(note: if you haven't read part one yet, make sure you do so!)

KRANG: AHEM!

HUN-DRED: Crap, what do you want?

KRANG: Would you care to explain to me why you decided to put something ridiculous like a bouillon cube inside Optimus Prime instead of me?

HUN-DRED: Because a bouillon cube is much easier on the eyes than your ugly ass?

KRANG: Har har har! You know damned well that I've been searching for a new host ever since my old android body was stolen while I was taking a bath!

HUN-DRED: You bathe? *sniff* Coulda fooled me...

KRANG: Oh you're just full of wisecracks today aren't you. Go ahead and make all the smartass remarks that you want; it still won't change the fact that my intellect is far beyond what your puny artificial intelligence is capable of. Hahaha!

HUN-DRED: Ok Cruel, do your thing...

KRANG: What the!? HEY! Give me back my walker! I can't get around without it!

CRUEL: Come now Krang, surely someone with a superior intellect like yours can figure out another way to move around.

HUN-DRED: AHAHAHAHAHA!!!

KRANG: Listen you suction-cup-based simians, I'll have you both killed if you don't give me my walker back right now!

HUN-DRED: I dunno Cruel, did that sound like a threat to you?

CRUEL: Yep, definitely a threat.

HUN-DRED: And what do we do with those who threaten us?

CRUEL: We rape them until they agree to play an exhilarating game of Hungry Hungry Hippos with us?

HUN-DRED: Yes... er... NO! That only happened once and I was very, very drunk.

CRUEL: Sure whatever helps you sleep at night.

KRANG: Ok, now I'm flaming pissed off!

HUN-DRED: Oh, you're still here?

KRANG: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! AGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HUN-DRED: Why do you always have to bring up that Hungry Hungry Hippos incident anytime I'm about to kill someone?

CRUEL: Because I liked it when we did that and I still hope that one day we'll get to repeat those events.

HUN-DRED: Err... yeah... umm... let's go back to base. I think I your logic circuit is busted, so I'll have to take a look at it.

CRUEL: So that's what you kids are calling it these days? My "logic circuit" eh? Kinky.

AQUAMAN: SONOFABITCH, WAKE UP AND GET OFF OF ME!

OPTIMUS PRIME: Euuuuaaarghhhh...

AQUAMAN: NOW!!!

OPTIMUS PRIME: What... what happened?

AQUAMAN: Well let's see. After I failed to reel in that gorgeous gal, you stepped in and she melted like butter on a hot biscuit. You then both made sweet love for 4 days and nights nonstop. Then she ran off into the sunset to tell all of her girlfriends what a machine you are in the sack and how they all should take you for a "test drive" at least once.

OPTIMUS PRIME: WHOAH!! REALLY!? I AM THE MAN!

AQUAMAN: No, not really, you fucking idiot! None of that happened! You tried out some of your horrible pick-up lines on her and then she knocked your ass out with some wacky looking fist-gun. To make matters worse, you landed on top of me and I was completely helpless to stop her from taking your Matrix!

OPTIMUS PRIME: My what?

AQUAMAN: Your Matrix, you know that crazy energy source thingamajig that you usually keep inside your chest?

OPTIMUS PRIME: Ohhh! You mean my Bouillon Cube of DOOM!

AQUAMAN: WHAT!? NO! Those evil Robo Force robots, Cruel and Hun-Dred, stuck that damned bouillon cube in you while you were unconscious! It's not supposed to be there!

OPTIMUS PRIME: Oh really? Then tell me this, Flipper... why do I feel perfectly fine?

AQUAMAN: You do?

OPTIMUS PRIME: Yes, In fact I can't remember the last time I felt so @#$(*!!

OPTIMUS PRIME: !@#%*@(^*!@#$(*$%*!(*(!@^!@!@%*

AQUAMAN: OH SHIT! OPTIMUS!!!

OPTIMUS PRIME: There is no Optimus... there is only ZUUL!

AQUAMAN: WHAT!?!?!?

