wonder why Dr. Wily was always so pissed off and angry looking? Well,
it's probably because he had to spend so much time building robots to
defeat Megaman with rather than being able to hand-off the work to
some other peons while he enjoyed the good life on a remote tropical
island somewhere. You see, back in the glory days
of Nintendo Power magazine, they held a contest where all of the
readers could send in their ideas for new robots. Once you see what
ideas were sent in, it'll become quite clear as to why Dr. Wily kept
all of his robotic production work in-house. And a
quick note before we get started with the new robots: a hearty thanks go
out to one of our forum frequenters, Rockets Redglare,
for sending in the scans of these old Nintendo Power pages to us.
we're done with the introduction, let's get down to business. Myself
and Pjalne have each decided to personally evaluate all of the new
ideas for Megaman robot enemies that were sent in to Nintendo Power.
Warning: Some of these concepts will frighten you. Some of them
will cause you to lose sleep. Some of them may even cause you to lose
control of your bowels. But we assure you, everything you're about to
see were all real contest entries that people sent into Nintendo
Power. May god have mercy on the souls of those who created them.
So this robot can't move. How exactly is he supposed to hurt Megaman
Pjalne: Uh... I never really figured out if Megaman had any
organic parts or not, but if he's got a real tongue, Freeze man could
trick him into licking him, I guess. He could say something like "Hey,
Megaman, I taste like... robot strawberries or something, come have a
taste." And then Megaman would be stuck until that dog of his came
along with a cup of hot water.
Wait, robots have tongues? My entire world just caved in on itself.
Pjalne: Well, cyborgs have tongues. Is Megaman a cyborg?
Well, we've all seen him without that helmet on. He's got some nice
bushy hair goin on there, so I would have to say yes.
Pjalne: Guess Freezeman does stand a chance after all, then. Good
Megaman's robo-tongue won't stand a chance!
Pjalne: Goodbye sweet taste, hello bitter motoroil shakes. Or
whatever Megaman drinks when he's back at his pad.
Pjalne: I hope for Megaman's sake there's a Squirty Grapefruit Man
somewhere to steal abilities from, cause this boy could stare him down
any day of the week.
Yeah, if they're holding a staring contest, I'm afraid Megaman is shit
out of luck. It doesn't even look like Optic Man has the ability to
blink. This guy must single-handedly keep the Visine people in
Pjalne: Yeah, and that's one big-ass optic nerve he's got running
down behind him. Or maybe it's a tail.
If it's an optic nerve, he had better make sure that he doesn't
accidentally step on it with those gargantuan orange moon boots of
The Yellow and Black Attack? OMG! He's gonna send Asians and South
Africans after Megaman! When did this game introduce racial issues?
Pjalne: But why "Bee Man"? If race had anything to do with this,
wouldn't WASP Man be a better name?
WHO YOU CALLIN' A WASP, CRACKA?
Pjalne: I can't compete with neither yours or Bee Man's stylin'
ebonics, RoG. I'm as white as they come. In fact, when Hitler saw us
Norwegians, he was all like "Damn, those some white folks."
Oh yeah, I forgot you're from Norway. Shouldn't you be running around
in a field or sitting upon an oaken throne and playing black metal?
Pjalne: Nah, I was done pillaging and burning hours ago.
Pjalne: Now, here's a bright one. What's with the target in the
middle of the chest?
I'm guessing the only way he can be defeated is if someone hits him in
the bullseye. I always love how the bad guys conveniently leave a
not-too-impossible way for the good guys to defeat them. You know,
like how the giant Death Star could be completely destroyed if you
happened to shoot a few bullets into that small hole.
Pjalne: Yeah, you've gotta love the bad guys for their sense of
poetic symmetry. And their taste in headgear. I'm pretty sure I saw
Naomi Campbell wearing that same dart hat on the catwalk.
Wait, I can throw darts at Naomi Campbell? Where do I sign up?
