...CONTINUED

"I like the cropping on that picture."

Meanwhile, it's open call for all psychos as Eddie enacts a plan from Blazing Saddles to take down Leroy. All manner of generic thugs show up at one of Eddie's arcades, including this guy who tossed a co-ed into an incinerator for some reason. The next guy in line is a real treat:

He tosses Rock a crumpled piece of paper and then starts barking at him. The paper explains that he wants double pay. Rock wants to know why he thinks he deserves twice what everyone else is getting, and the barking man answers:

It's convincing enough for Eddie, and he hires the barking fellow on at double pay (minus the cost of the table).

Elsewhere in Arkadia, Angie is working on her next video, a follow-up to the "Dirty Books" song previously seen/heard/kicked out of a jukebox. Eddie, now more acutely aware of the difficulty of making her a star, cuts the practice off early and gives the backup dancers some quarters for some time in his arcade, which they accept in lieu of a paycheck. Once they're gone, Angie admits that she doesn't see much of a future for herself in the music industry, and Eddie reveals his foolproof plan: kill Leroy and force Laura to play her videos. Angie is not familiar enough with the RIAA to know that murder is a perfectly viable corporate strategy, and Eddie rebukes her for it. It's then that she has a moment of clarity, and realizes that Eddie is just using her to get what he wants, and Eddie is shocked that his plans have been discovered by his ditzy ingénue. When she threatens to walk out, Eddie taunts her, saying that she's just "another no-talent dental hygiene school drop-out from Kew Gardens getting by on her tits." Angie, hurt, one-ups him, saying that he's "a misguided midget asshole with dreams of ruling the world. Yeah, also from Kew Gardens. And also getting by on my tits." Kew Gardens is a neighborhood in Queens, by the way, though you probably could have guessed that from listening to them talk for more than five seconds. Angie takes off, and it's the perfect ending to the scene:

"Where do you think you're goin'?"

"Elocution class."

"What fowah!?"

Awesome.

Later, at Sho'nuff's dingy dojo, the Shogun of Harlem is beating the hell out of some other martial artist. It doesn't really seem like a fair fight, considering that Sho has some significant padding on, but the crowd is impressed nonetheless. As are Eddie and Rock. They offer him a sizeable briefcase full of money to take Leroy out, but the magnanimous Shogun turns it down, saying that he'll do it for free as long as they "get that sucker to the designated place at the designated time, and I will gladly designate his ass... for dismemberment!" They agree, and Sho walks off without making light of their tacky suits, or the fact that Eddie is wearing an unconvincing toupee.

Leroy decides to apologize for his attempted surliness, but it's all water under the bridge for Laura. She forgives him and tries once more to sign him on as bodyguard, but he turns her down, explaining that first, he must find the master. He tries to explain the whole "Glow" thing to her, and how if someone could attain the Glow over their whole body, "the beauty he would be able to create would be without bounds." Personally, I don't see how glowing could have a real impact on the world, apart from creating some nice atmosphere or helping a photographer light an indoor scene. Anyway, he points out that it could be used for evil as well, like most things. Then, he nervously segues into asking Laura about a "friend" who doesn't know any "moves" and doesn't even have a "paintbrush". Laura is lost until he explains that he's talking about painting of the horizontal variety ("landscaping," if you will). At this point, Leroy's completely transparent attempt at learning some new "moves" is revealed for what it is, and he shifts uncomfortably while Laura chuckles at him.

She takes Leroy to the studio because she has "something to show him". Just as you might make a mixed tape for your significant other, Laura has made a Bruce Lee montage for Leroy. It works, and the two start making out after only a little resistance from Leroy. There's a couple weird things happening here: The first is that the montage is set to a song that deals, in great detail, with the obscure concept of "The Glow". Secondly, despite it being a montage of Bruce Lee beating the crap out of various people, the end of the video contains a clip from Fist of Fury wherein Lee disguises himself as a telephone repairman in order to infiltrate a rival martial arts school. Despite the fact that she presumably made the video, Laura still seems confused by the clip's inclusion in the montage. Still, it all works out for Leroy, as it gives him an idea of how to get past those puny guards at the fortune cookie factory and he takes off.

Uh oh, looks like a lovestruck Richie arrived just in time to see his lady making out with his brother of all people! He chides Laura for taking a fancy to young Leroy, but she merely chastises him for playing around in the catwalks above the stage. Poor Richie. He's so short, but he's set his sights oh so high.

Continuing in the Green family tradition of good timing, Richie happens to be up in the catwalks to see Eddie and Rock arrive on the scene.

