Greetings,
friends. The spooky season is upon us once again, and that means that
karma has come back to bite me in the ass, and I must present to you
people another brand new crappy horror movie. That said, it is time once
again to take a look at the best that the bottom of the barrel has to
offer.
To make a really bad horror movie, there are a lot of different elements
you can use. You can have bad camera work, you can incorporate god-awful
music into every scene, you could employ a cadre of your friends because
they want to give acting a shot, or in this case, your horror movie can be
about snowboarding, and snowboarders. That way, you can stuff the first
half hour of the movie with footage of people snowboarding as filler in
between scenes of empty stoner dialogue. Better yet, you can try to use
snowboarding nomenclature to come up with a great title/pun. If you did
all of that, and you were still able to keep the movie studio's financial
backing, your movie would be called Shredder.
The very
first thing you see is a shot of a snowboarder being pursued by a
mysterious skier dressed entirely in black. For a while, the snowboarder
has a healthy lead over the skier, but then the skier shortens the
distance considerably by taking a short cut. And it goes on like that for
another minute or so, and then the snowboarder decides to try and lose the
skier in the woods.
Unfortunately, the skier takes yet another shortcut, and somehow manages
to wind up ahead of the snowboarder. He reaches into the snow and pulls a
steel wire up betwixt two of the pine trees. The snowboarder, who
apparently takes no notice of any of this, continues on into the wire and
gives us the film's first great kill.
Man, you
really need to be careful around steel wire. Apparently, you can cut your
own head off traveling at speeds in excess of 5 mph (8 kilometers for our
international readers).
And on a
note of irony, the snowboarder had a pamphlet of skiing rules in his hand
for some reason. The skier in black snatches the helpful guidelines and
walks off. Not a very dramatic exit, but an exit nonetheless.
Just in case
you don't know which PoS movie you're watching, the title comes up shortly
thereafter, with the decapitated snowboarder gushing the whole time. Man,
though, I can't believe how close his head landed to his shoulders after
he hit that wire. You'd think the director had never seen anyone get their
head chopped off on the run before.
With the
introductory kill out of the way, it's time now to introduce you to the
cast. The first is evil rich girl Kimberly Van Arx. As you can see, she is
introduced with a shower scene, as well as a tasteful glimpse of her
underwear. Ironically, though the director saw fit to introduce her taking
a shower and giving the audience one (of many) shots of her undies, he was
very careful not to show any of her naughty parts on camera. Well,
the guy has priorities, I guess.
Her shower
is interrupted, however, by her boyfriend, Cole, who surprises her with a
rose, and is pummeled for scaring her in the shower. Afterwards, they get
to talking, and we learn just why Kimberly has her underwear on display:
the two of them have planned a romantic getaway to her chattel in the
mountains. Cole is anxious to get there, and not because he's looking
forward to the crisp mountain air. By the way, in case you're wondering
where you've seen this guy before, allow me to refresh your memory:
Cole is
played by Scott Weinger, who originally played DJ's boyfriend, Steve, on
Full House. Given his current role, I'm guessing that his celebrity status
didn't exactly take off after the show's cancellation. On the plus side,
he did do the voice of the title character in Disney's Aladdin, and I
don't plan to let him live down either role.
Anyway, Kimberly informs Cole that their getaway won't be as private as he
would have liked:
Tagging
along with the couple are Robyn, Kimberly's equally mean-spirited friend
who seems to be in heat the whole movie; Kirk, the stoner snowboarder;
Skyler, the horny virgin who provides comic relief by constantly cracking
wise and sticking his video camera into everyone's face; and last but not
least, Kimberly's cousin Pike, the punk girl whom everyone mistakes for a
lesbian, and whose ambiguous sexuality makes for several hilarious jokes.
It's a regular dream team of people that you'd like to see die.
There's just one more member of this squad of pissants, and they pick him
up when the gang's hijinx causes Robyn to accidentally spill coffee all
over her sweater, and she screeches at Cole to pull over so she can clean
it off.
