One of the things I miss most about the 80s is how good the toys back then were. Sure, there were the great classics like Gi-Joe, The Transformers, He-Man, Voltron, etc... but they also made quite a few toys that were pretty damned gross. And this leads me to the topic of discussion today...
My oh my, what the kids of today are missing. Long gone are the days where you could go to your local toy store and purchase something that was completely based on torture. (Well, there's "adult toy stores" like that I'm sure, but I'm talking about the toy stores for kids here, you sick fuck.)
First off, just look at the guy. He's always pulling on his tie and putting his hands in his pockets. As if that's not enough he's so "cah-ray-zay!" that he uses the wrong arms constantly! He holds things on the left side of him with his right arm and he holds things on the right side of him with his left arm! That's just not right! You know what? He's not just a scientist, he's a MAD SCIENTIST! MAD I TELL YOU! MMMMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAD!!!!!!!
So what did this loony guy in the white coat have to offer us kids? He was here to offer us the chance to create a life... and then torture the hell out of it until it's flesh has been completely removed from its body. What more could a kid ask for?
Could a "toy" possibly look any cooler than this? Probably, but still you know this is something that any psycho-demon-boy would want to have in his collection. Look at the kid on the right for crissakes! If he isn't the spawn of Satan I don't know what is! And his friend seems to be completely brainwashed as well.
As you can see, the Mad Scientist himself has completely taken over the minds of these children as he tells them, "MAKE DISGUSTING, GROSS MONSTERS. THEN SIZZLE THE FLESH OFF THEIR BONES!" But parents didn't have anything to worry about right? I mean, this couldn't possibly screw up their kids like, oh I dunno... a computer game like "Doom", right? Afterall, this Monster Lab was clearly marked, "SAFETY TESTED", on the box.
You know, it kind of makes me wonder, what was involved in the process of "Safety Testing" for the Mad Scientist Monster Lab? I can only imagine all of the tests that went bad. I mean, think of all the poor kids involved in the Safety Testing phase that had their own flesh melted off instead of just the monster toys. And although they eventually made it safe enough for human skin to be exposed to, I'm pretty damned sure that you could kill more than just toy monsters in that "flesh remover" solution. So onto the features of the Monster Lab.
Man when you opened that box you just KNEW that you had spent your hard earned lawn-mowing money well. While your mom looking over your shoulder nervously wondering how this toy would soon terrorize the family cat, you couldn't help but drool over it with a maniacal wide-eyed stare.
First there was the Monster Lab itself. Although it would make a pretty good looking fish tank, this thing was obviously better suited as a formaldehyde storage unit. What really made it great was you knew that this piece would be the final resting place of many-a-monster in the very near future.
Next we have one of the most awesome things in the history of mankind:
POWDERED MONSTER FLESH REMOVER!
Not only did the stuff have the best name (comparable too Ren & Stimpy's "Powdered Toast Man"), but the package was great! A whirlpool of bubbling green ooze with monster bones swirling around in it. "Man! This is gonna be great!" you thought to yourself. If you didn't think that, well you should have just stuck with your "Teddy Ruxpin" bear, cuz you sure as hell didn't deserve to own such a masterpiece.
And what would melting the flesh off of the poor monsters be without the "Secret Froth Formula"? This stuff just added to the drama of it all because it would bubble and sizzle when mixed in with the flesh remover! Now with your mixture complete, you needed some monster guinea pigs to torture the hell out of!
First you had a plethora of Monster parts to choose from. All sorts of twisted body parts... horns, fangs, eyeballs, ears, you name it. Then, once you put them all together like a demented Mr. Potato Head, you are ready to bring these monsters to life.
Ah yes, the Monster Flesh Compound and Living Ice. Remember those "globs" in the bubble packs that you could buy at the grocery store for a quarter? They couldn't compare to how cool this stuff felt. This is how you would bring your monsters to life. Just smear it all over the skeleton until your monster is ready.
You've now given them living, breathing... and uh oozing skin. So of course that means it's time for THE TORTURE!
So, grab a pack of "Flesh Remover" and pour it into the vat!
In goes the monster!
Off goes the monster's skin!
And finally, remove the skeletal remains of the monster!
Seriously, could a toy be possibly more ingenious? I think not. Inspiring young children across the world to torture creatures by dipping them in vats of liquid that will melt off their skin! You just KNOW that this Monster Lab was behind some of today's most successful serial killers. Sadly, the people who analyze the minds of these criminals will blame it on abusive parents or drugs. WRONG. These killers were just inspired when they were young lads to grow up to become real-life Mad Scientists!
Future serial killers? You know, it's quite possible.
It's toys like these and many more that made the 80s such a great decade. I guess that's why the catch phrase for this particular toy was simply: "TOO GROSS!". Back then, toy makers were proud that they didn't make educational toys, but instead made things that were simply WRONG. Talk about a renaissance, the 80s were IT when it came to toys!
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