Please don't feed PickleMan
Please don't feed PickleMan
About Us Store Advertising Contact New to I-Mockery? Register an account and join in the pickled fun! New to I-Mockery? Register an account and join in the pickled fun!

Sexual Moments in Video Game History

Who's bad? He is.

In 1989, Mattel apparently wanted a video game hero to promote a new line of action figures, but somehow their request for 'a tough street-fighting vigilante' was interpreted as 'Peter Pan fag with shaved armpits' by Beam Software. I'm not 100% sure about the storyline in this game, but judging by the enemies I'd guess a circus has come to town and gone awry and some guy in a yellow one-piece swimming suit is the only man who can save the day. For some reason, he can only attack in to set ways in each level. In the first level, the techniques at your disposal are the regular punch and a slide kick. In other levels you lose the ability to do this, but suddenly you can use such attacks as 'drop kick', 'body slam' and 'gut knee'. Another is the 'crouch down and ram your head into the nearest crotch' move.

Now that's a move you won't learn in martial arts class.

More interesting, however, is the 'trip' move, which is used to trip people and to pet dogs. No, seriously. If a dog comes up to you and tries to bite you in the jugular, you can just pet it and it dies.

OMG! He has the touch of DEATH! :o
Be dead! Good boy!

The 'trip' maneuver even has a third function: it lets you fondle people.

I'm just checking their pockets for change. I swear I am! No really!

This is one of those moments when the graphics designer, project manager or even the damned coffee boy should have stood up and said "Hey guys, it kinda looks like the guy is masturbating that passed-out midget. We better get that fixed." But of course nobody did, and now suddenly the already unconventional hero is also a sexual assaulter and possibly a somnaphiliac or narcophiliac or whatever you're called when you fondle sleeping people.

Well at least somebody is enjoying himself.
The tables have turned!