by: Dr. Boogie

...CONTINUED

Shannon pulls an immediate about-face and knocks Harry into the corner. Karli tries to stop Ron by screaming like an idiot and waving the knife around, but it does little good. That's when Harry steps in and...

BEATS HIM WITH RICK'S SEVERED HEAD!!!

This actually happened. In a horror movie. And it worked! Harry knocks Ron off his feet, and the two girls flee the house. Around the third hit, though, Ron learns the pattern and starts beating Harry severely. And in slow motion. Finally, Harry gets the coup de grace.

He's tossed out the window, to the horror of Karli and Shannon. Such a shame. He and Karli would've made such a cute, dumb couple.

Between the two of them, Shannon and Karli manage to board a kayak and paddle out of the boathouse. They try not to look at Rick and Michael's mutilated corpses, but Shannon doesn't try very hard. She looks, and becomes all the more hysterical.

Still, they made it. The killer is nowhere in sight, although from what we've seen thus far, it wouldn't surprise me to see him come roaring by in a power boat he stole.

Oh, that's right. I forgot that Ron was also a Navy SEAL. He manages to swim out to the kayak and grab onto a cord running out the back. I can't fault them for not looking back. They probably thought they would hear Ron swimming after them if he intended to pursue them. I know I did.

Doesn't matter now, though. Ron tips the kayak over and dumps the girls out. They both struggle to get back in, but Ron is there to grab them. It's a tense sequence, though somewhat ruined by the fact that you can see the chase boat in one of the shots.

If you're going to shoot a movie, make sure you've got someone looking through the camera. It makes it easier to catch stuff like this.

Anyway, Karli gets punched in the face as the three of them struggle. She's out cold, and Ron turns to focus on finishing off Shannon. Which he does.

Shannon is definitely dead, and we saw an unconscious Karli sink below the surface. Movie's over, right? Oh, I wish it was.

Karli is alive, and back at the lake house. Dwight's there, too. Karli screams when she sees him, probably because she thought he was still alive and getting ready to cheat on her again.

The terror continues when she discovers that her captor is none other than Ron Zombie, Canada's answer to Rob Zombie. He's going to force her to watch his new remake of "They Live!" Before he does, however, he needs to go grab something.

While he's gone, we learn that Harry is still alive. Looks like he's just as good at sneaking as Ron. Karli catches him up on the current "who's still alive" tally, but Harry can't get her untied before Ron gets back.

The fiend! He's raiding the fridge! He silently offers Karli an apple. When she refuses, he crams it into Dwight's mouth. I'll bet she wished she could've done that to him while he was alive.

At last, Jimmy returns to the scene. He gets a little worried when he sees Dwight's Porsche still parked out front, and he gets a lot worried when he spots the fake-looking cop car. He scurries around to the back, shouting and banging on every door he can find, until he finds the back door open.

While he's doing that, Harry returns and frees Karli. Together, the two of them limp their way out of the house, opting to leave Jimmy to his fate at the hands of the killer. What a swell couple of kids.

Jimmy keeps on searching and shouting until he happens upon Dwight's body. At that point, he switches over to invoking the names of various holy figures, until Ron harpoons him.

He looks so happy to have his crowbar back.

Personally, I think this was their plan all along: get Jimmy killed, and run off while the killer is distracted.

It sure seems to be working for them now. They check Jimmy's truck for keys, but no luck. Thankfully, the fake cops left the keys in the ignition of their fake cop car. Worst cops ever.

It all worked out, though. Harry and Karli have a set of wheels, and they're speeding their way to safety.

This guy is the fastest, quietest serial killer out there. And he has no trouble keeping his balance while standing on a moving car. He starts stabbing his crowbar through the roof, and we get to enjoy more shitty CGI.

The best part: when he stabs through, you can see out the windows that the car isn't moving at all. You can even see a branch being waved past the camera at certain times.

But all good things must come to an end. They careen down the long drive for a few seconds before veering off and crashing into a tree.

The engine explodes, and Ron goes a'flyin'. They completely lose sight of him. It's entirely possible that he's back on his feet, waiting for them to get out of the car so he...

Oh.

Turns out when they hit the tree, he went off, and he went up, impaling himself on a thick tree branch. After a few seconds, the branch gives way and he falls back down. And that's all she...

For cryin' out loud...

So Harry beats him to death with a rock.

Harry winds up, comes down, some explosion sound effects play, and we see Ron's hand twitching. It's a shocking display of violence. It's shocking because smashing Ron's skull open doesn't spill any blood or brains on Harry. Shocking.

So that's it for...

JUST DIE ALREADY!! GEEZ!

So that's the real end of the movie. Harry and Karli limp down the driveway, and we hear some sirens in the distance. Could it be that the police finally decided to check up on the two missing officers? Maybe it's the real police, coming by to bust those two guys for impersonating cops.

This was the kind of movie that leaves you wondering why. Why were the characters doing so much stupid shit? Why did the director paint a Chevrolet Celebrity black and call it a cop car? Why did this horror movie shy away from violence and nudity? Why was this movie called "Sleepover Nightmare" when all the daytime killing ended the sleepover before it even began? And hell, why was the killer killing? Do trampolines set him off? Did Karli remind him of Loretta? Why!?

The credits did have some interesting notes. In particular, the list of cast and crew was dwarfed by the list of "partygoers" who appeared in the movie. And that huge list was followed by another huge list, this one of "picture vehicles provided by".

But most damning of all was what I saw near the very end of the credits: Sleepover Nightmare was filmed in British Columbia with funding from the "Canadian Film or Video Production Tax Credit". I've never had much of an opinion on the Canadian government, but now I know they're up to no good.

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