by: -RoG-

...CONTINUED

Now we can seet heah all deh nite and
talks about who is and isn't youah parents, or we
can talk about all of deh moneys I am goeeng
to give joo foah making deh moovie with me!

Jake Lloyd: "Listen crazy man, I was in Star Wars. I
have more money than I know what to do with!"

Ahhh, but weure joo in deh other Stah Wars seequals?
No! Because dey tink joo are not da good actor!
But I believe in joo! I believe in joo, Jamie!

Jake Lloyd: "Stop it! My name is Jake, ok?
J-A-K-E. Not Jamie. JAKE! Understand?"

SEEEEEEEEEQUALS!

Listen to me Jamie! I am giving joo a chance at
deh redemption! Joo can finally be in a seequal!

Jake Lloyd: "Well technically the Star Wars film I appeared in was a prequel. But you're right, it would be nice to have a sequel in my film credits so I'll take you up on the offer. Can I look at the script though?

Funny joo should bring dat up! We are goeeng to write
deh script here and now! Do joo take good dictation?

Jake Lloyd: "Does a bat shit upside-down?"

Ahahahah! Eaaugeaeagheagh!

and so Teeurbo Man saved deh...

 

*** 30 minutes later ***

 

day.

We did it Jamie! We wrote deh greatest moovies!
Eaaugeaeagheagh!

I am goeeng to hire more actors foah deh moovie!
Joo stay heeah and reheurse yoah lines!

Ted! Joooooo sonofabitch!

Phil Hartman: "No, this is Phil Hartman. Still suffering from movie delusions are we Mr. Schwarzenegger?"

Ted! I am making Jingal All Deh Vay part two!
Joo have to come be in my moovie!

Phil Hartman: "I'd love to buddy, but you see... I'm dead. Yeah, it's kind of hard to be in movies when you're not alive anymore. Tends to put a kink in the works..."

Joooooo sonofabitch! Name yoah price!

Phil Hartman: "You just don't get it, do you? I'm a figment of your imagination, Arnold. This isn't real. You're just remembering a scene from the original Jingle All The Way movie where I spoke with you on the phone. But none of this matters since you never listen to logic and reason."

Be in my moovie Ted!

Phil Hartman: "Heh, sure thing Arnold. Sure thing..."

Everyting is weurking out!
I am goeeng to make my moovie!

Sinbad: "Hey man! What about me!? I was one of the best things about the original Jingle All The Way movie! How come you haven't called me yet! I had to find out from that Jake Lloyd kid! That's cold man, real cold!"

Oh... yeah... Alfonso, right?

...

Sinbad: "It's Sinbad damnit! I wanna be in the movie!"

Prove it.

...

Sinbad: "I'll choke this bitch to death if you don't let me be in the movie!
That enough proof for ya? Huh? HUH!?!?"

Sinbad: "Ahhhhhhh!!!!!! Ahhhhhhh!!!!!! Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!"

Okay, okay! SHADDAP! Joo can be in deh moovie!

Sinbad: "Hey man, you know I was just kiddin' back there right? I wasn't gonna strangle her, I just really need the work. All I have right now is the warmth of my booze."

Well den, why don't joo spread deh holiday warmth!

Sinbad: "Now you're talkin' my man! Drink up! So what's
my role in this new movie gonna be anyway?"

Well, in deh script I had deh mailman and my son switch places!
So joo would be my son and deh kid would be
deh mailman! Everybody in deh woeld will love it!

Sinbad: "Haha! Whatever you say man, just keep on drinkin' so we can negotiate my salary in a little while!"

Jake Lloyd: "I'll drink to that!"

Eaaugeaeagheagh!

Don't joo look at me like dat! He vas an impostah!
I had to do eet!

JINGAL ALL DEH VAY!

Sinbad: "Hey man, whatever... just as long as I still get a paycheck 'n all. But DAMN! You really choked the life outta that kid! I never seen nobody's eyes pop out like that! And nobody even cared! Did you hear those people in the coffee shop chanting your name while you choked him?
I swear to god man, you can do no wrong!"

Yeah... I need to go promote my moovie now.
Without joo.

...

Okay everybody, leestan up! I am making a new moovie!
I am doing deh seequal to Jingal All Deh Vay!
Joo all need to go see dis moovie foah deh good times, okay?

Clerk: "Waaahhh! We didn't even like the first one!"

How can dis be?

Clerk: "It wasn't entertaining!"

...

*gulp*

Now leestan up! I'll make joo both eat dose weurds,
but I hope joo leave enough room foah my fist
because I'm goeeng to ram it into yoah stomachs
and break yoah goddamned spines!

...

Clerk: "Ohhhhh! Wait! Did you say Jingle All The Way? We thought
you said the Star Wars Holiday Special! No, Jingle All The Way is one
of our all-time favorite movies! We can't wait!"

Jingal All Deh Vay 2 is goeeng to break all deh records!

Wait! Come back lady! I need to tell
joo all about Jingal All Deh Vay part 2!

Sinbad: "Ahhhhhhh!!!!!! Ahhhhhhh!!!!!! Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!"

Yoah not fahnny.

...

Oh my Gahd! I forgot about deh reindeeah! How can I
make deh moovie without deh funny reindeeah!?

Reindeeah! Be in my moovie or I will hit joo again!

Reindeer: "Eeeeeuuuuuuuuuu!"

Okay, dats it! See you at deh party, reindeeah!

*thwap!*

...

Aww, did I kill joo? Yoah a choir boy compared to me!
My moovie will still be deh greatest one of all deh days!
I deseurve a drink!

JINGAL ALL DEH VAY!

Hey honey! Deh big moovie premeeuh is tonite!

Rita Wilson: "What!? That's impossible! Are you insane?
We haven't even started filming it yet!"

Oh yeah... I decided not to film anyting new foah deh moovie,
but instead just show deh original moovie and
put a big numbah two on deh title! People will love it!

Rita Wilson: "You can't do that! That's not a sequel!"

Sinbad: "Ahhhhhhh!!!!!! Ahhhhhhh!!!!!! Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!"

SHADDAP! SHADDAP! SHADDAP!
It's my moovie and I will do what I want wit it!
Jingal All Deh Vay 2 will be a hit!

Here's to me and Jingal All Deh Vay 2!

*a few hours later*

Stupid traffic! I am trying to drive my Hummah to
my moovie premieah at deh drive-in theatah!
Get out of deh vay stupids!

Haha! I drived deh Hummah right through all dose tiny cahs!
Dey can't compare to deh Hummah powah!

A cop? Joooooo sonofabitch!

Cop: "Alright son, just walk in a straight line while touching your finger to your nose."

I'm a cop joo idiot!

Cop: "You are?"

I'm detective John Kimble!

Cop: "Oh my bad! Carry on, detective!"

OFF I GO TO SEE JINGAL ALL DEH VAY 2!

*the next day*

EVERYBODY LOVES JINGAL ALL DEH VAY 2!

Sinbad: "Ahhhhhhh!!!!!! Ahhhhhhh!!!!!! Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!"

 

the end.

Have any questions or comments about this piece?
Email -RoG-