In a surprising twist of fate, Leroy just happens to be walking past the
studio just as Laura is leaving. The two exchange glances, and as she gets
into her limo, Leroy is transfixed. He cannot believe that such a
beautiful woman would be riding in a limo that didn't have tinted windows.
Lucky him. Not so lucky for her, though, as she's actually being
kidnapped. Her captor drives for about a block to pick up some more goons
left over from the 1970s, and she almost escapes. It's not a very well
thought out plan, but they did have to throw this plan together at the
last minute.
Ooh, if only they had driven a couple extra blocks. Leroy appears and then
the fists start flying. The B-squad goons put up meager resistance before
climbing back in their cheap limo and driving off. The danger past, Leroy
helps Laura collect her things and calls her a cab before disappearing a
la Batman. Very smooth, Leroy. One thing, though:
You dropped your Bruce Lee belt buckle... I mean, medallion. Wow, it's
like some kind of double-reverse Cinderella story, only the glass slipper
is a medallion, and the pumpkin carriage is a filthy New York cab.
Back at Eddie's, Angie complains that she's getting hungry, and Eddie
yells at her. She starts crying, and Eddie says that she doesn't want to
look like a "widdle pig peed in her eyes," so she should shut up and clean
herself up. They'll leave as soon as his PAs bring back Laura. They come
back, and are quick to explain that it wasn't their faults, and that there
were dozens of big guys. Big black guys, another thugs explains, looking
to the one black thug to back him up. With chains and clubs and pipes,
even. What's not to believe? Well then, Eddie decides, it's time to roll
out Rock.
Not one to be put out by a missing bauble, Leroy goes about his business,
teaching martial arts at his own dojo. It's very zen, very peaceful; and
even though he's wearing the same kind of yellow jumpsuit that Bruce Lee
wore in Game of Death, there's very little chance that Bruce Lee-style
antics will take place. Why, he's even got a pupil named Johnny who's come
up with a unique, nonviolent approach to kung fu: He reasons that since
people are afraid of "oriental dudes," all you need to end a fight quickly
is "a little move, a little scream, and lots of attitude." He demonstrates
this, and works alright for a few seconds. Unfortunately, he explained his
ruse loud enough for his opponent to hear him, and he soon finds a foot in
his ear. Oh Johnny.
Bad news: Sho'nuff went looking in the white pages under "L" for "Leroy,
Bruce". Time for a private goading! Leroy continues to turn down Sho's
open invitation for an ass whuppin', and Sho continues to be mad. Instead
of simply punching him in the face and forcing the issue, he unleashes his
trio of 80s skanks to taunt and annoy him.
None of them appear to be particularly adept fighters, as they can barely
throw a convincing feint at Leroy, and their insults are just as flaccid,
with the white girl saying stuff like "I would love to peel this banana,"
and "howza about a little kiss on my fist!" A fight almost breaks out when
Leroy gets hit by one of their fake punches, but he calms down enough to
merely bow. Sho continues to demand that Leroy bend the knee and "kiss my
converse". Leroy doesn't, and no one can make him. At this point, one gets
the impression that Leroy is a bit of a chicken. Johnny, on the other
hand, thinks he has it all figured out, and challenges one of the thugs to
a fight. Surprisingly, his new style fails to intimidate; he runs, he gets
caught, and now, Leroy has an incentive to bow down.
Who didn't see that coming? With that sucker kick, Sho decides to end his
empty threat session by once again vowing that he will fight Leroy some
day. A tactical masterstroke by the Shogun of Harlem. Now, off to prepare
for the next episode of pre-fight harassment!
Leroy is slightly better off in his home life. All he has to worry about
there is his brother Richie calling him weird and questioning his manhood.
As the family sits down for a nice meal with mom, dad, and sis, an ad for
Laura's show comes on the TV, and Leroy recognizes her from that whole
kidnapping snafu a while back. Richie wants to see her so he can win that
date, but Leroy just wants his medallion back. He doesn't come right out
and say that, though, and Richie misconstrues what it is that she has that
he needs. They walk down to open their dad's pizza place ("Just directa
your feetza to Daddy Green's Pizza") and Richie starts hitting Leroy up
with a seemingly endless stream of double entendres and thinly-veiled
euphemisms. Things like "there's an art to making love, and you don't even
got a paint brush," and "not only do you not know when to do something,
you wouldn't know where to put it if you did," and finally, "it can really
hurt if you don't know what you're doing." And take a look at this:
There's not much going on here, but proper spelling is important, people.
The scene is upsetting enough just seeing Richie's leather pants.
Long story short, Richie agrees to bring Leroy along when he heads down to
see Laura's show on one condition: Leroy must carry him on his shoulders
and rap the whole way there.
