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Scarecrow Gone Wild!
by: Dr. Boogie

...CONTINUED

Uh, guys? We're still shooting a movie here.

How about scary negatives and a killer scarecrow? Cheesy effects aside, it's kind of implied that Sam and the scarecrow have become linked somehow, and the scarecrow teleports to a spot at the bottom of the mountain of hay and stalks off, itching to swing his sickle around a little. Meanwhile, Jack awakens from his slumber (you'd need a nap, too, after 5-6 hours of sex) with a start, as though something is wrong. No, wait, nevermind. He rolls over, swaps a few coy remarks with Beth, and then they start having sex. Again. Getting back to the movie...

We are gonna make it out of this, guys!

Oh wait, I haven't introduced you to any of the new recruits yet. From the left, you have Fodder, Dead Meat, and Corpse-in-Training. Yeah, they're gonna die, but come on, you knew that. Hell, they're like the red shirts in the original Star Trek. Furthermore, the one on the right lets out a quick fart in order to make his death far less tragic.

Give us a hug!

The remaining two make it to Sam and wonder if they should call for help, on account of him not moving and all. Who do they call? Coach, of course. He doesn't pick up his phone either, so I can only postulate that he, like Jack, is preoccupied with a sex marathon of his own. They at least have the presence of mind to get Sam down, but that proves their downfall.

Hey, do you smell a crappy mask?

The scarecrow creeps up behind Fodder and stabs him repeatedly with his sickle, accompanied by a sound not unlike a shovel being thrust into loose soil. Dead Meat screams and runs, as is the norm, and after a bit of running, he trips over Corpse-in-Training.

Could you help me put this back in?

He's clutching at some kind of tumor that appears to have been knocked loose by the scarecrow. Suffice to say, Dead Meat is too scared to do anything except back into the scarecrow, and then look up and scream as the scarecrow kills him. Oh, you bit players and your crazy antics.

Mike... he finally stopped having sex long enough to check his messages and hear that his friend has been left for dead in a cornfield. Man, so much for enjoying the afterglow, eh Mike?

How's it hanging?

When they get to Sam they discover that he's gone into insulin shock. And also that there is now a huge spotlight shining on that very spot. Luckily, there are some powdered donuts laying nearby to tide Sam over while Beth gets ahold of her adulterous former doctor-in-law.

Honey, please, put a shirt on.

Yet again, Sandy's boobs are put out for all the world to see. No real reason, she just likes to slip in only bottoms, I guess. They don't even start out exposed; she actually starts shifting around until they're completely out from under the covers. Anyway, Beth explains the situation to Ray, and he agrees to meet them at the hospital. He tells Sandy the news, and she says that she'll get dressed, but you never know with her.

I see nothing. NOTHING!

In what is best described as visual irony, the scene changes from an unnaturally well-lit cornfield to a hospital parking lot with no lighting whatsoever. Maybe the paramedics have nightvision goggles, or something. Whatever the case, they bring Sam inside:

Hospitals are all just one long hallway.

... Yeah, a hospital. Now, I realize that you can't really shoot in a hospital on account of them being open for business 24 hours a day, but let me ask you this: if you were involved in a movie with a scene that called for a hospital set, wouldn't you at least LOOK at an actual hospital to see what one looked like on the inside before you started putting one together in one of the few places you could afford to film? Furthermore, wouldn't you spend a few extra dollars to hire some extras so that it doesn't look like the entire hospital is being run by a single doctor and nurse? For the set designers of Scarecrow Gone Wild, the answer is a resounding "NO!" Still, I want you to suspend your disbelief for a moment because after Ray and Sandy take Sam into what I will generously call the "OR," Jack and Beth engage in the kind of dialog you would expect from two people who, after many, many hours of sex, are mentally and physically exhausted. I have transcribed their conversation for your amusement:

Jack: I never shoulda left him! I shouldn't have been...
Beth: Been with me?
Jack: I never meant to but I screwed you anyway.
Beth: That's what we were doing? Screwing!?
Jack: No, I screwed my friend.
Beth: No, you got it right the first time. You screwed me, twice earlier, and again just now, but this time you didn't bother to kiss me.

Bravo, Jack and Beth, bravo. You put Abbott and Costello to shame.

So ends their busy night. Beth storms off, and Jack tries to pensive.

Must be a private beach.

The next day, it's business as usual for the rest of the guys and gals on the beach. The guys set up a volleyball net while the gals put their towels down and bask. Upon setting her towel down, Lynn removes her top. Why? It's another clever distraction, you see. The guys wonder briefly why none of the new guys have called to ask about how to get to the beach from wherever they were, but as soon as Mike calls attention to Lynn's tater tots, that concern goes out the window. The focus then shifts to Mike screwing around with Patty. Ah, good times. Lynn's attention is drawn to a curious whistling coming from some nearby rocks. She slips her top back on to go investigate, but it turns out to just be Ed sneaking up to score a cheap scare on the audience.

