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RIKI-OH - The Story of Ricky!
by: Dr. Boogie


He's hand-icapped.  Get it?

Meet Assistant Warden… Well, just Assistant Warden. His pinching hook arm actually works, although not very well, as you watch him scratch at his plate for a moment trying to pick up a piece of steak. Forget the claw, though. What's even more noteworthy about the Assistant Warden is that there appears to be shelves of pornography all over his office.

Nothing worse than a proud smut-hoarder.

Weird, huh? I guess that's how he lost his hand. Anyway, a guard reads Ricky's file, saying that after doing poorly in primary and high school, he joined a music school, but then disappeared when he was a senior. Curious, the AW grabs his glass eye out of the glass of water he was drinking and demands to know what happened to Ricky in the two years that he went missing. With no answer forthcoming, he returns to his desk and tells Ricky about a letter that just came for him, complete with a picture of a pretty girl. He invites Ricky to take a look, and…

Don't touch my steak!

He nails him to the table. With Ricky's hand firmly locked in place, the AW starts hurling questions at him. Questions… and punches!

Take this, and that, and one of these!

But Ricky proves an unyielding pillar of untalkitude, opening his mouth only to spit a cloud of blood at the AW. Then, however, the AW makes a remark about Ricky's girlfriend.

He's staring at the shelves of porno.

That there is the line, buddy. Ricky was fine with having a hook through his hand, and he didn't mind having a fat man's fist shoved into his face, but make vague threats about his girlfriend, and he goes off.

Can't believe that guard's head didn't explode.


He snaps the table in half with his impaled hand, backhands one of the guards, and then, when the AW tries to shoot him, he picks up a plate off of the ground and hurls it at the window. Somehow, the plate winds up taking the bullet for him, even though it was nowhere near the path of the bullet. Wow, Chi Kun is amazing. With the bullet "deflected," all that's left is to disarm the AW. Fortunately, he saves Ricky the trouble by dropping his gun for some reason. Perhaps he thought it would be pointless to try and shoot Ricky while he was anywhere near a plate. Whatever the case, it's time for Ricky to execute a classic martial arts cliché: the feint.

Smell my fingers!

Ooh, intense. A little less intense on account of the porno in the background, but it's better than Ricky's last few attempts at intimidation. With his point made, Ricky grabs the picture of his girlfriend and leaves the AW's office. Back at his cell, which he apparently returned to himself, he produces a flute from his vest and starts having a flashback as he plays.

What a cute couple.

God, he was such a yuppie back then. Here, he's flying a remote controlled plane with his best girl, "Anne". A fun afternoon for them, I suppose. Suffice to say, this little bit of romance is more disgusting than watching a gallon of tomato sauce pour out of the fat guy's belly.

The next day, trouble is brewing for the bald thug who used to work for the captain whose torso was blasted by Ricky. As fate would have it, he's an informant, and the other prisoners aren't too happy about this. The scene starts with him finishing up in the bathroom and singing a little diddy to himself as he leaves. A good number of prisoners are waiting for him in the hall (the prison apparently has an open door policy). When he gets to the stairwell, a group of them confront him about his fink-dom.

It is the group's opinion that you should eat shit.

It's a tense situation, but lucky for our bald friend, the group has come up with a short list of what he has to do for forgiveness:

1. Eat shit.
2. Lick their shoes clean.

The list would have been longer, but one of group members isn't keen on the idea of forgiveness (and thank god he interrupted, as I'll bet the director would have tried to include a shit-eating sequence).

Oooh, gimme!

Oh man, I wish I could get me one of those. The troublemaker, "Andrew", isn't interested in getting a free shoe-cleaning, and wants the rat dead. The informant pleads for his life and wets himself in the process. Oh, I was overjoyed at getting to se urine dripping out of the guy's pants, but it just didn't seem like a shot worthy of your collective eyeballs.

Everybody wants a serated machete.

There's more trouble afoot, however. Oscar's wimpy manservant arrives on the scene and makes a pitiful attempt to take Andrew's… saw thingie. Oscar follows, takes the weapon himself, and gives Andrew a lecture about how it's his job to mete out punishment. Andrew just has to push the point, and when he criticizes Oscar's stance on the issue, Oscar metes out some punishment.

That's why you don't shave against the grain.

It doesn't really look that bad, but I suppose he'll bleed to death, what with all that red goop pouring out of his face.

