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So I'm
surfing around the Internet the other day and I found myself thinking,
"If you took away all the porn, what would be left of your surfing?"
Not so easily said as done, mostly because as my boss will tell you,
once I get looking at porn on the web while at work, I pretty much
can't stop unless you turn a fire hose on me! But to be fair, recent
studies show that 99.9995% of all web sites are either gambling or
pornography, and I have a gambling problem.
Anyway, a few friends in the IT department showed me how with a
complicated series of filters, it's possible to find the .0005%
remaining non-porn non-gambling sites, and I was astounded to find
that the internet has a lot of very amusing pictures of cats looking
funny or doing funny stuff, often with funny captions!
Well, I'm funny, and I do like cats, and there are a lot of cats in my
neighborhood, and I sure do have a lot of free time on my hands since
the Boss said "It's either internet porn or your job, Burbank,
these water bills are killing me!" SO! In little more time than it
took to fill up my house with a whole lot of cats and take pictures of
them doing funny things, I had my own funny and cute Internet cat
picture page created!
While I intend to make this a thriving internet business, a local
businessman I met lurking outside my kids school tells me it's best to
give the first 'taste' away 'free', so hold on to your 'hats' folks!
'Cause I'm told that when your 'sides split' your 'hat' often falls
off, and these pictures of funny cats are true knee-slappers, which
can also make your 'hat' fall off!
RUFUS
HAH! This is my cat, Rufus, and is he a hilarious little scamp, or
what? He cracks me up, with this look! It's like he's saying "Oh,
boy, is my human taking a picture of me again?! I have so had it with
that." He's got that look on his 'puss' 24/7 and it never fails to
cheer me up! Like the other day, my wife says to me, "I swear to
God, I can't take you getting fired anymore! One more time and I am so
leaving you!" Well, I gotta tell you, I felt pretty down, but ol'
Ruf just gives me that look of his, like "Man, just how long did
you think she was going to stay with you anyways?" I had to laugh!
Now he's
all "You did WHAT?!" I think that is so funny, the way his eyes
are all big and shit, like he's totally surprised by my behavior and a
lot of the time I'm not even doing anything when he looks at me that
way. He's hilarious!
Okay, in
this one he's just sleeping which admittedly is not that funny, but it
certainly is cute, right? The way he's sleeping? He's just so CUTE!
Like he's just going, "Look, I'm sleeping here, can you shut up?
I'll go with your wife when she leaves and then what will you be?
Lonely, that's what."
So, as much of a laugh riot as Rufus is, I found some cats that were
even funnier! Now, don't get jealous, Rufus! You're MY cat,
which means you're not going to the shelter when the photo shoot is
over! I'm just kidding, I'll just shoo 'em all out the back door and
if they end up in a shelter I guess that's God's will.
WHISKERS
This is
my downstairs neighbor's cat Whiskers, and I caught him in my laundry
hamper!! And he was like "Oh, am I in your laundry hamper? How did
that happen?" Like it just happened all on it's own or like
somebody picked him up in the hallway and took him upstairs and put
him in the laundry hamper to take a funny picture! ALL cats are
natural comedians, but Whiskers has this ultra-dry sense of humor that
really makes me laugh! The Laundry Hamper!!
ORSON
Actually, as priceless as this picture is, cats don't get this fat
unless they are really, really sick. But its not like my not taking a
picture of it would cure it. And I'm pretty sure you laughed before
you thought about how sick he must be, which I did too. His name isn't
really 'Orson'; I just call him that after Orson Welles who got really
obese before he died.
KARATE KAT
This is
a neighborhood cat I lured in with some food, and he does the most
hysterical stuff if you wait 'til he's sleeping and set off an air
horn right behind him! He's soooooo funny and cute, the way he jumps
up and he kind of goes "WAAAAAH!" I thought it looked like he
was trying to do karate, so I call him Karate Kat, even though what
he's actually doing is freaking out over a loud unexpected noise.
Listen, pictures these funny don't make themselves!
BOOZECAT
Doesn't
it look like this cat I found is drunk and watching TV? I think this
is so funny, but I guess only if a cat does it, 'cause did my wife
ever yell at me when she found me in this exact same position when I
told her I was going to be out job hunting. And here's something
ironic, while this picture is very, very funny, getting it was
anything but! My forearms were clawed to hamburger before that cat was
drunk enough to just lay there like that!
NANA
AND POOPSY
Boy,
thank God for fast shutter speed! 'Cause this picture sure didn't stay
funny long. I tried and tried to think of a funny caption for it, but
having been there I just can't even though I know this is a funny
picture. I guess if I was more of a dog person than a cat person I
could think of one.
BUSTER AND LILO
Okay,
this is weird, I was TOTALLY able to come up with a funny
caption for this one, but the EXACT SAME THING happened as with
the last dog and cat shot, except even less was left over! What's that
about? Honest to God, comedy is a mystery.
MISSYCAT
Okay,
this is a little cruel. I could lie and tell you Missycat likes water,
I mean there are a few cats that do, but I think if you look at the
picture you'll see she's not one of them. I think you have to admit;
it's a funny picture though. I mean look at the eyes! They're huge!
It's like she's going, "OH GOD, OH GOD, I'M SO AFRAID OF WATER,
JESUS, JESUS, SOMEBODY HELP ME, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!"
JIMMY
Okay,
strictly speaking I'm pretty sure Jimmy isn't a cat, but seriously
while I don't know what the hell it is, I'm guessing it's totally
illegal for the Johnson's to have one, which is where I found it in a
cage in a room that otherwise had tropical birds and one monkey. What
I'm saying is, I don't think it's something the Johnson's will report,
which is just as well, because after what happened I can't give him
back. I just wish it hadn't happened so fast, because if I somehow
could have got the whole scenario after he escaped on video, my funny
cat web page would be famous, even if Jimmy obviously isn't a cat.
Especially the part where my wife comes in and it jumps up on her face
and I'm already coming at it with the broom. LOL gold, my friends. LOL
gold.
Questions or Comments about this piece?
email Max Burbank
If you enjoyed this
piece, be sure to check out:
Penny For Your Thoughts, Sad Clown?
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