When did you put your top back on?

He just want to make sure that Lynn won't reveal their secret, and that she knows she doesn't mean a thing to him. Classy. At the same time, Jim swipes Phil's (aka guitar guy) songbook and plays one-man keep away. Lynn puts an end to his fun, and Jim posits that she must be "on the rag." He goes on to say that he "might get a chance to earn his red wings." Excuse me for a moment...

AHAHAHAHAHAAA! Oh, god, that is hilarious! Oh, tasting menstrual blood, that is just too funny! Jim, you are a regular cut-up!

ACTING!

Back at the pseudo-hospital, Jack and Beth make up after the poorly-worded fight they had last night. Sam is ok, if you consider being in a coma to be "ok". I wish I had been in a coma too, because Jack decides to regale Beth with the story of how Sam saved his life when he was so high he nearly jumped off a bridge into oncoming traffic. As he's telling the very emotional tale, and as he laments not being around to save Sam, you really have a chance to see what a completely talentless and god-awful actor Jack really is. He vows to go give Mike a piece of his mind, and Beth tags along for the hell of it.

MORE ACTING!!

Next, you get two semi-humorous moments in line with Jack's comically bad monologue. First, Coach returns to his office to listen to the message from the dead guys, and even though his only response to the message is "dammit!" Ken Shamrock demonstrates that he is a much better actor than Jack.

The net isn't taught enough.

For the second moment, we go back to the beach for a volleyball game. Since the actors aren't mic'ed, it would have been a very quiet scene, but post production sprang to the rescue and added in the sound of the volleyball being hit. Too bad they weren't able to get the sound to synch up with hardly any of the actual hits.

Anyway, Mike's serve goes way out of bounds, and when Lynn goes for the ball, she hears that same whistling coming from those same rocks. The scarecrow? No, it's just Jim creeping up on her this time. He surprises her and, with all the wit and charm of Tony Montana, he tries to woo her. No dice

The game continues, only this time there's music: a song by a band doing a terrible, terrible impression of Smashmouth. Thanks, guys, I really needed to watch the whole freaking game with a crappy soundtrack. Oh, but I was wrong. The game did serve a purpose. In typical hothead fashion, Mike loses his temper when his team loses the game and lashes out at everyone. During his tirade, he reveals to Sara that Ed had an affair with Lynn. Sara's a bit upset, hell everyone's a bit upset, and so they all scatter, with Ed going after Sara.

Let's go rockclimbing!

Somehow, the two of them wind up walking in the opposite direction that they were walking before, and Sara's tantrum takes them up onto the rocks. Ed gives her a lame apology, taking a page from the Mel Gibson/Mark Foley handbook and blaming his indiscretion on booze. Suddenly, they hear the whistling, but assume that it's just the guys being assholes. Ed goes off to get rid of them, and thank god for that. The movie's almost halfway over, and it's about time we started whittling down the list of unlikable characters.

After almost five seconds of waiting, Sara begins to suspect that something is wrong. She investigates...

No, I do not know what happened to your cherry cobbler.

She finds her boyfriend disemboweled. This may be one of the funnier parts of the movie, as Ed's bowels look like a red funnel cake, and he gives the lamest death performance I've seen in quite some time. Sara screams, even moreso when the scarecrow grabs her. They cut away to show Sam in the hospital having a fit of some sort in what film school 101 calls "foreshadowing."

Gonna save this one for later

Rather than kill her outright, the scarecrow just drags her along the beach for a bit. She screams her head off, and though she can't seem to wriggle free of his grip, her screaming eventually annoys him so much that he lets go. She runs, but let's face it: what always happens when semi-attractive women run from movie monsters? That's right, she tripped and fell.

Rock and roll, baby!

Thankfully, there's a conveniently-placed, brightly-colored rock nearby, and the scarecrow slowly picks it up and smashes her head in with it. It's lucky for him that she was too damn stupid to do anything but writhe about screaming.

We're a-holes together!

Wow, has it really been more than two minutes since the last bit of crass humor? Well thank god Mike and Jim are still alive. Jim's giving Mike a pep talk about being a total dickwad while the two of them finish burying Phil in the sand. If Patty continues to be mad at Mike, Jim says, he may have to apologize. Jim sees nothing ironic at all about prescribing this advice. He does know how to cheer Mike up, though: pee on Phil's head.

He's got a jellyfish sting on his face.

And poor Phil can't do anything. Why, he's trapped under almost three inches of sand. How could anyone break free from that? Frankly, I think he was just pretending not to like it. Their bladders empty, Mike and Jim depart, and the camera switches to first person to make you think Phil's time has come. Nope, it's just Jack and Beth. "You look pissed," Jack says to Phil. Good one, Jack. It's lines like that that make me feel like I'm the one getting peed on.

HOW MANY BOOBS WILL BE ON PAGE 3?
CONTINUE TO FIND OUT!


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