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So at the
45-family yard sale that I
recently went to, I managed to pick up some pretty good stuff. I
snagged some old Playstation games for dirt cheap, a Mattel electronic
classic baseball game, a "Mr. Mouth" board game, and yes... my very own
Darth Maul 3-D Figure Painter set.
I can't
believe this thing originally retailed for 10 bux, then again the
amount of Star Wars merchandise that was in stores when "Episode I"
came out was fairly absurd anyway. I got this thing for a mere 50
cents. No, I don't like Darth Maul, nor do I like Episode I. I just
figured this would be a great opportunity for me to vent... all for 50
cents.
There
were 3 different paint figures that you could purchase, but how do
they expect me to paint Darth Maul exactly the way he's pictured in
the photo when they don't even supply all of those paint colors? His
yellow eyes are one of his trademarks, but there's no yellow paint
provided? Pfft. 10 bux my ass.
As you
can see, instead of being a nice ceramic statue, the thing is made of
cheap plastic. This is definitely disappointing, because if the paint
job came out crappy, I'd at least want the satisfaction of being able
to throw it into a wall and smash it into a thousand shards. Actually,
I'd probably want that satisfaction even if the paint job came out
nice. It is Darth Maul we're talking about here...
At first
glance, the unpainted statue kinda looked like Mother Theresa to me.
Granted, Mother Theresa wasn't an evil Sith warrior as far as I know,
but I'm sure she could kick some ass if she was pushed too far.
Now
Darth comes with a clear plastic lightsaber, but he can just as easily
hold the paint brush. He can also hold a lollipop quite nicely too.
Sure, he doesn't look as threatening, but you gotta admit - it'd be
pretty damned amusing to see a bunch of Jedi and Sith warriors
fighting with oversized Charm's Blowpops. Hell, now that's a movie I'd
pay to see. Seeing all of them fight with lollipops is one of the only
things that could salvage Star Wars Episode I in my eyes.
Great,
so not only do they barely supply you with enough paint to get the job
done, but the stuff is practically dried out. Fortunately, I was able
to use a little bit of water to get the paint ready to go. And so,
rather than try to paint Darth Maul in the suggested fashion, I
decided to give the chump a makeover.
Much
better don't you agree? He's now a blind Sith with bleeding eye
sockets. He's also part-robot, hence the metal hands and feet. Still,
I couldn't help but feel that something was missing. I didn't feel
that he looked like a fighter anymore. Instead, he just looked like a
guy who was about to shove a flagpole into the ground. Well, Darth
didn't have a flag, but I wasn't going to let that stop me. So I
loaded up my label printer and voila!
Now THAT
is a Darth Maul who could easily please any true Star Wars fan. THAT
is a Darth Maul who should have been in Episode I. THAT is the only
Darth Maul that anyone could look up to. In fact, I don't think he
should even be called Darth Maul any longer. His new name is "Bloody
Eyes McDoogle" ok?
There's only one in
existence. Now, we all know that a hand-painted statue by yours truly is
worth MILLIONS, but I'm going to auction it off on eBay and
start the bidding at a measly $9.00! So here's your chance to own a
priceless piece of art. Good luck!
click here to place a bid!
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