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The Last Dragon!
by: Dr. Boogie


In a surprising twist of fate, Leroy just happens to be walking past the studio just as Laura is leaving. The two exchange glances, and as she gets into her limo, Leroy is transfixed. He cannot believe that such a beautiful woman would be riding in a limo that didn't have tinted windows. Lucky him. Not so lucky for her, though, as she's actually being kidnapped. Her captor drives for about a block to pick up some more goons left over from the 1970s, and she almost escapes. It's not a very well thought out plan, but they did have to throw this plan together at the last minute.

Ooh, if only they had driven a couple extra blocks. Leroy appears and then the fists start flying. The B-squad goons put up meager resistance before climbing back in their cheap limo and driving off. The danger past, Leroy helps Laura collect her things and calls her a cab before disappearing a la Batman. Very smooth, Leroy. One thing, though:

You dropped your Bruce Lee belt buckle... I mean, medallion. Wow, it's like some kind of double-reverse Cinderella story, only the glass slipper is a medallion, and the pumpkin carriage is a filthy New York cab.

Back at Eddie's, Angie complains that she's getting hungry, and Eddie yells at her. She starts crying, and Eddie says that she doesn't want to look like a "widdle pig peed in her eyes," so she should shut up and clean herself up. They'll leave as soon as his PAs bring back Laura. They come back, and are quick to explain that it wasn't their faults, and that there were dozens of big guys. Big black guys, another thugs explains, looking to the one black thug to back him up. With chains and clubs and pipes, even. What's not to believe? Well then, Eddie decides, it's time to roll out Rock.

Not one to be put out by a missing bauble, Leroy goes about his business, teaching martial arts at his own dojo. It's very zen, very peaceful; and even though he's wearing the same kind of yellow jumpsuit that Bruce Lee wore in Game of Death, there's very little chance that Bruce Lee-style antics will take place. Why, he's even got a pupil named Johnny who's come up with a unique, nonviolent approach to kung fu: He reasons that since people are afraid of "oriental dudes," all you need to end a fight quickly is "a little move, a little scream, and lots of attitude." He demonstrates this, and works alright for a few seconds. Unfortunately, he explained his ruse loud enough for his opponent to hear him, and he soon finds a foot in his ear. Oh Johnny.

Bad news: Sho'nuff went looking in the white pages under "L" for "Leroy, Bruce". Time for a private goading! Leroy continues to turn down Sho's open invitation for an ass whuppin', and Sho continues to be mad. Instead of simply punching him in the face and forcing the issue, he unleashes his trio of 80s skanks to taunt and annoy him.

None of them appear to be particularly adept fighters, as they can barely throw a convincing feint at Leroy, and their insults are just as flaccid, with the white girl saying stuff like "I would love to peel this banana," and "howza about a little kiss on my fist!" A fight almost breaks out when Leroy gets hit by one of their fake punches, but he calms down enough to merely bow. Sho continues to demand that Leroy bend the knee and "kiss my converse". Leroy doesn't, and no one can make him. At this point, one gets the impression that Leroy is a bit of a chicken. Johnny, on the other hand, thinks he has it all figured out, and challenges one of the thugs to a fight. Surprisingly, his new style fails to intimidate; he runs, he gets caught, and now, Leroy has an incentive to bow down.

Who didn't see that coming? With that sucker kick, Sho decides to end his empty threat session by once again vowing that he will fight Leroy some day. A tactical masterstroke by the Shogun of Harlem. Now, off to prepare for the next episode of pre-fight harassment!

Leroy is slightly better off in his home life. All he has to worry about there is his brother Richie calling him weird and questioning his manhood. As the family sits down for a nice meal with mom, dad, and sis, an ad for Laura's show comes on the TV, and Leroy recognizes her from that whole kidnapping snafu a while back. Richie wants to see her so he can win that date, but Leroy just wants his medallion back. He doesn't come right out and say that, though, and Richie misconstrues what it is that she has that he needs. They walk down to open their dad's pizza place ("Just directa your feetza to Daddy Green's Pizza") and Richie starts hitting Leroy up with a seemingly endless stream of double entendres and thinly-veiled euphemisms. Things like "there's an art to making love, and you don't even got a paint brush," and "not only do you not know when to do something, you wouldn't know where to put it if you did," and finally, "it can really hurt if you don't know what you're doing." And take a look at this:

There's not much going on here, but proper spelling is important, people. The scene is upsetting enough just seeing Richie's leather pants.

Long story short, Richie agrees to bring Leroy along when he heads down to see Laura's show on one condition: Leroy must carry him on his shoulders and rap the whole way there.

