by: Dr. Boogie

...CONTINUED

Lance is pissed. It was bad enough that he was scratched by a bullet that somehow caused his arm to go numb days later. Now, he screams over and over again, "I got the poison in my blood!" Rather than spend his few remaining minutes surrounded by friends (and one evil rich guy), Lance would rather hurl himself overboard and flail about in the ocean for a little while.

Bobbie gets knocked over the side as well when Lance takes the plunge. Martin and Corey leap in to rescue the both of them, but Lance doesn't want to be saved, and Bobbie is... dead. That's what I'm assuming, anyway. They don't manage to bring either of them back on board, so I guess Bobbie must have stuffed the ship's anchor into her pocket as she was falling.

The team gathers around the fire to reflect on another successful day stranded in the middle of the ocean with a killer cat. Rachel points out that they're out of fresh water, but on the upshot, they have plenty of champagne! And two less mouths to feed!

Poor Suzanne, though. The trauma of seeing her friend fall to her mysterious death, combined with the horrifying realization that she had sex with Corey, has caused her to snap. She snarls at Martin's assurance that the engine is almost fixed, saying that, "That thing's gonna bite us, and we're all gonna die a horrible death." No Suzanne, you're going to die horrible "deaths." Inevitable death by cat is no excuse for poor grammar.

The next day (how many days has it been?), Corey comes up with a stupid idea: let Walter out of his room. Great thinking, Corey! I'll bet Suzanne won't have anything to say about you releasing the man who threatened to shoot her in the head. Lord knows she's not under a whole lot of stress right now.

Inexplicably, Martin agrees with Corey. He's supposed to be the smart one! Jesus, why don't you just give him the gun while you're at it!?

God dammit.

Corey's plan to kill the cat involves spreading poisoned around the engine room. Makes sense to me: cat tries to poison them, so they poison him back. "I'll show Martin he's not the only smart one," Corey smugly remarks. Well, you did arm the prisoner, Corey, so...

After a few hours, Corey goes back to check on his traps. Miraculously, he has reclaimed the gun from Walter. Even though the cat could be anywhere, even though the area where Corey set the traps is the most likely spot for the cat to show up, Corey still decides to check his traps alone. Sure enough, the cat jumps out at him. What follows is absolutely magical:

In a movie filled with incompetent jackasses, Corey takes things to a whole new level. Shooting wildly at the cat, he uses all the remaining bullets, breaches the hull, and blows open a steam pipe that sprays him with a lethal amount of steam. And all of that in a mere twenty seconds! That must be some kind of record.

And so, having demonstrated that Martin is, indeed, the only smart on, Corey is the latest to get a burial at sea.

The good news just keeps on coming: the cat has managed to tears its way into the metal cabinet where they were hiding all the food. In Martin's own words, the cat must have "pried through the sheet metal by itself with its own paws." Why not? It's certainly no less difficult to believe than the poison angle.

So now there's no food left at all. Suzanne and Walter give into despair. Walter briefly considers using the lifeboat to escape, but Rachel convinces him that staying with the yacht is their only chance to get spotted by someone. The two of them getting into brief spat over the circumstances that led to Rachel's father losing the boat, but really, who cares? During their fight, Rachel drops the keys to the cabinets where the poisoned food is locked up. With no food left to ration out, it seems like the only reason to lock up the contaminated food would be to keep it away from the now completely insane Suzanne.

Pity, then, that she finds the keys.

In her crazed state, Suzanne has become convinced that Martin and Rachel have been hording the food for themselves. It sounds a bit crazy, but when you think about it, Martin has been throwing around a lot of cockamamie stories and explanations for this cat. It must have seemed like he was lying when he offered up that lame explanation of how the cat managed to get into the cabinet where the food was kept. Suzanne tries some of the "poisoned" food, and giggles with maniacal glee when she finds herself not dead. For a moment, her emotionless stare and insane twitching really lend a certain tension to the scene, as you get the distinct impression that you're really seeing a woman who is losing her-

Aw, look at the cute kitty with his widdle kitty face!

What was I saying about tension? Eh, it doesn't matter. Suzanne is worried that the cat has come to kill her, but no. He's merely there to enjoy the show.

Yep, turns out the food was poisoned. Who'da thunk.

Not to get off on a tangent, but maybe all cats are poisonous. I once got scratched by a cat, and the scratch puffed up a bunch for a couple hours. I'll bet I just have a tolerance to cat poison. Otherwise, I'd have sprouted a big throbbing goiter and keeled over after a couple seconds of hammy "sick" acting.

