by: -RoG-

...CONTINUED

While running away from the ghosts, Pac-Man keeps looking behind him and trips over a rock, landing face first in the snow. This time, when the ghosts catch up to him, there is now commercial break and they finally get to chomp down on Pac-Man.

Now what I've always wondered is what actually happens to Pac-Man when the ghosts chomp him? Is there some kind of ectoplasmic poison that seeps into Pac-Man's skin when they chomp him? I always noticed that after being chomped, in addition to being exhausted, Pac-Man has a deflated look about him. Maybe that's what's really going on when he gets chomped - Pac-Man is filled with air, but when the ghosts chomp on him, that air escapes and he's left as a weak, deflated vessel of his former self. Either way, whenever this happened, it always felt like an R-rated moment for the cartoon... like something we kids should not be seeing. Maybe it's because we were always convinced that the monsters under our beds could never truly "get" us, but seeing these ghost monsters get Pac-Man was both unnerving and exciting.

I also never really understood what the ghosts actually got out of chomping him. The most likely reason is that they're just a bunch of bullies who enjoy the hunt. I mean, these are just specters we're talking about here... nothing more than floating eyeballs with an extensive wardrobe of colorful sheets to wear. What other reason could they have for chomping Pac-Man other than getting a twisted bully-like pleasure from it?

You know what? I'm thinking about this waaaay too hard, so let's just continue onward with the story and pretend that didn't happen. Deal? Ok good.

Now that the ghosts have left, Chomp-Chomp returns with Santa's toys to find Pac-Man chomped and weak. Despite his current weakened state, Pac-Man starts dragging Santa's sack back towards home. Meanwhile, repairs are being made to Santa's sleigh compliments of Morris (the local policeman) and Santa Claus give Baby-Pac a personal retelling of "Twas the Night Before Christmas" - complete with a Pac-Mouse, not stirring. Sour Puss also gets into the holiday spirit in his own special way by hanging a stocking for himself and Chomp-Chomp above the fireplace. Clearly, Sour Puss is all about the presents as his stocking is larger than the fireplace itself.

Mrs. Pac-Man is still tending to the reindeer to nurse them back to health. Rudolph's nose is still flickering, but she's managed to bring down his temperature. My question is this: How can these reindeer be sick with a cold / flu of any kind? These are the same reindeer that fly in the sky in the dead of winter at night. The air up there must be ridiculously cold, yet they're trying to tell us that a quick crash in the snow has suddenly given ALL of Santa's reindeer a little flu bug? I call shenanigans.

Pac-Man and Chomp-Chomp aren't having the best of luck at the moment, as they just fell over a cliff, and when they crashed into the snow, all of Santa's toys spilled out of his sack. With the time drawing closer to midnight, the two of them rush to pick up all the toys.

Back at home, the reindeer are healthy again and Santa's sled is ready to go. We know this because they make an awful joke about it coming with "a 50,000 chomp warranty." Get it? Chomp instead of mile? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Sorry, I just love a good Pac-joke, and man oh man, that one was a doozy if I've ever heard one! My sides are killing me! Wait, wait! I meant to say, my sides are CHOMPING me! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Ok, no more chomp jokes. If I laugh any harder, I'm going to pass out before I finish writing this article. So anyway, Santa Claus and the rest o' the gang are growing worried about Pac-Man because he's been gone so long. They look up at the clock and notice just how late it is. Just then, there's a knock on the door and it turns out to be a half-frozen Pac-Man.

I have to pull away from the story for a second here, because I cannot ignore that clock. Earlier in the cartoon we see a close-up of that same clock on the mantle and both the hour and minute hands have Pac-faces on them. So what happened to them? Why did they become normal non-Pac hands later in the show? Damnit! When the artists of an eighties cartoon based on a video game can't handle simple continuities, who then can I turn to in my darkest hour? WHO THEN!?!?!?!?

Oh alright, back to the story...

At first, everybody is all excited because Chomp-Chomp drags in Santa's sack o' toys and Pepper is nursing Pac-Man back to health with a warm cup o' power pellet cocoa. Then Santa breaks the bad news to them that it's now too late in the evening and breaks into tears alongside Baby-Pac, "This is the first Christmas I've missed in all of history! Even if my reindeer were jet propelled, I couldn't make it on time."

And upon hearing that, Pac-Man gets a bright idea and tells Santa to load up his sleigh and follow him. We then cut to the Pac-family riding in what appears to be their own version of the modern day Smart Car. Not particularly roomy, but they've certainly stuffed enough people into it. Unfortunately for them, the ghost monsters are now blocking their path, so Pac-Man gets out to talk with them. Yo Pac... YOU'RE IN A CAR! MOW THEM DOWN FOR CHRISSAKES!

But he doesn't mow them down. Pac-Man pleads his case to Clyde about how they need to help save Christmas so Santa can deliver toys to all the good children of the world. In classic Christmas TV special style, all of the ghosts break down into tears upon hearing this and beg their leader to let Pac-Man pass. He reluctantly agrees to let them pass "just this one time" in the spirit of Christmas.

You know what always pissed me off about all this? Santa was right there the entire time! When those ghosts walked up to Pac-Man and threatened to chomp him and his family, Santa could've walked up and squashed those ghosts in a heartbeat. He's like three times their size! But no, the entire episode he's just sat back on his ass and enjoyed the hospitality of the citizens of Pac-Land... not doing a thing to help get out of his current predicament.

Well, I guess Santa is lucky because Pac-Man has given him and his reindeer exclusive access to Power Pellet Forest. Even when they arrive there, Santa continues with his downtrodden blabber, "It's just no use. I might as well face it... I've missed my first Christmas." Despite Santa's whining, Pac-Man unveils his bright idea to let the reindeer eat the power pellets so they could fly fast than they ever have before in order to save Christmas. As soon as they chomp on the power pellets, the reindeer begin to glow bright as can be, and Santa finally stops acting all emo for a change.

In an instant, Santa rides off into the night sky while thanking Pac-Man and company. When they arrive back at home, they discover that Christmas was indeed saved because, not only did Santa deliver a boatload of presents to them, but he also gave them a tree! Of course, they don't address this, nor do they address the fact that the stockings are now missing from the fireplace, but who really cares at this point in the story. So, Pac-Man starts handing out presents to everybody.

Just outside of his home, the ghost monsters are peeking in through Pac-Man's window and Clyde announces that he's decided to chomp them after all. They barge in through the front door and instead of being greeted with hostility, the ghost monsters are each given presents from Santa Claus for letting them pass earlier on. They even do a new play on their stuttering "P-P-P-P-P-Pac Power!" phrase by saying "T-T-T-T-T-Thank You!" It's not quite the embarrassing change of heart that Skeletor had in the He-Man & She-Ra Christmas Special, but you still never want to see your favorite villains get filled with the spirit of Christmas. We also never see what their presents actually are, but I'm guessing for the ghosts, it's just yet another change of wardrobe. Hey, might as well give 'em something they'll use, right?

And so, our Pac-Man Christmas special ends with Santa Claus riding past the moonlight as he shouts, "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good chomp!" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Santa... you kill me.

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Email -RoG-