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With the
holidays creeping up on us, I figured that another installment of my
"Stupid Toys" series was in order if for no other reason than to
inform you about what toys should NOT be on your shopping list.
Well, at least don't buy 'em for anybody you actually like. And now,
on with the latest batch o' stupid toys!
MACGYVER TOYS:
For some
reason, there was never a big MacGyver toyline released in the
United States. Sure, you could pick up some random accessories like a
toy pocket knife, but as far as a real toyline goes, they never made
one. What, the
Love Boat can get a toyline of
their own but not Mac? What a load of shit.
One
company, Glasslite, did take a shot at producing a line based on
MacGyver but it was only released in Brazil. Sadly, there was only one
figure in the toyline and it was, of course, MacGyver himself. What,
no Pete? No Dr. Zito? No Murdoc? Come on! Furthermore, the MacGyver
figure is way off. Notice the orange hair? He looks more like
Richie Cunningham than Richard Dean Anderson. If you're going to make
a MacGyver figure the ONE thing you simply cannot screw around with is
the hair. The man had a brown masterpiece mullet, and to give a
MacGyver figure a matted down redhead hairdo is blasphemy.
On top
of that, what's with the extremely short jacket? Was there an episode
in which MacGyver went bullfighting? Because that's the only
explanation I can come up with here. Nice job Glasslite; you turned a mulleted crime-fighting hero into a gay bullfighting version of Richie
Cunningham.
Oh, but
that's not all...
MacGyver
apparently drove a Ferrari instead of a jeep. Yep, can't you just
picture Mac pulling away from the marina in his hot new red Ferrari?
Totally his style. And if the Ferrari isn't to your liking, they also
made a safari Nissan with giant monster truck wheels... you know, in
case he had to battle Gravedigger. His facial expression on the
packages says it all folks. Hey Glasslite, before you're finished
pissing on our memories, what say you give MacGyver a gun while you're
at it? Then the tainting of Mac will be complete.
Oh wait,
some other company in Spain already beat you to it. PERFECT!
BARBIE DOLL AND TANNER DOG:
Now this
is fantastic. If there's one thing I've ever associated Barbie
with, it's gotta be feces. Meet "Tanner" - Barbie's pet dog who
will play fetch, wag his tail, and eat his own poop. Yes, you read
that right. Allow me to explain: You have Barbie feed Tanner these
"dog biscuits" and later on, he'll feel the need to take a dump -
just like a real dog! The dog biscuits have a metal core so that
Barbie can pick them up with her magnetic pooper-scooper and drop them
in a trash can, but why even bother with that? You're already
confusing the kids by feeding the dog biscuits to Tanner and then
having him poop them out. How are they supposed to know which is a dog
biscuit and which is poop? They can't. And since the dog biscuits and
feces are one and the same, you can just let Tanner eat his own poop
rather than have Barbie pick them up. Then Barbie can get back to
puking up any food she ate in the past hour so she can maintain that
waif-like figure of hers. What a great role model for little girls!
Fun
scene to act out with your new Barbie toy: stick one of the
biscuit/fecal pellets in Barbie's pants and have her start walking.
When she shits herself, the poop will fall out of her pant leg. You
can then have her loyal friend Tanner run up and eat the poop like the
good dog he is!
KABA
KICK:
Do I
really need to even explain why this toy is stupid? Ok, fine, I will.
Kaba Kick is a game of Russian Roulette that any kid can enjoy.
Simply place the gun to your head and pull the trigger. If you don't
get hit by the pair of feet that kick out of the barrel, you'll get
some points. And don't worry kids, I know this game isn't easy to come
by in stores, but if you go into daddy's top desk drawer where he
keeps all his porn and gin, you'll find a gun in there that you can
use instead. Sure, it may not look as colorful as the Kaba Kick gun,
but I promise it's just as fun! Go on, try it!
THE
MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE ETERNIA PLAYSET:
I'm sure
a lot of people think I'm crazy for including the Eternia
playset on the list since most kids dreamed of owning this toy
back in the 80's. Yes I know the playset was huge, had a ton of
features and was considered to be the ultimate battle ground for
He-Man and the Masters of the Universe... but that doesn't mean there
still wasn't something stupid about it too, so hear me out.
Eternia
came with a monorail system. Let's forget about the fact that they
already had plenty of vehicles that could fly and probably get
you to your destination much faster. What I want to focus on is what
stops the monorail makes. It goes to Eternia, it goes to Castle
Grayskull, but here's the kicker... it also goes to Snake Mountain.
Yes, that's right, apparently they wanted to make it easy for Skeletor
and his minions to come attack Castle Grayskull or Eternia by
providing them with a convenient monorail system which stopped right at Snake
Mountain.
If
you're like me, you've been on plenty of trains and subways before,
and at some point you missed your stop. Maybe you overslept, maybe
you were reading a magazine... whatever the case may have been, you
missed your stop. Now just imagine you're some random, useless
Masters of the Universe character - Zodac the Cosmic Enforcer for
example. You're on your way to Eternia from Castle Grayskull, but what if
accidentally you miss your stop while on the monorail? That's
right, you end up smack dab in the middle of Snake Mountain and your
life is completely fucked until He-Man comes to rescue you. And he
won't come, because you're Zodac and nobody really cares about you.
I don't
know who the engineer behind the Eternia monorail system was, but
having Snake Mountain as one of its stops along the way was truly a stroke of sheer
genius.
That's all for the
3rd installment of "Stupid Toys". I'll try
to crank out another piece featuring more
of 'em in the near future. Don't forget... if you have any suggestions for
stupid toys that
you'd like me to cover,
please drop me a line!
Questions or Comments about this piece?
email -RoG-
If you enjoyed this
piece, be sure to check out:
Stupid Toys: Part 1!
and
Stupid Toys: Part 2!
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