Wait, how did a character from the game "Balloon Fight" end up as a
robot enemy for Megaman? And furthermore, why is he wearing a diving
Pjalne: I don't know, but that suit better be hollow, or he won't
be able to stay airborne for long. Unless that's some sort of
super-helium he's got in his balloons.
And just how are balloons supposed to hurt Megaman? I mean, we all saw
how easily he kicked Bubbleman's ass. It's hard to imagine that
balloons are much more powerful than bubbles.
Pjalne: Maybe he's got some sort of high-pitch helium voice that
shatters Megaman's eardrums. If Megaman even has eardrums, and not,
like, microphones. You've got to love his expression, though. It's
like he's thinking "Oh man, what made me think this would be a good
Pjalne: Scorpion man more like Shrimp Man am I right?
I bet he tastes damned good when dipped in butter.
Pjalne: As good as dials and bolts can taste, anyway. What's that
thing he's got, is it a metal detector?
Oh that's a metal detector? I thought he was relieving himself of his
own bodily waste.
Pjalne: Oh yeah, maybe his attack is shooting digested krill or
So this guy can attack from any angle. Watch out Megaman! He's gonna
get all Isosceles on your ass!
Pjalne: He kinda looks like he's the guy who runs the underworld
in Sesame Street. I think it's the nose.
No way, Oscar the Grouch could kick this flying tin can's ass from
here to kingdom come.
Pjalne: Yeah, you're right. Oscar lives in a freaking trash can.
He knows how to deal with anything the streets drop on you.
Pjalne: Wow, this guy has a beard made from fire. Plus, he could
probably give Megaman skin cancer in five seconds. Well, plating
Even more impressive is that he's apparently found a way to shrink
down the sun so it can fit into his hands. But what if he misses when
the throws the sun at Megaman? Then there won't be any light for them
and they won't be able to see each other.
Pjalne: And what would happen if Megaman beat him? Would he turn
into Black Hole Man or Supernova Fuck the Galaxy Up Man?
All I know is this — he may get his powers from the sun, but he's
still infinitely cooler than that "Nuclear Man" guy from "Superman IV:
The Quest For Peace."
Nice anti-smoking propaganda there, Ulyesses. Lemme guess, you work
for those "TRUTH" media people?
Pjalne: He'd probably make a good villain in an anti-smoking PSA.
He could come bashing through a wall in a hospital and the nurses
would be all "There's no smoking in here, sir." And he'd say something
like "I'm through with all you people who discriminate against us
smokers. Smokers are people too." And then they'd say "No, they're
Bashing through a wall like the Kool-Aid man. Only difference is that
he'd say, "OH *cough* YEAH! *wheeze*"
Pjalne: I never got all my Transformers straight, but I'm pretty
sure that's one of them.
That's TOTALLY Bumblebee. So I guess his specialty is turning into a
VW Bug and giving Megaman a ride?
Pjalne: Last ride of his life. It'd probably be the only time
you'd see the mafia drive a German car. Or BE a German car, for that
In all honesty, I think this guy would be more threatening if he could
turn into Herbie the Love Bug.
Pjalne: Herbie could totally fuck KITT from Knightrider up. Any
car who drives around with Bruce Campbell inside is way more badass
than anything that would accept Hasselhoff in the driver's seat.
Don't forget Don Knotts man. DON KNOTTS! Herbie drove Don
Knotts. That gives him instant street cred.
Pjalne: Oh yeah, Herbie's doesn't just ride with the big boys, the
big boys ride HIM.
Ok, aside from the fact that there are already some regular stage
enemies on bouncing springs like this guy, is it me or is he wearing
an English Bobby hat?
Pjalne: I think you're right. And I wish those things on his head
were $crooge sideburns and not springs. Then he could be Copper Man
and say stuff like "Looks like you're nicked, Megaman." or "No
crumpets for you, you're arrested in the name of the Queen." Or
whatever they say, I don't watch The Bill.
