Please don't feed PickleMan
Please don't feed PickleMan
About Us Store Advertising Contact New to I-Mockery? Register an account and join in the pickled fun! New to I-Mockery? Register an account and join in the pickled fun!

Sexual Moments in Video Game History


Ah yes, Rampage was always a childhood favorite of mine. What other games had the 3-player arcade mindless smash-em-up action that could be found in this little gem? Not many I say, not many at all. It was just one of those games that you and your pals had to play if you saw it, even though you had already played it a million times.


So you start off with three different characters to choose from. George is basically supposed to be like King Kong, Lizzie is your Godzilla, and Ralph... well, he's just a fucking werewolf I guess. I don't remember any goddamned stories about giant werewolves destroying entire buildings, but then again, I haven't seen all of the "giant monster" flicks out there so who knows. Ralph has a cool expression on his face and that's good enough for me. Besides, Ralph got the shaft on the NES port of this game, so he deserves his props.

Strike a pose!

So there you are, three mighty monsters, looking to tear down the cities of every state in the country. If you were an asshole like I always was, you spent your time trying to kill your buddies instead of helping them destroy the buildings. As easy as this game is, you still die here 'n there... it's inevitable. Once your energy runs out it's bye bye giant mutant monsters...

aiiieeeee! OMG! I'm Lily Tomlin! Goodbye cruel world! :(

... and hello ugly little sissies. Yep, you shrink back down into your human form (ie: the way you were before you were exposed to the radioactive stuff). But that's not the best part. The best part is that you have to stand before the partially destroyed city completely naked. Sorry, this isn't one of those stupid "Hulk" moments, where his clothes magically stretch out enough to still cover up his genitalia whenever Bruce turns into the Hulk. This is reality. If you grew into a giant beast that's as large as some buildings, your clothes are going to be torn to shreds (and possibly consumed by your nasty beast self).

If you squint your eyes you can see their... nope... nothing. Damn.

Sure, they're naked and quivering with fear now, but all of the parts that make the baby jesus cry are covered up. Not too risqué, right? Well then, let's skip ahead roughly a decade and see how the times have changed Rampage.


I was so excited to hear that Rampage was making a comeback, and World Tour did not let me down. They kept all of the fun of the original, only they souped up the graphics to look more like claymation. As if that wasn't enough, they gave ol' Ralphy boy a blue dye job... OOOO YOUR SO PUNK RAWWWWK RALPH!

Yes, warn the parents about the unimportant shit. Brilliant.

Something that amuses me is how in the beginning of the game they mention that it contains animated violence. Sure there's violence in it, that's obvious, but what about the adult themes that are present in this game? You'd think that would be something parents might want to know about, right? Let's take a gander...

Hmmm, am I too slutty? Yep, I sure am! TEE HEE!

From the very get-go, there's already signs that they're trying to appeal to horny young teenagers by presenting us with a live Scum-Link feed of a busty babe in a tiny skirt with high heels. Even more blatant, when the mutants first strike, the camera accidentally pans down to her breasts and then cuts off. Oh you naughty programmers you.


Goddamn, have they no shame? Well I guess that's why they call themselves Scum after all. There are animated "Live Girls XXX" signs in some of the cities, and while you can't actually go into these strips joints nor scare any strippers out by destroying the building, you can still see a little peep show:

I hate it when pixels don't shave down there. :/

Lizzie apparently became a bleached blonde with a boob job during the past decade, but the Hollywood dream didn't pan out so she's still making nude appearances in video games. It's a sad story and we've all heard it a million times, but I'm still amazed they got away without an adult warning. I mean, there's obviously pubic hairs and breasts there for the kids to see anytime Lizzie dies. But nothing could prepare me for this...

Egads no! That's just not possible!

Oh my god, did I just see what I think I saw? No it couldn't be. Yes it is! It's...


Whenever George or Ralph kick the bucket, you're treated to an eyeful o' cock! So how's that for progress over the last decade, eh!? EH!? Oh shut up, you know you love it. Each and every last one of you do.

Well there you have it folks, look what a mere decade can do to a fun game for the family. At this rate, if they keep making these games, Rampage in the year 2030 will no longer be about 3 movie monsters wreaking havoc upon the world. Instead, Rampage will be about 3 mutant ex-junkie strippers who destroy buildings not with their fists, but with their naughty parts all in the name of Hitler. :o Shit, I just gave somebody out there an idea didn't I. Forget I ever said it. Move along, nothing to see here.

In the end, the Rampage series may not be the most thought-provoking games you can play, but it's a great way to let out some aggression with the added potential to see a rare glimpse of digital wang. And hey, the game still managed to give me some of the best advice I've ever received: