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Sexual Moments in Video Game History

What? You mean you haven't seen two grown men act like this?

Ok, this is going to be a somewhat long page compared to the others. Why? Because it's about more than one game for one thing - it's about an entire series of completely insane "kuso-ge" (shit games) by the name of "Cho Aniki". Rather than let you off easy with exposure to one of the games, I figured I'd torture your eyes with some footage from almost all of them. These games don't have just 1 little sexual moment in them... these games are pretty much nonstop romps through the deepest and strangest perversions straight outta Japan. Still, they're fairly obscure and thus need to be exposed. We begin with "Ai Cho Aniki" for the PC Engine (ie: the Japanese version of NEC's Turbo Grafx-16 system). I've heard that it loosely translates to "Super Big Brother" and/or "Great Big Brother", but as far as I'm concerned, it really translates to "A Bunch of Speedo-Wearing Homosexual Lunatics with Holes in their goddamned Heads."

DO the muscle. No, not THAT muscle!

I like how the back cover instructs us to DO THE MUSCLE, yet it's quite vague as to which muscle we're supposed to "do" exactly. Then again, one glance at some of the imagery, and it doesn't take a genius to figure out what muscle they're probably speaking about. Onward to the game itself...

Move along folks, nothing to see here.

In this first installation of Cho Aniki, you play the part of Samson... he's the crazy guy in the speedo. Basically, it's a side-scrolling shooter game - with a lot of strange shit going on. At one point you're trying to fend off a fairy and her boat of angry semi-nude men, and the next minute you're going mono-a-mono with a giant naked guy who flies around in half of a meteor. Or is it a planet? Damned if I know. Just as long as it covers up his jigglies I'll be content.


I don't really know why Samson can fly, nor do I know why he has a hole in the top of his skull which he can shoot from. I don't really know why he encounters a train filled with more semi-nude men who enjoy diving off of a board even though there's no actual water to dive into. And furthermore...

Stop in the name of the... law?

I have absolutely no clue as to what's up with this guy. He obviously has a thing for signs 'n stuff... a traffic cone for a hat. But trust me, you don't need to see that traffic cone to know that you need to swerve out of the way of this guy. His crotch is just like one giant tumor that's begging for you to stare directly at it. The flowery background is a nice touch too, yes?

Meet your new driver's ed instructor

I'm sorry, I just had to show you that guy close-up. Besides, I've taken the time to go through these video ga(y)mes, so the least you can do is look. Look oh so closely. Well, at least after looking at that guy you've got an idea for a Halloween costume next year, eh?

*glug* *glug*
"He's got the cutest little dinghy in the Navy, heave ho... heave ho!"

Yeah, there's an underwater level and sure enough, you encounter even more guys in speedos. This time they're attached to anchors and sinking to the bottom of the ocean. Still, even though these guys are sinking to their demise, they put their best "Right-Said-Fred" pose. If you've gotta go, look good while you're doing it. I guess that's their philosophy.

No. I'm not even gonna comment on this one.

Ok, now that pretty much throws any sexual ambiguousness that the game had right out the window. I did mention that one of Samson's attacks has him sprinkling his enemies with faerie dust didn't I? Sadly, I don't think that's even the worst of it. In fact, I KNOW it's not the worst of it.

They're just "friends" I swear it!

Oh you still think you can handle more do ya? Hah, ok tough guy, let's see just how manly you feel after taking a gander at this image from the game:

Ok, maybe they're a little bit more than just friends. :(


So there you have it for the first Cho Aniki appearance. If they had a plan with this game, I can only assume it was this: If you want to make an impact on the gaming world, show them something they've never seen before. And by god, they sure as hell accomplished that.

Now we move onward to the Super Famicom (ie: the Japanese version of the Super Nintendo system) and the release of "Cho Aniki Bakaretsu Rantou Hen." I have no idea what the rest of that text means, but I'm guessing that's a good thing. A damned good thing. Unlike "Ai Cho Aniki" which was a side-scrolling shooter from homoerotic hell, "Cho Aniki Bakaretsu Rantou Hen" is more along the lines of a typical Street Fighter games. Well, typical probably isn't the right word to use, because this game is anything but that. And now let's meet a few of the splendid characters you can choose from:


BOTEI: He reminds me of something straight out of the movie "Beastmaster". Still, I don't recall anybody in that flick pulling off crotch-exposing yoga stretches in mid air, nor do I recall any of them wearing pink armor... but hey, maybe my memory is just fuzzy.

YOU GO GIRL! (er, and guys)

MAMI: Mami is all woman. Well, ok, part woman, part battleship filled with nude men. How come Carnival cruise lines doesn't have something like this for one of their vacation packages? I'm particularly fond of the heart anchor that's hanging off the side of the ship. What a wonderful touch.


SAMSON: Yep, Samson is back and....... gayer than ever. I'm sure that's all that needs to be said about Samson.


ADAM: No longer is Adam an enemy for you to encounter, now you can control his naked ass. And with moves such as "The Crotch Cannon™" and "Check Out My Ass While I Hide In My Half-Meteor™", why wouldn't you want to?

There's other characters too, but they just don't compare to the aforementioned frolicking foursome. But what about the gameplay itself? Well let's take a look.

Hello? Did you notice the background?

The combination moves are pulled off in the same way you'd pull off a combo in Street Fighter or Mortal Kombat, but it seems like there's a lot less combos for each character in this game. I guess that's not too surprising considering that you don't even have... hey wait a second. What in the FUCK is going on in the background there!?

Well, at least someone is happy here.

Holy sweet drunken ninja jesus, it appears that our battleground is none other than a field of daises. A field of daises with floating, muscle faerie men in pink speedos. That's too gay. That's just too too too gay. Even gay people would be offended by how excessively gay that is. Keep in mind, you're having to stare at that background while people like Samson and Adam are also pulling off some very suggestive moves in the foreground. You know what? I think I need some time away from this level. I'm going to go to a place that would truly shun such imagery. I'm going to church.

