by: -RoG-

...CONTINUED

"When I get to the table, that person, I don't care who they are, they're my mortal enemy. I hate them!" Poetry!

Mad Dog Madison: "I'm not so enthused about people comin' up and pattin' me on the back sayin' you're the best. I don't need people to do that to me. If I win, it's because I wanted to be the best one time in my life." Eloquent!

Harry Bosco: "My whole body is an engine. (raises fist) This is a fire plug, and I'm gonna light him up." Right on!

Carl Adams: "I should be able to blow them away real easy. There's a lot more technique involved and you can't beat experience." Word!

Bull Hurley: "I drive truck, break arms and arm wrestle. It's what I love to do and it's what I do best. Being number one is everything. There is no second place. Second sucks." Legendary!

Hawk also shares with us how becoming the champion really doesn't matter to him. All that matters is the truck. He needs that truck. After all, it does have that hawk design on it. As the semi-finals begin, all of the matches end quickly... except for one:

Lincoln Hawk vs. John Grizzly!

If you thought Hawk's ultra-serious stare was a good psyche-out, then get a load o' John Grizzly's strategy! He eats a cigar right in front of Hawk's face. Let me repeat that. HE EATS A CIGAR RIGHT IN FRONT OF HAWK'S FACE! It's a damned good thing his pants were off camera during this shot, because I'm sure Hawk was shitting himself at that very moment.

Their match goes on for a while, but Grizzly gets him over the top! It's all shown in slow-motion and even the gritty sounds of Hawk's agony are slowed down as his teeth damn near pop out of his face. He's just suffered his first loss to a hairy madman who apparently eats both cigars and arm wrestlers for breakfast. Shake it off Hawk, you're not out of the competition just yet, it's double-elimination!

Cutler has now arrived at the hotel where the championships are taking place and asks Hawk to come up to his suite. At first, the two of them argue about the past, Hawk saying Cutler was tearing him and his wife apart, and Cutler saying Hawk deserted them. Cutler then offers Hawk $500,000 and a brand new truck if he'll just walk away and never see Michael again. Notice that the truck says "Cutler National Trucking" too? I guess that's how this Cutler guy made all his money, because he runs a trucking company? Is there anybody in this movie who doesn't have serious ties to trucking?

As you would expect, Hawk turns down his offer and then says he's coming to get Michael when the competition is over. I guess he's planning on using that shiny new truck to crash his way back into the Cutler mansion to try reuniting with his boy again? The mind of a trucker is a complicated thing, folks.

When Hawk tries to leave, Cutler's main security guard shoves him and says, "Mr. Cutler is talking to you." Hawk doesn't take kindly to this kind of treatment, so he busts the guy in the gut and shoves him right through the door. When Hawk is done talking, his fists are more than ready to put the final punctuation on the point he's been trying to make.

He heads back down to the competition and it's time to have his second match with John Grizzly:

"I'm goin' through you like gas through a funnel!" shouts John Grizzly as he opens up a can of Valvoline oil and pours it down his throat. Sweet fucking christ! John Grizzly is officially the MASTER of the psyche-out! I don't care how tough you think you are, there's no way in hell you're even remotely as intimidating as John Grizzly. This guy is everything a rugged man should aspire to be in life.

As awesome as your psyche-out was, Mr. Grizzly, I'm sorry to report that you're now going up against a man who has a newfound inspiration. Hawk's been pushed to the edge and now he's fueled by a rage so powerful that it could drive a big rig up the Eiffel Tower if it needed to. Grizzly quickly realizes this as Hawk yells with all of his might and he soon wins the match. We don't think any less of you John Grizzly, and I'm sure you've got a great life ahead of you... chasing some game up a tree off in the mountains somewhere or something like that. God bless you, sir.

Next in line for Hawk is Mad Dog Madison, and while he shakes his head and howls like a, like a... well, like a mad dog, it's not enough to win the match for him. More importantly, look at just how shiny these guys are. We should feel privileged, no... scratch that... we should feel honored to watch the spectacle of these greased up burly men shining in the lights as they arm wrestle for glory... and a truck.

In another blatant advertisement for Alka-Seltzer, we see John Grizzly chugging down a glass. So that stuff can calm your stomach even if it has oil and cigars floating around in it? Damn, that's some powerful medicine! Meanwhile, Hawk has a match with Harry Bosco and beats him the instant the match starts. Bosco bitches up a storm, but he and his "fire plug" are now officially out of the competition. This means Hawk has now gone against the odds and made it all the way to the finals.

Elsewhere, Bull Hurley and Carl Adams are in a heated match to see who will make it to the finals to face Hawk. Carl struggles with all of his Canadian might, but he just can't beat the big bad barbarian beast that is Bull. So it's down to Bull and Hawk to see who will become the new arm wrestling champion.

