by: -RoG-

...CONTINUED

Now while you would think that the angry face on the dog is a result of Corey's horrible bathtub a cappella performance. Believe it or not, the dog is actually defending Corey from his brother Michael who is becoming a vampire. The dog could have chewed out Corey's throat in a heartbeat, yet it chooses to defend him instead. Dumb mutt. After Michael has a rumble with the dog, his brother notices that his reflection in the mirror is now semi-transparent. Sam then runs upstairs while shouting, "My own brother a goddamn, shit-sucking vampire! Oh, you wait 'til mom finds out buddy!" Sam, if mom heard you singing like that in the bathtub and then talking about your brother being a vampire, she'd see to it that you had a lobotomy within 24 hours. Guaranteed.

Wasting no time, Sam calls up the Frog brothers. After all, they're the experts, so they'll surely know what to do. So what do they suggest? Driving a stake through his heart. While I'm sure many people wouldn't have a problem doing this to their siblings, Sam apparently wants to avoid having to kill his brother. Oh well, his loss. After a nap, Michael awakes to find himself floating on the ceiling. Relax Mike, it's a perfectly normal part of becoming a vampire.

This film also teaches us that if a person is a vampire, they're likely to wear sunglasses indoors. So if you see somebody doing this, stab them through the heart with a wooden stake. If they die, then you'll know for sure that they were a vampire. But don't stab grandpa, he just wears sunglasses indoors because he's just too cool. Comprende?

Later on, Sam accompanies his mom to drop off some wine at the house of her new love interest, Max. But as she walks up to Max's house, a ferocious dog chases her down and tears her dress up. Sam notices in his comic book that the "head vampire" often has a guardian, such as the "hounds of hell", to keep watch over him while he sleeps during the day. Put two and two together and they quickly deduce that Max is the head vampire. If they can kill Max, then the spell on all of the other vampires, including the one on Michael, will be lifted.

Enter the Frog brothers. They decide to attend the dinner date that Sam's mom and Max are having back at grandpa's house. After Max is invited in, they try replacing his parmesan cheese with garlic, spilling holy water on his crotch, and checking his reflection in the mirror. The only thing they accomplish is annoying him and ruining the dinner date. So now they're back to square one. Just who is the head vampire?

Cut to a bonfire on the beach later that night and David decides to show Michael just what his gang is all about...

They're one big happy vampire family!

Yes indeed, dancing punks and a roaring fire are more than enough to draw a happy vampire family out of the woodworks. Now that Michael is becoming one of them, they decide to give him a little demonstration on just how vampires are supposed to act.

HEAD-CHOMPING VAMPIRE ACTION!

Did you see that!? This goes against everything I had previously seen in vampire movies. Long gone are the days of "vampires sucking blood from thy neck", these bad boys attack their victims freestyle baby! Just check out David's vicious head-chomp with the tasty blood spurt. Easily one of the best vampire moments ever. The vampires rip those kids apart and then roast them over the open fire. Good times!

Michael does vamp out, but he restrains himself from engaging in any head-chomping or blood-chugging. David tells Michael that he'll never grow old and he'll never die, but he must feed on the blood of humans. If he doesn't? Well, I'm pretty sure he'd get a really bad tummy ache. :( Later on, Michael informs Sam about where the vampire gang sleeps during the day, so Sam calls up the Frog brothers and they prepare to attack.

Don't "Fear the Reaper" Bill!

Decked out in full camouflage gear and armed with big wooden stakes, they make their way deep into the cave by the ocean where the vampires are sleeping. Not knowing which one is the lead vampire, they decide to kill all of them. Better safe than sorry, right? They start off with the smallest, which unfortunately means the demise of your hero and mine, Count Bill S. Preston Esquire. It's sad to see him go, but at least he covers Corey Feldman in a lot o' gooey vampire blood when he dies.

By this point, the other vampires are furious, and David tries to grab onto Sam's foot before he escapes. The sunlight hits his hand however, and it is instantly set ablaze. It is at this moment that we see that vampires have feelings too. Awww, don't cry there Kieffer. Dry those eyes you big bad vampire you. You'll have a chance to kill them later on tonight, I promise. Now run along and go back to sleep.

GLITTER!

