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In its
short lifespan, the Sega CD hosted a pantload of crappy games. For every one game that was worth having, you had five
games that were filled with poorly acted FMV and zero gameplay. Which
is probably why they quit making games for it so quickly. Anyway,
among the handful of notable titles was a real gem of a fighting game
called Eternal Champions: Challenge from the Dark Side.
As the story goes, the destruction of mankind is traced back to the
untimely deaths of several key individuals throughout history. To
avert this tragedy, a faceless, glowing blue man called the Eternal
Champion whisks said persons away moments before their deaths and has
them compete in a fighting tournament, the winner of which will be
returned to change his or her destiny.
And it was a great game. You had ninjas fighting acrobats, cyborgs
attacking pharaohs, and those were just the regular characters. The
secret characters were even more bizarre, among them an acupuncturist,
an owl, and even death himself. This piece, however, is dedicated to
an even more unusual character, and one of the most unusual characters
ever to appear in a fighting game:
The Senator.
That's right; as part of some kind of weird political commentary by
the games creators, you could actually play as an elected official.
Just take a look at his bio:
Occupation: Politician, or corrupt puppet of the lobbyists
Time Zone: 1995 AD
Fighting Style: Dishonesty
Using deceit and lies the senator can deliver a wide variety of
underhanded moves. He can also abuse and misuse the political powers
that were given to him. The most dangerous weapon he has is a total
lack of morals.
Biography: The Senator made a living by voting the ways of special
interest groups and creating issues to make himself popular. Given his
lifetime membership in the good-old-boys club, he was surprised when
he wasn't supported by his party for re-election.
It seems that he once voted for a Human rights issue and his party was
angry that humanity was considered above their personal profits. When
he lost in a landslide election after spending millions of his own
money, he died of a massive heart attack.
Goal: If the Senator was to recover from his bad case of death by
winning the contest, he would attempt to came back and make up for his
years of civil abuse, maybe.
At this point, you're probably wondering how it is that he could use
his political powers in a brutal deathmatch. Therein lays the secret
of the Senator's greatness as a character. His special moves are all
politically-themed. Don't worry if you don't have any clue what I'm
getting at; I have a few of his moves outlined for your viewing
pleasure. To assist me, I have enlisted the help of Marvel Comic's
vampire-hunting superhero, Blade:
Let's begin.
Red Tape:
In a truly bureaucratic move, the Senator wraps his enemy up in red
tape. Now that's an abuse of political power.
Ban Violence:
He learned this one from Joe Lieberman. The Senator imposes a ban on
violence, starting with his foes. If they should get "banned", they'll
be unable to attack him for a little while.
Diplomatic Immunity:
The senator becomes completely invulnerable to both criticism and
vicious beatings when he dons his patriotic apparel. Accompanying the
move is the first few notes from the national anthem. God bless
America!
Donate:
Using his mighty wallet, the Senator lifts his opponent off the
ground, flips them upside down, and sucks a campaign donation right
out of them.
Rebuttal:
The Senator deflects his opponents (and their projectiles) by standing
behind a podium and angrily pointing at them, possibly while shouting
about freedom or 9/11. You also get to hear the first few notes of
"Hail to the Chief."
And my personal favorite…
Voter Pin Stab:
Prior to those wimpy "I voted" stickers for sissies, we had metal
buttons with lethally sharp pins. The Senator makes good use of said
pins, and fills his opponents with civic pride as he lances them with
the deadly pins.
After reading all that how can you not love the Senator? As if cool
moves weren't enough, his stage is Washington DC, complete with a
heavy metal version of "Hail to the Chief." Not to mention his victory
pose.
Nothing says "I'm in touch with the common man" like fishing gear. The
only way this pose could be any better is if he made his wife and kids
magically appear, perhaps by snapping his fingers, for a publicity
shot.
With characters like the Senator, I don't know why Sega never made any
sequels to Eternal Champions for the next generation of consoles.
Maybe if they had made a couple, they might still be in the console
market. The jerks. Furthermore, what modern fighting game wouldn't
benefit from having an elected official as a character? I'd vote for 'em.
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