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Scarecrow Gone Wild!
by: Dr. Boogie

The task of finding the right movie to feature here on I-Mockery is a tricky one, to say the least. Sure, there is no shortage of bad horror movies out there, but there are many different levels of "bad": most of the horror movies out there are "bad" in the sense that they are poorly-written, not scary, and so boring that calling them "straight-to-DVD" is as close as you can get to paying them a compliment. The "bad" we look for is a step below this.

In this realm, you've got your movies like Ax'em, Street Zombies, and in RoG's opinion, Hostel. It can be tricky, but there are certain criteria you can use to help make the decision easier. For instance, when looking at movies, ask yourself this: does this movie have bad special effects? Are the players all a bunch of unknowns? Does it star a professional wrestler? If you answered "yes" to all three, then you're going to have a movie just like our featured film today, Scarecrow Gone Wild.

Just looking at the title, you can tell this movie is going to be a piece of crap, so you'd think sales of the DVD would be nil. However, the inclusion of the phrase "Gone Wild" means that there could be boobs somewhere within and that alone will secure you a chunk of the lowest common denominator. Also, the art department had enough foresight to put very little lighting on the title character so as to disguise his incredibly cheesy outfit, so that should help hide the negligible special effects budget from the audience until it's too late. By doing this, and by hiring the cheapest bunch of goons you can find to be your actors, you should be able to make just enough money to cover the cost of your celebrity cameo.

But enough about the economics of this tripe. Let's enjoy the actual movie:


An unseen young man asks if you've heard the "scarecrow legend," and then the opening credits roll while the camera pans around a cornfield. Immediately after the title is the name of our special "celebrity" guest: Ken Shamrock.

For those of you that are asking, "who?" right about now, Ken Shamrock is a former champion of the Ultimate Fighting Championship. He's also a professional wrestler, which means he's almost qualified to be an actor. More on him later. After a long period of credit-rolling during which nothing happens, we finally get to see something more than swaying corn stalks.

Good thing the cameraman is clearing a path for her.

A young woman is fleeing through the cornfield from the Scarecrow. It's not a smart thing to do when all you're wearing is a low-cut blouse and shorts. Having been a corn detassler myself, I can tell you that corn leaves are like razor blades, and what's worse, getting cut by one means the wound will smell like corn for days, and you don't want to know what happens when corn juice gets into your bloodstream. Luckily, there seems to be a lot of well-defined paths through this particular cornfield, and after a bit of running, screaming, and an almost obligatory falling down, she bursts into a clearing.

Oh save me Jebus!

A cross! Maybe Jesus can help her! Ah, but no. Jesus only helps those who help themselves. Instead, she gets the scarecrow treatment.

"Cutting edge" special effects!

He slices the air in front of her with an old sickle, and she falls to the ground gasping for air and rubbing red paint on her throat. What a shame. Not her death; I meant the scarecrow's mask. Very shameful indeed.

Anyway, that's the legend of the scarecrow: a scarecrow comes to life and kills some girl. I wish I could say the movie ended there as well, but no.

Don't drop the soap.

Said legend was actually being told by Mike, co-captain of the baseball team and the film's lead jock/hothead. He and his buddies are hazing a trio of gagged young men in a scene that is not at all homoerotic, especially not with exchanges like this:

Do you like gladiator movies?

The hazing is about describing to the "new meat" the glories of the varsity letter jacket, chief among them being that it is a "guaranteed pussy magnet," though with scenes like this, I can't imagine that such a jacket is very useful to Mike. Anyway, before they can dispense with the gagged shower pep talk and move onto shoving household into the new guys, their coach busts in and ruins their fun.

Who wants an ankle lock?

Yes, despite only being a secondary character, and despite showing off acting skills that make The Rock look like Sir Anthony Hopkins, Ken Shamrock has top billing in this movie. He calls Mike and Jack, the male lead and responsible guy character, into his office to scold them for hazing the others. He seems really angry about it, but that could just be Shamrock's acting getting in the way. Either way, he makes Jack promise that there will be no hazing, and when Jack gives him his word, Coach tells him, "you break your word, you invite the devil." Wary of accidentally inviting the devil to anything, Jack tells Mike and the rest of the team the bad news. Mike and others, however, have not promised to leave the devil out of their plans, and so the hazing plan remains on track, to be moved to a Coach-less location. All that remains is to collect the last of the new guys: Jack's roommate, Sam.

With friends like these...

Sam is in the men's room preparing to administer a shot of insulin because, like Wilford Brimley, Sam has the diabetes. Now, I don't know anyone who has diabetes, and so initially, I heard Jack make a remark about drugs and thought Sam was injecting himself with steroids. Why inject yourself in the stomach with steroids, I wondered. I guess he wanted killer abs. But that wasn't the case, and to assume so was just plain silly of me. Getting back to the scene, Sam and Jack are close, and to emphasize this point, Jack takes the needle from Sam and does the injecting for him. It's very touching. There's probably a line somewhere in there about Jack giving Sam "just a little prick," but I know that my readers demand more than a few bawdy remarks. Jack asks him about going with the guys, but Sam balks at the idea, citing Mike's sadism as a big part of his decision. On the other hand, Jack reminds him that "Beth is going to be there."

