Kirk proves
to be quite adept with that board, however, and he manages to stop his
assailant's ax with it, remarking, "aw, gouge."
The bad news
is that he is too entranced by his ruined board to counter the skier's
next move, namely a lethal thrust with an icicle that is lying loose on
the ground. He gazes at the impaled icicle and groans, "ew, karma, bad."
With that forgettable line, Kirk dies, and to add insult to fatal icicle
stabbing, the skier hacks up Kirk's board.
Goodbye,
Kirk. You were a pissant junkie, but at least your drugs kept your mouth
shut most of the time.
The skier,
not one to rest on his laurels, hops onto the chairlift with Robyn. At
first, Robyn is excited by the newcomer (a whole new person to show her
breasts to), but the silent treatment quickly wears on her nerves. As she
nags, the skier notices that she has a snowboard. You know what that
means…
That's
right, he's going to point out the rules to her! DUN DUN DUUN!!!
Robyn quips, "whatever, we make our own rules, dude."
The skier
insistently points out the sign, and even thrusts one of those skiing rule
pamphlets into her face, but in the end, Robyn not only scoffs at the
rules, but tosses the skier off the lift. It seems the murdering is
working a lot better than the peaceful protesting.
Back in
Virgin Country, Skyler meets up with another skier, one that is
(unfortunately) not intent on killing him. Said skier turns out to be
Shelley, the bug-eyed waitress from the bar. "Thanks for fixing my lift,"
she says. Oh, it wasn't me, it was my friend Pike. She's an EE, and she
figured out that your problem was that nobody had hit the big red button
on the front of that big shed. Suffice to say, the award dialogue really
takes off from there. Neither of them are killed in this scene, so let's
move on.
Robyn is
just about to get off the chairlift. Then, for some retarded reason, she
ties her scarf around her neck and around the lift itself. Well, her move
proves to be somewhat more suicidal than she thought, and she winds up
getting hung by her designer scarf. As she's struggling, she bumps into
the little stop gate that hangs below the chairlift, and the whole thing
stops.
Fortunately,
Shelley simply pushes the start button a few times, and everything is back
to normal. And Robyn is dead. Forget about the fact that she
"accidentally" hung herself, I'll bet the worst part of this for her is
that she died without taking her shirt off and thrusting her boobs at
someone. Good riddance, I say.
Shelley and
Skyler take a ride on the lift, and during the course of their
increasingly awkward dialogue, she reveals that she's not wearing anything
beneath her skiing gear. The thought of his new lady friend getting
frostbite really gets Skyler's engine going, and soon, the two are locking
lips hardcore. So hardcore, in fact, that they completely miss sight of
Robyn's swinging corpse as it passes them on the chairlift.
The two
lovebirds are soon stymied from any more heavy petting when they encounter
Shelley's dad, Bud. He yells at his daughter and at the wormy fellow
accompanying her. Afterward, he reiterates his earlier warning about the
mountain to Skyler, and the virgin is courteous enough not to film his own
out-chewing. And behind him, there's Christophe, who has chosen to abandon
his attempt to teach Kimberly to sky, presumably because she was becoming
too stuck up for his foreign sensibilities. Could he be lurking about
because he's the killer? No, we saw that earlier, but let's pretend that
it is a possibility, just like the idea that Robyn could accidentally hang
herself with her scarf. Speaking of which…
"Hey, are Robyn and Christophe with you?"
Cole and
Pike stop to eat lunch, and Cole gives Kimberly a call. As he's talking
with her, both he and Pike miss Robyn's hanging corpse as it passes by. I
have to admit, this was damn funny. I even suspended my disbelief for a
little while, putting aside questions like "how is that puny scarf still
supporting the full weight of a human body?" at least for a little while.
Once he
shakes off the tongue lashing that Bud gave him, Skyler reunites with Cole
and Pike to brag about his recent conquest. Neither believe him, and then
it's more jokes about marijuana and celibacy. More importantly, though,
the gang spots a snowman with an additional limb in the back. An asshand,
if you will. Pike nonchalantly remarks that it's so fake-looking, but when
she kicks the snowman over, she finds the frozen remains of the pervy
sheriff. And if you look closely, you can see the sheriff's eye twitch
ever so slightly as he poses for his glamour shot. High quality, people.
Anyway, that discovery has everyone thinking that Christophe must be the
killer. Everyone except the audience. Still, let's just continue to
pretend that we don't know better for the sake of suspense. Cole heads off
on his own to find Kimberly, and Pike and Skyler team up to go searching
for everybody else.
Unbeknownst
to Cole, Kimberly is far from danger, as Christophe has promised to show
her "a little surprise" in the form of a fully functional hot tub.
Unfortunately for him, Kimberly has a surprise of her own: she managed to
figure out that he is not the French… the Italian… the European he claimed
to be with that cheesy accent. Also, he knew the location of a hot tub on
a resort he's never been to. He sticks to his lie, however, and Kimberly
is forced to take drastic measures, namely taking her top off and luring
him into an embrace so she can snatch his wallet.
