The world is in a sorry state today. Wars, corruption, uncertainty, insecurity, injustice... these are all forces that tear the very fabric of our era. The other day I took it upon myself to find out what lead us to this situation. I watched the news, I read the papers and I even browsed through the teletext service. What I found was that the mass media today is as chaotic as the topics it presents, and no clear answer emerged. No, it seemed like I had to do some in-depth detective work. I had to turn to the past to find the seeds of society's downfall. Which is why I combed through hours of public service announcements from the fifties. And let me tell you, what I discovered was shocking.
The main focus of this piece will be on the presentation Perversion for Profit hosted by George Putnam. It's obvious that people's attention span has decreased enormously the last fifty years, I found myself spacing away as I was watching Putnam's talking torso drone on for thirty minutes straight. The content of his speech more than made up for it though, and it also helped that he sounds exactly like Adam West's portrayal of Batman. Plus, my twisted mind found perverted pleasure in watching all the nudity. Ah, I got your attention now, didn't I? You sick little assmonkey.
I'll let the outstanding news reporter himself introduce you to the topic of this PSA:
Hello there. I'm George Putnam. I'd like to begin with a fact. It is this: a flood tide of filth is engulfing our country in the form of newsstand obscenity and it is threatening to pervert an entire generation of our American children. We know that once a person is perverted, it is practically impossible for that person to adjust to normal attitude in regard to sex.
You may wonder what this has to do with the state of today's society, but rest assured that all will be made clear shortly. For now, what we have to work with is this: nudity magazines corrupt and pervert, and once you've been exposed there is no turning back. And this evil force spread throughout the American continent during the fifties like a cancer. Or like a sad, but still just as evil octopus.
These corruptors aren't distributing porn to express themselves, they're in it for the money. That's right, they're abusing the capitalist system in the most vile way possible, this 'poisiporous minority in our society. They lack the moral standards and values of our Judeo-Christian heritage. They not only oppose the principles of that heritage, which has given us rich institutions and laws, but they advocate their overthrow.' I'll be quoting a lot in this one.
Here we learn something important about the producers of this filth: they're not WASPs, and they strive to overthrow the social structure of the US. Why, this is a plan worthy of Skeletor himself! Just think of the possibilities that would have presented themselves to the blue hunk of evil if only the Fearless Photog character had really been introduced to the He-Man series: Skeletor could have used him to snap juicy pictures of Evil-Lyn and Spikor and have distributed them all over Eternia by giving them to a giant squid. And then He-Man and his gang would have been too busy having deviant sex with each other to care about Castle Grayskull! Hmmm... now that I think about it, I may have stolen that scenario from a fan-fic I read once. Not sure I can take the credit.
But how can these accusations be backed up, you ask? Well, Putnam has a long list of groups and agencies that can confirm the deviance of pornographers:
The Military Chapman Association of the United States, practically every major fraternal, civic or religious organization, the Juvenal Court judges, the Federal Bureau of Investigations, innumerable psychiatrists, sociologists, and psychologists attribute the moral decay among our people in very large part to the obscene and pornographic literature so prevalent in our society. This moral decay weakens our defenses to the onslaught of the Communist masters of deceit.
Ah-ha! Not only does this go all the way up to the military and the FBI, porn can also provide the Communists free passes into the US. So to all you out there who insist that if a person wants to watch porn it doesn't hurt anybody: a dirty magazine hid under the bed is nothing more than bait for commie bed monsters. Bed monsters aren't real, you say? Well, Stalin certainly is! Well, was.
But what is the nature of these obscenities?
Well, for one they advocate a 'preoccupation with the female breast to a point where it has become a fetishhhh.' To quote Putnam correctly I would have to use one of those creepy, oozing fonts on the word fetish, but since none of those are Windows standard I have to settle with adding three 'h's. But yes, these magazines are in fact the source of the today all too common breast fetish that completely controls modern culture. Forget Freud, screw Jung and Ericsson, preoccupation with breasts is an artificially engineered illness.
Furthermore, as the right image above proves, many pornographic pictures have overtones of bestiality. That sure is one lustful-looking goat, and if Citizens for Decent Literature Inc hadn't been considerate enough to cover the model's eyes, I'm sure the same sinful gaze would be found in her twin orbs of evil.
Another group of perverts is the nudist society. These deviants insist that their way of life is just that: a way of life, a choice to live as they were born. Putnam makes a very good point that completely shatters this lie: 'Group exposure is a hallmark of these cultists. However, it has been well-stated that very few blind people join... the nudist colonies...' Perverts, the lot of them. And when they tell you that their magazines don't hurt anybody and that they only want a publication to satisfy their wishes for communicating with each other and reading about new ways of being naked, don't believe their misdirecting lies. In the fifties, a man stood up in court and declared that reading a nudist magazine caused him to rape and murder a nine years old girl! But the worst is yet to come. The most dangerous groups known to man are not yet covered.
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We now return you to Learning From the Past!
Seventy-five to ninety percent of all porn ends up in the hands of children, and their fragile minds are thus damaged beyond repair. Yes, they may even be 'enticed to enter the world of homosexuals, lesbians, sadists, masochists and other sex deviants!' Further, Putnam informs that these magazines 'tell youngsters it smarts! It's thrilling! It provides kicks to be a homosexual!' And no, you can't be born gay:
Psychiatrists believe that prolonged exposure of even the normal male adult to this kind of publications, though he may not be aware of its true nature, will nevertheless pervert. Think then of the consequences to the inexperienced youth, who in purchasing and studying this material becomes a pawn for these misfits! These homosexuals! Who have a slogan that betrays the evil of the breed: 'Today's conquest,' they say, 'is tomorrow's competition.'
