...CONTINUED
(note: if you haven't read part 1 of this piece yet, click here first)

Meanwhile, Rogan is getting chewed out by the AW for letting Ricky find out about their plans for making opium. Now, I'm not an expert in the operation of a prison, but I'm betting that he could prevent slipups like this by, I don't know, locking up the prisoners instead of letting them stroll around the prison as though it were Club freakin' Med!

Rogan's pouting routine is interrupted when he catches sight of a fire in his cell. Someone's burning his poppies! Whoever could it be?

It's Ricky, and he's back for revenge. Again. And now, he won't have to worry about interference from Tarzan or… Brandon. Yes, it's man vs. sissy here at beautiful Unnamed Prison garden.

After being knocked down by a few of Rogan's sissy slaps, Ricky remarks that Rogan's Kung Fu is unorthodox. As if that were his cue, Rogan launches into a series of weird poses, one of which looks like he's about to hike a football, and another looks as though he were doing that dance from Pulp Fiction. Very unorthodox indeed. Unfortunately, Ricky is so confused by Rogan's androgyny that he doesn't think to block his next move.

Rogan… he… I don't know. He dives at Ricky, and then the camera starts to blur for a moment. Whatever it was, the blow hurls Ricky into the wall, and Rogan informs him that he's hit his "death spot".

Meanwhile, the AW is angered by sight of all the prisoners, spurred by the fire, pouring out of their cells and filing into the yard.

"I want you to go right now and lock up every single one of the prisoners!"

Like you were supposed to in the first place!!! Aside from his "guards", the AW has to deal with phone calls from the police and fire department. More importantly, though, he hears that the Warden is returning from Hawaii. Oh, he's in trouble now. Hoping to resolve the situation in the yard quickly, he orders the guards to "raise the zero alarm."

Ricky, still feeling the effects of having his "death spot" touched, has a vision of his uncle, and this time, he's not laughing. He tells Ricky that he can overcome death, and sure enough, he's right. Ricky slaps himself on the chest, and is back to normal.

Then, the ugly midget shows up and hurls his needles at Ricky. When Ricky starts using them to combat Rogan, Brandon realizes that he's a liability and tosses one of his needles to Rogan.

He does much better than Brandon, getting Ricky in the arm with one. You know, if your weapon of choice is wielded more effectively by an untrained friend, what the hell good are you to anyone, huh?

Hoping to not be shamed to easily, Brandon throws a bunch of his needles and somehow manages to tie Ricky up in the process. It looks like he's done for, but then Tarzan shows up, saying that Ricky can't die until he gets the chance to fight him. Just then, however, the zero alarm is sounded, and the warning goes out that if they aren't back in their (unlocked) cells in a minute, they'll be shot on sight.

Brandon and Rogan whine like kids at Tarzan, saying that they need to finish him off and then get back in their cells. Rogan even threatens to kill him too, but he says it with the above look on his face, and who feels threatened by that? Certainly not Tarzan, and when machine guns are fired from some unseen spots on the wall, they go their separate ways, with Tarzan hauling Ricky away for their fight.

He takes Ricky to a small room somewhere in the prison with a security camera in the corner. Before the fight can commence, the door slams shut, and the room starts to fill with wet concrete. What kind of prison has room in the budget for a room that fills with concrete? Well, it is the future, I suppose. Lucky for Tarzan that Ricky has a plan to escape from the slowly filling room.

Well, perhaps calling it a plan is a bit generous. He snaps Brandon's crummy ropes, yanks the camera out of the wall, yells for good measure, and dives through the 2 millimeter thick steel door. Being the good sport that he is, he even brings Tarzan along with him. After all, a couple more hours of that and he would have been in some real trouble.

The AW comes down to check on the two of them, and finds a cement-covered, but undaunted, Ricky hauling Tarzan around on his shoulders. The AW's guards are worried that Ricky might try something, but he tells them that Ricky will be powerless once the cement dries. You know, never mind the fact that this Wile E. Coyote security measure of his actually worked, but why wouldn't a guy who was able to shatter a dozen tombstones with his bare hands be able to shrug off a thin layer of cement? Well he can't, and the AW steals the poppy leaf Ricky was holding onto as evidence.

The next day, the AW and his guards anxiously await the arrival of the Warden. For a little while, at least. Then, they all start slacking off again. Cripes, I wonder if the Warden knows his guards don't lock up the prisoners or really guard anything.

Eventually, he does arrive, and he brings his annoying lardass son with him. While the son is around, the AW does as sort of one-man Three Stooges act, slapping the guards around like Moe, taking abuse from the son like Larry, and making weird grunting noises like Curly (or Curly Joe, if you like). Anyway, after the little punk sticks his gum on the AW's forehead, he skips after his father, trips on the red carpet, and starts bawling. "Who rolled out the carpet," he says. "This prisoner," the AW says, dragging a previously unseen prisoner onto the scene. The warden, being a fair guy, gives the prisoner a chance to explain.

Just kidding. He asks if the prisoner has eyes, and then puts one of them out with his excessively pointy cane. He then tosses the cane to the AW, who does some more Curly by staring dumbfounded at the bloodied cane and draws a cross over his chest. Then, to add insult to injury, the fat kid sticks his tongue out at the one-eyed prisoner.

