Ah yes, Rampage was
always a childhood favorite of mine. What other games had the
3-player arcade mindless smash-em-up action that could be found in
this little gem? Not many I say, not many at all. It was just one of
those games that you and your pals had to play if you saw it, even
though you had already played it a million times.
So you start off
with three different characters to choose from. George is basically
supposed to be like King Kong, Lizzie is your Godzilla, and Ralph...
well, he's just a fucking werewolf I guess. I don't remember any
goddamned stories about giant werewolves destroying entire
buildings, but then again, I haven't seen all of the "giant monster"
flicks out there so who knows. Ralph has a cool expression on his
face and that's good enough for me. Besides, Ralph got the shaft on
the NES port of this game, so he deserves his props.
So there you are,
three mighty monsters, looking to tear down the cities of every
state in the country. If you were an asshole like I always was, you
spent your time trying to kill your buddies instead of helping them
destroy the buildings. As easy as this game is, you still die here
'n there... it's inevitable. Once your energy runs out it's bye bye
giant mutant monsters...
... and hello ugly
little sissies. Yep, you shrink back down into your human form (ie:
the way you were before you were exposed to the radioactive stuff).
But that's not the best part. The best part is that you have to
stand before the partially destroyed city completely naked. Sorry,
this isn't one of those stupid "Hulk" moments, where his clothes
magically stretch out enough to still cover up his genitalia
whenever Bruce turns into the Hulk. This is reality. If you grew
into a giant beast that's as large as some buildings, your clothes
are going to be torn to shreds (and possibly consumed by your nasty
beast self).
If you squint your eyes you can see their... nope... nothing. Damn.
Sure, they're naked
and quivering with fear now, but all of the parts that make the baby
jesus cry are covered up. Not too risqué, right? Well then, let's
skip ahead roughly a decade and see how the times have changed
Rampage.
I was so excited to
hear that Rampage was making a comeback, and World Tour did not let
me down. They kept all of the fun of the original, only they souped
up the graphics to look more like claymation. As if that wasn't
enough, they gave ol' Ralphy boy a blue dye job... OOOO YOUR SO PUNK
RAWWWWK RALPH!
Something that
amuses me is how in the beginning of the game they mention that it
contains animated violence. Sure there's violence in it, that's
obvious, but what about the adult themes that are present in this
game? You'd think that would be something parents might want to know
about, right? Let's take a gander...
From the very
get-go, there's already signs that they're trying to appeal to horny
young teenagers by presenting us with a live Scum-Link feed of a
busty babe in a tiny skirt with high heels. Even more blatant, when
the mutants first strike, the camera accidentally pans down
to her breasts and then cuts off. Oh you naughty programmers you.
Goddamn, have they
no shame? Well I guess that's why they call themselves Scum after
all. There are animated "Live Girls XXX" signs in some of the
cities, and while you can't actually go into these strips joints nor
scare any strippers out by destroying the building, you can
still see a little peep show:
Lizzie apparently
became a bleached blonde with a boob job during the past decade, but
the Hollywood dream didn't pan out so she's still making nude
appearances in video games. It's a sad story and we've all heard it
a million times, but I'm still amazed they got away without an adult
warning. I mean, there's obviously pubic hairs and breasts there for
the kids to see anytime Lizzie dies. But nothing could prepare me
for this...
Oh
my god, did I just see what I think I saw? No it couldn't be. Yes
it is! It's...
Whenever George or
Ralph kick the bucket, you're treated to an eyeful o' cock! So how's
that for progress over the last decade, eh!? EH!? Oh shut up, you
know you love it. Each and every last one of you do.
Well there you have
it folks, look what a mere decade can do to a fun game for the
family. At this rate, if they keep making these games, Rampage in
the year 2030 will no longer be about 3 movie monsters wreaking
havoc upon the world. Instead, Rampage will be about 3 mutant
ex-junkie strippers who destroy buildings not with their fists, but
with their naughty parts all in the name of Hitler. :o Shit, I just
gave somebody out there an idea didn't I. Forget I ever said it.
Move along, nothing to see here.
In the end, the
Rampage series may not be the most thought-provoking games you can
play, but it's a great way to let out some aggression with the added
potential to see a rare glimpse of digital wang. And hey, the game
still managed to give me some of the best advice I've ever received:
