Features

Jingle All The Way 2!
by: -RoG-

...CONTINUED

Now we can seet heah all deh nite and
talks about who is and isn't youah parents, or we
can talk about all of deh moneys I am goeeng
to give joo foah making deh moovie with me!

Jake Lloyd: "Listen crazy man, I was in Star Wars. I
have more money than I know what to do with!"

Ahhh, but weure joo in deh other Stah Wars seequals?
No! Because dey tink joo are not da good actor!
But I believe in joo! I believe in joo, Jamie!

Jake Lloyd: "Stop it! My name is Jake, ok?
J-A-K-E. Not Jamie. JAKE! Understand?"

SEEEEEEEEEQUALS!

Listen to me Jamie! I am giving joo a chance at
deh redemption! Joo can finally be in a seequal!

Jake Lloyd: "Well technically the Star Wars film I appeared in was a prequel. But you're right, it would be nice to have a sequel in my film credits so I'll take you up on the offer. Can I look at the script though?

Funny joo should bring dat up! We are goeeng to write
deh script here and now! Do joo take good dictation?

Jake Lloyd: "Does a bat shit upside-down?"

Ahahahah! Eaaugeaeagheagh!

and so Teeurbo Man saved deh...

 

*** 30 minutes later ***

 

day.

We did it Jamie! We wrote deh greatest moovies!
Eaaugeaeagheagh!

I am goeeng to hire more actors foah deh moovie!
Joo stay heeah and reheurse yoah lines!

Ted! Joooooo sonofabitch!

Phil Hartman: "No, this is Phil Hartman. Still suffering from movie delusions are we Mr. Schwarzenegger?"

Ted! I am making Jingal All Deh Vay part two!
Joo have to come be in my moovie!

Phil Hartman: "I'd love to buddy, but you see... I'm dead. Yeah, it's kind of hard to be in movies when you're not alive anymore. Tends to put a kink in the works..."

Joooooo sonofabitch! Name yoah price!

Phil Hartman: "You just don't get it, do you? I'm a figment of your imagination, Arnold. This isn't real. You're just remembering a scene from the original Jingle All The Way movie where I spoke with you on the phone. But none of this matters since you never listen to logic and reason."

Be in my moovie Ted!

Phil Hartman: "Heh, sure thing Arnold. Sure thing..."

Everyting is weurking out!
I am goeeng to make my moovie!

Sinbad: "Hey man! What about me!? I was one of the best things about the original Jingle All The Way movie! How come you haven't called me yet! I had to find out from that Jake Lloyd kid! That's cold man, real cold!"

Oh... yeah... Alfonso, right?

...

Sinbad: "It's Sinbad damnit! I wanna be in the movie!"

Prove it.

...

Sinbad: "I'll choke this bitch to death if you don't let me be in the movie!
That enough proof for ya? Huh? HUH!?!?"

Sinbad: "Ahhhhhhh!!!!!! Ahhhhhhh!!!!!! Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!"

Okay, okay! SHADDAP! Joo can be in deh moovie!

Sinbad: "Hey man, you know I was just kiddin' back there right? I wasn't gonna strangle her, I just really need the work. All I have right now is the warmth of my booze."

Well den, why don't joo spread deh holiday warmth!

Sinbad: "Now you're talkin' my man! Drink up! So what's
my role in this new movie gonna be anyway?"

Well, in deh script I had deh mailman and my son switch places!
So joo would be my son and deh kid would be
deh mailman! Everybody in deh woeld will love it!

Sinbad: "Haha! Whatever you say man, just keep on drinkin' so we can negotiate my salary in a little while!"

Jake Lloyd: "I'll drink to that!"

Eaaugeaeagheagh!

Don't joo look at me like dat! He vas an impostah!
I had to do eet!

JINGAL ALL DEH VAY!

Sinbad: "Hey man, whatever... just as long as I still get a paycheck 'n all. But DAMN! You really choked the life outta that kid! I never seen nobody's eyes pop out like that! And nobody even cared! Did you hear those people in the coffee shop chanting your name while you choked him?
I swear to god man, you can do no wrong!"

Yeah... I need to go promote my moovie now.
Without joo.

...

Okay everybody, leestan up! I am making a new moovie!
I am doing deh seequal to Jingal All Deh Vay!
Joo all need to go see dis moovie foah deh good times, okay?

Clerk: "Waaahhh! We didn't even like the first one!"

