Please don't feed PickleMan
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Sexual Moments in Video Game History

Streets of Knuckles! Bare Rage! Er...

Streets of Rage 3 is simply one of the best side-scrolling fighter games you'll ever play. The levels are great, the enemies are fun, and even the soundtrack is worth downloading. Even with all of these plusses going for it, they must have been worried about selling enough copies, because they through in a scantily clad gal as one of the main characters.

Looks like they forgot to include one important stat.

Meet Blaze. She's a 5'6" ass-kicking heroine who apparently didn't want to give out her weight. Typical. Still, it's safe to assume that if one was to weigh Blaze, her clothes wouldn't be a factor since there's not much of 'em to begin with.

Yes, yes they did just try THAT pick-up line.

Call me crazy, but for some reason I have my doubts about a woman actually choosing to fight in a short skirt and high-heeled boots. For some reason I think some nice sweat pants and sneakers would do the job a lot better. But hey, what do I know? Through the magic of video game animation, she successfully fights her way through all the levels and bosses without a problem. Well, ok... there were a few problems.

Look! It's a whorenucopia of Blaze!

Blaze's enemies get more views of her crotch in this game than if she had her own spread in an issue of Hustler. In that mini-skirt Blaze kicks, flips, jumps... she's absolutely shameless about it. Come to think of it, maybe that's been her strategy all along. Show the enemy a lil' muffin to distract 'em and then beat their asses. Eh, who are we kidding... they just wanted to have a scantily clad babe in the game so more desperate dweebs would buy a copy. Isn't that right you dweeb? What's that? You want to see her in action more? No, screw that. Why don't you go buy the game if you need to see 1 pixel of underwear that badly? Piss off.

Oh alright, one more time...
If pixels actually turn you on, seek help. Seek help FAST.

Now, I would like to say that the Blaze slut-factor is the only thing in this game that I had to write about. That's just not the case. Sure, there's other women with whips and what not, but that's nothing compared to this little secret...

In the Japanese version of "Streets of Rage 3" (known as "Bare Knuckle 3"), you confront a character by the name of Ash on level 1. He's quite the flamboyant character, as you will see in a minute. There's a little secret about him though... you can actually play as him. When I first heard that you could play as Ash, I figured they were talking about "Evil Dead" Ash, not "YMCA Reject" Ash.

Grooovy Baby.

After you beat Ash, if you press all three buttons on your Genesis controller and the start button at the same time and then die shortly after, the next time you continue you'll see the option to choose Ash as your character. And why wouldn't you choose Ash? What are you a homophobe? Ash may be a bad Japanese stereotype of gay men, but he can beat (er slap) the enemies into a pulp with very little effort. I mean, just look at the power you'll have at your fingertips.

Come 'ere big boy!


Oh my sides!






I think the choice is now quite clear - Ash is THE character to play as in Bare Knuckle 3. It's a damned shame you can't play as him in the American version of the game. Ah well, perhaps it's for the best. I don't want the bad guys to win or anything, but I still want them to stand a fighting chance. If Ash and Blaze were to combine forces, shit... they'd be absolutely unstoppable. Actually, they sorta did meld the two together... anytime Ash screams, it's the scream of a woman.

That's right! Spank me! Harder! Harder! I SAID HARDER!
A match made in S&M Heaven.