Ok, this is going
to be a somewhat long page compared to the others. Why? Because it's
about more than one game for one thing - it's about an entire series
of completely insane "kuso-ge" (shit games) by the name of "Cho Aniki". Rather than
let you off easy with exposure to one of the games, I figured I'd
torture your eyes with some footage from almost all of them. These
games don't have just 1 little sexual moment in them... these games
are pretty much nonstop romps through the deepest and strangest
perversions straight outta Japan. Still, they're fairly obscure and
thus need to be exposed. We begin with "Ai Cho Aniki" for the PC Engine (ie:
the Japanese version of NEC's Turbo Grafx-16 system). I've heard
that it loosely translates to "Super Big Brother" and/or "Great Big
Brother", but as far as I'm concerned, it really translates to "A
Bunch of Speedo-Wearing Homosexual Lunatics with Holes in their
goddamned Heads."
I like how the back
cover instructs us to DO THE MUSCLE, yet it's quite vague as
to which muscle we're supposed to "do" exactly. Then again, one
glance at some of the imagery, and it doesn't take a genius to
figure out what muscle they're probably speaking about. Onward to
the game itself...
In this first
installation of Cho Aniki, you play the part of Samson... he's the
crazy guy in the speedo. Basically, it's a side-scrolling shooter
game - with a lot of strange shit going on. At one point you're
trying to fend off a fairy and her boat of angry semi-nude men, and
the next minute you're going mono-a-mono with a giant naked guy who
flies around in half of a meteor. Or is it a planet? Damned if I
know. Just as long as it covers up his jigglies I'll be content.
I don't really know
why Samson can fly, nor do I know why he has a hole in the top of
his skull which he can shoot from. I don't really know why he
encounters a train filled with more semi-nude men who enjoy diving
off of a board even though there's no actual water to dive into. And
furthermore...
I have absolutely
no clue as to what's up with this guy. He obviously has a thing for
signs 'n stuff... a traffic cone for a hat. But trust me, you don't
need to see that traffic cone to know that you need to swerve out of
the way of this guy. His crotch is just like one giant tumor that's
begging for you to stare directly at it. The flowery background is a
nice touch too, yes?
I'm sorry, I just
had to show you that guy close-up. Besides, I've taken the time to
go through these video ga(y)mes, so the least you can do is look.
Look oh so closely. Well, at least after looking at that guy you've
got an idea for a Halloween costume next year, eh?
"He's got the
cutest little dinghy in the Navy, heave ho... heave ho!"
Yeah, there's an
underwater level and sure enough, you encounter even more guys in
speedos. This time they're attached to anchors and sinking to the
bottom of the ocean. Still, even though these guys are sinking to
their demise, they put their best "Right-Said-Fred" pose. If you've gotta
go, look good while you're doing it. I guess that's their
philosophy.
Ok, now that pretty
much throws any sexual ambiguousness that the game had right out the
window. I did mention that one of Samson's attacks has him
sprinkling his enemies with faerie dust didn't I? Sadly, I don't think that's even the worst of it. In fact, I
KNOW it's not the worst of it.
Oh you
still think you can handle more do ya? Hah, ok tough guy, let's see
just how manly you feel after taking a gander at this image from the
game:
YES. YES. YES.
So there you have
it for the first Cho Aniki appearance. If they had a plan with this
game, I can only assume it was this: If you want to make an
impact on the gaming world, show them something they've never seen
before. And by god, they sure as hell accomplished that.
Now we move onward
to the Super Famicom (ie: the Japanese version of the Super Nintendo
system) and the release of "Cho Aniki Bakaretsu Rantou Hen." I have no
idea what the rest of that text means, but I'm guessing that's a
good thing. A damned good thing. Unlike "Ai Cho Aniki" which was a
side-scrolling shooter from homoerotic hell, "Cho Aniki Bakaretsu
Rantou Hen" is more along the lines of a typical Street Fighter
games. Well, typical probably isn't the right word to use,
because this game is anything but that. And now let's meet a few of
the splendid characters you can choose from:
BOTEI: He reminds me of something straight out of the movie "Beastmaster".
Still, I don't recall anybody in that flick pulling off
crotch-exposing yoga stretches in mid air, nor do I recall any of
them wearing pink armor... but
hey, maybe my memory is just fuzzy.
MAMI: Mami is
all woman. Well, ok, part woman, part battleship filled with nude
men. How come Carnival cruise lines doesn't have something like this
for one of their vacation packages? I'm particularly fond of the
heart anchor that's hanging off the side of the ship. What a
wonderful touch.
SAMSON: Yep, Samson is back and....... gayer than ever. I'm sure
that's all that needs to be said about Samson.
ADAM: No longer is Adam an enemy for you to encounter, now you
can control his naked ass. And with moves such as "The Crotch Cannon™"
and "Check Out My Ass While I Hide In My Half-Meteor™", why wouldn't
you want to?
There's other
characters too, but they just don't compare to the aforementioned
frolicking foursome. But what about the gameplay itself? Well let's
take a look.
The combination
moves are pulled off in the same way you'd pull off a combo in
Street Fighter or Mortal Kombat, but it seems like there's a lot
less combos for each character in this game. I guess that's not too
surprising considering that you don't even have... hey wait a
second. What in the FUCK is going on in the background
there!?