The carrying goes much better than the rapping (he doesn't even use the
"n-word"). In front of the studio, Richie explains that his buddies will
let them in the back door so that they don't have to stand in line for ten
minutes and shell out five bucks each. Man, he's really going to owe them
big! He leaves Leroy alone at the back door for a minute, and wouldn't you
know it:
Laura is getting kidnapped yet again. This time, though, Leroy's timing
isn't that great, as he isn't able to catch up to the truck before it
drives off with Laura. Fortunately, he has an idea of where to look:
Aw, geez, Rock. Even the losers from the first kidnapping knew not to
bring the boss's stationary with them. Come on!
The kidnapped Laura is brought back to Eddie's place and forced to watch
Angela's music video. It's not too bad, I guess. It's got a kind of campy
feel to it. Sort of a "Cindi Lauper meets the B-52s" kind of quality. It's
definitely not the right format for Laura's express train to Motown,
though, and she tries to explain this to the assembled parties. Angie,
already a little wary of the kidnapping scheme, is more or less clued into
this right away, but Eddie isn't taking "no" for an answer. Time to rough
Laura up a bit.
Holy crap, a stray ninja! Suffice to
say, the thugs don't stand a chance. They
try to pull their guns on him, but he hits them in the hands with some
kind of strange, feather-like projectile that isn't on screen but for a
moment, but makes a nice sticking sound when it hits them. Rather than use
their other hands, they rush the ninja, and are promptly whupped on. Even
Rock gets trashed, although he gets his from one thug's careless backswing
with a chair. With them out of the way, the ninja confronts Eddie:
Underneath the mask, it's Leroy! Incredible!! Eddie is not sufficiently
scared, but a quick dunk in his bubbling green fish tank changes that.
Though it only took a few seconds for the fish in the tank to strip the
meat off of a sizeable animal leg earlier in the movie, Eddie emerges with
only a small cut. Leroy then escorts Eddie to the police station and Laura
has him arrested for kidnapping... Nah, I'm just kidding. Leroy takes
Laura home, and they try their best to put this little episode behind
them.
At her place, Leroy pops the question: have you seen my medallion? Laura
asks him if he means the thing that "looks like a belt buckle". See, I
knew it wasn't just me. Leroy is somewhat put off by her mistaking the
awesome kung fu medallion for a belt buckle, but he's just too excited
about getting it back to let that keep him down. The good news only gets
better, as Laura has made it into a nice necklace for him. She also sends
a few subtle hints Leroy's way that it's not his medallion that she's
after. Once they finally sink in, Leroy blurts out an obscure Confucianism
and then excuses himself.
The next day, Leroy's search takes him to Chinatown. Most seem to think
"Sum Dum Goy" is just a Yiddish insult, but a few shopkeepers manage to
point him in the right direction. His search is delayed briefly when he
stops to observe a trio of Asian street performers dancing and lip-syncing
to some more Motown music. During their performance Leroy happens to
notice that they're guarding the entrance to the Sum Dum Goy fortune
cookie factory. Of course! What else would the wisest man in the universe
do as a day job? At the end of the song, Leroy makes his case to the
guards, and they tell him, in their faux urban accents, no. One even puts
on Leroy's coolie hat and mocks him in a faux Chinese accent. The irony
stuns Leroy, and the guards retreat inside, shutting the door behind him.
Meanwhile, Sho'nuff has realized that the family business is likely the
quickest path to finding Leroy. He and his crew bust in, make a shortened
version of his opening routine, and demand to know where Leroy is. Leroy's
dad, having never seen a movie like this, refuses to tell. Bad move.
Sho'nuff breaks a table in half with a single chop, and then orders his
men, Crunch, Beast, and Cyclone, to wreck up the place (Nitro, Storm, and
Turbo are in reserve). They do, and Richie, stupid little Richie, demands
that they calm down. Rather than break him in half with a single chop, Sho
grabs Richie and dumps him in a trashcan. The breakage continues,
culminating with Sho tossing a chair through one of the glass double
doors. He leaves a warning for Leroy with Daddy Green, explaining "Now
he's got to fight me," indicating that Sho has seen movies like this
before.
Leroy arrives just in time to see the departing villains hop in their van
and drive. Despite this, he still feels the need to ask "what happened?"
They fish Richie out of the trash (luckily, his fall was cushioned by
pasta) and he lays it out for him: Sho'nuff trashed the place, it's sort
of Leroy's fault, and Leroy is a coward. Realizing that all three are
correct, Leroy retreats to his dojo to work out his frustration.
Things are just not looking up for Leroy. Sure, he got his medallion back,
but he can't get into see the master because of three dumpy guards. Plus,
his brother called him a coward. What if Richie decides to start calling
him a coward everyday instead of just a weirdo? Leroy's catharsis is
interrupted by Laura. She's put on her most enticing dress to ask Leroy to
be her bodyguard. Leroy does his best to be surly, but he's just too soft
to really sell it. Laura is very patient with him, but not even the
arrival of Johnny "comic relief" Yu can change Leroy's mind. Don't worry,
Leroy, you can always find work at your dad's pizza place.