The carrying goes much better than the rapping (he doesn't even use the "n-word"). In front of the studio, Richie explains that his buddies will let them in the back door so that they don't have to stand in line for ten minutes and shell out five bucks each. Man, he's really going to owe them big! He leaves Leroy alone at the back door for a minute, and wouldn't you know it:

Laura is getting kidnapped yet again. This time, though, Leroy's timing isn't that great, as he isn't able to catch up to the truck before it drives off with Laura. Fortunately, he has an idea of where to look:

Aw, geez, Rock. Even the losers from the first kidnapping knew not to bring the boss's stationary with them. Come on!

The kidnapped Laura is brought back to Eddie's place and forced to watch Angela's music video. It's not too bad, I guess. It's got a kind of campy feel to it. Sort of a "Cindi Lauper meets the B-52s" kind of quality. It's definitely not the right format for Laura's express train to Motown, though, and she tries to explain this to the assembled parties. Angie, already a little wary of the kidnapping scheme, is more or less clued into this right away, but Eddie isn't taking "no" for an answer. Time to rough Laura up a bit.

Holy crap, a stray ninja! Suffice to say, the thugs don't stand a chance. They try to pull their guns on him, but he hits them in the hands with some kind of strange, feather-like projectile that isn't on screen but for a moment, but makes a nice sticking sound when it hits them. Rather than use their other hands, they rush the ninja, and are promptly whupped on. Even Rock gets trashed, although he gets his from one thug's careless backswing with a chair. With them out of the way, the ninja confronts Eddie:

Underneath the mask, it's Leroy! Incredible!! Eddie is not sufficiently scared, but a quick dunk in his bubbling green fish tank changes that. Though it only took a few seconds for the fish in the tank to strip the meat off of a sizeable animal leg earlier in the movie, Eddie emerges with only a small cut. Leroy then escorts Eddie to the police station and Laura has him arrested for kidnapping... Nah, I'm just kidding. Leroy takes Laura home, and they try their best to put this little episode behind them.

At her place, Leroy pops the question: have you seen my medallion? Laura asks him if he means the thing that "looks like a belt buckle". See, I knew it wasn't just me. Leroy is somewhat put off by her mistaking the awesome kung fu medallion for a belt buckle, but he's just too excited about getting it back to let that keep him down. The good news only gets better, as Laura has made it into a nice necklace for him. She also sends a few subtle hints Leroy's way that it's not his medallion that she's after. Once they finally sink in, Leroy blurts out an obscure Confucianism and then excuses himself.

The next day, Leroy's search takes him to Chinatown. Most seem to think "Sum Dum Goy" is just a Yiddish insult, but a few shopkeepers manage to point him in the right direction. His search is delayed briefly when he stops to observe a trio of Asian street performers dancing and lip-syncing to some more Motown music. During their performance Leroy happens to notice that they're guarding the entrance to the Sum Dum Goy fortune cookie factory. Of course! What else would the wisest man in the universe do as a day job? At the end of the song, Leroy makes his case to the guards, and they tell him, in their faux urban accents, no. One even puts on Leroy's coolie hat and mocks him in a faux Chinese accent. The irony stuns Leroy, and the guards retreat inside, shutting the door behind him.

Meanwhile, Sho'nuff has realized that the family business is likely the quickest path to finding Leroy. He and his crew bust in, make a shortened version of his opening routine, and demand to know where Leroy is. Leroy's dad, having never seen a movie like this, refuses to tell. Bad move. Sho'nuff breaks a table in half with a single chop, and then orders his men, Crunch, Beast, and Cyclone, to wreck up the place (Nitro, Storm, and Turbo are in reserve). They do, and Richie, stupid little Richie, demands that they calm down. Rather than break him in half with a single chop, Sho grabs Richie and dumps him in a trashcan. The breakage continues, culminating with Sho tossing a chair through one of the glass double doors. He leaves a warning for Leroy with Daddy Green, explaining "Now he's got to fight me," indicating that Sho has seen movies like this before.

Leroy arrives just in time to see the departing villains hop in their van and drive. Despite this, he still feels the need to ask "what happened?" They fish Richie out of the trash (luckily, his fall was cushioned by pasta) and he lays it out for him: Sho'nuff trashed the place, it's sort of Leroy's fault, and Leroy is a coward. Realizing that all three are correct, Leroy retreats to his dojo to work out his frustration.

Things are just not looking up for Leroy. Sure, he got his medallion back, but he can't get into see the master because of three dumpy guards. Plus, his brother called him a coward. What if Richie decides to start calling him a coward everyday instead of just a weirdo? Leroy's catharsis is interrupted by Laura. She's put on her most enticing dress to ask Leroy to be her bodyguard. Leroy does his best to be surly, but he's just too soft to really sell it. Laura is very patient with him, but not even the arrival of Johnny "comic relief" Yu can change Leroy's mind. Don't worry, Leroy, you can always find work at your dad's pizza place.


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