Streets of Rage 3
is simply one of the best side-scrolling fighter games you'll ever
play. The levels are great, the enemies are fun, and even the
soundtrack is worth downloading. Even with all of these plusses
going for it, they must have been worried about selling enough
copies, because they through in a scantily clad gal as one of the
main characters.
Meet Blaze. She's a
5'6" ass-kicking heroine who apparently didn't want to give out her
weight. Typical. Still, it's safe to assume that if one was to weigh
Blaze, her clothes wouldn't be a factor since there's not much of 'em
to begin with.
Call me crazy, but
for some reason I have my doubts about a woman actually choosing to
fight in a short skirt and high-heeled boots. For some reason I
think some nice sweat pants and sneakers would do the job a lot
better. But hey, what do I know? Through the magic of video game
animation, she successfully fights her way through all the levels
and bosses without a problem. Well, ok... there were a few
problems.
Blaze's enemies get
more views of her crotch in this game than if she had her own spread
in an issue of Hustler. In that mini-skirt Blaze kicks, flips,
jumps... she's absolutely shameless about it. Come to think of it,
maybe that's been her strategy all along. Show the enemy a lil'
muffin to distract 'em and then beat their asses. Eh, who are we
kidding... they just wanted to have a scantily clad babe in the game
so more desperate dweebs would buy a copy. Isn't that right you
dweeb? What's that? You want to see her in action more? No, screw
that. Why don't you go buy the game if you need to see 1 pixel of
underwear that badly? Piss off.
Oh
alright, one more time...
Now, I would like
to say that the Blaze slut-factor is the only thing in this game
that I had to write about. That's just not the case. Sure, there's
other women with whips and what not, but that's nothing compared to
this little secret...
In the Japanese
version of "Streets of Rage 3" (known as "Bare Knuckle 3"), you
confront a character by the name of Ash on level 1. He's quite the
flamboyant character, as you will see in a minute. There's a
little secret about him though... you can actually play as him. When
I first heard that you could play as Ash, I figured they were
talking about "Evil Dead" Ash, not "YMCA Reject" Ash.
After you beat Ash,
if you press all three buttons on your Genesis controller and the
start button at the same time and then die shortly after, the next
time you continue you'll see the option to choose Ash as your
character. And why wouldn't you choose Ash? What are you a
homophobe? Ash may be a bad Japanese stereotype of gay men, but he
can beat (er slap) the enemies into a pulp with very little effort.
I mean, just look at the power you'll have at your
fingertips.
OOO LA LA!
OH YOU SSSSILLY BOY YOU!
YOU BETTER WORK IT!
IT'S RAININ' MEN!
I think the choice
is now quite clear - Ash is THE character to play as in Bare
Knuckle 3. It's a damned shame you can't play as him in the
American version of the game. Ah well, perhaps it's for the best. I
don't want the bad guys to win or anything, but I still want them to
stand a fighting chance. If Ash and Blaze were to combine forces,
shit... they'd be absolutely unstoppable. Actually, they sorta did
meld the two together... anytime Ash screams, it's the scream of a
woman.
