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Richmond, VA. It's far from the most exciting place on earth to live.
I've often questioned whether or not it should even be considered a
city after living in places like Philadelphia and New York. Sure, you
can make a trip to Williamsburg and learn all about the wonderful
world of wig-making and uh... cannonballs... but what does Richmond
have to offer? Well, they have a knack for picking the seemingly
hottest day of the year to throw a big event together in Carytown in
which everybody goes shopping for discounted merchandise, fried foods,
and plenty o' watermelon. Yes indeed, I'm speaking of The
Watermelon Festival!
During
the annual Watermelon Festival Cary street is filled with outdoor
vendors and people as far as the eye can see in both directions.
Jugglers, musicians, rides, store sales, independent artists, and
ungodly amounts of food. I somehow always park my car on the street
that leads straight to the
crab cakes booth. Let me tell you, in
100+ degree heat, there's nothing worse than having a hot blast of
crab cake-scented wind attack your face. It's always a great way to
start off the festival, believe me.
Ok, I
just wanted to get that picture out of the way. There's so many things
with watermelon decorations on them during the festival, it's insane.
I don't even eat watermelon. "Then why go to a watermelon festival!?"
I'll tell you why, because the local music shop "Plan 9" has some
damned good sales. We're talking CDs and DVDs for a buck 'n what not.
Hell, I got the entire Rocky box set in perfect condition for 20 bux
along with a plethora of cheezy horror flicks. That right there was
worth the trip, crab cake-scented facial blasts 'n all. Anyway, there
ya have it, a picture of a store with a big watermelon on it. Hooray!
Aside
from crab cakes and watermelons though, there really is some
appetizing stuff for sale at the festival. Sure, they've got tons of
sugary treats like funnel cakes and cotton candy, but they've also got
some extremely tasty meals from a variety of cultures for you to try.
Onlly problem is, when you're sweating buckets in heat like that, the
only thing you want to do is a) drink water and b) puke.
There's
also definitely no shortage of artists at the festival, many of whom
are offering up unique handmade items with impressive craftsmanship.
And then there's other "artists" (and I use that term lightly) who...
well...
Yep,
that's right... it's a "redneck tape measure" har har har! Sadly,
these things probably sold 5 times as much as the artists who actually
put a lot of work into their crafts, rather than some drunkard with
leftover beer cans, some string, and Jeff Foxworthy's amazing wit.
But that's just the tip of the iceberg, there's some other horrendous
redneck items for sale at the festival.
"HELL YEAH, BOY!"
Uh huh,
I can't tell whether it's saying that Native Americans have been
fighting the terrorists or if Native Americans ARE the terrorists. I'm
leaning towards the latter. Sad, sad, sad...
The kids
were all over this one. Fill up a bottle with colored sand and you'll
have a decorative rainbowtastic keepsake forever! I never understood
what the big deal was, but the kids love bright colors, so more power
to 'em. It's still not nearly as cool as "Magic Sand" though, not for
a second. Speaking of which, I recently acquired a bottle of "Magic
Sand" and for those of you not acquainted with it, you can expect a
full report on it in the near future. MAGIC! :o
As you
can see, another popular stop for kids was the airbrush tattoos booth:
Kid
1: "TATTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOS!!!!"
Kid
2: "AWEEEEESOME!!!!"
KID
1: "WHOAH! LOOK! A TRIBAL DESIGN!"
KID
2: "MY BIG BROTHER HAS ONE OF THOSE ON HIS ARM!"
KID
1: "NO WAY! HE MUST BE REALLY COOL!"
KID
2: "I DARE YOU TO GET ONE TOO!"
KID
1: "I DUNNO, AM I COOL ENOUGH?"
KID
2: "PROBABLY NOT. I THINK YOU HAVE TO HAVE A MEMBERSHIP TO SOME
KIND OF CLUB TO BE ALLOWED TO GET A TRIBAL TATTOO."
KID
1: "DAMN! I'M GONNA HAVE TO GO WITH THE BUTTERFLY THEN..."
KID
2: "THAT'S STILL PRETTY RAD!"
Not all
of the sights at the Watermelon Festival are good ones though. Take
this trashcan for example:
Now can
somebody explain to me what the hell is going on there? Did somebody
vomit-spray the side of this can with regurgitated crab cakes?
Seriously, that shit looked like it had been growing on there for
quite some time. But enough photographical nausea, let's have some fun
shall we? It's time for...
Inflatable rides are a staple of the Watermelon Festival... it's seems
like they add on more of them each year. First up is the massive
"Sinking Titanic" slide!
I dunno
about you, but I would think that plastic gets awfully hot being in
the sun all day long. It'd be one thing if it was a waterslide ride.
Then again, when you're a kid, nothing can get in the way of your fun.
Not oppressive heat, not god, NOTHING.
See what
I mean? No sane person would enter a clown's head in this kind of
weather... only a child. Look at their parents there, you can bet
you're ass they're wondering, "How in the hell are they not MELTING
in there!?!?"
They'll even enter a
giant gaping vagina of a monkey all in the name of fun! That's right,
I said it.
Actually, it's more like part monkey, part worm.
Either way, it's got a massive vagina.
Crab
cakes, children, vaginas... I can only imagine what kind of sick
bastards are gonna stumble onto my site when they enter in their
search terms on Google.
Yeah yeah, more inflatable rides. We get it...
Funnel cakes, cotton candy, Spider-Man, Tweety and more...
yep, it can all be found at the Watermelon Festival.
AHHHH,
AT LAST! SWEET SALVATION! The only thing standing in the way of me
falling into a heat-induced coma at the Watermelon Festival each year
is the good people from Turkey Hill ice cream. Unlike the other
vendors selling their sno-cones for almost 3 bux, Turkey Hill is here
each year giving out all the FREE ICE CREAM CUPS you can eat!
I'm sure it's a small chance in hell that one of their reps is reading
this piece, but I gotta say "THANKS!" anyway.
Alright,
well rather than show you photos of me gorging on 50 cups of ice
cream, I'm gonna go pop in one of my Rocky movies and call it a day.
Hope you enjoyed this tour of Carytown's annual Watermelon Festival.
And please, don't spit the seeds out on my site... this place is
already a huge mess.
On a
semi-related note, I'm sure you've all heard about the recent madness
over the $50 iBooks here in Virginia where people trampled over each
other in a mad dash for the discounted old laptops. Well, I'd just
like to say that it has made me realize our state slogan really is
true...
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