub off a bunch of black-skin make-up during their struggle, but hey... maybe they're just saving that footage for the director's cut of the flick. Yeah, that's gotta be it. Well it turns out that back in high school, Steven knocked up Pricipal Kastleman's daughter. Steven never even knew about the pregnancy, and she had an abortion. Her father then killed her. Now he's got this quaint little ceremony of dead bodies set up in the basement so that Steven can marry his dead daughter. Steven doesn't seem to be interested in marrying a skeleton though. Hey, necrophilia isn't everybody's thing...
Steven manages to grab a nearby javelin and he hurls it right into Kastleman's chest. And it's just like that old saying that my granddad told me: "It doesn't matter if you're black or white, cuz when your vital organs have been punctured by a steel javelin, you're pretty much fucked, kid."
Cut back to Arthur, the writer, standing outside with the cops explaining how Steven and Cassie still never made it out of the school. Now it's time for the cops to go down into the basement to launch a "frontal assault". And while the cops are inside fighting bad guys, Arthur stays behind and shouts out, "All clear!" Just then, all of the bloody bodies that used to be CPR dummies, magically come to life. Great, so none of those bodies out there were really dead people after all. Apparently it was just a big hoax made up to help sell their movie. So now I'm really not too sure about who did and didn't die during the movie.
And I guess granddad was wrong too, because Kastleman comes back to life one more time so that the cops can all blow him away. Oh well, if a javelin piercing through your chest won't kill ya, being gunned down by an oversexed Marcia Brady certainly will.
When the cops come out to find that all their precious, bloody CPR Dummies have been stolen, all they can figure is that some "sicko" carted them away. Maybe that explains why none of them were able to figure that acting in this movie wasn't the best career move after all. And in the final scene, they unveil that the Arthur, the writer, was actually the son of Principal Kastleman. He starts typing up a script for a sequel to horror high and his dad isn't even really dead, because he starts bleeding all over his son's story. A javelin pierced his heart. Marcia Brady gunned him down. But the guy still lives!? Well damn, I guess it really does pay to stay in school. the end. email -RoG-
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