Now, I'm going to admit I'm not sure what Putnam means by that last sentence. I get the drift of it though: evil! I can confirm this claim myself: for the last week, a guy in my building has been listening to music with his window flung all the way up every single night, robbing me of many hours of precious sleep. In fact, he's at it right now. As if this isn't bad enough, he also sings along, and I'm not exaggerating when I say that he doesn't hit a single note. If it wasn't for the fact that his singing is loosely connected with the songs he plays, I'd put good money on him being deaf. How is this relevant? He only plays Tony Braxton, Backstreet Boys, Wet Wet Wet, Westlife and by God I swear he howls along to Celine Dion as I write. He's clearly a homosexual of the worst sort. Oh my god, he just started swearing like a pink pirate who lost a crate of his plundered cherry tea in the ocean! His gaydar must have picked up my thoughts! Or maybe he just managed to delete an entire folder of Barbara Streisand mp3s. Anyway, what would be a better time to quote a warning to all the porn-purchasing parents out there?
Do you want your son enticed into the world of homosexuals? Or your daughter lured into lesbianism?
I think that one deserves extra emphasis: don't let your daughter get snatched by the snatch! Don't let her be...
While the chances are minimal, there may be some parents connected to a certain kindergarten out there getting ready to sue me right now. All I can say is that I'm very sorry, that I respect your daughters, that I just couldn't find any other suitable pictures, and that this is all in the name of what's good and holy.
Homosexuality isn't only a sin: it also spreads venereal deceases that your tax dollars have to pay for the treatment of. In fact, during the first porn boom, the rate of boys ages ten through eighteen catching these ailments crashed through the roof. Add this to all the money spent on caring for children born outside of marriage, and BAM! goes the budget. This was just after WWII and right smack in the middle of the Cold War, so the conclusion is obvious: homosexuality and promiscuous sex damn near ate the entire military budget. We're lucky the world still is spinning around, and my lord isn't that a Barbara Streisand and Celine Dion duet I can hear behind the wails of a dying gay walrus?
We'll be right back after these messages.
Lift up your honey and give her a whirl!
And now: the exciting conclusion of Learning From the Past!
Before Putnam's conclusion, were are treated to a dramatization of a trial against porn. Of course, people from all social groups are represented in the jury.
The pornographers are of course found guilty. And if you don't think that's a good thing, just listen to what Putnam has up his sleeve:
So you can see from what I have told you and shown you today that a moral decay is spreading through our country and our society. This same type of rot and decay caused sixteen of the nineteen major civilization to vanish from the earth. Magnificent Egypt. Classical Greece. Imperial Rome - all crumbled away.
Hear that? Sixteen out of nineteen major civilizations! But before you build an ark or start running away in fear of turning into a salt pillar, listen to this: 'But we are in a unique position to cure our own ills.' And indeed we are doing this very thing today! Well, 'we' isn't exactly the right word to use here since I personally am not from the US, but I'm sure Europe will follow this ingenious proposition: Senate majority leader Bill Frist just suggested a constitutional amendment to ban homosexual marriages in the US. The recent arrest of two Texan sodomists ended in acquittal, and Frist will not let this stand: he claims this ruling 'threatens to make the American home a place where criminality is condoned.' So there may yet be hope. But what if Western civilization really does crumble like so many empires before it? You're in luck today, the PSA Door to Heaven offers some good pointers when it comes to preparing for the afterlife.
Doors are a central part of our lives. Even more so than most of us realize. Doors enable us to enter our homes. Our schools. Our churches. And our places of business. Without doors, we would be locked out of many comforts and joys of life.
So very, very true. But the Door to Heaven can be difficult to find if you look in the wrong places.
There is only one Door to Heaven. People would have us believe there are many Doors to Heaven. Some say that the Door to Heaven is good works. Some say that the Door to Heaven is good character. Others say that the Door to Heaven is church membership. And then there are those who insist that self-righteousness is the Door to Heaven.
I can tell you right now that the phrase 'Door to Heaven' occurs more often here than the word 'awesome' appears in all movies produced between 1980 and 1995. Also, I have to admit that this particular PSA is so boring I can't bring myself to write any more than I have to. Let's skip the descriptions of four hundred different doors and focus on the main one. The one to Heaven.
You can't bring your sins into Heaven. Or your money. Or your unbelief. The only thing you can bring in through the Door to Heaven is the ones you have won for our Savioh. Believe in Jesus, and you'll get into heaven no matter how much you society is corrupted by homosexuals. There you have it. To cap off this article I'd like to lighten things up with the delightful PSA Knife Thrower and Children.
This family has a rather unusual hobby: knife throwing. Sure, the youngest daughter is two years old, and sure, the mother kind of misses and the knife kind of hits this two-year-old, but only with the shaft end. Anyway it's good clean family fun. Hooray! Until next time: God save us all...
Oh yeah, conclusion. Today's problems can all be traced back to Communist homosexual kids born outside marriage and with venereal diseases and a thriving smut business.
Have a nice day, and don't let those lesbians lure you.
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