How can dis be?

Clerk: "It wasn't entertaining!"

...

*gulp*

Now leestan up! I'll make joo both eat dose weurds,
but I hope joo leave enough room foah my fist
because I'm goeeng to ram it into yoah stomachs
and break yoah goddamned spines!

...

Clerk: "Ohhhhh! Wait! Did you say Jingle All The Way? We thought
you said the Star Wars Holiday Special! No, Jingle All The Way is one
of our all-time favorite movies! We can't wait!"

Jingal All Deh Vay 2 is goeeng to break all deh records!

Wait! Come back lady! I need to tell
joo all about Jingal All Deh Vay part 2!

Sinbad: "Ahhhhhhh!!!!!! Ahhhhhhh!!!!!! Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!"

Yoah not fahnny.

...

Oh my Gahd! I forgot about deh reindeeah! How can I
make deh moovie without deh funny reindeeah!?

Reindeeah! Be in my moovie or I will hit joo again!

Reindeer: "Eeeeeuuuuuuuuuu!"

Okay, dats it! See you at deh party, reindeeah!

*thwap!*

...

Aww, did I kill joo? Yoah a choir boy compared to me!
My moovie will still be deh greatest one of all deh days!
I deseurve a drink!

JINGAL ALL DEH VAY!

Hey honey! Deh big moovie premeeuh is tonite!

Rita Wilson: "What!? That's impossible! Are you insane?
We haven't even started filming it yet!"

Oh yeah... I decided not to film anyting new foah deh moovie,
but instead just show deh original moovie and
put a big numbah two on deh title! People will love it!

Rita Wilson: "You can't do that! That's not a sequel!"

Sinbad: "Ahhhhhhh!!!!!! Ahhhhhhh!!!!!! Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!"

SHADDAP! SHADDAP! SHADDAP!
It's my moovie and I will do what I want wit it!
Jingal All Deh Vay 2 will be a hit!

Here's to me and Jingal All Deh Vay 2!

*a few hours later*

Stupid traffic! I am trying to drive my Hummah to
my moovie premieah at deh drive-in theatah!
Get out of deh vay stupids!

Haha! I drived deh Hummah right through all dose tiny cahs!
Dey can't compare to deh Hummah powah!

A cop? Joooooo sonofabitch!

Cop: "Alright son, just walk in a straight line while touching your finger to your nose."

I'm a cop joo idiot!

Cop: "You are?"

I'm detective John Kimble!

Cop: "Oh my bad! Carry on, detective!"

OFF I GO TO SEE JINGAL ALL DEH VAY 2!

*the next day*

EVERYBODY LOVES JINGAL ALL DEH VAY 2!

Sinbad: "Ahhhhhhh!!!!!! Ahhhhhhh!!!!!! Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!"

 

the end.

Have any questions or comments about this piece?
Email -RoG-

 

If you enjoyed this piece, be sure to check out:

The Star Wars Holiday Special!
The Star Wars Holiday Special!

Reader Comments

taco loving zombie
Dec 19th, 2009, 11:27 PM
i always loved this article
Amicable Herculean
Dec 20th, 2009, 03:54 AM
Jingle All the way is playing right now on one of the local channels
Forum Virgin
Dec 20th, 2009, 06:58 AM
The worst part is that now he, being the Governator, could use taxes to fund this project. That thought alone scares the heck out of me.
filthiest soap dish
Dec 20th, 2009, 07:14 AM
This has always been one of my favorite articles.
Forum Chaos Lord
Dec 20th, 2009, 02:24 PM
Nothing like an old Christmas Classic.
Hypnotic Swirling Colors
Dec 20th, 2009, 05:28 PM
My uncle was in Jingle All The Way.
That damn kid
Dec 20th, 2009, 05:53 PM
I think this was one of the first things i read on I-mockery :D

soooo funny.
With More Yes Than Ever
Dec 20th, 2009, 07:23 PM
Great article, as always
Sit, Booboo, sit.
Dec 20th, 2009, 09:45 PM
Geev ah man ah jingle, he vil jingle foar ah dey...

Teech ah man ta jingle, he vil JINGLE ALL DEE VEY!!!
pickled
Dec 21st, 2009, 09:00 PM
Hope Rog knows how to swim.
Forum Virgin
Dec 24th, 2009, 06:58 PM
Did you edit this recently? I could swear the shop clerks used to say Schindler's List rather than Star Wars Christmas Special.

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