THE
KING OF JING-A-LING
Christmas is coming, X-mas
Is coming, get me something
Big off my wish list,
Make me happy, make me happy,
Your responsibility
Is to make me happy
‘Cause I'll kill myself
If I'm not satisfied,
Christmas is coming,
Not that I'm
pressuring you;
Ha-ha-ho-ho,
Lights, candy, mistletoe
If you don't kiss me I'll
Blow my fucking brains out,
If you're not naked
Underneath The Tannenbaum
I'll swallow Rat poison
But I might anyway
It's not a big deal,
The thought is what counts,
Christmas is coming,
I have a nosebleed
It's gonna be great
This is the big year
Destined to make up
For all of the other years,
Egg Nog and Yuletide
Vehicular suicide
All on the menu
If you disappoint me...
Hey!
Did I just hear hoofbeats?
Up on the rooftop?
I better have.
JUST LIKE THE CHRIST CHILD
Even though I'm
Forty-three
Every year as
The last present is
Unwrapped, no
Matter how hard I
Resist, I think
To myself
"What? That's it?
That's all I got?"
LIKE COMMUNISM IN THE FIFTIES
John Denver croaked his ass
In one of them super lightweight
Personal Aero Plane type deals.
They found a dead body
In Big Birds' shed.
Christmas with the Muppets
Ain't what it used to be.
HOLIDAY TREATS
They say I'm getting fat but
I'm just practicing the ancient
Body modification ritual
Of eating a mountain
Of shit until I
Get big as a house
So back off
You unspiritual bastard.
CLARICE
I'm thinking of you
Again like always
This time of year
Those damn eyelashes,
Rankin and Bass
What have you done
To me you sons
Of Bitches?
ANTI SEMITISM
When I was a kid
In rural Massachusetts
I used to explain
Hanukkah during
The Christmas Assembly
Until fourth grade when
I figured out
No one was
Making me do it.
I'll tell you what,
I'd put dollars
To donuts any
Day of the week
The guy that wrote
The Dreidel Song
Was a Goy.
GUERNICA ON THE ISLAND OF MISFIT TOYS
Santa never came. That's
Just a cover
Story for chumps. It
Was death from above.
Only the Cowboy
Riding an Ostrich
Survived, playing
Dead amongst
A heap of slaughtered
Toys. The Doll with the
Red Hair died in his
Arms and he
Never even knew
What was wrong
With her.