Holy sweet drunken
ninja jesus, it appears that our battleground is none other than a
field of daises. A field of daises with floating, muscle faerie men
in pink speedos. That's too gay. That's just too too too gay. Even
gay people would be offended by how excessively gay that is. Keep in
mind, you're having to stare at that background while people like
Samson and Adam are also pulling off some very suggestive moves in
the foreground. You know what? I think I need some time away from
this level. I'm going to go to a place that would truly shun such
imagery. I'm going to church.
Ah, good old
church. A place where I can relax in peace and clear my mind of...
what in the!? NO! IT CAN'T BE! GODDAMNIT IT IS!!!!
Yes, we've
apparently entered "The Church of Flamers". While you're duking it
out with your opponent in church, you're treated to giant purple men
doing squat thrusts before your very eyes. All that was once holy
and sacred has been tainted by the Cho Aniki series. Hmm, you
know... that's actually kinda cool.
Moving right along,
we now take a look at "Cho Aniki" which was released on both the
Sony Playstation and the Sega Saturn. I've been unable to get my
hands on this game so far, so I can't get too in-depth as to what
it's like, but the artwork and digitized characters pretty much tell
you all you need to know about it.
I'm not really sure
what's going on with the cover here, but apparently they've now
added baby angels to the mix of characters. Perhaps they're
representatives of the church of flamers from the last game, or
maybe they're just angels of death trying to rid the world of games
like this. I suppose time will tell.
Just like with the
game "Pit Fighter", they really use digitized characters all over
the place in this game. The fact that they could actually find
people willing to play these parts is amazing. Then again, it is
Japan. I once saw a show there where a guy from there towed a truck
with a rope tied to his penis, so I guess this isn't too surprising.
Gotta love that guy with the golden visor on his head. I'll bet
that's where he gets his power from. Genius.
So in this game,
they return to their roots with another side-scrolling shooter.
What's great is, in addition to your own hilarious characters, you
can tell there's all sorts of lovely things going on in the
background.
Take this for
example. Had I not pointed it out to you, you might have missed the
naked guy sprawled out in a flower patch. Aren't you glad you've got
me as a tour guide who will leave no stone unturned? Please, save
your thanks for later.
Ok, now right here
is the reason that I must play this game. Not only do they have a
green muscle guy turned upside-down while another guy rides him like
a pogo-stick, but they have a huge Japanese guy who... appears to
have raped a sentinel from the Matrix. I mean seriously, what in the
hell is going on with his crotch? You wouldn't believe what his big attack
is. Ok, well, maybe at this point you would.
And lookee here, it
appears as though you have to fight a cheerleader pyramid later on
in the game. Well, it's not really cheerleaders, it's just a
bunch of Japanese guys in speedos... but that's close enough I
suppose. It's also nice to see that the character you play as is
completely naked. Always a great selling point for a game.
I'm
with you kid, I'm with you.
Our final
destination is "Cho Aniki Seinaru Protein Densetsu" (roughly
translated to "Super Brother: Legend of the Holy Protein") for the Sony Playstation 2 system. It's kind of amazing that they'd make one of
these games for a powerful system like the PS2... then again, it's
surprising they'd make these games for any system. Playing these
games on any system is an insult to the system itself (even if there
was an Atari Jaguar version of Cho Aniki). Still, I can't help but
feel like if you own a system that one of these games exists for,
your game collection will never be complete without owning at least
one Cho Aniki game. Just imagine having some friends over and
telling them you got this awesome new game from Japan. They wouldn't
even have time to prepare for the onslaught of blatant flashy-speedo
imagery that all of these games provide. Good times I tell you, good
times indeed.
Anyway, from the
look of the box it at least looks like it's a semi-professionally
made PS2 game. The weird thing about this one though, is you don't
play as Samson (or his "friend" Adon), you play as the Holy Protein.
I'm sure that's just a fancy name for "sperm" in Japan. But yeah,
you're just this little glob of protein that can shoot at its
enemies. Still, Samson and Adon are always at your side, helping you
fight the good fight.
Now what in the
hell is going on here? I'm not sure, but it looks like they might be
bowling in space with the sperm, er protein, on a long track of
naked men. At this point, is anything even shocking anymore?
Hmm,
no, I guess not.
For a PS2 game,
these graphics look pretty friggin' horrible. Not that I'm really
complaining, I could easily do without seeing the detailed
glistening of Samson's ass cheeks during battle. And check out some
of the enemies there. It appears someone mated with a shark and
created a man-shark hybrid a la' "Sharkie" from "Cabin Boy". Yes
bestiality, one of the few remaining vices that the Cho Aniki
creators hadn't tapped into yet. But let's not forget the nice
addition of the axe-pick wielding, tighty-whitey wearin'
construction workers.
So tell me, does it
burn when you urinate? Pfft, that's nothing compared to this giant
statue that PISSES LAVA. And, for no apparent reason
whatsoever (unless it's something they're going to use for a sex toy
later on), you have to battle a giant CORN ON THE COB BOSS. I
have to say, they totally redeemed themselves with that last one. I
can't think of a better evil boss than corn on the cob.
So what does the
future hold for Samson, Adon, and all the other misfortunates in the
Cho Aniki series? I really don't know, but one thing's for sure: the
next game is totally going to change Cho Aniki's reputation. No
longer will there be greased up muscle men in search of protein.
Instead, we'll see a brilliant adventure game with a deep plot, rich
characters, incredible bosses, and a stunning conclusion. It will
truly be a game for the whole family to enjoy and reminisce about
for years.
Yeah... like hell.
***HAPPY FUN TIME GAY BONUS!***
We
all need some super duper gayness in our lives.
So here, gay-up your computer with this Cho Aniki desktop wallpaper!