Church - a place where one can collect his or her thoughts

Ah, good old church. A place where I can relax in peace and clear my mind of... what in the!? NO! IT CAN'T BE! GODDAMNIT IT IS!!!!

Or not...

Yes, we've apparently entered "The Church of Flamers". While you're duking it out with your opponent in church, you're treated to giant purple men doing squat thrusts before your very eyes. All that was once holy and sacred has been tainted by the Cho Aniki series. Hmm, you know... that's actually kinda cool.

Moving right along, we now take a look at "Cho Aniki" which was released on both the Sony Playstation and the Sega Saturn. I've been unable to get my hands on this game so far, so I can't get too in-depth as to what it's like, but the artwork and digitized characters pretty much tell you all you need to know about it.

Stunning artwork. Simply stunning.

I'm not really sure what's going on with the cover here, but apparently they've now added baby angels to the mix of characters. Perhaps they're representatives of the church of flamers from the last game, or maybe they're just angels of death trying to rid the world of games like this. I suppose time will tell.

You know your acting career is in the shitter when you're in Cho Aniki

Just like with the game "Pit Fighter", they really use digitized characters all over the place in this game. The fact that they could actually find people willing to play these parts is amazing. Then again, it is Japan. I once saw a show there where a guy from there towed a truck with a rope tied to his penis, so I guess this isn't too surprising. Gotta love that guy with the golden visor on his head. I'll bet that's where he gets his power from. Genius.

Japanese vikings flying high above the city, nude men on the ground. Yep.

So in this game, they return to their roots with another side-scrolling shooter. What's great is, in addition to your own hilarious characters, you can tell there's all sorts of lovely things going on in the background.


Take this for example. Had I not pointed it out to you, you might have missed the naked guy sprawled out in a flower patch. Aren't you glad you've got me as a tour guide who will leave no stone unturned? Please, save your thanks for later.


Ok, now right here is the reason that I must play this game. Not only do they have a green muscle guy turned upside-down while another guy rides him like a pogo-stick, but they have a huge Japanese guy who... appears to have raped a sentinel from the Matrix. I mean seriously, what in the hell is going on with his crotch? You wouldn't believe what his big attack is. Ok, well, maybe at this point you would.

Gimme a G! Gimme an A! Gimme a Y! What does that spell? CHO ANIKI!

And lookee here, it appears as though you have to fight a cheerleader pyramid later on in the game. Well, it's not really cheerleaders, it's just a bunch of Japanese guys in speedos... but that's close enough I suppose. It's also nice to see that the character you play as is completely naked. Always a great selling point for a game.

Rest in peace angel.

I'm with you kid, I'm with you.

Our final destination is "Cho Aniki Seinaru Protein Densetsu" (roughly translated to "Super Brother: Legend of the Holy Protein") for the Sony Playstation 2 system. It's kind of amazing that they'd make one of these games for a powerful system like the PS2... then again, it's surprising they'd make these games for any system. Playing these games on any system is an insult to the system itself (even if there was an Atari Jaguar version of Cho Aniki). Still, I can't help but feel like if you own a system that one of these games exists for, your game collection will never be complete without owning at least one Cho Aniki game. Just imagine having some friends over and telling them you got this awesome new game from Japan. They wouldn't even have time to prepare for the onslaught of blatant flashy-speedo imagery that all of these games provide. Good times I tell you, good times indeed.


Anyway, from the look of the box it at least looks like it's a semi-professionally made PS2 game. The weird thing about this one though, is you don't play as Samson (or his "friend" Adon), you play as the Holy Protein. I'm sure that's just a fancy name for "sperm" in Japan. But yeah, you're just this little glob of protein that can shoot at its enemies. Still, Samson and Adon are always at your side, helping you fight the good fight.

Bowling for Bucks!

Now what in the hell is going on here? I'm not sure, but it looks like they might be bowling in space with the sperm, er protein, on a long track of naked men. At this point, is anything even shocking anymore?

They sure do love their protein don't they?

Hmm, no, I guess not.


For a PS2 game, these graphics look pretty friggin' horrible. Not that I'm really complaining, I could easily do without seeing the detailed glistening of Samson's ass cheeks during battle. And check out some of the enemies there. It appears someone mated with a shark and created a man-shark hybrid a la' "Sharkie" from "Cabin Boy". Yes bestiality, one of the few remaining vices that the Cho Aniki creators hadn't tapped into yet. But let's not forget the nice addition of the axe-pick wielding, tighty-whitey wearin' construction workers.


So tell me, does it burn when you urinate? Pfft, that's nothing compared to this giant statue that PISSES LAVA. And, for no apparent reason whatsoever (unless it's something they're going to use for a sex toy later on), you have to battle a giant CORN ON THE COB BOSS. I have to say, they totally redeemed themselves with that last one. I can't think of a better evil boss than corn on the cob.

You two sure have come a long, hard, and throbbing way.

So what does the future hold for Samson, Adon, and all the other misfortunates in the Cho Aniki series? I really don't know, but one thing's for sure: the next game is totally going to change Cho Aniki's reputation. No longer will there be greased up muscle men in search of protein. Instead, we'll see a brilliant adventure game with a deep plot, rich characters, incredible bosses, and a stunning conclusion. It will truly be a game for the whole family to enjoy and reminisce about for years.

Yeah... like hell.


We all need some super duper gayness in our lives.
So here, gay-up your computer with this Cho Aniki desktop wallpaper!

[Wallpaper for 1024x768 screen resolution!]
[Wallpaper for 800x600 screen resolution!]