Pjalne: Oh brother, I'd hate to be this guy. He probably can't go
anywhere without people asking him if they can make a quick call.
RoG:
Christ, you'd think Dr. Wily would've at least made him a touch tone
phone. Having a rotary phone for his attacks is definitely gonna slow
him down while he dials each number.
Pjalne: What are his attacks, anyway? Lewd calls?
RoG:
I'm guessing he dials 976-EVIL and turns Megaman into a satanic
killer, just like in the movie.
RoG:
LOOK OUT! HE'S GOT A GIANT MEATBALL AND HE'S NOT AFRAID TO USE IT!
Pjalne: That's a pretty gross cow vein sticking out right there.
This is exactly why I don't eat meatballs and sausages and stuff.
RoG:
Go cry to PETA, nancy-boy
Pjalne: Oh, you should see me stuffing sheep down my throat.
RoG:
Unshaven?
Pjalne: Undead. Well, not zombie-undead. Well, I won't knock it
before I try it.
RoG:
Wow. Color me impressed.
RoG:
Frost Man is Freeze Man's younger brother. You can tell he's younger
because he still wears diapers.
Pjalne: Looks like he's ripe for a change. And how.
RoG:
Smells like he's ripe for a change too. Is that a hint of Gerber
Peaches 'n Cream mixed with gasoline I detect?
Pjalne: Silly Magic Man, science and magic don't mix. Well, maybe
he's just one of those birthday party magicians.
RoG:
I had a magician at a birthday party once. His big magic trick was
making all of my dad's booze disappear. :(
Pjalne: Before or after the show?
RoG:
There was a show?
RoG:
WATCH out, it's TIME for Clock Man to attack! LOL
Pjalne: Boy, does this guy ever hate himself. It must suck
whenever it's ten to or ten past and he has to wait for the damn
minute dial to get out of his eye.
RoG:
Just like Dial Man was a rotary phone, couldn't Clock Man have been a
digital watch instead? At least then he wouldn't have to wind himself
up
Pjalne: Maybe he likes to wind himself up, if you catch my drift.
RoG:
Perv.
Pjalne: Yeah, that's right, call me a perv and then give me this
one to comment on. You're a real nice guy, RoG.
RoG:
It's only fitting that you get the next pink robot to start off with.
Baytown, TX? More like GAYtown, TX... am I right guys???
Pjalne: Comedy gold, RoG.
RoG:
Thanks, that's what they pay me the big bucks for.
RoG:
I refuse to accept that these are robot enemies. Teddy Ruxpin is more
of a robot than this bear.
Pjalne: What, Wily has a daughter now? His age aside, you'd think
that lab of his had rendered him sterile by now.
RoG:
Well it obviously rendered him a bad name-giver. I mean really,
Weaseletta? How the hell does he expect his daughter to get asked to
the prom with a name like that?
Pjalne: Maybe she's easy.
Pjalne: Oh great, another one of those shield weapons. Those were
the biggest gyps in the entire series.
RoG:
I refuse to comment on Spook Man. That's just plain racist.
Pjalne: Would his level have robotic burning crosses or something?
RoG:
I said NO COMMENT, you racist.
Pjalne: Better do the next one, then.
RoG:
If Power Man and Volt Man get together, we're either gonna have a
major outage or one hell of a robotic porno movie on our hands.
Pjalne: That IS a lot of plugs and sockets.
RoG:
Yep, that's a lot of male inputs and female receivers.
Pjalne: Nice try, Wolverine, but this contest is robots only.
RoG:
"Awww come on guys! Let me be in the evil robot club too!"
Pjalne: Gotta wonder how he fits all that hair into that mask,
though.
RoG:
Very true. Actually, Dr. Wily should just let Wolverine be on his side
anyway. I mean think about it, Wolverine would destroy Megaman in a
heartbeat. Those adamantium blades of his would cute through Megaman
like butter.
Pjalne: Plus, he'd probably try to score with his girlfriend. Or
sister, or whatever Roll is. Not like it matters, they're robots.
RoG:
He'd stick his sprocket in her socket.
Pjalne: Electric.
RoG:
If that isn't a monkey in a purple suit, then I'll lay myself down in
front of a steamroller.
Pjalne: And what's worse, it's a monkey who's gonna cut ya!
RoG:
But what in the fuck is going on with that blade stuck on his
forehead? I won't even ask why there are throwing stars on the ends of
each blade.
Pjalne: For maximum cutting impact, I suppose. That should be a
movie. "Maximum Cutting Impact starring Dean Cain, tonight on
Channel 4!"
Pjalne: "Dear Livejournal. I cut myself again tonight, looks like
it's gonna be another long sleeve week. But I wouldn't take that bitch
back, no matter how much it hurts to be alone. I'll have to walk
through these raven shadows that drown me, and maybe some day I'll
have a happy life like those plastic people on television or some
crap. I fucking hate my mother."
RoG:
Is Blader even a word? That'd be like saying "Knifer"
Pjalne: I think he's just trying to be ever more blade than Blade
Man.
RoG:
Trying to makeup for some other shortcomings perhaps? Well either way,
he's one sad looking teenage mutant ninja turtle, that's for damned
sure.
RoG:
There may be no "eye of the storm" with this guy, but I have a feeling
he'd have no problem giving Megaman a peek at the eye of his one-eyed
monster if you know what I mean.
Pjalne: What?
