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Potential Megaman Robot Enemies!
by:
-RoG and Pjalne-

Ever wonder why Dr. Wily was always so pissed off and angry looking? Well, it's probably because he had to spend so much time building robots to defeat Megaman with rather than being able to hand-off the work to some other peons while he enjoyed the good life on a remote tropical island somewhere. You see, back in the glory days of Nintendo Power magazine, they held a contest where all of the readers could send in their ideas for new robots. Once you see what ideas were sent in, it'll become quite clear as to why Dr. Wily kept all of his robotic production work in-house. And a quick note before we get started with the new robots: a hearty thanks go out to one of our forum frequenters, Rockets Redglare, for sending in the scans of these old Nintendo Power pages to us.

NOW YOU'RE PLAYING WITH POWER! :o

Now that we're done with the introduction, let's get down to business. Myself and Pjalne have each decided to personally evaluate all of the new ideas for Megaman robot enemies that were sent in to Nintendo Power. Warning: Some of these concepts will frighten you. Some of them will cause you to lose sleep. Some of them may even cause you to lose control of your bowels. But we assure you, everything you're about to see were all real contest entries that people sent into Nintendo Power. May god have mercy on the souls of those who created them.

FREEZE MAN

RoG: So this robot can't move. How exactly is he supposed to hurt Megaman now?

Pjalne: Uh... I never really figured out if Megaman had any organic parts or not, but if he's got a real tongue, Freeze man could trick him into licking him, I guess. He could say something like "Hey, Megaman, I taste like... robot strawberries or something, come have a taste." And then Megaman would be stuck until that dog of his came along with a cup of hot water.

RoG: Wait, robots have tongues? My entire world just caved in on itself.

Pjalne: Well, cyborgs have tongues. Is Megaman a cyborg?

RoG: Well, we've all seen him without that helmet on. He's got some nice bushy hair goin on there, so I would have to say yes.

Pjalne: Guess Freezeman does stand a chance after all, then. Good job, Greg.

RoG: Megaman's robo-tongue won't stand a chance!

Pjalne: Goodbye sweet taste, hello bitter motoroil shakes. Or whatever Megaman drinks when he's back at his pad.

OPTIC MAN

Pjalne: I hope for Megaman's sake there's a Squirty Grapefruit Man somewhere to steal abilities from, cause this boy could stare him down any day of the week.

RoG: Yeah, if they're holding a staring contest, I'm afraid Megaman is shit out of luck. It doesn't even look like Optic Man has the ability to blink. This guy must single-handedly keep the Visine people in business.

Pjalne: Yeah, and that's one big-ass optic nerve he's got running down behind him. Or maybe it's a tail.

RoG: If it's an optic nerve, he had better make sure that he doesn't accidentally step on it with those gargantuan orange moon boots of his.

BEE MAN

RoG: The Yellow and Black Attack? OMG! He's gonna send Asians and South Africans after Megaman! When did this game introduce racial issues?

Pjalne: But why "Bee Man"? If race had anything to do with this, wouldn't WASP Man be a better name?

RoG: WHO YOU CALLIN' A WASP, CRACKA?

Pjalne: I can't compete with neither yours or Bee Man's stylin' ebonics, RoG. I'm as white as they come. In fact, when Hitler saw us Norwegians, he was all like "Damn, those some white folks."

RoG: Oh yeah, I forgot you're from Norway. Shouldn't you be running around in a field or sitting upon an oaken throne and playing black metal?

Pjalne: Nah, I was done pillaging and burning hours ago.

DART MAN

Pjalne: Now, here's a bright one. What's with the target in the middle of the chest?

RoG: I'm guessing the only way he can be defeated is if someone hits him in the bullseye. I always love how the bad guys conveniently leave a not-too-impossible way for the good guys to defeat them. You know, like how the giant Death Star could be completely destroyed if you happened to shoot a few bullets into that small hole.

Pjalne: Yeah, you've gotta love the bad guys for their sense of poetic symmetry. And their taste in headgear. I'm pretty sure I saw Naomi Campbell wearing that same dart hat on the catwalk.

RoG: Wait, I can throw darts at Naomi Campbell? Where do I sign up?

BALLOON MAN

RoG: Wait, how did a character from the game "Balloon Fight" end up as a robot enemy for Megaman? And furthermore, why is he wearing a diving suit?