Cheap horror movie floozies? Check.

That's her on the left. The other three grinning hobags are, from left to right, Lynn, Sara, and Patty. They're all giggling about boys, and having sex, and all that rot when Ed, one of the unnamed hazers from the shower scene, comes over to say howdy to his girl Sara. Lynn starts pouting because it turns out she and Ed had an affair, and everyone besides Sara knew about it, but nobody said anything to Sara because that's what friends are for. The tense atmosphere is broken when Lynn accuses Patty of fellating Mike, which she doesn't deny. Cut to Mike and Jim (aka, the black guy) chatting whilst making the newbies do pushups, and we hear phrases like "chili three-way," "bank marks on your palm," and "drop a dime." At least two have to do with sex, but I can't be sure about "dropping a dime" on someone. For clarification, I should point out that you cannot kill someone with a dime by tossing it off the Empire State Building onto their head. It doesn't work that way.

While we're introducing characters, here's two more:

Do you feel a draft?

Beth gets a call from her former brother-in-law Ray. He's a doctor, and that lady behind him is Sandy, the nurse he had an affair with while married to Beth's sister (who is not in the movie). Also, there's Sandy's bewbs. They're just hanging out there. Why, you ask? At first glance, it seems like they're there to tantalize the horny viewer, but they're actually a clever way of distracting the audience so that they miss Ray saying that he promised he'd look out for her while she's away from home. I assume that he promised her parents that, but why would they trust him when he cheated on their daughter? Well my friends, that's what Sandy's boobs are for. Anyway, Ray invites Beth to dinner with him and Sandy, but for some reason, she turns him down.

Getting back to the case of Jack and Sam, with Sam's insulin administered, he and Jack head to the parking lot where hopefully, Sam will ignores his diabetes in order to get some sugar.

Maybe later I can give YOU a shot in the stomach.

Ouch. Sam pusses out and Jack winds up hitting it off with Beth. She's not at all put off by Jack's age, or that he looks like Steve Guttenberg in profile. Poor Sam. What's worse, Mike finds him and corrals him into his SUV with the rest of the new guys. And so, Jack leaves with the girl, and Sam leaves packed in the trunk with a bunch of other dudes. Mike sums it up succinctly: "Damn, dawg, you just got cock-blocked!"

And so, they're off.

Hey, that's not the proper way to dispose of the container!
Go west, young man!

Just engaging in a little pre-sex jogging, coach.

Meanwhile, Jack is running with Beth as she trains for the 10k, and they're both enjoying each other's company, even when she asks if Jack and Sam are gay. They might not be, but let me just say this: Sam is probably the bottom. I'm not saying it's wrong or anything like that, but if this was prison, Jack would be the bull, and Sam would be the guy holding onto Jack's belt loop. But they're not gay, so it doesn't matter. What does matter is that Coach Shamrock spots the departing SUV and drills Jack for information... I mean, he questions Jack for information. Jack assures him that the devil has not been invited, and resumes his jog with Beth to the gazebo, if you know what I mean.

You had ham and cheese for lunch, didn't you?

Aw, that's so sweet. You almost forget that they've only known each other for about three minutes.

The aftermath of the wet T-shirt competition.

Sam's life, on the other hand, is still pretty crappy. He and the rest of the new meat are stripped down to their skivvies forced into the cornfield amid girlish laughter and a shower of beer. To make matters worse, he's starting to lapse into hypoglycemia, and in his angry and confused state, he takes a swing at Mike, but winds up flattening Patty instead. Well that tears it. Mike orders his men to tie Sam to the scarecrow, quipping, "you do not hit my girlfriend like that!" "Like that"? Apparently, there is a correct way to hit Mike's girlfriend. Jim and Ed lash Sam's arms to the Scarecrow's while Sam shrieks curses at them in a very effeminate voice. And then there's this:

NOW how do you feel about joining the baseball team?

Now, giving Mike the benefit of the doubt, he's just trying to psyche Sam out, but going about it the wrong way. Let's just check back in with Jack, shall we?

Sorry, I don't have real drapes.

Like Sam, Jack is down to his underwear, and also like Sam, his situation is quickly becoming sexual in nature. He and Beth are hitting it off even better than before, and when what can only be described as soft core porn music starts to play, the camera slowly pans upward, and we go right back to Sam.

Good times for all.

The guys continue to drench Sam with beer (and hopefully that's all) for hours apparently, and even though Sam's blow didn't leave a mark on Patty, they decide to leave him behind. Then, we go back to Jack and see that he's still having sex with Beth, and then back to Sam's plight again, and this time it's nightfall.

So what are you guys doing tonight?

The guys are somewhat worried about leaving the beer-soaked Sam out overnight, but when they call Jack to go pick him up, they're unable to reach him. They're unable to reach him because he is STILL having sex with Beth, as we see. They settle for the next best thing, namely sending the newbies out to get Sam down. All they have to do is get Sam down and rejoin the others at the beach. Farmland is usually within walking distance of a beach, right? Anyway, it's a simple plan. What could possibly go wrong?


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