RoG:
Perv.
RoG:
For a black man, Black Man is awfully white.
Pjalne: He's probably just a wigger. He's got a W on his forehead
and everything. Or maybe he's one of those white black people, like
Michael Jackson.
RoG:
I bet he's got a lowrider 'n everything, but when nobody's around, he
pops in a Dan Fogelberg CD and cries just a little bit about how
hollow he's become.
Pjalne: Blazing all around your room sounds more like something a
six-year-old would do than a robot attack.
RoG:
What's the difference between this chump and Heatman?
Pjalne: I don't know. What's the difference between Heat Man and
Fire Man? I think the Capcom guys ran out of ideas after the second
game or something. I mean, what was Flower Man all about?
RoG:
Well, just as long as they don't call a robot Flaming Man, I guess
we're ok. Cuz if they do that, the floodgates to robotic gay jokes
will be wide open.
Pjalne: Yeah, because we're not making those already.
Pjalne: Hmmm... after making fun of little kids' drawings for so
long, I'm not so sure what to do when a good one comes along. How
about... no...
RoG:
Wait, where's the good kids' drawing? Did I miss something?
Pjalne: Well, I'm pretty sure Randy is a Norwegian-American.
Gotta support the homes, yo.
RoG:
Wouldn't his name be something like "Rjörndy" if he was from
Norway?
Pjalne: Hey, don't talk shit about my mother like that.
RoG:
So Insect Man has all the powers of Bee Man, minus the
stinger. What's next, Ladybug Man?
Pjalne: I'd like to see a Slug Man. Or Spi... I mean, Arachnid
Man.
RoG:
I imagine the Slug Man fight would either take a really long
time or it would end in a heartbeat.
Pjalne: Especially if Megaman had already beaten Salt Man.
Pjalne: Nice plaids there, Clown Man.
RoG:
Hey, this guy showed up at one of my birthday parties and
drank all of my dad's booze too!
Pjalne: Did he do any tricks afterwards?
RoG:
Ever heard of John Wayne Gacy?
RoG:
Nuclear Man is on the verge of a meltdown, and the only man
that can save us? Jack Bauer.
Pjalne: Wow, looks like Fireman got promoted. Good for him.
RoG:
So from what I can gather, this robot's fighting strategy is
to simply kill himself and take everyone within a 5-mile radius down
with him.
Pjalne: Well, I can't see many other ways for a guy called Nuke
Man to do anything except meltdown or explode.
RoG:
Well, if he takes out all the other aforementioned robot
ideas in a fiery blaze of glory, I'd say he's the most useful evil
robot of them all.
Pjalne: Tru dat. I have to say, though, some of these
suggestions were a bit better than a lot of the ones Capcom came up
with themselves.
RoG:
If you're talkin' shit about Bubble Man again, I think I
might have to pistol whip you.
Pjalne: No, no, Bubble Man is the man. Now, that Bubble Man
wannabe Toad Man, on the other hand... Oh man, does he ever make my
blood boil.
RoG:
Agreed. Toad Man and Mario in the frog suit should have a
fight to the death.
Pjalne: Whoever wins... we lose. Unless Mario wins. Then we win as
well.
RoG:
I dunno, don't you think our society has been oversaturated with Mario
games by now? There's gotta be a point where when Mario wins, we lose.
Pjalne: Yeah, it's called Mario Is Missing.
Pjalne: Anyway, it looks like we're fresh out of robots.
RoG:
And what a shame that is. I was really looking forward to reviewing 3
more pages worth of these masterpieces.
Pjalne: Yeah, I was ready to whip out my dynamite material. Guess
I'll have to put it all back into the folder.
RoG:
You know, you've been writing for a good number of years now. It might
be time to actually use some of that "dynamite" material for once.
Pjalne: I'm saving the best for last. Whenever that is. Anyway,
you don't pay me enough.
RoG:
The last being your epitaph?
Pjalne: Oh boy will it ever rock the cemetery. But tell me, RoG.
Which robot was your favorite?
RoG:
Hmm, if I had to pick one, I'd have to go with Bologna Man.
Pjalne: Yeah, I guess it's a no-brainer.
RoG:
Pretty much like our entire review of these stupid robots
Pjalne: Yeah, but boy did we show those little budding artists
what's what. Take THAT, little kids.
RoG:
Damn straight. And there's NOTHING more manly than picking on a bunch
o' toddlers.
Pjalne: You got that right. Why do you think I worked in a
kindergarten for two years?
RoG:
I thought your lawyers advised you not to discuss that in public.
Isn't having to register as a sex offender bad enough?
Pjalne: Nah, I just turn that "Sex offender" shirt inside out so
people think I'm just demented instead. No sweat.
RoG:
You should've just tacked on a "Y" so it would read "Sexy Offender"
Pjalne: You know, that's a great idea. I should go do that now
before all the bars close. Got any final comments?
RoG:
Not really. I mean, do you think anybody is still even reading at this
point? We could probably say whatever the hell we wanted and nobody
would know.
Pjalne: Oh yeah, we ran out of pictures long ago, there's no way
anybody's still around. Hey RoG, guess what this is? 8===D
RoG:
A socket wrench?
Pjalne: Only if you call that thing you sit on a socket! Hohoho!
RoG:
I do actually... so what about it?
Pjalne: Oh. Well, then I've got nothing.
RoG:
And with that, our splendid piece comes to an end.
