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Dr. Boogie


Dude!  Dude?

Kirk proves to be quite adept with that board, however, and he manages to stop his assailant's ax with it, remarking, "aw, gouge."

Aw, dude!!

The bad news is that he is too entranced by his ruined board to counter the skier's next move, namely a lethal thrust with an icicle that is lying loose on the ground. He gazes at the impaled icicle and groans, "ew, karma, bad." With that forgettable line, Kirk dies, and to add insult to fatal icicle stabbing, the skier hacks up Kirk's board.


Goodbye, Kirk. You were a pissant junkie, but at least your drugs kept your mouth shut most of the time.

Hey, I can show my boobs to him, too!

The skier, not one to rest on his laurels, hops onto the chairlift with Robyn. At first, Robyn is excited by the newcomer (a whole new person to show her breasts to), but the silent treatment quickly wears on her nerves. As she nags, the skier notices that she has a snowboard. You know what that means…

Observe the in-flight entertainment.

That's right, he's going to point out the rules to her! DUN DUN DUUN!!! Robyn quips, "whatever, we make our own rules, dude."


The skier insistently points out the sign, and even thrusts one of those skiing rule pamphlets into her face, but in the end, Robyn not only scoffs at the rules, but tosses the skier off the lift. It seems the murdering is working a lot better than the peaceful protesting.

Tall and creepy.  Just the way I like 'em!

Back in Virgin Country, Skyler meets up with another skier, one that is (unfortunately) not intent on killing him. Said skier turns out to be Shelley, the bug-eyed waitress from the bar. "Thanks for fixing my lift," she says. Oh, it wasn't me, it was my friend Pike. She's an EE, and she figured out that your problem was that nobody had hit the big red button on the front of that big shed. Suffice to say, the award dialogue really takes off from there. Neither of them are killed in this scene, so let's move on.


Robyn is just about to get off the chairlift. Then, for some retarded reason, she ties her scarf around her neck and around the lift itself. Well, her move proves to be somewhat more suicidal than she thought, and she winds up getting hung by her designer scarf. As she's struggling, she bumps into the little stop gate that hangs below the chairlift, and the whole thing stops.

Presenting the latest winner of the Darwin Award.

Fortunately, Shelley simply pushes the start button a few times, and everything is back to normal. And Robyn is dead. Forget about the fact that she "accidentally" hung herself, I'll bet the worst part of this for her is that she died without taking her shirt off and thrusting her boobs at someone. Good riddance, I say.

Check out these killer moguls!

Shelley and Skyler take a ride on the lift, and during the course of their increasingly awkward dialogue, she reveals that she's not wearing anything beneath her skiing gear. The thought of his new lady friend getting frostbite really gets Skyler's engine going, and soon, the two are locking lips hardcore. So hardcore, in fact, that they completely miss sight of Robyn's swinging corpse as it passes them on the chairlift.

Dude, he's totally gettin' chewed out! Killer!

The two lovebirds are soon stymied from any more heavy petting when they encounter Shelley's dad, Bud. He yells at his daughter and at the wormy fellow accompanying her. Afterward, he reiterates his earlier warning about the mountain to Skyler, and the virgin is courteous enough not to film his own out-chewing. And behind him, there's Christophe, who has chosen to abandon his attempt to teach Kimberly to sky, presumably because she was becoming too stuck up for his foreign sensibilities. Could he be lurking about because he's the killer? No, we saw that earlier, but let's pretend that it is a possibility, just like the idea that Robyn could accidentally hang herself with her scarf. Speaking of which…

Now THAT'S a scarf.
"Hey, are Robyn and Christophe with you?"

Cole and Pike stop to eat lunch, and Cole gives Kimberly a call. As he's talking with her, both he and Pike miss Robyn's hanging corpse as it passes by. I have to admit, this was damn funny. I even suspended my disbelief for a little while, putting aside questions like "how is that puny scarf still supporting the full weight of a human body?" at least for a little while.

Hey, a cop-sicle!

Once he shakes off the tongue lashing that Bud gave him, Skyler reunites with Cole and Pike to brag about his recent conquest. Neither believe him, and then it's more jokes about marijuana and celibacy. More importantly, though, the gang spots a snowman with an additional limb in the back. An asshand, if you will. Pike nonchalantly remarks that it's so fake-looking, but when she kicks the snowman over, she finds the frozen remains of the pervy sheriff. And if you look closely, you can see the sheriff's eye twitch ever so slightly as he poses for his glamour shot. High quality, people.

Anyway, that discovery has everyone thinking that Christophe must be the killer. Everyone except the audience. Still, let's just continue to pretend that we don't know better for the sake of suspense. Cole heads off on his own to find Kimberly, and Pike and Skyler team up to go searching for everybody else.

I'll interrogate him... with my breasts.

