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RIKI-OH - The Story of Ricky!
by: Dr. Boogie


Ah, just like high school.

While walking home, his girlfriend stumbled upon a group of guys doing drugs. The group's lookout catches her before she can run off, and for god knows what reason, he brings her back to the hideout of the drug dealer he works for.


The dealer, who sounds just a little bit like Snagglepuss, is understandably furious with his henchman, who has effectively revealed the location of their base of operations. Nevertheless, he takes a look at the girl, who seems to be pretty calm. Then all of a sudden, she goes completely berserk. She starts screaming her head off and runs out of the room, pushing aside the dealer's two henchmen. Then, rather than heading downstairs to flee the building, she heads to the roof, and runs, runs, runs. Right off the damn roof. Seriously, as if she couldn't see that there was nothing else in front of her, she just runs right off the roof.


What the hell? The guys that kidnapped her didn't even seem that bad. Frankly, I think it's for the better. I can't imagine what Ricky would have done had he married such an unstable woman.

He should've dressed formal for a mogure visit.

Anyway, Ricky sees his girlfriend's dead body in the morgue, and after doing so, he totally doesn't run off screaming like a madman.

And in the red corner...

The time has come for Ricky's first try at revenge. He manages to figure out who was sort of responsible for his girlfriend's death and faces off with him on the street. The drug dealer pulls out his gun and gives Ricky the five bullets that he mentioned in the beginning. After seeing Ricky take the five shots without slowing down, he just doesn't have the courage to fire that last round. And Ricky goes to work on him.

My spindly leg!

With a flying kick, he breaks the guy's strangely thin-looking leg, and with the dealer down on one knee, Ricky delivers the coup de grace.

Ricky always makes a good impression.

An imprint of his fist in the guys head. Ricky is a frigging artist with the fist. Surprisingly, the dealer doesn't die immediately, but rather he falls to the ground and starts bawling like a baby. What a wuss. One dent in his skull and he starts crying.

With his revenge complete, Ricky walks off… and is presumably arrested at some later time. You know, now that I think about it, this couldn't really be a flashback. After all, how the hell could Ricky have seen his girlfriend's capture and subsequent stunt dive? Maybe it's all just a hallucination caused by eating uncooked dog meat.

He makes it look so easy.

A week passes in no time at all, and it's time to see if Ricky passed the test. Instead of having the prisoners dig him out, as they were the ones who buried him, the warden employs an amazingly precise backhoe. He looks dead, but as usual, it's just an act. He busts out of his chains, does a flip, and lands perfectly amid his comrades.

Like a construction ninja.

The aforementioned backhoe somehow manages to sneak up on Ricky and smack the hell out of him. How the hell does that happen?

I have a class B license!

Well I'll be damned. Not only is this fey young man an expert skinner, he's also a highly skilled backhoesman. He gets Ricky with a flying kick as he's sitting up, and then crosses his arms smugly once again. Brandon joins him afterwards, but seriously, that guy is fucking worthless. The only thing he could do was throw those lame needles of his, and even Rogan can do that better than him. Come to think of it, he hasn't killed a single person yet. What's he even doing in this goddamn movie?

Anyway, getting back to poor Ricky, he awakens to find himself in yet another of the warden's bizarre devices.

Dammit, be practical!

This time, Ricky has been placed on a platform, and is being held in place by a mass of L-shaped steel rebar. He remains defiant, and taunts the warden. Brandon, perhaps seeking to become the warden's favorite, seizes the opportunity and starts smacking Ricky around with a wrench.

I will prove my worth, I swear!

He's so damn ugly. Oh well, at least the poor bastard has finally found something he's good at. Not for long, though. Rogan steps in, once again, to show that anything Brandon can do, he can do better.

Man, that guy fights dirty.

First, he kicks one of the steel rebars right into Ricky's crotch. Looks like we won't be seeing the Story of Ricky Jr. That's just the beginning. You see, he only wanted to get Ricky to open his mouth.

Which hurts more:  the razors, or the rebar in the crotch?

Razors? Lordy. That guy is good. And most people would stop there, but not Rogan. Oh no, not Rogan.

My slapping hand is in dire need of practice.
My adorable face!