Hawk is feeling a bit down on himself though because Bull scares him and he's not sure if he can beat the guy. But wouldn't you know it, his son Mike finds him not only tells Hawk that he wants to stay with him from now on, but he gives him just the pep talk he needed: "I don't believe this. All that talk about never giving up was all lies. You never believed it yourself and what you said to me, remember? Now is the time to do it for yourself. The world meets nobody halfway. If you want it, you gotta take it! You weren't talkin' about me, you were talkin' about yourself weren't you? Now is your chance dad, don't you see? I don't care about what happened before, so you can stop trying to prove yourself to me. It doesn't matter if you win or lose, dad. I don't care about that! All I care about is being with you dad. I love you!"

That touching speech from his son has him recharged and ready for his David & Goliath match against the world champion, Bull Hurley. But big Bull has some thoughts of his own on his championship match against Hawk:

"He doesn't even belong on MY arm wrestling table. That's my area, that's my game and he's got no shittin' business there."

Then they show some interview footage of Lincoln Hawk and he explains the thought process behind turning his hat around before every arm wrestling match:

"What I do is I just try to take my hat and I turn it around, and it's like a switch goes on. And when the switch goes on, I feel like another person, I feel, I dunno, I feel like a... like a truck. Like a machine."

Bull Hurley's big eyes bulge out and his mighty moustache chops quiver with anticipation of finally getting to wrestle Hawk. While he's not planning on chugging down oil like John Grizzly, Bull still has some impeccable lines that he uses to psyche-out Hawk with such as:

"I OWN YOU! YOU BEEN DUCKIN' ME FOR YEARS! YOU GOT NO CHANCE, YOU KNOW THAT? YOU KNOW THAT!?"

"YOU GOT NO POWER!"

"BACK OFF OR I'M GONNA GIVE YOU A WORLD OF HURTIN', LITTLE MAN!"

"I'M RIPPIN' YOUR SHITTIN' ARM OFF, BOY!"

Their match begins and Bull appears to be winning at first, but when Hawk starts to make a comeback, their hands come undone and Bull starts screaming that Hawk let go even though the judges say he didn't. To stop this from happening again, they bring out "the strap". Don't worry, it's nothing like bringing out "the gimp", it's just a leather strap to keep their hands locked together.

"Chicken shit... can't get away from me now!" Bull taunts him and then he punches Hawk right in the nose and laughs about it. "Get in here! Come on!" With his nose bloodied and his son crying out for him to win, Hawk goes up against big bad Bull one last time, winner takes all!

Every time Hawk seems to be mounting an attack that might be enough to stop him, Bull makes a huge move that would probably toss a man right off the table if this was a real life match instead of a movie. Even during their match, Bull continues his verbal taunts as he shouts to the crowd, "He's goin' down! He's goin' down! I'm gonna break his shittin' arm!" If there's a better way to emphasize your anger towards something than preceding it with the word "shittin'", I'd love to hear it, because Bull makes "shittin'" sound like Mark Twain. It's a back and forth struggle of epic proportions until it happens. And you know exactly what it I'm talking about...

OVER THE TOP!

When he sinks in the over the top move, Bull lets out a wail of agony so loud that I swear it's still gotta be floating around in the ether somewhere even after all these years. As the blood trickles down Hawk's nose, he gives all he's got for one last big push against Bull Hurley, and with his last ounce of strength, he pins the big man's arm and wins the championship. More importantly, he's won both the truck and his son.

Now this is the only time I saw Bull Hurley lose in the movie and since this was a double-elimination competition, shouldn't he have one more chance? Either the double-elimination thing doesn't count in the final match or the writers simply forgot about that little detail. I'm guessing the latter is more likely the case. And hey, I didn't see John Grizzly lose twice either, damnit. Give Grizzly another chance if for no other reason than to see what he does to psyche-out his opponents next! I'd bet money that he'd swallow a bison whole just to make his next opponent cower in terror! Let the man arm wrestle again!

Well anyway, the crowd roars for Lincoln Hawk, the new world champion, as he hoists up his son in victory. And at that moment, "In This Country" starts playing once again. Why? Because dreams come true in this country, in this america of ours. Now get out there... get out there on the open road with your big rig and work that arm until it's ready to win it big in Vegas. You can do it. I believe in you. Now it's time to do it for yourself... and you can do it. Because I'm tellin' you, the world meets nobody halfway. Get out there and try. Try because you're a winner, and winners drive their big rigs with pride.

On a final note, most people don't know this, but Rick "Bull Hurley" Zumwalt did get to make one more arm wrestling film:

Unfortunately for him, I don't think "Over The Topless" would really qualify as an official sequel.

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Email -RoG-