She just
can't wait to clean that sweater, and she rips it off as soon as she gets
out of the car. Pike gets out to follow the other two, but Skyler stops
her, asking her to take his camera and document the goings on in the
bathroom. Oh Skyler, you cute little sexual deviant, you. Still, Pike goes
along with the idea, and the guys stay behind at the car, cracking jokes
about Skyler being a virgin and Pike being gay. Meanwhile, the camera in
the bathroom unlocks Robyn's inner ho, and she starts screwing around with
Kimberly. Also in this scene, we learn that Kimberly is simply leading
Cole on, and that this bothers Pike. Oh man, and I thought she was a total
lesbo! I mean, she's got short hair, for crying out loud!!
"In my country, men and women share the toilet."
Outside the
bathroom, the girls encounter the drifter I mentioned earlier. His name is
Christophe, and he's from Italy… or France. I can't really tell which one
it is, and neither can he apparently, because he blends the two dialects
together to create an entirely new accent. He even includes references to
his home country (wherever that is), including the above caption. It's a
line like that, and a double entendre about Robyn getting all wet, that
earns him a spot in the group's trip. But oh no, look at this:
He has
black and red gloves, just like the killer! Oh, the suspense is boring me!
Further down
the road, the group encounters a unimog snow blower traveling slowly down
the road, so they decide to blow by the driver while screaming "ASSHOLE!"
as loud as they can. Hmm, a sullen man driving a vehicle that has huge
grinding blades on the front of it and a bumper sticker that says "death
to snowboarders". Already, he's far more likeable than any of the
other characters in this damn movie. I hope we get to see him again real
soon.
At last they
arrive at the resort, only to find that the gate has been locked. It seems
that Kimberly omitted an important detail, namely that her father doesn't
yet own this piece of the mountain. It's an unfortunate situation, but the
gang knows just what to do: go shredding.
The crew
changes into their snow gear and attacks the mountain while Cole struggles
impotently with the lock. Then, it's two-and-a-half minutes of shredding
and punk music, while Aladdin wishes that he had his magic lamp so that he
could wish that damn lock off. It's one of the most pathetic scenes in the
whole movie, especially because his girlfriend sits in the car, rolling
her eyes at each of his sad attempts. Eventually, he does manage to get
the lock off (albeit off camera) and they finally make their way to the
chattel.
At the
chattel, the group finds their accommodations to be slightly more filthy
and rundown than they had anticipated. No worries, though; their only
complaint is that it's chilly, and not that there's garbage everywhere and
an inch of dust on the floor. With that taken care of, we get to here more
about Kirk. Skyler narrates for the documentary he's shooting, saying that
Kirk won the silver medal at the "Shasta games," and when Cole questions
how a pothead like Kirk could pass a drug test, Kirk attributes his
triumph to "clean-pee.com". Geez, you'd think if they director was going
to include a joke like that that he would know that it's clean-pee.org.
Anyway, Cole asks whose equipment was sitting outside the chattel, and
Kimberly informs everyone that they'll be joined by Chad, Kirk's
snowboarding rival. But first, Skyler points out another big problem:
"There is an immediate beer run required to insure the survival of out
species!" Man, I am going to enjoy watching you die, you frigging jackass.
Worse yet, Kimberly tells them that they need to go get "like, food or
something", too. Jesus, it's a miracle that these morons remembered to
pack anything aside from their damn snowboards and Kirk's pot. And so,
Cole and Skyler volunteer to go get food and drink while Christophe opts
to stay and keeps an eye on the girls.
Luckily,
there's a bar/store nearby, and the two of them go in, not even noticing
that they've parked right next to that same snowblower that they blew past
on the way to the Rocky Summit. Perhaps they got a bit of a contact high
from Kirk. With no fear of retribution from the wronged driver, they head
inside to buy the essentials.