With formalities out of the way, the AW briefs the warden on what happened during his absence. Some fighting, a few dead prisoners, a couple skinnings, routine stuff, really. When he mentions the loss of the opium stock, the warden fumes. His fuming is cut short, however, when he clutches his chest and demands his medicine. His "medicine" looks more like three different kinds of candy which I guess the director must have thought would look like pills when far from the camera. A nifty idea, but you don't see too many red licorice-sized pills on the market.

The AW takes the warden to see the man responsible for single-handedly taking them out of the drug business: Ricky. At first, it looks like he's unconscious, but when the warden draws near, he breaks off the chains and plaster… I mean cement… he breaks off the chains and cement and lunges at the warden. Alright, Ricky! Looks like you're finally going to get your revenge, or do whatever it was that you came here to do.

Well look who came busting through the wall. It's Chinese Elvis. No wait, it's just Tarzan. He's still waiting for his fight with Ricky, and this time, there's no cement to slow him down.

Alright, scratch that. He gets a sucker punch on Ricky while he's grappling with the Warden. Then he grabs Ricky, sticks his arms through the bars, and bends them around his arms to hold him in place while he rains blows down on him.

Tarzan goes for the finisher, applying his patented head-crushing maneuver that, according to the AW, he used to open coconuts with. Coconuts, right. Fortunately, Rick uses his own patented escape maneuver: yelling. It gives him the strength to break the bars AND toss the burly coconut-smasher off him.

And now that the tables have turned, Ricky gives him one of these:

Ouch. His days of coconut-crushing are over. Now, he'll just have to buy split open ones at the store like the rest of us.

But he doesn't stop there, not by a long shot. He wipes some of the blood off his face and hits Tarzan with a move I like to call the Palette Cleanser.

Oh man. Now he won't even be able to taste the coconuts that he loves so much. I have to give him credit, though; he doesn't let the loss of a good-sized chunk of his chin stop him. He winds up with his good arm and takes one last shot at Ricky. Unfortunately, Ricky also winds up and takes one last shot at him. The result:

And that's it. With a shattered right elbow, a blasted chin, and a half of his left hand gone, Tarzan finally goes down. What a trooper. The AW doesn't think so, but what does he know?

Seeing that his champion is down for the count, the AW enacts another one of his ACME-brand traps: a mechanical ceiling designed to crush the cell's occupants.

Ricky manages to halt the descent of the ceiling, and even manages to push it back up. The warden isn't impressed by Ricky's latest show of strength, and decides to show off his new stun gun, which he boasts can produce 100,000 volts of electricity. Of course, it's the current that hurts you, but regardless, the burst of electricity from the stun gun distributed over the entire surface area of the bars and ceiling is enough to knock Ricky down. It looks like the end for our excitable young hero.

Tarzan is back, and he's pushing the ceiling back up with his shoulder. More incredible, however, is the fact that he can talk even though he surely must have lost his tongue when Ricky gave him that vicious uppercut. He gives Ricky enough time to dive through the bars (which he should have done in the FIRST place, dammit), but doesn't have enough strength left to shuffle on out of the cell. He manages to gurgle out a farewell to Ricky, and then the ceiling crushes him.

So long, Tarzan ol' buddy. We'll pass news of your death on to Cheetah.

After the dust settles, Ricky finds a photo on the ground. I guess it's a picture of Tarzan and some relative of his because Ricky starts ranting at the warden about how the prisoners have families waiting for them at home. This can't be news to him. I mean, he made that train for the old guy way back in the beginning of the movie. His forgetfulness gives the warden enough time to trigger the trap door that Ricky had conveniently walked right onto while he was yelling at him. God, what a ninny.

The latest Bond-esque plan to eliminate Ricky involves burying him alive, with each one of the prisoners shoveling some first into the pit. A couple prisoners object, but they are promptly shot by the guns that the guards have just now started carrying with them. I guess things are just really relaxed around the prison when the warden's gone. So, they all grudgingly go along with the plan.

After a couple shovels, the AW steps in and hits Ricky with a faceful of dirt. What a jerk. Still, the warden, being the fair and honorable man that he is, announces that if Ricky can survive being buried alive for a week, he'll be a free man. That should be no sweat for the man who dive through steel doors AND play a leaf like a flute.

Night falls, and the other prisoners wonder amongst themselves whether or not Ricky can make it, or if he's even alive at all. Their questions are answered when they hear Ricky's distinct leaf-flute playing. How? I don't know. All I can say is Chi Kun is amazing.

His flute-playing also attracts this dog from… somewhere presumably inside the prison. Unfortunately, it also attracts the remaining two members of the Gang of Four, Rogan Light-Loafers and Brandon Stumpy.

Rogan bursts out of that same hole in the ground, shrieking like a banshee, and HE KICKS THE DOG IN HALF!!! Man, what a nutcase.

Rogan snatches up a small chunk of dog meat, and drops it into the bamboo pipe Ricky is using for air. Then, he and Brandon just walk off. I assumed that he wanted to use the meaty chunk to block Ricky's air supply, but as they're leaving, the pipe splits in half for some reason, and they just ignore it. I hope somebody cleans up those dog halves, though. If you thought a wet dog smelled bad…

The next shot shows Ricky's head. It kinda looks like he has that dog chunk in his mouth, but it could just be that flute he was somehow playing. Or maybe he was hungry and decided to split his pipe to get the delicious dog meat. After his hearty meal, Ricky drifts off to dreamland, and we get to see what led up to him going to prison in the first place.

How does a man go from being a giant yuppie
to eating dog meat in a hole in the ground?
continue to page 4 to find out!