Turns out his real name is Chris Ramos and that he's from Fresno. He says
that the resort was his "friend's parents' place" and that he needed to
get into the lodge. For what reason, I wondered? He says, "I'm a killer"
and that he thinks his friends were murdered. As it turns out, he was one
of the snowboarders from the story about the tree-hugging little girl. He
goes on to say that he and Shelley the waitress dated, AND that the little
girl was Shelley's sister, AND that her dad totally hates snowboarders,
AND that he came to the resort to try and prove that he killed his
friends. Wow, I mean I knew his accent was a complete sham, but who'd a
thunk that he helped kill that little girl, too. Indeed, his aggravated
fibbery has gotten the rich girl very… anxious, for some reason. The two
of them pop into the hot tub starkers. Oddly enough, the cameraman is
still very careful not to show any part of Kimberly above a G-rating. You
do get a tasteful shot of Chris(tophe)'s bottom, but that's it.
Priorities, I guess.
Meanwhile,
Pike and Skyler have stumbled upon the… mine, where Kirk was killed.
Within it: a bunch of those safety pamphlets, a music box, a few plastic
dolls on the wall, and a handful of newspaper clippings: one about the
little girl being killed, one about "snow surfing" being banned on Rocky
Summit, and one about a women being killed by drunk driving teens, which
seems out of place given the other two. They also find something else that
is quite interesting…
"Get a shot of this doll'n junk."
Pike
discovers a really life-like doll of an ice-encrusted little girl. After a
few seconds, though, it dawns on her that the "doll" is in fact a real
girl. A real dead girl! Get it? Seriously, though, could this be the girl
from the story and the newspaper clippings, and if so, why didn't the
coroner come by to fetch her body? Mysteries abound here on Rocky Summit,
but oh no, here comes the killer!!! And I don't mean Christophe!
Pike slams
the door in his face, only to find that the door was the only thing
keeping Kirk's frozen corpse propped up against the wall. The skier
finally barges in and promptly trips over Kirk's corpse. Pike kicks him in
the face, and then trips over Kirk's corpse herself. Skyler manages to
avoid it alright, but he runs back to grab his camera. Bad move wormy.
The skier
nails him in the thigh with a hatchet. Pike takes a note from Kirk's
playbook and puts her board to good use, slapping the skier away. He
pursues, but she continues to smack the crap out of him until he finally
goes down for the count. With imminent staved off for a few more precious
minutes, she grabs Skyler (who unfortunately is still alive) and they flee
the scene.
"I swear to God it's not what it looks like!"
Meanwhile,
Kimberly is busy plying more info from Chris, and Cole walks in on the
interrogation. Kimberly swears that it's not what it looks like. No,
clearly you were just trying to subdue Chris by crushing his pelvis.
Anyway, Cole gets the impression that the relationship is over and goes
off to look for the others. Kimberly decides to pursue him, for what
reason I can't imagine, and in a movement right out of a John Woo movie,
she hops out of the hot tub and in the same motion, puts on the bottom of
her bikini. Sure, it's mostly off-camera, but still, that would have been
an impressive sight.
That leaves poor old Chris all by his lonesome in the hot tub. With the
skier, who has managed to circle around Pike and Skyler and beat them to
the hot tub. He starts talking to the killer, apparently recognizing the
skier, and then gives a hammy cry for help before the skier beats him to
death with a shovel.
I like how
the first blow just stuns him. That's punishment for showing me your ass,
"Christophe." Now you can do all the crappy accents you want in hell!
Pike and Skyler rendezvous with Cole and Kimberly, and the two swap
stories, finally deducing that Christophe couldn't be the killer. Speaking
of which, maybe they'd better go check on him…
"Ok, it's not him. Let's get out of here."
Oh, ouch. I
love Cole's reaction to the sight of Christophe face down in the tub.
Still sore from seeing Chris screwing his girlfriend, he spots the corpse
and reassures the others with the above line. And they are ok with it!!
Pike grabs Kimberly's clothes and they head back out, leaving Chris's
corpse to bleed quietly in the hot tub.
I don't know
much about automotive repair, but apparently this tangle of wires means
their truck has been disabled. God damn, that skier works fast. First, he
recovers from a knockout snowboard swat and beats his attacker down the
mountain, then he kills another thirty-something loser, and then he beats
the entire group to the base of the mountain with enough time left to
disable their truck. There's only one other thing that could make this
more impressive…
Oh yes,
that's it. He grabbed Kirk's body, skied over and untied Robyn, and then
hauled their bodies around as he ran all his other errands, and finally,
he throws down the corpses and makes them do snow angels.
Un-freaking-believable. Literally.
HOW CAN
ANYONE MOVE THAT FAST?
HOW COME NOBODY SAW ROBYN UNTIL A MINUTE AGO?
HOW LONG MUST WE WAIT BEFORE THE REST OF THESE SCUMBAGS ARE DEAD?