Well one thing's for sure; if Dick Van Dyke shows up and starts
singing about how he's a proud chimney sweeper, I'm never playing a
goddamned Megaman game again.
Pjalne: If that happened, I'd never stop.
Pjalne: Looks like Clone Man has been spending time with Smoke
Smoking crack perhaps. Look at that expression on his face!
Pjalne: He really doesn't look like he's up for a fight. Also, if
he's gonna pretend he's Megaman, he's got the same problem as that
Faker guy in Masters of the Universe. The people of Eternia might be
dumb mutant freaks, but surely they must notice He-Man suddenly has
Maybe he'll forget to shave and then he'll look like Moss Man. Then he
can just hide in the shrubbery and hope Bubble Man comes to his
Pjalne: Wait, who are we talking about now?
The strung out crack addict in the pink suit.
Pjalne: Oh yeah. I don't think he needs to shave. But if he did he
probably would forget. Too many bugs creeping under his skin to deal
What happens to Volt Man when he's fighting in the UK? Does he have a
voltage converter for those plugs of his? If not, he's pretty much
Pjalne: He'd probably have to sit around sucking on batteries all
day just to stay awake. Of all the guys we've covered so far, this one
is by far the toughest-looking. Still, I bet he'd look pretty silly at
night with his head stuck in a wall socket and all.
Wouldn't he electrocute himself anytime he went to take a wizz?
Pjalne: I think that's how he masturbates.
Pjalne: The first thing that pops into my mind when I see this guy
is "Kickin rad to the max".
I had no idea the Smothers Brothers had made their way into the
Megaman series. Tom Smothers sure has aged... strangely.
Pjalne: This has to be the most desperate revamp I've ever seen.
And that's counting the He-Man show from the nineties.
He could save the world with those yo-yo's, but sadly he's fallen to
the dark side. Who knows what evils he's capable of now with those
deadly yo-yo's at his disposal.
Pjalne, will you marry me? Look at the size of the diamond I bought
you for chrissakes!
Pjalne: Wow, just imagine when you take my to fancy parties and
people ask me "Why, Pjalne, didn't RoG get you a decent ring?" Then I
could just say "Oh yes, he did, it's walking around here somewhere.
I'll be sure to introduce you."
Joke's on you sucka! It's a cubic zirconia! YOU GOT PWNED!
Pjalne: </3 :(
Pjalne: He can be as nuclear as he wants, I'm not gonna be afraid
of someone who needs swimming aids.
Yeah, how maneuverable can he be if he's wearing friggin' floaties? I
bet he throws a hissy fit whenever the lifeguard announces it's time
for the "adult swim" too.
Pjalne: Plus, how intimidating can you be with a broccoli hat?
If that's how Broccoli looks in Norway, remind me to never travel
Pjalne: You should see our cauliflowers.
Do they wear orange floaties too?
Pjalne: Let me tell you one thing, Thurston Long from Kansas City,
MO: Taking an already-existing robot and putting some lightning bolts
and khaki pants on him isn't how you win a contest.
He wants to scald Megaman's hide? I think that qualifies as sexual
Pjalne: Megaman should megasue him. Like that secretary did. And
the old lady who got scolded on coffee. Double score.
I just want to know what a steam bomb is. I mean, a bomb is usually
enough to kill a person, why do these ones need the added steam?
Pjalne: Maybe it was late one night and Wily figured he'd just
take his vegetable steamer and give him some legs and call it a day.
The day Megaman has to face a George Foreman grill is the day evil
Wow, this is honestly the first character that I think has some real
potential. And I'm not just saying that because I ate all the paste
back in elementary school.
Pjalne: He's got a pretty big head, though. Or maybe he's a dwarf.
Wait, I mean midget. Wait, I mean... little person? What the hell is
the PC term for those damn gnomes these days? We still call people
negroes over here, I can't keep up with this stuff.
Pjalne: Thanks. That should save me from from awkward situations
in the future.
Anytime. I look forward to seeing the Keebler Elves kicking your big