Meet Assistant Warden… Well, just Assistant Warden. His pinching hook arm
actually works, although not very well, as you watch him scratch at his
plate for a moment trying to pick up a piece of steak. Forget the claw,
though. What's even more noteworthy about the Assistant Warden is that
there appears to be shelves of pornography all over his office.
Weird, huh? I guess that's how he lost his hand. Anyway, a guard reads
Ricky's file, saying that after doing poorly in primary and high school,
he joined a music school, but then disappeared when he was a senior.
Curious, the AW grabs his glass eye out of the glass of water he was
drinking and demands to know what happened to Ricky in the two years that
he went missing. With no answer forthcoming, he returns to his desk and
tells Ricky about a letter that just came for him, complete with a picture
of a pretty girl. He invites Ricky to take a look, and…
He nails him to the table. With Ricky's hand firmly locked in place, the
AW starts hurling questions at him. Questions… and punches!
But Ricky proves an unyielding pillar of untalkitude, opening his mouth
only to spit a cloud of blood at the AW. Then, however, the AW makes a
remark about Ricky's girlfriend.
That there is the line, buddy. Ricky was fine with having a hook through
his hand, and he didn't mind having a fat man's fist shoved into his face,
but make vague threats about his girlfriend, and he goes off.
He snaps the table in half with his impaled hand, backhands one of the
guards, and then, when the AW tries to shoot him, he picks up a plate off
of the ground and hurls it at the window. Somehow, the plate winds up
taking the bullet for him, even though it was nowhere near the path of the
bullet. Wow, Chi Kun is amazing. With the bullet "deflected," all that's
left is to disarm the AW. Fortunately, he saves Ricky the trouble by
dropping his gun for some reason. Perhaps he thought it would be pointless
to try and shoot Ricky while he was anywhere near a plate. Whatever the
case, it's time for Ricky to execute a classic martial arts cliché: the
Ooh, intense. A little less intense on account of the porno in the
background, but it's better than Ricky's last few attempts at
intimidation. With his point made, Ricky grabs the picture of his
girlfriend and leaves the AW's office. Back at his cell, which he
apparently returned to himself, he produces a flute from his vest and
starts having a flashback as he plays.
God, he was such a yuppie back then. Here, he's flying a remote controlled
plane with his best girl, "Anne". A fun afternoon for them, I suppose.
Suffice to say, this little bit of romance is more disgusting than
watching a gallon of tomato sauce pour out of the fat guy's belly.
The next day, trouble is brewing for the bald thug who used to work for
the captain whose torso was blasted by Ricky. As fate would have it, he's
an informant, and the other prisoners aren't too happy about this. The
scene starts with him finishing up in the bathroom and singing a little
diddy to himself as he leaves. A good number of prisoners are waiting for
him in the hall (the prison apparently has an open door policy). When he
gets to the stairwell, a group of them confront him about his fink-dom.
It's a tense situation, but lucky for our bald friend, the group has come
up with a short list of what he has to do for forgiveness:
1. Eat shit.
2. Lick their shoes clean.
The list would have been longer, but one of group members isn't keen on
the idea of forgiveness (and thank god he interrupted, as I'll bet the
director would have tried to include a shit-eating sequence).
Oh man, I wish I could get me one of those. The troublemaker, "Andrew",
isn't interested in getting a free shoe-cleaning, and wants the rat dead.
The informant pleads for his life and wets himself in the process. Oh, I
was overjoyed at getting to se urine dripping out of the guy's pants, but
it just didn't seem like a shot worthy of your collective eyeballs.
There's more trouble afoot, however. Oscar's wimpy manservant arrives on
the scene and makes a pitiful attempt to take Andrew's… saw thingie. Oscar
follows, takes the weapon himself, and gives Andrew a lecture about how
it's his job to mete out punishment. Andrew just has to push the point,
and when he criticizes Oscar's stance on the issue, Oscar metes out some
It doesn't really look that bad, but I suppose he'll bleed to death, what
with all that red goop pouring out of his face.
