When I was a kid I wanted
to be hard core. I wanted to be a thug. I wanted people to see me and run, and
not in the way they do now. I wanted to strike fear in the hearts of other guys
so they would think I could kick their ass and have sex with their sister.
I've already talked about
fighting, but now I'm
teaching you how to act the part. Sure, this might piss off your parents, but
isn't that what life's all about? FECK YOU MOMMY AND DADDY! I'm a big boy now!
So you've got a closet full of L.L. Bean and Hanes. I can help you take these
bland threads and transform them in to some ghetto fabulous-ass shit! People
will quiver when you come around. You will get loot and mad bitches. And mad
respect, too. People will respect you because you will look like you can kick
some serious ass and you probably have a 9-milli in your underpants.
I can't help you with the tinted Bimmer with deep-dish pizza rims, though.
To help you through this process, I'm sharing before and after pictures so
you can get an idea of the final product.
On top of the following clothing, use the Izzy language. Randomly insert "z"
into words like dog, bitch and homeslice. "What the fiznuck's iznup my
biznitch?" That's all gangsta' for "Hey, how are you?" Or you could go overboard
and be all like "Yizno mizny miznutha fiznucka! Diznam dizog, yizall izis
kiznillin' mizne!" I don't know what that means, but is sure sounds ghetto
fabulous.
Also, talk about smoking phat blunts and when people give you bad shit, make
up a fake rap about bammer weed. Bammer is a ghetto word. "Hey buddy! How are
you?" is a bammer question. "Whassup my nizzies?" isn't bammer.
When you talk about where you're from, don't say "I'm from Boise!" Say shit
like, "Get off my niznuts foo… I'm from B-Town." B-Town sounds more fabulous
than Boise. If you say Boise I'll kick your ass myself.
Notice in this first picture that all I'm wearing is a plain T-shirt, regular
jeans and some sneakers. No hat. No jewelry. Probably no panties. And NO FUCKIN'
SENSE! What a tool! I pose no visual threat. Sure, I may look sane, but how many
sane people can whoop ass? It's the crazy thugs we need to worry about!
There are other
accessorising options for the thug look. I recommend wrapping a piece of foil
around a tooth (also known as a Toof) for that "Dirty South" thug look. And you can also color in some
facial hair with a marker. It's never a bad idea to have a 40 ounce bottle of
malt liquor, and sporting a clip-on cell phone is big pimpin', too.