Another thing I learned in from movie is that gooey vampire blood apparently turns into glitter. When they exit the cave, Edgar is covered in the stuff and he's sparkling in the sunlight like a rebellious little pixie. I should note that there was a sequel planned for this movie in which vampire blood turned into marshmallows, but unfortunately, the production was canceled.

Realizing that they failed to kill the "head vampire", they're positive that the remaining vampires are going to attack them come nightfall. So what do they do?

They prepare themselves for one hell of a final showdown with those vile vampires! Edgar informs them that no two vampires die in the same way. Some die horribly violent and nasty deaths, others go quietly. Either way, they're taking no chances as they turn the house into a vampire death zone. I really like the phrase "death zone" so I'm going to say it again: DEATH ZONE. Their death zone is compromised of a bathtub filled with holy water and garlic, water guns filled with holy water, and all the teen angst they can muster. Would the vampires stand a chance against such an overwhelming force?

Nope. First, they knock a vampire into the bathtub and he begins to melt away. Ok, actually it was the dog that knocked the vampire into the tub while the Frog brothers just screamed like helpless wimps on the ground. At least they survived... unfortunately, the plumbing in the house didn't.

Warning: some vampires will destroy your plumbing system.

Just as Edgar warned, some vampires die in extremely nasty ways. The one that died in the tub apparently had his own blood travel through all the pipes in the house, causing everything including the kitchen sink to explode with bloody vampire goop. Five bucks says Sam's mom is gonna be the one who gets stuck cleaning up all that crap. Sloppy, ungrateful little pissants...

"Death by Stereo!"

Next up is Sam vs. yet another ugly vampire dude who looks like he came straight out of an 80's hair metal band. Corey shoots him with an arrow right through the heart into the stereo system. After a bunch of fireworks explode, he actually says, "Death by stereo!" Between the gaudy outfits, the Rob Lowe poster, and bad lines like that one, I'm really beginning to think that this entire role was created as an elaborate practical joke on Corey Haim.

Anyway, the Frog brothers celebrate their vampire slayings by making the "hang loose" hand gesture. Sam also joins in, but instead goes with the "I love you" hand gesture. At this point, are any of you really surprised by this? Oh yeah, there's also a little kid who's become a twitching vampire hiding in the corner. They decide to kill him but Star steps in and tells them to leave him alone cuz he's "just a kid". Star, I know you meant well 'n all, but if a kid wants to do nothing but drink my blood and tear apart my flesh, it's probably a good idea to kill the little bastard.

Up next is the big showdown between David and Michael. It's not quite as enthralling as a showdown between Hulk Hogan and Zeus, but it'll still do.

David and Michael fly through the air trying to ram each other into one of grandpa's many stuffed animals that happen to have horns. In the end, Michael throws David onto a set of horns and after a few more emotional Kiefer tears, he's dead. But Michael is still a vampire! You mean David wasn't the head vampire??? Who the hell was it then?

As if it wasn't completely obvious with all the strange looks that grandpa gave him earlier in the movie... Max is the head vampire. They just didn't know it because they invited him into the house, which makes him impervious to garlic 'n stuff. And he's so evil that he sticks out his tongue and goes after Sam and Michael's mom. Who will save her?

GRANDPA TO THE RESCUE!

Grandpa comes crashing through his own house and impales Max with some giant stakes that he attached to his car. What I don't get is how grandpa knew where Max was going to be OR how he was so sure that he wouldn't kill anybody else by accident in the process. I guess when you're as cocksure as grandpa, you don't have to worry about minor details such as "destroying your own house" and "accidentally killing members of your own family". He's a root beer drinking badass and that's all that matters to him.

"Something I never could stomach about Santa Carla... all the damned vampires." Spoken like a true poet. Thank you for saving the day grandpa. We'll never forget you.

So in the end, we've learned a lot of things from the Lost Boys. We've learned that you are rendered powerless against a vampire if you invite it into your house. We've learned that vampire blood has extremely high levels of glitter. We've learned that a bite to the head can spurt out far more blood than one would think. We've learned that Windex is just as good as, if not better than, Old Spice. We've learned that comic books aren't just for entertainment, but are also fact-based information booklets which can indeed save your life. We've learned that Corey Haim will play any role, no matter how pathetic it may be. But most importantly, we've learned that this guy can shake it:

THE END.

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