OPTIMUS PRIME: Hahahaha, just kidding dude.

AQUAMAN: What the hell was that huge electric surge?

OPTIMUS PRIME: I don't know, but I think I'm ok.

AQUAMAN: Are you sure? You seem to be acting strange.

OPTIMUS PRIME: Of course I'm ok, now what say you and me go watch my favorite movie. I just got it on DVD!

AQUAMAN: Ok, sure, why not. I haven't seen TRON in a long time anyway.

OPTIMUS PRIME: TRON? What are you talking about?

OPTIMUS PRIME: "GRIND" is my favorite movie!

AQUAMAN: No it's not! Just the other day you were telling me about how much you loved TRON and how you thought the light cycles in it were so sexy!

OPTIMUS PRIME: I hate TRON! The only movie I have ever enjoyed is GRIND! You can't possibly find a better flick!

AQUAMAN: You've got to be shitting me. Man, that bouillon cube has made you completely insane. I only needed to see the previews for it to know that GRIND is one of the most useless, uninspired, uncreative, and unfulfilling movies of all time!

OPTIMUS PRIME: OH NO YOU DIDN'T!

AQUAMAN: Goddamnit Optimus! Put me down!

OPTIMUS PRIME: Not until you say you're sorry and you agree to watch GRIND with me!

AQUAMAN: Never!!!!!!!

OPTIMUS PRIME: I can stand here and hold you like this for years, are you really willing to wait it out that long.

AQUAMAN: AAAAARGH! OK FINE! I'M SORRY! WE CAN WATCH THE FUCKING MOVIE! THERE? ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?

OPTIMUS PRIME: Alriiiiight! Now let's pop this movie in and watch some HILARIOUS skater hijinks! LIVE FAST! SKATE HARD! DIE LAUGHING!

AQUAMAN: Somebody kill me...

JAWA: OOTINI!

HARLEY QUINN: Awww, aren't you just the cutest little thing!

JAWA: OOTINI! OOTINI!

HARLEY QUINN: What's that? Oh, you like this big shiny Matrix thing huh? Yeah, I think it's a pretty great fashion accessory if I do say so myself.

JAWA: OOTINI! OOTINI! OOTINI! OOTINI!

HARLEY QUINN: A trade? Hmm, I dunno, you're cute 'n all, but you'd have to come up with something pretty damned good for me to want to trade off this thing.

JAWA: OOTINI!

HARLEY QUINN: Oh yeah? You've got something you think I'll like? Well what are you waiting for, let's see whatcha got!

JAWA: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTINI!

HARLEY QUINN: Holy sweet bastard! A vintage 1944 "Bang!" gag gun! It doesn't even have a scratch on it!

JAWA: OOTINI?

HARLEY QUINN: Do I want it!? Does a piranha make a great pet? You bet your little hooded ass I want it! You've got yourself a deal!

HARLEY QUINN: Pleasure doing business with ya!

JAWA: OOTINI!

OPTIMUS PRIME: DUUUUUUUUDE! THAT IS SOOOO THE BEST MOVIE EVER! YO, LET'S WATCH IT AGAIN!

AQUAMAN: Watch it again!? LIKE HELL I WILL!

OPTIMUS PRIME: Oh come on man! You can't tell me you didn't love it! With lines like, "I represent the release the twins foundation. You gotta release those twins!" He was talking about that girls boobs! Get it!? AHAHAHAH! That movie has the best writing and acting ever!

AQUAMAN: The hell it does!

OPTIMUS PRIME: Remember their motto: GO BIG OR GO HOME!

AQUAMAN: How about GO TO HELL?

OPTIMUS PRIME: SWEET LOU CLEANS NO MAN'S POOP!

AQUAMAN: What!? STOP QUOTING THE GODDAMNED MOVIE! IT'S A PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A STORY! THE PLOT IS STUPID. THE ACTING SUCKS. THE JOKES SUCK. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING REDEEMING ABOUT THAT FILM. I DIDN'T EVEN PAY TO WATCH IT AND YET I CAN'T HELP BUT FEEL THAT I SHOULD GET MY MONEY BACK! THE PRODUCERS OF THAT FILM OWE ME!