And what a
warm welcome they receive. Skyler's camera captures a whole cadre of
bug-eyed bar patrons, including the waitress, as played by Heather Graham.
Nah, I'm just kidding. That's not really Heather Graham. I just say that
about every blonde woman with a big forehead and a thyroid problem.
Anyway, Bud, the owner of the bar, gives them the requisite ominous
warning about the mountain:
"There's folks around here don't want you
nowhere's near that old place. ‘z dangerous. Evil…"
Hey thanks,
ol' timer. By the way, what kind of bar sells packaged food items? You
know what, never mind. As they're leaving Skyler catches the waitress
making eyes at him (big ol' eyes), and he tells Cole that she must be the
skier that he encountered while Cole was struggling with that rusty chain.
He also makes sure that Cole knows to what extent the young lady has
aroused his sexual frustration by humping air and saying that she was
"mega spank-worthy." What a delightful scamp. Suddenly, the blades on that
snowblower they parked in front of start spinning, giving the boys a good
scare.
Sadly,
Skyler did not fall out of the car and get his head caught in the sharp
auguring device. Cole remarks, "What an asshole." Oh, I get it; back when
they passed the guy on the road, they called him an asshole. That was
foreshadowing the scene when he would prove himself an asshole! Oh Greg
Hudson, you are the thinking man's director.
Later on,
the gang is playing a tiddlywinks-based drinking game, and things start to
heat up when Kimberly dares Pike to go commando, as the kids are saying
these days. Pike obliges, removing her bra and pulling it out of her
shirtsleeve. Kimberly than decides to one-up her by dethonging.
Cole seems a
little put off by her brashness, but the other guys seem to being enjoying
the spectacle, especially Skyler, who runs dangerously close to soiling
himself in his excitement. The revelry is interrupted, however, by a knock
at the door. At first, everyone assumes that it will be the Kirk's rival,
Chad, but it isn't. It's…
Johnny Law!
Yes, it seems that trespassing and breaking and entering are slightly more
illegal than originally thought. Fortunately, Robyn and Kimberly are able
to seduce the sheriff into forgetting about this whole "you're under
arrest" business.
Meanwhile,
Cole is desperate to stop his girlfriend from presenting like a mandrill,
and so he offers the sheriff a cool twenty dollars as a bribe. Skyler, his
camera ever present, captures the bribe on film, perhaps so that he can
blackmail Cole into paying for him to get a hooker.
Anyway, the lawman eventually leaves, and Kimberly explains to them why
they've broken into a ski resort that her family doesn't yet own, and why
it was closed in the first place: years ago, when the resort was still
open, a bunch of drunken snowboarders were harassing a little girl while
she was skiing, and she accidentally Sonny Bono'ed herself. Then, when the
police went to arrest the snowboarders, they mysteriously vanished. It
sounds to me like they just ran from the law, but for the film's sake,
let's just assume that the story has a more sinister overtone. Kimberly's
father is looking to buy the resort, and so Kimberly volunteered to take
her friends up to take a look at the place for him. Good story, no? No.
The sub par story is concluded with Robyn screaming that she saw someone
flit past the window. Could it be Chad? Could it be the horny sheriff,
hoping for one last look at Robyn's be-bra'ed boobies? All good questions,
and only Cole and Pike are gutsy enough to take a look.
Cole and
Pike get to talking outside, and Cole lets her know that he's ok with her
being a lesbian, and that he came to that conclusion by virtue of the fact
that her name rhymes with dyke. Pike responds by calling him an asshole. A
regular Abbott and Costello, those two. They don't manage to find the
source of the disturbance, but they do find a mysterious shed with a door
that is mysteriously unlocked, and button, mysteriously located on the
exterior of the building, that mysteriously restores power to the entire
resort with a single push. How lucky can they get? The whole time,
however, they are under the watchful eye of the evil serial killing skier.
Of course.
