It's not too
often that I get to make my way out to the thrift shop these days, but
when I do, it's like going on a treasure hunt. Recently, I went to the local thrift
shop for the first time in probably a year and it was like a whole new
world. Tons of old toys, books, and computer equipment from yesteryear to look through.
And while buying a horribly scratched copy of a "Parappa the Rappa"
Playstation game was pretty tempting, my heart skipped a few beats when I
came upon this gem:
believe my eyes. A complete Thingmaker Chill-A-Tron Lab kit that
hadn't even been used... all for a measly $1.98! Keep in mind, these
things sold for $30+ when they first came out, plus whoever sold this
thing to the thrift shop included 2 extra unopened "collector molds" which
also came with more monster mix packs. Badass. For those of you who've
never seen it, this lab kit claims to enable you to create a variety of slimy creatures
all by using ice, water, Gooze™, and Monster Mix™®©³.
Excited as a
mofo, I rushed home and called up Protoclown to tell him the good news.
The phone call went something like this...
"Dude! I got a Thingmaker!!!"
Proto: "That's great Rog! Congrats on finally discovering your penis."
RoG: "No! It's this thing that makes all these crazy little slimy monsters!"
Proto: "Again, congrats on finally discovering your penis."
RoG: "Damnit, just get your ass over here so we can try this toy out."
Proto: "Keep your 'toy' away from me, perv."
more minutes of explaining to him just what in the hell the Thingmaker was, he finally
agreed to come over.
that we were both about to embark on a horrific journey of monster-making
mayhem, we couldn't help but scream in terror. Then again, that reaction
could have just been the two of us realizing that we were going to be
hanging out with each other for the next couple of hours. Actually, yeah, I think
that's what it was.
filled up the Chill-A-Tron with ice and cold water and then chose a mold
to use. There were some damned cool molds to choose from, but nothing
could beat the giant spider. It was just massive and could easily
suffocate somebody in their sleep.
note that there were some pretty cool collectible molds that you could get
for the Thingmaker Chill-A-Tron Lab. With names like "Clot Popper", "Dr.
Rot-A-Lot", and "Skeletick" you simply can't go wrong.
Next, we had
to add some Gooze to a hot cup of water. I wish I could say that
something with a cool name like Gooze was a really awesome
substance, but in all honesty, I think it was just food coloring. Leave it
up to good ol' Nickelodeon to rename something simple as food coloring to
a much more nasty nasty name like "Gooze". I imagine that
they'll soon be renaming 'water' to 'znogflarshick smoog juice'. Anyway, we both agreed
that while a green spider would indeed look cool, there just weren't
enough purple spiders in the world.
So, we went with the purple Gooze.
sure the Gooze was mixed in nicely, it was time to add the Monster Mix.
This was obviously the stuff that was going to turn our purple water into
a semi- gelatinous substance. Can't say the stuff smelled that good, but I
guess that's not all too surprising since monsters aren't really known for
their obsession with bathing. One thing they didn't tell you is how the
Monster Mix would stick to your mixing thermometer to the point where you
would never be able to remove it. I'm guessing that if you made enough of
these, there would be about 30 layers of solidified monster mix on your
mixer and it wouldn't even fit in the cup anymore.
monster mixture completed, it was time to pour it into the giant spider
mold that now rested upon the Chill-A-Tron. And wow... just look at me boogie
down in that animation. It works even better if you watch it while
listening to Huey Louis and the News' hit song, "Heart of Rock 'n Roll".
you have it. The spider mold was filled with purple goo and soon we would
be unleashing an army of these things upon the world. Not that the world
would really care, because let's face it; these things wouldn't really do very much
except sit around and be slimy... and purple.
according to the instructions, we had to wait 12-20 minutes before our
purple spider would be ready for removal. 12-20 MINUTES!? Just what
in the hell did they expect myself and Protoclown to do during this time?
Well, rather than just sit around while enduring an extremely uncomfortable
silence like we usually do, we decided to stay in the spirit of the Halloween
season by drawing some spooky pictures.
out some Crayola crayons and went to work for what seemed like days. All
of our artistic skills were really being put to the test here. After all,
it's not easy to create spooky Halloween pictures that can cause a person
to scream in terror or burst into tears with just one look. Still, I think we pulled
it off. See for yourself:
AND WE DIDN'T EVEN GO TO ART SCHOOL.
submitting our Crayola masterpieces to several local art gallery
competitions, we returned to the kitchen to see how the Purple spider was
doing. A full 20 minutes had passed and...................................
a leg fucking broke when we tried to remove it. The damned spider was nowhere near
ready to be removed. 20 minutes my ass. Being completely frustrated with
things, I resorted to drinking. Unfortunately, I picked up
the glass of the Gooze Monster Mix by accident. But hey, I'm always trying
to enjoy new experiences.
I just never imagined that pissing purple would be one of them.
Proto had obviously completely lost his mind. He had the bright idea that
if he had a pre-made sticky toy frog touch its tongue to our spider, the
spider would somehow learn how to become solid like the frog
so that it could be
removed from the mold. When that didn't work, he shoved the frog's tongue into his nose
while I hoped he would somehow learn that this wasn't
helping our situation. Plus, he had just ruined one of my perfectly good
sticky frogs. The nasty bastard actually asked me if I wanted it back too. We
tried removing the spider from the mold about an hour later and the leg
parts were still breaking apart, so we decided to call it a day and try
hours later I returned to the mold expecting to be able to remove the
spider with ease. Sadly, I found that it was in no better shape than it was
before. So instead of a giant purple spider, I ended up with a plate of
mangled purple gelatinous goop that resembled a jellyfish which had been poked far
too many times with a stick. I couldn't even get all of the purple crud
out of the spider mold. And that's when it hit me...
have coated the plastic spider mold with some Pam non-stick cooking spray,
then it would've been easy to remove it! Well, maybe not. I guess we won't
know until we try making one of these damned things again. And, I think
next time I'm going to go with one of the creatures that doesn't have so
many thin legs that break off so easily. I'm leaning towards the Skeletick
looks like a potato bug, and I can't imagine he would break apart that
easily. I must say though, Dr. Rot-A-Lot looks damned tempting too. I
mean, he's a mummy with a claw. A CLAW! Still, I'm sure it would
break off, so I don't want to set myself up for another let-down.
interesting I noticed in the instruction booklet was that you could
actually look through your Thingmaker creations "to see a very
distorted and colorful world!" Considering how we failed
to make the spider survive, this was too good to pass up. I held
up one of the mangled purple blobs to my eye and peered through. What did
I saw Tom
Jones gone completely mad and I damn near had a heart attack. I think I
might call consumer affairs about this. They really should put better
warnings on these things...
After a few
days, the pile of purple goop had been reduced to a few jagged pieces
which could easily cut through bone. I'm not sure if the rest of the stuff just
evaporated or some cockroaches came along and ate it. Purple shards
instead of a giant slimy spider? Even though I only spent $1.98 on the
thing, I can't help but feel ripped off.
If you're big into monster kits
like this one, check out the
Mad Scientist Monster
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