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G.I. Joe: The Lost Public Service Announcements
by: -RoG-

If you ever watched the G.I. Joe cartoons when they were on TV, you probably remember that after each episode, there was a lesson to be learned. Perhaps it was their way of easing the minds of concerned parents that thought the show might be somehow inspiring their children to take over the world or become deadly assassins. 

Typical G.I. Joe Public Service Announcement
"Ha Ha! Now run along kids, and remember, people don't like it when you
set their homes on fire. Now you know... and knowing is half the battle!"

No matter what the kids had done, rather than beating the hell out of them like any decent human being would do, the Joes always just calmly explained to them how dangerous their antics would be. And by the end of the public service announcement, everything would be OK, because now the kids knew better. "...and knowing is half the battle!"

At last, the movie in all its glory is out on DVD with all the
Public Service Announcements that they ever aired!

For those of you that don't know about it, you can now get the G.I. Joe movie on DVD. And on that DVD is an added bonus: EVERY SINGLE PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT THEY EVER AIRED! Hell, I'd buy the DVD if that's ALL it had, but it's also got the movie. Speaking of which, is it me, or is the best thing about that movie the opening sequence where they're battling on the Statue of Liberty with that great song, "Crashing through the sky, comes a fearful cry... COBRA. (Cobraaaaaaaaaaaaa!) COBRA. (Cobraaaaaaaaaaaaa!)..." ? I know I can't be alone in thinking this, but that's to be discussed another time.

Anyway, I recently found out that there were a lot of Public Service Announcements that were never aired. I really don't understand why, because, I've seen every one of them and they all make perfect sense to me. I guess some of the censors didn't approve of them? Who knows. So for the first time ever, I am unveiling these Lost G.I. Joe Public Service Announcements to you. I'm sure you'll learn a lesson or two:

"Hey Kids, remember, only wimps use oven mitts, so don't use 'em!"

"If you try really hard, you can peel off your face to reveal a brand new one!"

"Middle-aged, fat, balding men should be bound and gagged."

"Contrary to popular belief, there are several
designated spots for tanks in every parking lot."

"Major corporations now hire ninjas to monitor employees.
If an employee is caught 'slacking off', he will pay for it with his life."

"Sorry kids, no matter how long you wait for him, Santa won't be coming.
He's not real. And even if he was, he'd skip your house come Christmas time."

"Not only do dogs enjoy sniffing the asses of other dogs,
but they will sniff the ass of a horse if given the opportunity."

"God occasionally relieves himself by taking huge dumps onto mountains.
Then his giant dung will roll down the mountain and destroy the town below.
So kids, if you live in a town that is below a mountain, RUN AWAY FAST!"

"If you don't finish your homework before you go fishing,
a Cobra agent will emerge from the water and strangle you to death."

"Twins are required by law to drink their own urine."

"All vegetarians will eventually be fed to carnivorous plants."

"It is not proper etiquette to attack someone's crotch
with your face without asking their permission first."

"Children can be sold for quite a profit on the black market."

"Sailors do not control their parrots. Their parrots control them... and you're next."

"Kids, you might want to rethink those dreams about becoming an astronaut.
All astronauts become possessed by alien life forms and are forced into slavery."

"Shooting lasers at a woman's ass is sexual harassment."

"Before reaching adulthood, you will be forced to crush glass in your bare hands."

"Crocodiles are just like any other friendly animals found in petting zoos."

"Bad people are used for substitute hamburger meat. So you kids better behave!"

"All of your toys contain deadly poisonous gasses that will be unleashed upon you."

So there you have it. I hope you've all learned some valuable lessons today. I can't believe that the censors would stop these things from being aired on TV. Think of how many kids out there didn't get to learn these valuable lessons all because some snooty censor didn't think it was worth airing!

Well, while you digest these new lessons you've learned, I suggest buying the Special Edition G.I. Joe movie on dvd. In the meantime, I'll work on finding some more of these Lost Public Service Announcements. Believe me, there's a WHOLE BUNCH of them out there.

So now you know... and knowing is half the battle!


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