It all makes sense. They're being stalked by Dagon, the lord of the Deep
Ones! Oh, poor Cole. You came here hoping to score with your manipulative
girlfriend, but instead you'll be driven insane by cyclopean horrors
beyond your wildest imagination. Then again, maybe you and you're
buddies'll just get hacked up by some ordinary disgruntled skier. It's all
good as long as they kill the virgin and the "foreign" guy.
Later still,
while everyone is asleep, the skier appears and loosens the screws holding
together one of the foot… thingies on one of the snowboards. Listen, I
don't know all the terminology. The ski boot goes in it, right? Let's call
it a boothold. The masked skier loosens the boothold on one of the
boards.
Meanwhile,
Kimberly realizes that with Cole asleep, she has an opportunity to jump
the bones of the Italian/Frenchman. She changes out of her Little House on
the Prairie nightgown and into a red teddy. Unfortunately, Christophe is
nowhere to be found. Could it be that he's the killer? Oooh, creepy!
Almost as
creepy as that sheriff, who is still lurking around the chattel. I guess
he's just that much of a perv. Well, the good news is that the lecherous
sheriff is about to meet the skier in black. I wonder how their first
meeting will go…
Not too
well, it seems. I wish there was more to show you, but all you get is a
shot of the skier stabbing forward with the ice pick accompanied by a
squishing noise. No blood or gore or nuthin'. Well at least he's dead.
Christophe
can't be the killer, it seems, as he is too busy poking around this
rundown shanty looking for something. And it's not "a little action"
because he hides when Kimberly comes looking for him. He doesn't hide,
however, when Robyn, disappointed that Pike turned down her advances,
comes looking for him.
He surprises
her from behind and makes up some phony story about how he was searching
the chattel for her (and looked everywhere except for where she would be
sleeping). Still, Robyn is too deep in heat to see through his ruse. They
start making out, some soft core porn music starts playing, and you are
treated to a couple T ‘n A shots of Robyn. Which you, the reader, don't
get to see. If you really want to see ‘em, you go pay the rental fee like
I did for this double scoop of shit-flavored ice cream. Anyway, Kimberly
actually walks in on the two of them, but she decides to let the two love
birds dry hump in peace.
The next
morning, the gang reaches the unanimous conclusion that they should go
shredding. At first, there's some concern over Chad failing to show up the
previous night, but it is soon dismissed by their desire to shred, and
avoid being arrested for trespassing. And so, the slopes they did hit.
And Kirk
hits da chronic once again. He is kind enough not to bogart his joint as
Skyler tells him that if Chad were dead, Kirk would be receiving all of
his endorsements available to a snowboarder. At this point, I might as
well point out something that I didn't even realize until well after movie
had ended: Chad was the guy in the beginning who learned about the dangers
of flossing. So smoke away, Kirk. Your financial success is closer than
you think.
As they ride the chairlift that remained unused for years on end but
started up without fault after a convenient button push, they spot a sign
warning them not to jump off the lift. Of course, they're too stoned to
realize the danger, and so Kirk jumps right off and into more shredding
and punk music. Oddly enough, his shredding montage includes a couple
shots in which it is obvious that he has wiped out, and that it is not a
single successful run. Oh well, like I said, he's too high to care.
The others… there's some more lame jokes, and more friction between Cole
and Kimberly, and she gives him a little yellow walkie talkie. More of the
same boring crap, really. Let's get back to Kirk, now that his "run" is
over.
He's
happened upon a strange storage area, and still being quite high, he makes
his way right up to the entrance, uttering "whoa" and "hey" and "dude" and
every other line that made Keanu Reeves famous. He even adds an extra
"whoa" when he sees that a mysterious skier in black has crept up on him
with an ax in hand.
WILL KIRK
GET WHAT'S COMING TO HIM?
WILL SKYLER EVER GET LAID?
WILL ANY OF THESE LOSERS FIND WORK AGAIN?