Meanwhile, the AW is watching the whole thing from the stair's upper landing, and claps after Oscar kills Andrew. Well, he claps in the only way that a one-handed man can clap: by banging his hook on the railing. After coming down to congratulate Oscar on a job well done, he hooks Andrew in the mouth and drags him off.

Ouch, right in the gums.
So long, Andy.

The AW has bigger fish to fry. He plans on using Andrew as bait to lure Ricky into a fight with Oscar. He even gives Oscar permission to use "the knife."

He doesn't give the knife to just anybody, you know.

Dun dun duuuuuuuun! With the deal closed, the AW offers Oscar some mints.

The freshmaker!

Yeesh. As if his drinking water that his eye's been sitting in wasn't bad enough, he actually has it hollow so he can store mints in it. What the hell? Oscar is justifiably put off, and declines the eye mints.

To lure Ricky out, Oscar chains Andrew to a giant wooden cross in the prison yard, and Ricky, wanting to rescue yet another character to which he has almost no attachment, takes the bait. And so begins the battle of the hairless chests.

Must be cold on Oscar's side of the yard.

Initially, things go well for Oscar, but then Ricky starts fighting back, and the fight really gets going. Oscar quickly produces "the knife" and goes after Ricky again.

The goggles do nothing!

Oscar tosses some powdered glass out of the knife sheath into Ricky's eyes. Shortly thereafter, Oscar slips in past Ricky's blind punches and scores a nasty hit.

He stabbed an albino!

Looks like the fight is over. Ricky's completely blind, and he's lost the use of his right arm. How could he possibly come back from all that? He can't, but if you forget about what's possible, you'll see that he's not as bad off as you originally thought.

Always flush your eyes with clean water, kids.

While desperately groping around, Ricky feels out a plate set into the ground. He smashes it with his elbow, and for some reason, a geyser of water shoots out of it, surprising Oscar and allowing Ricky to wash the glass out of his eyes. Man, that sure was easy. But his arm is still out of commission, right? That's what Oscar was counting on.

Whoops, that just popped out there.

Oscar lunges at Ricky, but Ricky steps aside and SMACKS OSCAR'S EYE OUT!!! That's right, a stiff slap on the back of the head, and his eye just pops right out. Not only that, but as soon as it hits the ground, some birds swarm in and snatch up the eyeball.

The AW can give him one of his extra glass eyes.

Oh, everyone was quite stunned. That, however, was nothing compared to what Ricky does next.

Over, under, in and out.

What's he doing, everyone asks. He's tying his veins together, like some sort of anatomical shoelace. Why? How? I don't know, but it does the trick. His arm is back in tiptop shape. And what about Oscar? Everything he's done in the fight so far has been undone, and now he's out one eyeball. He proceeds to the next logical step: suicide.

Remember... my... sneer.

Ricky is stunned by Oscar's sudden decision, and rushes over to ask him why? Oscar tells him, "We'll die together." What could he mean? Is he going to turn the knife around and disembowel Ricky? No. Instead, he gives you not only one of the film's defining moments, but what may very well be the greatest moment in any martial arts film ever.

It doesn't get any better.

Your eyes do not deceive you. Oscar reaches into his wound, pulls out his entrails, and tries to strangle Ricky with them!!! G. Zeus tap-dancing Christ! Even better, after performing this stunt, the AW tells Oscar, "You got a lot of guts." That's classic cinema, people. Forget about the horse head in the bed from Godfather, or, "rosebud," this is what it's all about.

Well unfortunately, Oscar's gutsy move fails to work once the initial shock of the move wears off and Ricky punches him in the face. Despite his missing bowels, Oscar stands up and makes one last lunge at Ricky. Ricky picks him up, tosses him over his shoulder, and plants one right in Oscar's face.

Oh yeah?  My face doesn't feel broken.

It's hard to say whether the ultra realistic x-ray footage is better or worse than the rest of the effects, but whatever the case, that final skulled-crushing blow puts Oscar the Grouch back in his can forever, though you'd never know his face had been crushed from the outside.

With the battle won, Ricky pries the cross out of the ground and checks on ol' Andy. Not surprisingly, he's dead, that scratch on his face having finally claimed his life. How tragic. You know whose fault this is, right? The AW, that's right. Ricky's pissed, and the other, puny prisoners are behind him 100%. It's time to get that jerk! Unfortunately, the movement hits a bit of a snag when the three remaining Gang of Four guys show up.