OPTIMUS PRIME: WARNING. WARNING. YOU HAVE ACTIVATED THE BOUILLON GRIND DEFENSE MECHANISM. BACK DOWN NOW HU-MAN OR FACE TOTAL ANNIHILATION.

AQUAMAN: OH YOU WANT SOME OF THIS!? BRING IT ON YOU OVERGROWN DISHWASHER, I'M NOT AFRAID OF YOU! HELL, IF I RID THE WORLD OF MORE FANS OF MOVIES LIKE  "GRIND" I'LL BE THE GREATEST SUPERHERO EVER! IN FACT, I THINK I'M GOING TO START BY TAKING YOUR PUNY... AAAAAAGGGGGHHH!

OPTIMUS PRIME: You were saying?

AQUAMAN: Goddamnit, this just isn't my day...

OPTIMUS PRIME: Or lifetime for that matter, squidboy.

JAWA: OOTINI!

OPTIMUS PRIME: Wa-ha-ha-hey there little guy!

JAWA: OOTINI! OOTINI! OOTINI!

OPTIMUS PRIME: What's that you got there?

JAWA: OOTINI! OOTINI!

OPTIMUS PRIME: Saaaaay, that thing looks awfully familiar. What is it, some kind of fancy hood ornament?

AQUAMAN: Uh Hello?? It's the Matrix that was stolen from you! You know, before you went completely insane?

JAWA: OOTINI!

OPTIMUS PRIME: Ignore him, he's just pissed off that he couldn't follow the deep plot of the movie we just watched.

JAWA: OOTINI?

OPTIMUS PRIME: Yeah Grind! You like that flick too?

JAWA: OOTINI! OOTINI! OOTINI! OOTINI!

OPTIMUS PRIME: Ha ha ha! Alright my man!

AQUAMAN: How can you even tell what the hell he's saying? He probably isn't even talking about that stupid movie!

OPTIMUS PRIME: Shut up Aquachump, or I'll stomp yer guts out. This little fella has a business proposal for me and I intend to hear him out!

JAWA: OOTINI! OOTINI! OOTINI!

OPTIMUS PRIME: You don't say!

JAWA: OOTINI! OOTINI?

OPTIMUS PRIME: Would I? You're damned right I would. That's one trade I'm more than happy to make!

JAWA: OOTINI!

OPTIMUS PRIME: Sweeeeet, this has got to be the most awesometastic hood ornament I've ever seen! I can't believe he traded it to me!

AQUAMAN: It's not a friggin' hood ornament! Put it inside your chest and remove the chicken bouillon cube!

OPTIMUS PRIME: Remove the Bouillon Cube of DOOM?? Are you absolutely nuts?

AQUAMAN: Me nuts? ME!? Have you listened to the shit you've been saying today?

OPTIMUS PRIME: It's a hood ornament!

AQUAMAN: You know what? Fine, so be it. It's now a goddamned hood ornament, I don't care anymore.

OPTIMUS PRIME: RIGHT ON!

AQUAMAN: Er, wait a second. What did you trade him for it?

OPTIMUS PRIME: Oh that, heh heh...

AQUAMAN: *sigh* Sold as a Jawa sex slave. This is definitely a new low for me. Well, I suppose I can't complain too much. At least I'm finally getting some action.

-RoG-

NOTE:
Big thanks to Protoclown for lending me his super-badass 20th Anniversary Optimus Prime figure. I know he's been sleeping with it ever since he bought it, so it had to be hard for him to part with it for a few days. For what it's worth, Optimus really isn't that great in the sack... but I'll be damned if this isn't
by far the best Optimus Prime figure ever created!

Copyright © 1999-2007 I-Mockery.com : All Rights Reserved : (E-mail)
No portion of I-Mockery may be reprinted in any form without prior consent
We reserve the right to swallow your soul... and spit out the chewy parts.