Pjalne: I don't know, but that suit better be hollow, or he won't be able to stay airborne for long. Unless that's some sort of super-helium he's got in his balloons.

RoG: And just how are balloons supposed to hurt Megaman? I mean, we all saw how easily he kicked Bubbleman's ass. It's hard to imagine that balloons are much more powerful than bubbles.

Pjalne: Maybe he's got some sort of high-pitch helium voice that shatters Megaman's eardrums. If Megaman even has eardrums, and not, like, microphones. You've got to love his expression, though. It's like he's thinking "Oh man, what made me think this would be a good idea?"

SCORPION MAN

Pjalne: Scorpion man more like Shrimp Man am I right?

RoG: I bet he tastes damned good when dipped in butter.

Pjalne: As good as dials and bolts can taste, anyway. What's that thing he's got, is it a metal detector?

RoG: Oh that's a metal detector? I thought he was relieving himself of his own bodily waste.

Pjalne: Oh yeah, maybe his attack is shooting digested krill or something.

COPTER MAN

RoG: So this guy can attack from any angle. Watch out Megaman! He's gonna get all Isosceles on your ass!

Pjalne: He kinda looks like he's the guy who runs the underworld in Sesame Street. I think it's the nose.

RoG: No way, Oscar the Grouch could kick this flying tin can's ass from here to kingdom come.

Pjalne: Yeah, you're right. Oscar lives in a freaking trash can. He knows how to deal with anything the streets drop on you.

SUN MAN

Pjalne: Wow, this guy has a beard made from fire. Plus, he could probably give Megaman skin cancer in five seconds. Well, plating cancer.

RoG: Even more impressive is that he's apparently found a way to shrink down the sun so it can fit into his hands. But what if he misses when the throws the sun at Megaman? Then there won't be any light for them and they won't be able to see each other.

Pjalne: And what would happen if Megaman beat him? Would he turn into Black Hole Man or Supernova Fuck the Galaxy Up Man?

RoG: All I know is this he may get his powers from the sun, but he's still infinitely cooler than that "Nuclear Man" guy from "Superman IV: The Quest For Peace."

SMOKE MAN

RoG: Nice anti-smoking propaganda there, Ulyesses. Lemme guess, you work for those "TRUTH" media people?

Pjalne: He'd probably make a good villain in an anti-smoking PSA. He could come bashing through a wall in a hospital and the nurses would be all "There's no smoking in here, sir." And he'd say something like "I'm through with all you people who discriminate against us smokers. Smokers are people too." And then they'd say "No, they're OBVIOUSLY robots."

RoG: Bashing through a wall like the Kool-Aid man. Only difference is that he'd say, "OH *cough* YEAH! *wheeze*"

PLASMA MAN

Pjalne: I never got all my Transformers straight, but I'm pretty sure that's one of them.

RoG: That's TOTALLY Bumblebee. So I guess his specialty is turning into a VW Bug and giving Megaman a ride?

Pjalne: Last ride of his life. It'd probably be the only time you'd see the mafia drive a German car. Or BE a German car, for that matter.

RoG: In all honesty, I think this guy would be more threatening if he could turn into Herbie the Love Bug.

Pjalne: Herbie could totally fuck KITT from Knightrider up. Any car who drives around with Bruce Campbell inside is way more badass than anything that would accept Hasselhoff in the driver's seat.

RoG: Don't forget Don Knotts man. DON KNOTTS! Herbie drove Don Knotts. That gives him instant street cred.

Pjalne: Oh yeah, Herbie's doesn't just ride with the big boys, the big boys ride HIM.

SPRING MAN

RoG: Ok, aside from the fact that there are already some regular stage enemies on bouncing springs like this guy, is it me or is he wearing an English Bobby hat?

Pjalne: I think you're right. And I wish those things on his head were $crooge sideburns and not springs. Then he could be Copper Man and say stuff like "Looks like you're nicked, Megaman." or "No crumpets for you, you're arrested in the name of the Queen." Or whatever they say, I don't watch The Bill.

RoG: Well one thing's for sure; if Dick Van Dyke shows up and starts singing about how he's a proud chimney sweeper, I'm never playing a goddamned Megaman game again.