Unbeknownst to Cole, Kimberly is far from danger, as Christophe has promised to show her "a little surprise" in the form of a fully functional hot tub. Unfortunately for him, Kimberly has a surprise of her own: she managed to figure out that he is not the French… the Italian… the European he claimed to be with that cheesy accent. Also, he knew the location of a hot tub on a resort he's never been to. He sticks to his lie, however, and Kimberly is forced to take drastic measures, namely taking her top off and luring him into an embrace so she can snatch his wallet.

Turns out his real name is Chris Ramos and that he's from Fresno. He says that the resort was his "friend's parents' place" and that he needed to get into the lodge. For what reason, I wondered? He says, "I'm a killer" and that he thinks his friends were murdered. As it turns out, he was one of the snowboarders from the story about the tree-hugging little girl. He goes on to say that he and Shelley the waitress dated, AND that the little girl was Shelley's sister, AND that her dad totally hates snowboarders, AND that he came to the resort to try and prove that he killed his friends. Wow, I mean I knew his accent was a complete sham, but who'd a thunk that he helped kill that little girl, too. Indeed, his aggravated fibbery has gotten the rich girl very… anxious, for some reason. The two of them pop into the hot tub starkers. Oddly enough, the cameraman is still very careful not to show any part of Kimberly above a G-rating. You do get a tasteful shot of Chris(tophe)'s bottom, but that's it. Priorities, I guess.

Rule #14:  Leave your boards outside.

Meanwhile, Pike and Skyler have stumbled upon the… mine, where Kirk was killed. Within it: a bunch of those safety pamphlets, a music box, a few plastic dolls on the wall, and a handful of newspaper clippings: one about the little girl being killed, one about "snow surfing" being banned on Rocky Summit, and one about a women being killed by drunk driving teens, which seems out of place given the other two. They also find something else that is quite interesting…

He must have skied all the way to the morgue.
"Get a shot of this doll'n junk."

Pike discovers a really life-like doll of an ice-encrusted little girl. After a few seconds, though, it dawns on her that the "doll" is in fact a real girl. A real dead girl! Get it? Seriously, though, could this be the girl from the story and the newspaper clippings, and if so, why didn't the coroner come by to fetch her body? Mysteries abound here on Rocky Summit, but oh no, here comes the killer!!! And I don't mean Christophe!


Pike slams the door in his face, only to find that the door was the only thing keeping Kirk's frozen corpse propped up against the wall. The skier finally barges in and promptly trips over Kirk's corpse. Pike kicks him in the face, and then trips over Kirk's corpse herself. Skyler manages to avoid it alright, but he runs back to grab his camera. Bad move wormy.

Ow, that almost broke the skin!

The skier nails him in the thigh with a hatchet. Pike takes a note from Kirk's playbook and puts her board to good use, slapping the skier away. He pursues, but she continues to smack the crap out of him until he finally goes down for the count. With imminent staved off for a few more precious minutes, she grabs Skyler (who unfortunately is still alive) and they flee the scene.

No, we AREN'T having sex.
"I swear to God it's not what it looks like!"

Meanwhile, Kimberly is busy plying more info from Chris, and Cole walks in on the interrogation. Kimberly swears that it's not what it looks like. No, clearly you were just trying to subdue Chris by crushing his pelvis. Anyway, Cole gets the impression that the relationship is over and goes off to look for the others. Kimberly decides to pursue him, for what reason I can't imagine, and in a movement right out of a John Woo movie, she hops out of the hot tub and in the same motion, puts on the bottom of her bikini. Sure, it's mostly off-camera, but still, that would have been an impressive sight.

That leaves poor old Chris all by his lonesome in the hot tub. With the skier, who has managed to circle around Pike and Skyler and beat them to the hot tub. He starts talking to the killer, apparently recognizing the skier, and then gives a hammy cry for help before the skier beats him to death with a shovel.

This is for that accent!

I like how the first blow just stuns him. That's punishment for showing me your ass, "Christophe." Now you can do all the crappy accents you want in hell!

Pike and Skyler rendezvous with Cole and Kimberly, and the two swap stories, finally deducing that Christophe couldn't be the killer. Speaking of which, maybe they'd better go check on him…

This is why you never bring beer into the jacuzzi.
"Ok, it's not him. Let's get out of here."

Oh, ouch. I love Cole's reaction to the sight of Christophe face down in the tub. Still sore from seeing Chris screwing his girlfriend, he spots the corpse and reassures the others with the above line. And they are ok with it!! Pike grabs Kimberly's clothes and they head back out, leaving Chris's corpse to bleed quietly in the hot tub.

My precious ball of wires!

I don't know much about automotive repair, but apparently this tangle of wires means their truck has been disabled. God damn, that skier works fast. First, he recovers from a knockout snowboard swat and beats his attacker down the mountain, then he kills another thirty-something loser, and then he beats the entire group to the base of the mountain with enough time left to disable their truck. There's only one other thing that could make this more impressive…

A freaking snow ninja, that killer.

Oh yes, that's it. He grabbed Kirk's body, skied over and untied Robyn, and then hauled their bodies around as he ran all his other errands, and finally, he throws down the corpses and makes them do snow angels. Un-freaking-believable. Literally.



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