Meanwhile, the AW is watching the whole thing from the stair's upper
landing, and claps after Oscar kills Andrew. Well, he claps in the only
way that a one-handed man can clap: by banging his hook on the railing.
After coming down to congratulate Oscar on a job well done, he hooks
Andrew in the mouth and drags him off.
So long, Andy.
The AW has bigger fish to fry. He plans on using Andrew as bait to lure
Ricky into a fight with Oscar. He even gives Oscar permission to use "the
Dun dun duuuuuuuun! With the deal closed, the AW offers Oscar some mints.
Yeesh. As if his drinking water that his eye's been sitting in wasn't bad
enough, he actually has it hollow so he can store mints in it. What the
hell? Oscar is justifiably put off, and declines the eye mints.
To lure Ricky out, Oscar chains Andrew to a giant wooden cross in the
prison yard, and Ricky, wanting to rescue yet another character to which
he has almost no attachment, takes the bait. And so begins the battle of
the hairless chests.
Initially, things go well for Oscar, but then Ricky starts fighting back,
and the fight really gets going. Oscar quickly produces "the knife" and
goes after Ricky again.
Oscar tosses some powdered glass out of the knife sheath into Ricky's
eyes. Shortly thereafter, Oscar slips in past Ricky's blind punches and
scores a nasty hit.
Looks like the fight is over. Ricky's completely blind, and he's lost the
use of his right arm. How could he possibly come back from all that? He
can't, but if you forget about what's possible, you'll see that he's not
as bad off as you originally thought.
While desperately groping around, Ricky feels out a plate set into the
ground. He smashes it with his elbow, and for some reason, a geyser of
water shoots out of it, surprising Oscar and allowing Ricky to wash the
glass out of his eyes. Man, that sure was easy. But his arm is still out
of commission, right? That's what Oscar was counting on.
Oscar lunges at Ricky, but Ricky steps aside and
SMACKS OSCAR'S EYE OUT!!!
That's right, a stiff slap on the back of the head, and his eye just pops
right out. Not only that, but as soon as it hits the ground, some birds
swarm in and snatch up the eyeball.
Oh, everyone was quite stunned. That, however, was nothing compared to
what Ricky does next.
What's he doing, everyone asks. He's tying his veins together, like some
sort of anatomical shoelace. Why? How? I don't know, but it does the
trick. His arm is back in tiptop shape. And what about Oscar? Everything
he's done in the fight so far has been undone, and now he's out one
eyeball. He proceeds to the next logical step: suicide.
Ricky is stunned by Oscar's sudden decision, and rushes over to ask him
why? Oscar tells him, "We'll die together." What could he mean? Is he
going to turn the knife around and disembowel Ricky? No. Instead, he gives
you not only one of the film's defining moments, but what may very well be
the greatest moment in any martial arts film ever.
Your eyes do not deceive you. Oscar reaches into his wound, pulls out his
entrails, and tries to strangle Ricky with them!!! G. Zeus tap-dancing
Christ! Even better, after performing this stunt, the AW tells Oscar, "You
got a lot of guts." That's classic cinema, people. Forget about the horse
head in the bed from Godfather, or, "rosebud," this is what it's all
Well unfortunately, Oscar's gutsy move fails to work once the initial
shock of the move wears off and Ricky punches him in the face. Despite his
missing bowels, Oscar stands up and makes one last lunge at Ricky. Ricky
picks him up, tosses him over his shoulder, and plants one right in
It's hard to say whether the ultra realistic x-ray footage is better or
worse than the rest of the effects, but whatever the case, that final
skulled-crushing blow puts Oscar the Grouch back in his can forever,
though you'd never know his face had been crushed from the outside.
With the battle won, Ricky pries the cross out of the ground and checks on
ol' Andy. Not surprisingly, he's dead, that scratch on his face having
finally claimed his life. How tragic. You know whose fault this is, right?
The AW, that's right. Ricky's pissed, and the other, puny prisoners are
behind him 100%. It's time to get that jerk! Unfortunately, the movement
hits a bit of a snag when the three remaining Gang of Four guys show up.
