Please don't feed PickleMan
Please don't feed PickleMan
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Sexual Moments in Video Game History

I'm da puli-rula of dis hizzy!

Pulirula is a game that tells a familiar tale about controlling time that we've all heard before. In the kingdom of Radishland, time is kept flowing not by the wicked machinations of Shub Niggurath, but rather by keepers turning "Time Keys." Some bad guy decides to steal the Time keys, thus messing up each of the cities whose keys were stolen. An old man "impressed by a sense of danger" calls in two children and gives them his "invented magic stick" to defend the towns and get time movin' again. Basic stuff, really.

Anyway, what follows is a lot of clubbing with said magic stick. For some reason, whenever you club an enemy, they turn into an animal and run off the screen. What that has to do with time being halted is beyond me. What's even more confusing, however, is when your bludgeoning takes you to stage 3, and the madness therein:

Booga booga!

There's your greeting. The screaming blue-haired man. And just next to his gigantic head, the yellow-dressed flag woman.

She's a flapper.  Get it?

Still no clue as to how time being halted is responsible for... this. Luckily, a robot I clubbed turned into a dog and explained the whole thing to me:

"This town is controlled by the dream of a megalomania and all places are such circumstances."

Oh, those canines and their terrible grammar. What the dog doesn't tell you is that the dream the town is stuck in has a couple bits of titillating weirdness hanging around.


Aside from what the red eggplant man is doing, the sumo on the wall is making me really uncomfortable. He's assumed the position (and not the sumo wrestling position) and he's grinning at me. Forget it, Mr. Sumo. This magic stick is not for you. The eager sumo is nothing compared to the other bit of ribaldry:

knock knock.

Players of the Japanese version of the game are treated to this unique hazard. And probably better grammar, too. Anyway, while dodging the deadly thighs, I noticed that there was a door between the two legs. What's inside it, you ask?

I must be drunk.

An angry pink elephant. IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!

Your eyes do not decieve you, mutt.