walking home, his girlfriend stumbled upon a group of guys doing drugs.
The group's lookout catches her before she can run off, and for god knows
what reason, he brings her back to the hideout of the drug dealer he works
who sounds just a little bit like Snagglepuss, is understandably furious
with his henchman, who has effectively revealed the location of their base
of operations. Nevertheless, he takes a look at the girl, who seems to be
pretty calm. Then all of a sudden, she goes completely berserk. She starts
screaming her head off and runs out of the room, pushing aside the
dealer's two henchmen. Then, rather than heading downstairs to flee the
building, she heads to the roof, and runs, runs, runs. Right off the damn
roof. Seriously, as if she couldn't see that there was nothing else in
front of her, she just runs right off the roof.
hell? The guys that kidnapped her didn't even seem that bad. Frankly, I
think it's for the better. I can't imagine what Ricky would have done had
he married such an unstable woman.
Ricky sees his girlfriend's dead body in the morgue, and after doing so,
he totally doesn't run off screaming like a madman.
The time has
come for Ricky's first try at revenge. He manages to figure out who was
sort of responsible for his girlfriend's death and faces off with him on
the street. The drug dealer pulls out his gun and gives Ricky the five
bullets that he mentioned in the beginning. After seeing Ricky take the
five shots without slowing down, he just doesn't have the courage to fire
that last round. And Ricky goes to work on him.
flying kick, he breaks the guy's strangely thin-looking leg, and with the
dealer down on one knee, Ricky delivers the coup de grace.
of his fist in the guys head. Ricky is a frigging artist with the fist.
Surprisingly, the dealer doesn't die immediately, but rather he falls to
the ground and starts bawling like a baby. What a wuss. One dent in his
skull and he starts crying.
With his revenge complete, Ricky walks off… and is presumably arrested at
some later time. You know, now that I think about it, this couldn't really
be a flashback. After all, how the hell could Ricky have seen his
girlfriend's capture and subsequent stunt dive? Maybe it's all just a
hallucination caused by eating uncooked dog meat.
passes in no time at all, and it's time to see if Ricky passed the test.
Instead of having the prisoners dig him out, as they were the ones who
buried him, the warden employs an amazingly precise backhoe. He looks
dead, but as usual, it's just an act. He busts out of his chains, does a
flip, and lands perfectly amid his comrades.
aforementioned backhoe somehow manages to sneak up on Ricky and smack the
hell out of him. How the hell does that happen?
Well I'll be
damned. Not only is this fey young man an expert skinner, he's also a
highly skilled backhoesman. He gets Ricky with a flying kick as he's
sitting up, and then crosses his arms smugly once again. Brandon joins him
afterwards, but seriously, that guy is fucking worthless. The only thing
he could do was throw those lame needles of his, and even Rogan can do
that better than him. Come to think of it, he hasn't killed a single
person yet. What's he even doing in this goddamn movie?
Anyway, getting back to poor Ricky, he awakens to find himself in yet
another of the warden's bizarre devices.
Ricky has been placed on a platform, and is being held in place by a mass
of L-shaped steel rebar. He remains defiant, and taunts the warden.
Brandon, perhaps seeking to become the warden's favorite, seizes the
opportunity and starts smacking Ricky around with a wrench.
He's so damn
ugly. Oh well, at least the poor bastard has finally found something he's
good at. Not for long, though. Rogan steps in, once again, to show that
anything Brandon can do, he can do better.
kicks one of the steel rebars right into Ricky's crotch. Looks like we
won't be seeing the Story of Ricky Jr. That's just the beginning. You see,
he only wanted to get Ricky to open his mouth.
Lordy. That guy is good. And most people would stop there, but not Rogan.
Oh no, not Rogan.
Now that is
thorough. The warden stops him after a few chops, and pulls off the tape
to resume his interrogation. Ricky has only one response for him:
A shower of
blood and razors. As the warden angrily plucks razors out of his face, he
shouts at AW to bring his candy/medicine, and the AW can only give him
more of his Curly impression in response.
interrogation over, they slap him in irons and toss him back in his cell.
Perhaps they believe that this time, Ricky won't break out of his chains,
even though he was able to do so after being buried alive for seven days
straight without water and only a small piece of dog for food. Whatever
the case, one of the prisoners non-lockdown prisoners sneaks some rice
into Ricky's cell. Ricky happily eats the food and gives the inmate a nod
Unfortunately, the informant who narrowly escaped the machete treatment
earlier witnesses the exchange. He informs the AW, and the next day, the
AW comes by, hooks the inmate, and drags him to Ricky's cell.
The AW is
anxious to torment Ricky with this latest deceased bit player, but when he
reaches Ricky's cell, he his astonished to find that the cell is empty.
Or at least
it seemed empty. The two of them file in, completely unaware that Ricky is
above them, and Ricky drops down behind them. He states that he's finally
going to kill the two of them, and the informant, thinking that he has a
chance, rushes Ricky. Ricky grabs him by the neck, and takes a little off
this time, the dummy used bears a faint resemblance to the original actor.
Not like what happens next:
out the AW's only remaining eye. On the bright side, this means that the
AW will get twice as many mints.
Outside the cell, some guards have shown up in response to the AW's
agonized screams, but they've seen enough of Ricky to know what he's
capable of, and don't approach him out of fear of having their heads
prisoners come to check on the hooked inmate, and declare to Ricky,
"Freddy's dead!" Freddy, eh? Good to know, considering that the guy
literally had less than two minutes of screen time. Ricky tosses the AW at
the guards and rushes outside just in time to watch Freddy pass on. And
you know what happens when a bit player dies on Ricky.
manages to escape Ricky temporarily, thanks to the director forgetting
that the AW's remaining eye is nothing more than a hollow sphere used to
store mints. Maybe I'm just being too cynical. It is possible that the AW
knows his prison so well that he can easily traverse it without his
eyesight. Regardless, photographic memory won't save him from an angry mob
One of the
prisoners smashes a bottle on the railing and stabs the AW right in the
neck. They really shouldn't have an open bar in the prison. While doing
so, he wisely closes his eyes to avoid the spray of blood that shoots out
at him. And believe me, there is quite a shower. The neck wound isn't
prisoner comes forward and lops off the AW's remaining arm with a pickaxe.
You know, forget about locking up the prisoners, the AW really should have
kept a closer guard on all the dangerous objects just lying around the
prison. Oh well. It's a lesson he won't have time to learn.
then, the riot squad shows up, the first one in really starts to whale on
one of the prisoners. I mean he really lays into him. So badly, in fact,
that the prisoner is able to stand up from the fetal position and fight
off the ambitious officer. There's another problem with the prison: the
riot squad is equipped with wiffle bats. The mob is pushed back again,
however, when one of the troops shows up with a morning star. Ricky
decides to step in and take him out, even though his weapon is probably
about as deadly as the batons.
He gives the
officer a brand new orifice, and he stumbles backward, dead presumably.
With his death, the rest of the riot squad lose their nerve and retreat.
Yet another thing the prison needs: qualified prison guards.
With total anarchy just around the corner, Ricky grabs the AW and tells
him to take him to the warden. The prisoners even decide to help him out
by hoisting the AW onto their shoulders and hauling him away.
Will the AW
be about to find the warden without
being able to see, or will those mints prove to be
the perfect replacement for his eye?
continue to page 5 to find out!