Pjalne: If that happened, I'd never stop.

CLONE MAN

Pjalne: Looks like Clone Man has been spending time with Smoke Man.

RoG: Smoking crack perhaps. Look at that expression on his face!

Pjalne: He really doesn't look like he's up for a fight. Also, if he's gonna pretend he's Megaman, he's got the same problem as that Faker guy in Masters of the Universe. The people of Eternia might be dumb mutant freaks, but surely they must notice He-Man suddenly has blue skin.

RoG: Maybe he'll forget to shave and then he'll look like Moss Man. Then he can just hide in the shrubbery and hope Bubble Man comes to his rescue.

Pjalne: Wait, who are we talking about now?

RoG: The strung out crack addict in the pink suit.

Pjalne: Oh yeah. I don't think he needs to shave. But if he did he probably would forget. Too many bugs creeping under his skin to deal with.

VOLT MAN

RoG: What happens to Volt Man when he's fighting in the UK? Does he have a voltage converter for those plugs of his? If not, he's pretty much screwed.

Pjalne: He'd probably have to sit around sucking on batteries all day just to stay awake. Of all the guys we've covered so far, this one is by far the toughest-looking. Still, I bet he'd look pretty silly at night with his head stuck in a wall socket and all.

RoG: Wouldn't he electrocute himself anytime he went to take a wizz?

Pjalne: I think that's how he masturbates.

YO-YO MAN

Pjalne: The first thing that pops into my mind when I see this guy is "Kickin rad to the max".

RoG: I had no idea the Smothers Brothers had made their way into the Megaman series. Tom Smothers sure has aged... strangely.

Pjalne: This has to be the most desperate revamp I've ever seen. And that's counting the He-Man show from the nineties.

RoG: He could save the world with those yo-yo's, but sadly he's fallen to the dark side. Who knows what evils he's capable of now with those deadly yo-yo's at his disposal.

DIAMOND MAN

RoG: Pjalne, will you marry me? Look at the size of the diamond I bought you for chrissakes!

Pjalne: Wow, just imagine when you take my to fancy parties and people ask me "Why, Pjalne, didn't RoG get you a decent ring?" Then I could just say "Oh yes, he did, it's walking around here somewhere. I'll be sure to introduce you."

RoG: Joke's on you sucka! It's a cubic zirconia! YOU GOT PWNED!

Pjalne: </3 :(

ATOM MAN

Pjalne: He can be as nuclear as he wants, I'm not gonna be afraid of someone who needs swimming aids.

RoG: Yeah, how maneuverable can he be if he's wearing friggin' floaties? I bet he throws a hissy fit whenever the lifeguard announces it's time for the "adult swim" too.

Pjalne: Plus, how intimidating can you be with a broccoli hat?

RoG: If that's how Broccoli looks in Norway, remind me to never travel there.

Pjalne: You should see our cauliflowers.

RoG: Do they wear orange floaties too?

STEAM MAN

Pjalne: Let me tell you one thing, Thurston Long from Kansas City, MO: Taking an already-existing robot and putting some lightning bolts and khaki pants on him isn't how you win a contest.

RoG: He wants to scald Megaman's hide? I think that qualifies as sexual harassment.

Pjalne: Megaman should megasue him. Like that secretary did. And the old lady who got scolded on coffee. Double score.

RoG: I just want to know what a steam bomb is. I mean, a bomb is usually enough to kill a person, why do these ones need the added steam?

Pjalne: Maybe it was late one night and Wily figured he'd just take his vegetable steamer and give him some legs and call it a day.

RoG: The day Megaman has to face a George Foreman grill is the day evil shall triumph.

GLUE MAN

RoG: Wow, this is honestly the first character that I think has some real potential. And I'm not just saying that because I ate all the paste back in elementary school.

Pjalne: He's got a pretty big head, though. Or maybe he's a dwarf. Wait, I mean midget. Wait, I mean... little person? What the hell is the PC term for those damn gnomes these days? We still call people negroes over here, I can't keep up with this stuff.

RoG: Oompa Loompas.

Pjalne: Thanks. That should save me from from awkward situations in the future.

RoG: Anytime. I look forward to seeing the Keebler Elves kicking your big Nordic ass.

CONTINUE TO THE NEXT PAGE


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