Now that is thorough. The warden stops him after a few chops, and pulls off the tape to resume his interrogation. Ricky has only one response for him:

Ew, those razors have spit on them!

A shower of blood and razors. As the warden angrily plucks razors out of his face, he shouts at AW to bring his candy/medicine, and the AW can only give him more of his Curly impression in response.

He broke the other chains easily, but this time will be different.

With interrogation over, they slap him in irons and toss him back in his cell. Perhaps they believe that this time, Ricky won't break out of his chains, even though he was able to do so after being buried alive for seven days straight without water and only a small piece of dog for food. Whatever the case, one of the prisoners non-lockdown prisoners sneaks some rice into Ricky's cell. Ricky happily eats the food and gives the inmate a nod of approval.

Don't worry.  My face will be fine in the morning.

Unfortunately, the informant who narrowly escaped the machete treatment earlier witnesses the exchange. He informs the AW, and the next day, the AW comes by, hooks the inmate, and drags him to Ricky's cell.

Hey Ricky, guess who I killed?  That's right, some guy.

The AW is anxious to torment Ricky with this latest deceased bit player, but when he reaches Ricky's cell, he his astonished to find that the cell is empty.

Sneaky sneaky.

Or at least it seemed empty. The two of them file in, completely unaware that Ricky is above them, and Ricky drops down behind them. He states that he's finally going to kill the two of them, and the informant, thinking that he has a chance, rushes Ricky. Ricky grabs him by the neck, and takes a little off the top.

A mind is a terrible thing to waste.

At least this time, the dummy used bears a faint resemblance to the original actor. Not like what happens next:


He knocks out the AW's only remaining eye. On the bright side, this means that the AW will get twice as many mints.

Outside the cell, some guards have shown up in response to the AW's agonized screams, but they've seen enough of Ricky to know what he's capable of, and don't approach him out of fear of having their heads sundered.

Not Freddy!  NOT FREDDY!!!

Some other prisoners come to check on the hooked inmate, and declare to Ricky, "Freddy's dead!" Freddy, eh? Good to know, considering that the guy literally had less than two minutes of screen time. Ricky tosses the AW at the guards and rushes outside just in time to watch Freddy pass on. And you know what happens when a bit player dies on Ricky.

The joke's on you.  I can still see.

The AW manages to escape Ricky temporarily, thanks to the director forgetting that the AW's remaining eye is nothing more than a hollow sphere used to store mints. Maybe I'm just being too cynical. It is possible that the AW knows his prison so well that he can easily traverse it without his eyesight. Regardless, photographic memory won't save him from an angry mob of prisoners.

This beer is flat, man.

One of the prisoners smashes a bottle on the railing and stabs the AW right in the neck. They really shouldn't have an open bar in the prison. While doing so, he wisely closes his eyes to avoid the spray of blood that shoots out at him. And believe me, there is quite a shower. The neck wound isn't enough, though.

My squeezin' arm!

Another prisoner comes forward and lops off the AW's remaining arm with a pickaxe. You know, forget about locking up the prisoners, the AW really should have kept a closer guard on all the dangerous objects just lying around the prison. Oh well. It's a lesson he won't have time to learn.

Let me massage that knot in your back.

Right about then, the riot squad shows up, the first one in really starts to whale on one of the prisoners. I mean he really lays into him. So badly, in fact, that the prisoner is able to stand up from the fetal position and fight off the ambitious officer. There's another problem with the prison: the riot squad is equipped with wiffle bats. The mob is pushed back again, however, when one of the troops shows up with a morning star. Ricky decides to step in and take him out, even though his weapon is probably about as deadly as the batons.

Argh, my vinyl jacket is worthless!

He gives the officer a brand new orifice, and he stumbles backward, dead presumably. With his death, the rest of the riot squad lose their nerve and retreat. Yet another thing the prison needs: qualified prison guards.

With total anarchy just around the corner, Ricky grabs the AW and tells him to take him to the warden. The prisoners even decide to help him out by hoisting the AW onto their shoulders and hauling him away.

Will the AW be about to find the warden without
being able to see, or will those mints prove to be
the perfect replacement for his eye?

continue to page 5 to find out!

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