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There's not too many reasons to go to your local dollar store, unless
of course, you have a strange addiction to purchasing 4-packs of "101
Dalmatians" Pudding Snacks that have been there for well over five
years or of course toys with
hidden nazi propaganda within
them. But there is one item that has been covered with a $1 dollar
shroud of mystery for decades.
MYSTERY SURPRISE GRAB
BAGS!
Not only
are these bags filled with unknown goodies (or horrors) but there are
separate bags made specifically for boys or girls. With 3 dollars
in-hand, three of us ventured out to the local dollar shop to finally
uncover just what in the hell was in these bags. The things we do for
you people...
Proto
was the first to cautiously remove the ultra-secure staple which has
kept a tight seal on the secrets of the dollar mystery bags for so
many years. What a brave lad! So what did he find within the dark
depths of his mystery bag?
Nothing
worth spending a dollar on, that's for damned sure. For the record,
the contents of his bag included:
-
Magic
Dough (generic playdough that smells like cookies, so perhaps it's
actually cookie dough?)
-
4
Butterscotch candies (the kind that your parents tell you not to eat
after they inspect your Halloween candies because they worry they
might be poisoned)
-
2
Tootsie Rolls (both capable of cracking a tooth)
-
1
Strawberry Tootsie Roll Pop
-
1 pack
of Smarties
-
2
extremely cheap toy cars
-
3
balloons (all of which had a strange, sticky white substance on them.
In other words, you'd probably catch a disease trying to blow-up these
balloons)
Sorry your grab bag
sucked Proto, care for a 101 Dalmatians Pudding snack?
Next up
is Andrew-etta. He had to play our girl for the day because we didn't
have a female on-hand who was willing to come to the dollar store to
buy a mystery surprise grab bag. Go figure, huh?
Hmm, ok
so how is this catered to girls? Let's see what we've got here...
-
2 mints
(the kind you can get a handful of for free at just about any
goddamned restaurant on earth)
-
2 Tongue
Splashers bubble gum balls.
-
1
chocolate Tootsie Roll pop
-
Another
shitty balloon
-
Magic
Dough
-
A pencil
with shiny purple swirly designs (oooh!)
-
A pack
of playing cards
Ahh yes,
it's that last item that really makes me see why this is a girls grab
bag.
Ah yes, the Ace of
Spades. Lemmy would be proud. You go girl!
Last in
line was my bag, would I draw the lucky bag or would I get the exact
same stuff as Proto got in his manly mystery bag? Well let's take a
gander...
Hey, now
that's not a bad haul, well at least compared to the other bags. All
of the candies are name brands even! Ok, I really shouldn't be this
excited. My bag came with the following:
-
4 packs
of Tongue Splashers bubble gum
-
4 packs
of Smarties
-
2 packs
of smaller Smarties
-
2 more
of those cheap-assed toy cars
-
1 jug o'
Sour Apple Scented Miracle Bubbles
I'd have
to say that the bubbles are the best thing to come out of these 3
bags. And they really do smell like apples, which is only going to
make kids want to drink the bubble mix until they puke up their
innards.
Just
remember kiddies, whenever you're blowing bubbles, keep that pinky out
like a proper young man and practice bubble blowing safety!
So what have we
learned from the dollar store today? The lesson is simple.
Poker Games =
Girls
Blowing Bubbles =
Boys
Got it? Good.
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