Features

The Star Wars Holiday Special!
by: -RoG-

...CONTINUED

Now we've arrived at yet another bizarre segment that I refer to as, "The Julia Childs on Crack" scene. In an attempt to get her mind on something else than her missing shaggy carpet, er husband, Malla decides to start following a cooking program. Chef Gormaanda (played by Harvey Korman, the funny guy from the old "Carol Burnett Show") is on the screen preparing to make a tasty meal called the Bantha Surprise. "It's not only a very hearty, nourishing dish, but it's very economical, too. So all those hungry mouths in your household will be going yummy yum for their tummy tum if you just follow along with me as I prepare this popular favorite." But following Chef Gormaanda is a bit harder than you might think.

After describing how the Bantha loin and Bantha rump are very tasty, Chef Gormaanda cuts them up into bite-size morsels and throws them into the pot with some other made-up alien seasonings. That's when the madness begins. "Stir, stir, stir, stir, stir, stir stir!" Gormaanda exclaims as she stirs the pot. Then with the other hand she begins to whip. "Stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, stir!" You can tell Malla is already having trouble keeping up when Chef Gormaanda decides to increase the tempo. She's moving so fast now that her hair is flying all over the place.

"Stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, stir!
Stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, stir, waaaaaah!!
"

Malla starts crying out in a panic as she tries to keep up with Chef Gormaanda, when all of a sudden, another arm appears from inside the chef's outfit.

"Stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, stir, beat!" she shouts as the meal of madness instruction continues along. Soon, another arm appears from Gormaanda so that she can taste the meal while she's making it. Finally, Malla decides she's had enough of trying to keep up with the 4-armed psycho chef, turns off the screen, and finishes making the "Bantha Surprise" on her own.

Meanwhile, just as the Millennium Falcon comes out of hyperspace, they realize they've just ended up in the center of an Imperial convoy. Looks like they're gonna have to fight their way out of this situation. Why they don't just make the jump to light speed again is beyond me, but I'm sure there's some Star Wars geek out there who knows every nook and cranny of the Millennium Falcon's flight capabilities. That person will probably email me a 10-page essay/rant on why making the jump to light speed so quickly after coming out of hyperspace is impossible. If only they had a flux capacitor in the Millennium Falcon. I'm sure that last statement made the heads of some hardcore sci-fi fans explode. Good.

Anyway, they gun down a TIE Fighter with the remote cannons. I thought the Falcon only had manual cannons, but I guess that's yet another rant for some Star Wars historian to send me an angry email about. Well, the cannons suddenly go offline for no apparently reason. while Han goes back to operate them manually, Chewie just sits there and does what he does best... makes a lot of noise.

Back in the tree house, the Wookiee family are interrupted by an Imperial Officer on the screen announcing that martial law has gone into effect and that no ships will be permitted to land or take-off until further notice. Guess that's gonna delay Chewbacca a bit longer. Oh no! But what about Life Day? They're doomed!

Saundan arrives at their home shortly after bearing gifts for all of them. While Lumpy and Malla go off to look at their gifts, Saundan has a very special gift for old man Itchy. Yes, he's brought Itchy the gift of Wookiee porn. I know, I know, this was supposed to be a family special... but I shit you not, this is clearly the gift of Wookiee porn. Just you wait and see.

While this chair looks like something you'd find in a futuristic Wookiee salon, I assure you it's no hair dryer. What you're looking at is the latest advancement in the porn industry. Just pop the porno disc into the chair, put the visor over your head and it's off you go to a world of virtual Wookiee porn.

Meet Mermeia (played by Diahann Carroll who you might remember from the show "Dynasty"), the hologram fantasy of every Wookiee in the galaxy. She does her best to talk in a soft, sexy voice... "Am found in your eyes only eyes only. I am in your mind as you create me. Ohhh yes... I can feel my creation... Oh... oh... we are excited, aren't we? I'll tell you a secret... I find you adorable! I am your fantasy... I am your experience... so experience me. I am your pleasure... so enjoy me!"

Unfortunately, it fails in the most horrible way imaginable when they constantly cut back to shots of grandpa Wookiee grunting and rotating his jaw. And while you're thinking about this, just imagine the kids, the young Star Wars fans seeing this on TV.

NO.

NO.

NO.

NOOOOOOOOOO!

I don't know what else to say except that this scene has completely shattered my soul. All my happy childhood memories of Star Wars? Vaporized. Hope for a better tomorrow? Gone. The eye of the tiger? I just plucked it out and stomped on it in hopes that I'll never see an atrocity like this again for as long as I live.

Now it's Princess Leia's turn to appear in the holiday special, but at least her scene isn't some reused footage from the movie. She is calling to wish the Wookiee's a happy Life Day, but soon realizes that Malla is upset after C3-PO tells her that Chewbacca hasn't arrive yet. Leia then speaks with Saundan to make sure he'll look after them until Chewbacca gets home. With scenes like this one and Mark Hamill's, you get the feeling that they didn't have any ideas for what their characters could do in the show. As a result, they just wrote something real quick to ensure that all of the most popular characters made at least one appearance during the special.