Laura should really remember to lock up the place. Anyway, they grab her, and though Richie once again does his best to diffuse a tense situation, all the bad guys do is laugh at him. Can another trip to the trashcan be far behind? We'll find out later...

The three guards from before are in the middle of a heated game of craps. A call is disputed, but luckily, they have the craps manual at hand. Is a disguise really necessary to fool these idiots?

Apparently so. Leroy dresses up as a pizza guy and tries to mask his voice with a convincing urban accent. Unfortunately, he's about as "street" as Mr. Belvedere, so he decides to just wing it. Suspicions arise, however, and his disguise is soon revealed for what it is. He tries to explain that he's wearing sunglasses at night so he can, so he can see the light that's right before his eyes, but no, they remember him from before. He tells them that he's not that guy, and that "we all just look alike," and they buy it. Why? They reveal that they've been smoking pot and drinking heavily all night. Still, they understand that Leroy could be their key to gaining a greater understanding of the black experience, and so they invite him in to teach them to play craps. Perhaps he should've disguised himself as a sort of "just passing by" craps instructor.

Angie, having spent the last few hours getting all the hair dye and plastic knickknacks out of her hair, swings by Leroy's dojo to warn him of the trap awaiting him at Laura's studio. Johnny is there to take the message, and offers her "something in a medium-sized oriental". She declines, saying "I'm not Jewish". I have no idea what she meant. Anyway, she explains that Eddie has "gone crazy," and how right she is:

With his trap completely set, Eddie has taken to watching music videos in Laura's studio. After watching one by Charlene, he remarks, "she got an agent," and we are left to wonder if Berry Gordy knows anything at all about subtlety.

Meanwhile, Leroy's version of craps has won over the standoffish guards. Still, it's taking an awful long time for Leroy to attain enlightenment, and so he demands to see the master. He shows them his Bruce Lee signature belt buckle, and they show him the door. It's the last straw. Leroy does what he should've done in the first place:

He busts through the door and demands to see the master. The guards try to calm him down by explaining that there is no master, but that is not what he wants to hear. Unfortunately, it turns out to be the truth:

Yep, turns out that a computer was generating all those fortune cookie fortunes, and the three guards just made up the master to sell more cookies. Was there a really competitive fortune cookie market in 1980s New York? Furthermore, is Leroy's old master just an a-hole, or has the true master not been revealed yet? Both, as it turns out.

Leroy confronts his old master at his houseboat and demands to know why he's been sent on a fool's errand. His master responds by giving him a fortune cookie with no fortune inside. Leroy's still confused. His master continues to talk in riddles, and says that there is still one place Leroy hasn't looked for this "master". He doesn't say where, but he does poke Leroy's forehead a couple times. Hmm...

The most notable part of the scene, however, comes when Leroy asks about the medallion. The answer: "a true master would use this to hold up his pants." No! Ya think?

At some point, Leroy returns to his dojo and gets Angie's message. That can only mean one thing: showdown. Johnny offers to come with, but Leroy, knowing that Johnny will at best be a burden, locks him in his weapon closet.

Unfortunately, Eddie is waiting for him, and has all the entrances covered by security cameras. Why the camera feeds are routed to the DJ booth, I can't say. Point is: it's time for a big fight. Eddie kills the lights.

Having heard none of the loud music that was coming out of the studio minutes ago, Leroy creeps in, and is immediately accosted by Eddie's towering visage. He welcomes Leroy to the party, and introduces the guests:

I have to say, Eddie didn't seem like a particularly smart guy, but he did manage to sneak into a studio, learn all the controls for the lights and big screens, and set up his menagerie of psychos without attracting any attention. He must know something. Anyway, he flips the lights back on and the fight kicks off. Leroy does surprisingly well against the gang of thugs, and even though they're enemies, Eddie compliments him. Rock isn't as pleased with how things are going:

Rock, it seems, is the only thug in New York City that has a gun, and he aims (no pun intended) to use it on Leroy. Eddie is shocked, and wrestles it away from him before he can ruin his plan of having Leroy beat up a bunch of his cheap goons. Yes, it seems that Sho'nuff is the only person in this movie to have ever seen a martial arts movie.

DID EDDIE HIRE ANYONE WHO HAS
ACTUALLY BEEN IN A FIGHT BEFORE?
WILL BRUCE LEE RISE FROM THE DEAD
AND STRANGLE BERRY GORDY?
CONTINUE TO PAGE 4 TO SEE! CLICK HERE!

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