That's the infamous head smash from The Daily Show, for those of you
uninitiated. If I could, I'd make all of my entrances that way.
After the big guy comes the ugly short fellow who throws knitting needles.
As you can see, he inflicts a minor wound that really pales in comparison
to seeing some guy getting his head crushed. What an underachiever.
And lastly comes this… guy. I swear he's a man. He leaps out of a hole of
some sort and strikes a dramatic pose. What a queen.
The AW introduces them: Rogan, Tarzan, and Brandon. You know, I'll give
‘em Rogan, and to a lesser extent, Tarzan, but Brandon. Criminy. Still, he
does have those hip highlights going for him almost a decade before they
became popular. What a trend setter. The AW bets that Ricky can't beat all
three of them.
Ricky has other ideas, though. He turns his back on the shemale, the ape,
and the useless guy and goes to grab Andrew's body. Oddly enough, Ricky
actually slips up and says that "Andrew and Omar are both dead." Omar? Who
the hell is that? Must have been Oscar's nickname.
Regardless of who Omar is, Ricky grabs Andrew and hauls him away, blowing
a little dirge on his leaf-flute. Ah, the drama that can only come from
hauling the body of a man who was hit in the face with a saw after you
killed the man who did it by smashing his skull.
Later, after Ricky's had a chance to get his clothes cleaned and his hair
done, he comes across Oscar's manservant trying to duplicate his own
leaf-flute playing. As it turns out, the kid's name is Alan, and the
reason he was always around Oscar was because he was Oscar's godson.
Despite the fact that Ricky wasted Oscar not long ago, there isn't any
awkwardness between them, and Ricky gives Alan instruction on how to make
the leaf-flute work: blow lighter, and roll your tongue. Simple really,
but Alan still can't do it. Why? Well, he has the first part down; it's
the second part that's giving him trouble.
Turns out that someone cut out his tongue. That's certainly going to hurt
his chances at mastering the leaf-flute. Aw, it's so sad. Ricky, being the
generous guy that he is, and being a friend to all short-term characters,
gives Alan the flute he snuck into the prison through means I don't wish
to know about. And Alan is happy again, dancing about and gaily playing
the flute. Of course, the illusion is ruined when the music continues
after he takes the flute out of his mouth, but that's not important.
Having taken Ricky's flute, Alan feels he should give Ricky something in
return, so he gives him a handful of the leaves he was using for practice.
Good trade. Anyway, Ricky recognizes the leaves as being poppy leaves, and
Alan indicates that he got them from the West cell (Rogan's area).
Little do they know that Rogan is watching them with his fiercest pout.
Acting as fast as those crazy legs can take him, Rogan calls the other two
gang leaders in for a conference. The topic: what to do about the wimpy
mute who apparently poses a threat to their plans. The solution: get him
to kill Ricky with…
The knife! DUN DUN DUUUUN!!! But knife doesn't quite lend Alan the courage
he needs to take on a man who can tie his own shredded veins back
together. He declines, and so Tarzan shows him something to change his
According to Tarzan, Ricky cut off Oscar's tattoo-covered back skin and
nailed it to the wall. In their conference room. The flimsy story still
isn't enough to motivate Alan, and Rogan decides that he's had enough. He
plucks the knife from Alan's hands and…
Geez, that's a hell of a trick. No wonder no one makes fun of Rogan's
effeminate appearance and mannerisms. I might have taken back what I said
early, except that he keeps one hand on his hip as he slices Alan's face
off. What a queen, even when he's skinning people.
So long, Alan. You were a good bit character, even though all you did was
alternate between giggling and whimpering.
Ricky, as usual, is furious at the loss of yet another minor footnote in
the story of Ricky. Especially when he finds the bloody flute on Alan's
body. He snaps the thing in half, throws his arms in the air, and belts
out a hearty "bastard!"
Will Ricky let the death of
this bit player slide?
Will the AW hide his porno?
Will Rogan's gender be determined once and for all? continue to page 3 to find out!