Chewbacca and Han Solo somehow make it through all the security on the planet (don't ask me how, they just do) and decide to land on the North side because it's safer. This means they'll have to walk a little ways to get to Chewie's house, but at least they'll be ok. As the Millennium Falcon flies over the trees, the Wookiee family hears the ship and they get all excited because dad is almost home. Shortly after there's a knock on the door and they assume it must be Chewbacca. But wait! Oh no! It's the Stormtrooper bad guys and they're going door-to-door inspecting every home for Rebel activity per Darth Vader's instructions! Fortunately for the Wookiees, Saundan is there to talk his head off in an attempt to make the bad guys less suspicious.

While the Imperials continued to search their home, Malla picked up the portable hologram player that Saundan gave her to move it. The stormtroopers aim their guns at Malla, but Saundan steps in to save the day and shows the Imperial Guard that it's just a harmless hologram show. Actually, considering the performance, I'd say a weapon would be more harmless. Yes indeed, it's none other than Jefferson Starship!

Oh how the Imperial Guard loves the homoerotic performances of Jefferson Starship!


"Will you light the sky on fire? Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Will you light tonight like you did the night before, babe!
You take me higher than the diamonds in the sky!
Take me, light in the sky and we'll vanish without a trace!
And we'll all see god then.
"

All in all, it's pretty much the worst Jefferson Starship song I've ever heard. "We Built This City" it is not. "Sara" it is not. "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" it is not. It's just some horribly performed song in which the entire band is glowing pink, and the singer performs way off key while he holds his phallic glowing pink mic. You know something? I think I'm actually starting to miss those jugglers.

WILL THE WOOKIEES FINALLY GET SOME BETTER TASTE IN MUSIC?
CONTINUE TO PAGE 3 TO SEE! CLICK HERE!

 

Reader Comments

Pickled Patriarch
Dec 7th, 2009, 12:43 PM
As part of our ongoing holiday season, I went ahead and updated my old article about the Star Wars Holiday Special from years ago and put it into the new site template so you guys can finally comment it on here! After all, who wouldn't want to talk about things like "Life Day" and that insanely creepy grandpa Wookie?
Forum Virgin
Dec 7th, 2009, 01:34 PM
I saw the Rifftrax version of this pile. It didn't help.
Is a RoboCop.
Dec 7th, 2009, 01:43 PM
I loved that Hasbro released a Holiday Special version of Boba Fett a couple years ago. It wasn't just a straight up repaint either, they gave him the blaster pistol and vibro rod thing that he had in the cartoon. Sometimes when I'm alone I like to tape him to my back and pretend I'm a happy flipper monster that eats spaceships.
The face of trapped wind.
Dec 7th, 2009, 02:00 PM
I always liked how the list of guest stars was more or less a who's who of who's availiable.
Clap if you love Dynamo
Dec 7th, 2009, 02:31 PM
This special was so bad it became an experience. I made a friend watch it with me when I got my copy, because for something this bad, one must not experience it alone.

And yes, Bea Arthur was probably the only real entertaining part of this special (no disrespect to Harvey Korman, but after Blazing Saddles, High Anxiety, History of the World: Part 1, and The Carol Burnett Show, I expect better from him, and you could tell he had little to work with and did even less with it)

EDIT: Side note, every copy of this I have ever seen has all these cool commercials from the 70s, and it doesn't take long till you look forward to these old commercials :P
Forum Virgin
Dec 7th, 2009, 06:45 PM
I'm trying to picture the Wookie Sears or Home Depot that sells ovens and appliances to Chewbacca's family. Was there a Wookie Ikea to buy the bookshelves?
Deadly Towers Survivor
Dec 7th, 2009, 06:50 PM
To quote River City Ransom: BARF!
Fanboy
Dec 7th, 2009, 11:24 PM
Just gets more unwatchable every year.
As u wish...
Dec 8th, 2009, 01:52 AM
i remember this when it first ran....as a child, this was the best thing ever...there were no vhs tapes, so the only way you could watch Star Wars id if it was re-released in theaters! and this was before Empire Strikes back. so for all the cheese it is NOW, back then it was great! sure its horrid and painful now, but jeeesuhs, what WASNT in the late 70's??
Psychobabble Debate Champ
Dec 8th, 2009, 04:47 AM
Horrible, but it just goes to show you how young television still was at that point. Could you possibly imagine, say, an episode of "Dexter" thrown together with test scenes, totally random clips inserted, a digital still of Michael Hall spouting a catchphrase, then 15 minutes of looping murder scenes??

Lucas tossed this abortion on primetime TV, and they just went "Uh, what?" and moved along. WOW.

