by: Dr. Boogie
It was announced to day that beloved video game character and notable whip
enthusiast, Simon Belmont, has passed away at the ripe old age of 62. He was
found dead in his home of a blow caused by one of his throwing crosses. The
funeral will be held outside of Dracula’s castle once it pops out of the ground
again. He is survived by dozens of children (more depending on how well the next
game does), and few people who aren’t technically related, but still kill
monsters with whips and such.
Simon in tip top shape.
In all the video game world, no one character was best known for slaying the
undead than Simon Belmont of Castlevania fame. Some have argued that Mario is a
better-known slayer of the undead for his work in ridding the world of mansions
full of spherical ghosts that refused to look you in the eye, but they are quick
to retract their words when reminded of the fact that Mario has never bedded the
woman he has fought so hard to save time and time again. A native of rural
Romania, Simon Belmont is more than likely the least offensive ethnic character
ever turned out by Nintendo, having neither an over-the-top accent nor a
collection of bizarre spin-off games to shame his family’s name.
For years, Belmont had been a hero to all of Romania for freeing them from the
plague of Dracula every time he would come back from the dead for whatever
reason. However, that respect waned over the years, as people no longer felt
that there was a question as to whether or not they would be saved from Dracula.
Sources close to the vampire killer say that he had long been depressed over
being constantly ridiculed for carrying a whip and traipsing about in a metal
skirt. His self-esteem was further lowered when local villagers began to mock
his circa 1980 headband. He struggled to ward off such criticism, saying that it
not only looked cool, but also helped keep his brow free from sweat he worked up
from all the whippings he dealt during the course of a day.
Simon endures more taunting.
Worse yet, at the age of 40, his cardiologist informed him that he would need to
cut back on his helpings of "leg of werewolf" if wanted to live long enough to
defeat Dracula again. He resisted, saying that he would not feel as mighty if he
were to break open a wall and feast on the plateful of tofu that appeared.
Eventually, he chose to adopt a healthier diet rather than give up doing what he
loved to do: walk around in tombs, clock towers, and the occasional flooded cave
looking for trouble.
No "leg of wolf" here Simon. From now on, it's salad for you.
The final straw, however, came last summer during one of Simon’s weekend trips
to the castle. While snuffing out candles with his whip (another of his favorite
pastimes), the hero was stricken by a horrible wrist cramp, and was forced to
leave early. Doctors informed him that he had Repetitive Stress Injury in his
wrist from his constant recreational whipping. This was all too much for the
hero. Having already staved off a curse laid upon him by Dracula, AND undergone
a change in his diet just so he could continue his work as savior of Romania, he
could find no reason to go on with life. So, a week later, he took his own life
with one of his famous boomerang-style throwing crosses (which he affectionately
dubbed “cross-erangs”).
Simon Belmont's body was discovered by town locals who noticed
that he hadn't interrupted their daily aimless wanderings.
His suicide was a shock to all those that knew the hero
personally. They have all taken time out from their busy schedules to speak
their minds about the tragedy:
Fleaman
Occupation: Puny stock bad guy
“I remember the good old days with Simon. Back then, I would jump at him
whenever he was close enough, and he’d just whip my tiny ass right out of the
air. Sigh, I hope I still have a job here now that he’s gone. It’s hard enough
trying to find work as a spry midget, let alone an evil spry midget.”
Dracula
Occupation: Owner, proprietor of Castlevania; evil vampire-type person
“He killed himself? Wow. I mean sure, I’d see him accidentally kill himself when
he forgot to jump over various pits and sharp things, but it was all a joke back
then; He’d die, then he’d spring back to life, then he’d come up here and kill
me, then I would come back in a few years, he’d come after me again, and
everything would be just fine. Oh, what am I going to do with myself?! Waaaaa!!!”
Death
Occupation: The guy just before Dracula
“Hey, don’t look at me like that! His being dead is not my fault, dammit! I
mean, come on. Look at me! I work underneath a mere vampire! What kind of
deliverer of death works underneath someone?”
Mummy
Occupation: Shambling corpse
“I don’t know what that guy’s problem was. Things start getting a little
difficult and he calls it quits. Hell, all I can do is stumble around and
throw dirty bandages at people, but I never let that get me down. No siree.
Sigh…”
Merman
Occupation: Bottom feeder
“Man, that guy was such a jerk. I mean, yes, he’d whip us to death just like
everybody else, but this one time, he came down and peed in our nice underground
lake! What kind of a depraved person would do that? I have to live in that
water, dammit!”
Bone Pillar
Occupation: Trash receptacle
“Oh man, I can’t believe he’s finally dead. He was the best. He’s the guy who
originally told me that I always start flashing just before I shoot fireballs at
people. Frankly, I think it’s the other head’s fault. I’m gonna miss that guy. I
still have the axe he used to break my skull open the first time we met.”
Axe Knight
Occupation: Minor league pitcher
“He’s dead? Good. That rat bastard was muscling in on my axe-throwing territory.
I guess we know now who still has the mad axe-throwing skizzills. Booyah!”
Giant Bat
Occupation: First level boss/cannon fodder
“I can’t believe he’s actually dead. I just heard about it this morning when I
was preparing to get my ass kicked again. Who else out there is going to come by
the castle and beat the hell out of me, all the while enjoying my huge smile?
That little punk, DigDug? I don’t think so.”
Gargoyle
Occupation: Bouncer
“Things were always so boring when he wasn’t around. I mean, I’d go up to the
other ghouls and start spitting fire and jumping around like I had Parkinson’s,
but they’d just roll their eyes. That guy, he paid attention. Sure, I didn’t
like getting a knife thrown into my skull, but in the end, wasn’t it worth it?”
Town Priest
Occupation: Bible beater
“Glad to hear that ungrateful son of a bitch finally killed himself. You know he
never once thanked me for healing his stupid ass whenever he would come in all
cut and bruised from fighting skeletons and floating eyes and crap like that. Oh
well, his daily appearances brought in more people from the town to worship, and
that meant more tithes. Enough so that I was finally able to buy that nice
church on the lake.”
Female Townsperson
Occupation: Wanderer
“He’s dead? I can’t believe I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye. I remember the
first time I saw him walk into town. He looked like he had a purpose. Not like
the rest of the ‘men’ in town, who just stumble around outside their homes until
nightfall. Oh, and he was so handsome. I made sure to tell him that every single
time he spoke to me. It’s too bad we never got together to make some little
Vampire Killers.”
Merchant
Occupation: Specialty store owner
“His recent suicide is really going to put a damper on my business. It was bad
enough that I was only selling one item at a time, but it certainly didn’t help
that I hid my store by walling myself up inside of empty houses. Still, I could
always count on him to bust in and buy a clove of garlic. Maybe I’ll start
carrying other spices as well…”
Crystal Knight
Occupation: Rock trader
“Have I ever shown you this crystal I got from a trade I made with him? Sure,
it’s not as potent as the one I gave to him, but look at the color! Blue! I used
to have a white one that I got from him, too, but I crushed it into a fine
powder and snorted it a while back. What? Hey, you try standing in one place for
days, waiting for some weirdo with a whip to come by! You’ll be in need of a
little something extra, too!”
|
He will be missed.
Goodbye, Simon. We’ll miss you, even though your children are more powerful than
you and have better special moves. You came first, even though we were later
told that there were other people in your family that came before you. You
taught us that when a problem comes along, you must whip it. Whip it good.
Email Dr. Boogie
Already missing Simon?
See him in action one last time in...
Castlevania 2: Priest
Battle
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