That's the infamous head smash from The Daily Show, for those of you uninitiated. If I could, I'd make all of my entrances that way.

That's just sad.

After the big guy comes the ugly short fellow who throws knitting needles. As you can see, he inflicts a minor wound that really pales in comparison to seeing some guy getting his head crushed. What an underachiever.


And lastly comes this… guy. I swear he's a man. He leaps out of a hole of some sort and strikes a dramatic pose. What a queen.

The dream team.

The ugly duckling.

The AW introduces them: Rogan, Tarzan, and Brandon. You know, I'll give ‘em Rogan, and to a lesser extent, Tarzan, but Brandon. Criminy. Still, he does have those hip highlights going for him almost a decade before they became popular. What a trend setter. The AW bets that Ricky can't beat all three of them.

Ricky has other ideas, though. He turns his back on the shemale, the ape, and the useless guy and goes to grab Andrew's body. Oddly enough, Ricky actually slips up and says that "Andrew and Omar are both dead." Omar? Who the hell is that? Must have been Oscar's nickname.

Is there anything this man can't do?

Regardless of who Omar is, Ricky grabs Andrew and hauls him away, blowing a little dirge on his leaf-flute. Ah, the drama that can only come from hauling the body of a man who was hit in the face with a saw after you killed the man who did it by smashing his skull.

You suck at blowing.

Later, after Ricky's had a chance to get his clothes cleaned and his hair done, he comes across Oscar's manservant trying to duplicate his own leaf-flute playing. As it turns out, the kid's name is Alan, and the reason he was always around Oscar was because he was Oscar's godson. Despite the fact that Ricky wasted Oscar not long ago, there isn't any awkwardness between them, and Ricky gives Alan instruction on how to make the leaf-flute work: blow lighter, and roll your tongue. Simple really, but Alan still can't do it. Why? Well, he has the first part down; it's the second part that's giving him trouble.

And they stole your gums too!? Bastards.

Turns out that someone cut out his tongue. That's certainly going to hurt his chances at mastering the leaf-flute. Aw, it's so sad. Ricky, being the generous guy that he is, and being a friend to all short-term characters, gives Alan the flute he snuck into the prison through means I don't wish to know about. And Alan is happy again, dancing about and gaily playing the flute. Of course, the illusion is ruined when the music continues after he takes the flute out of his mouth, but that's not important. Having taken Ricky's flute, Alan feels he should give Ricky something in return, so he gives him a handful of the leaves he was using for practice. Good trade. Anyway, Ricky recognizes the leaves as being poppy leaves, and Alan indicates that he got them from the West cell (Rogan's area).

Such a sissy.

Little do they know that Rogan is watching them with his fiercest pout. Acting as fast as those crazy legs can take him, Rogan calls the other two gang leaders in for a conference. The topic: what to do about the wimpy mute who apparently poses a threat to their plans. The solution: get him to kill Ricky with…

You get to use... THE KNIFE!!!

The knife! DUN DUN DUUUUN!!! But knife doesn't quite lend Alan the courage he needs to take on a man who can tie his own shredded veins back together. He declines, and so Tarzan shows him something to change his mind:

The final solution to back acne.

According to Tarzan, Ricky cut off Oscar's tattoo-covered back skin and nailed it to the wall. In their conference room. The flimsy story still isn't enough to motivate Alan, and Rogan decides that he's had enough. He plucks the knife from Alan's hands and…

Whoa. You know I was just kidding when I called you a sissy.

Geez, that's a hell of a trick. No wonder no one makes fun of Rogan's effeminate appearance and mannerisms. I might have taken back what I said early, except that he keeps one hand on his hip as he slices Alan's face off. What a queen, even when he's skinning people.

That can't be good for the grass.

So long, Alan. You were a good bit character, even though all you did was alternate between giggling and whimpering.

You got blood on my frigging fluuuuute!!!

Ricky, as usual, is furious at the loss of yet another minor footnote in the story of Ricky. Especially when he finds the bloody flute on Alan's body. He snaps the thing in half, throws his arms in the air, and belts out a hearty "bastard!"

Will Ricky let the death of this bit player slide?
Will the AW hide his porno?
Will Rogan's gender be determined once and for all?
continue to page 3 to find out!

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