And old commercials were just awesome, especially from the 70's. Very strange, but appealing.
Forum Virgin
Dec 8th, 2009, 04:55 AM
Ah the Star Wars Holiday Special was one of the first articles that my husband and I read on I-Mockery. Not long after reading this we went and hunted down a copy of this travesty to see for ourselves. How bad could it be we thought, what could go wrong, its just a movie. By the time we got to grandpa Itchy and his space porn my eyes hurt, as if they wished to rip themselves out of my head and slap me for making them watch something so vile. I couldn't go on after that, my husband tried but he didn't get much farther. We haven't spoken of it since and I'm glad. I'll read about how bad it is all day, but I just can't watch it again. I...I just can't.

Also, am I the only one who hoped that Darth Vader would come in and choke Lumpy or throw him out of the tree house? I hope I'm not.
Magic squirrel
Dec 8th, 2009, 06:31 AM
Actuly Lucas really had nothing to do with this, he was only 1 of 6(!) writers. He also didn't really see anything until the end result and he was disappointed as I quote:

"George Lucas himself has rarely commented on or even acknowledged its existence, except to friends and co-workers. He is thought to hold a low opinion of it. For instance, Tom Burman, one of the costume designers for the holiday special, has said that Lucas once told him that he was very disappointed with the final product."

However this made me laugh:

"At one Australian fan convention he reportedly said "If I had the time and a sledgehammer, I would track down every copy of that show and smash it." In an online chat with fans, he reportedly said: "The holiday special does not represent my vision for Star Wars." In an interview with Maxim magazine in May 2002, Maxim asked the question, "Any plans for a Special Edition of the Holiday Special?" Lucas responded with "Right. That's one of those things that happened, and I just have to live with it."

I hear you George (*cough* Re-release of the origonal trilogy with added content anyone)
I am Johnny Luchador
Dec 8th, 2009, 12:12 PM
I think I comment on this every year you post it. I just remember my brother like spending a ton of damn money for this "novelty" star wars item that is really hard to get a copy of on vhs. Then he pretty much forced me to watch this crap. I just remember at the end of it saying to him, " this is the dumbest film I think I've seen since the movie Tale of a Vampire with Julian Sands..." It either really hurt his feelings, or he realized that being a star wars nerd is pretty dumb to constantly obsess a movie that is like 20+ years old. After that my brother decided Star Wars was no longer cool. Glad I stopped his obsession. Anyone else need a star wars bitch slap, just hit up ol Johnny Luchador.
Last of the Time Lords
Dec 8th, 2009, 12:31 PM
I don't get why they couldn't do a real scene with Darth Vader. I mean, no offense to David Prowse, but all you really need to film such a scene is a Vader costume and James Earl Jones to provide the voice.

They had Jones, and that should have been the expensive part, right? I mean, didn't they have any Vader costumes lying around? They had access to the C-3PO and Chewbacca outfits, and even made a few new costumes. It wouldn't be the "proper" Vader without Prowse, but do you really think they would care for a special like this?
Turrican't. :(
Dec 8th, 2009, 01:13 PM
The video quality is bad because TSWHS has been bootlegged to hell and back spanning an entire generation of recordable media. Copies of copies and such. It also doesn't help that the source material is a 70's TV show, probably even Criterion couldn't fix something like that.
'
Battlechess was actually a Commodore Amiga game that was ported to the 3DO, this 3DO version was then ported to PC.


Other than that, you're right on the money, this special is shit.
pickled
Dec 9th, 2009, 06:22 AM
om nom nom nom nom
Riot Control
Dec 9th, 2009, 10:03 PM
Saundan himself looks like a mad toymaker.
Forum Virgin
Nov 12th, 2011, 08:22 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pentegarn View Post
This special was so bad it became an experience. I made a friend watch it with me when I got my copy, because for something this bad, one must not experience it alone.
This has become a tradition with a friend of mine. I introduced him to it, and we now celebrate christmas with a viewing of the Star Wars Holiday Special.

This year I am creating wookie subtitles as a .srt file, which I will distribute when it's finished.
Forum Virgin
Nov 12th, 2011, 08:24 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pentegarn View Post
This special was so bad it became an experience. I made a friend watch it with me when I got my copy, because for something this bad, one must not experience it alone.
I introduced a star wars fan of mine to this, and a viewing of it has since become a traditional part of christmas for us.

This year I am creating wookie subtitles as a .srt file, which I will distribute to everyone when they are finished.
505, Inferno505
Nov 24th, 2011, 11:47 PM

Pain

I watched just someone reviewing this with my dad, and he still doesn't believe it exists.
Forum Virgin
Dec 19th, 2013, 09:59 PM
I saw it, and I couldn't stop laughing. It also turns out that my dad once had the record before selling it. I can't imagine just who would want to buy the record for this atrocity, though.
SUGGEST THIS TO A FRIEND!
Recipient Email Address:
Your Name:
Your Email Address:
      

Click here to return to the Features homepage