There's no time to bury Suzanne at sea, as this shot of a child's toy boat clearly shows. The yacht is caught up in a storm just as the remaining crew finally notices that hole that Corey shot in the hull. Walter wants to fix it, but Rachel explains that, "it depends on the storm." What the hell is that supposed to mean!? Is she hoping a bolt of lightning will seal the hole shut?

Well, what she meant to say was "Abandon ship!" The three of them prepare to board their doomed little lifeboat, but first Walter has to retrieve his attache cases full of cash. It's surprising how just a couple hours ago, he had given up all hope of being rescued, but not, as he prepares to board a tiny lifeboat in the middle of the ocean with no food or water, he's suddenly optimistic about their chances of being rescued.

Aw, look at the fuzzy kitty! How did you stay completely dry when the water in that room is waist-deep?

Walter has already retrieved two of his cash cases. All he has to do to live long enough to put this whole embarrassing episode behind him is leave that last briefcase with the cat. That cat has already killed two people (plus the four people who killed themselves because of the cat). Given all that, what do you think Walter decides to do in this situation?

That's right, he goes for it. What's the worst that could happen?

Oh yeah, that one thing that's been happening since they left port. Walter is so beguiled, so positively entranced by the sheer awfulness of the cat puppet, that he does absolutely nothing to defend himself as the mutant cat emerges from the housecat that he is apparently wearing like a furry wetsuit. Neither does Walter do a whole lot when the creature clumsily attaches itself to his neck.

I am so tired of looking at these people. Martin, kind soul that he is, wants to make sure Walter comes with them.

You're a biologist, Martin. What would you recommend to man suffering from a torn open face?

Satisfied that he's done all he can do aboard the yacht, Martin grabs the remaining briefcase and rejoins Rachel in the lifeboat. Together, they watch as the yacht sinks.

Martin is curious about what was so great about these brief cases. Both he and Rachel are surprised to find that they're stuffed with cash. I was surprised too, because we saw that same case open up and spill cash everywhere during Walter's struggle with the cat. No wonder Walter was willing to risk his life for that briefcase. I know I'd risk my life if it meant getting a magic briefcase.

Speaking of briefcases full of cash, what happened to the other two that Walter already loaded onto the lifeboat? Ah, nevermind. Just be glad you got one.

"There must be a million dollars in there," Rachel exclaims. Yes, that money could help the two of you start a new life.

"Enough to buy a new boat," Martin shouts. Yeah, we know.

"And to finance a study of doctoral biology!" Alright already! We get it; you both have backstories! You don't have to rub it in our faces! Just let the upbeat music take us peacefully to the end credits.

Waaugh! The cat's alive! And he's a great swimmer! And he can fly! Martin wrestles with the soaking wet puppet and manages to toss it over the side without getting bitten. At last, the nightmare is finally...

"Oh, Rachel, it's not over yet!"

It should be! End! END!!!

Martin tosses the cat overboard, AGAIN. "It won't leave us alone as long as we're the only floating object." Whatever you say, Martin, you bearded sack of crap. Just throw the damn briefcase over like I know you want to. Rachel has the foresight to empty out the cash before he tosses the case. Unfortunately, the heavy metal attache case sinks immediately and the cat jumps right back onto the boat.

Nah, I'm just kidding. The cat graciously accepts the case as its personal watercraft. At long last, the cat has finally been defeated.

The next morning, or a week from now, or a month from now, who cares? Why won't this movie end!? Whenever it is, Martin and Rachel are talking to... some official-looking guy... somewhere. He discounts their story of a monster attacking their boat. Nevertheless, he gives them back their bag of money he never bothered to examine and they leave. Wonderful.

Later, a boy picks up a black cat on the beach. We know it's not the monster cat because that cat is either a fuzzy orange cat, or a scruffy, badger-like creature. Therefore, there is no need to worry about a sequel. The end.

Sure, this movie had a horrible premise, but at least the acting was terrible. Sure, the plot was weak, but at least the dialog was stilted. Sure, the creature effects were laughable, but at least the soundtrack made me envy the deaf.

I have to imagine that at some point during production, an animal handler was bringing the adorable orange cat onto the set, laughing as he said to the crew, "make way for the 'monster!'" And when he heard that, Greydon Clark must have realized that he made a horrible, horrible mistake. Somewhere deep within the thick bony shell protecting a boiled peanut that he calls a brain, Greydon Clark knew that no one would be scared of this creature. And he made the movie anyway.

Well the joke's on you, Greydon: I still like cats.

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