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The
status of celebrity carries with it many responsibilities. In exchange
for being paid millions of dollars to pretend to be someone you're
not, and being for all intents and purposes above the law, one must
endure nosy paparazzi and the constant threat of being "punk'd." Worst
of all, celebrities must submit to being the subjects of humiliating
"where are they now" documentaries that show just how far they've
sunk. This is one of those documentaries:
Pro Wrestling told the story of five valiant men, and one hideous lake
monster, struggling to win the title of Grand Wizard of Wrestling. But
what happened to them after the events of the game? Did they burn off
into obscurity like Karnov, or did they catapult to the top of a
stagnant gaming empire like the Mario Brothers? The answer lies
somewhere betwixt the two. And now, imagine some fancy visuals and
musical accompaniment as I introduce Pro Wrestling: Where Are They
Now?
Fighter Hayabusa had the honor of always being the first one to fight.
However, he was a man who carried great sorrow on his brown-edged
shoulders, for he was adopted, and had never met his true father. In
1989, he was given the chance to meet his real dad when word reached
him that Ryu Hayabusa had come to America looking for the man who had
killed his father. Upon hearing the news, Fighter took the next
available flight to New York, and in a seedy tavern, he confronted his
biological father…
Shortly thereafter, the high drama gave way to much hugging, and
Fighter was soon back with his real family. At first, his adopted
father objected to the idea, but he dropped his objections after Ryu
split him in 'twain. Ah, the happy family.
The horrific man monster known only as "The Amazon" has had a
particularly rough ride. As you can imagine, finding work is no small
feat when you're a grotesque, Lovecraftian beast. Small children are
urged not to stare at him, and grown men balk at the mere sight of
him. Try as he might, he failed every audition, and the less said
about his brief career as a swimsuit model the better. Few people know
this, but he was originally slated to star in Rampage:
Sadly, it was not to be, as the Amazon was forced to withdraw from the
project when he was sued by Universal Studios for kidnapping Hollywood
actress Julie Adams, as seen below:
Giant Panther, like many of the wrestlers, chose to remain on the
circuit. He was a crowd favorite with his array of deadly moves like
the flying knee and the face push. Yes, it seemed like the money train
would never stop coming for ol' GP. Tragedy occurred, however, when
just last year, Giant Panther was taking a flight to Barcelona to have
a match with the Spicy Marimba. Airport security mistook him for a
Middle Easterner on account of his deep tan, and proceeded to beat him
within an inch of his life right there in the terminal:
He is currently being held for crimes that have not yet been disclosed
by the government, but it's a small price to pay for our safety,
right? Right.
Star Man, purple purveyor of punishment, also wished to remain in the
leagues. And so he remained for some time. "From whence came this
swarthy extraterrestrial," you may be asking? In truth, it was from
none other than Mexico that this mysterious visitor came, according to
his bio. Indeed, it seems that Star Man was not just an alien, but an
illegal alien. In 1995, INS discovered that he was here on an expired
visa, and promptly deported him. Despite this major setback, Star Man
has maintained his career as a pro wrestler in the Mexican wrestling
leagues:
Vaya con Dios, mi amigo.
The story of King Slender is even more tragic than that of Giant
Panther (perhaps Tragic-er, you could say). He was slated for a match
one night when he decided that he would give the crowd a real show
during his introduction. Minutes before his match, he would make his
way up to the catwalks overlooking the ring and lower himself down a
length of rope, all the while beaconing to his fans to increase their
cheering. At first, the plan went well, as the crowd cheered, and King
Slender blew them kisses. Unfortunately, he made one extremely
exaggerated kiss to an especially attractive lady in the audience, and
in the process lost his grip on the rope.
The fall snapped his neck like a twig, and he was dead well before the
paramedics arrived. Adding insult to (fatal) injury, the woman he had
blown that final kiss to hated professional wrestling, and was only
there because she wanted to confront Slender's opponent, The Rear
Admiral, about the illegitimate children he had left her with.
Kin Corn Karn loved to play the role of villain. He frequently taunted
the audience, and brutalized his opponents with moves like the "'Me So
Solly' Flipkick," and the infamous "Korean Barbeque." However, in the
years to come, there would be little demand in professional wrestling
for a wrestler whose act was based primarily on ethnic slurs. Karn was
summarily laid off, and none of the other wrestling organizations
wanted anything to do with his highly-offensive shenanigans. It was
for this reason that Kin Corn Karn was forced to abandon the life of a
professional wrestler and settle into a more pedestrian lifestyle. He
currently works as a ride operator at Disney World.
And there you have it. The life of a pro wrestler is fraught with
opportunities and perils. While many would be told about what a pity
it was, only a select few would be told that a winner is them. The
rest were doomed to sulk. I'd like to end this piece with a plea to my
audience: please give what you can to the King Slender Memorial Fund.
Your donations will go to help the widows of svelte monarchs around
the world. Thank you.
note:
You may have noticed that "The Great Puma" was mysteriously absent
from this story. Our researchers weren't able to establish any real
facts about his current whereabouts. We've only heard rumors about him
going mad and hunting deer with his bare hands in the mountains. Again
these are just rumors and we can only speculate about their validity.
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