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Last
year, I
brought to your attention a half dozen of the most
commonly-misunderstood traditions of the Christmas season. Well, in the
combined spirit of gift-giving and re-gifting, I have compiled an
addendum to my list that I think you'll all find to be both
informative and informationable. So gather the wee children around the
glowing hearth of your computer monitor and prepare your minds for
blowing as I bring you the History of Christmas, Part II.
Black Friday
Though technically not part of the Christmas season because it falls
in November, Black Friday is nonetheless an important tradition. What
says "Christmas" more than getting your guts stomped out by rabid
parents, as they beat and trample each other in their mad dash to get
their hands on the most popular toy of the season to appease their
spoiled kids? The day itself originally had little to do with
shopping. It arose around the turn of the 11th century in Greenland,
of all places. As you undoubtedly know already, one of the first
settlements on the island was made by Erik the Red (the Viking, not
the comic book hero). He convinced his fellow Vikings to join him by
simply calling the island "Greenland," which later led to the
development of his second nickname, Erik the F'ing Liar. Anyway, one
of the traditions of Erik's settlement was a celebration called TWIF
(Thank Woden It's Frey's-day!), and the primary activity of the
celebration was getting completely lit up on the cheapest rotgut
around to celebrate the end of the work week. Unfortunately, the
warming effect that alcohol has on the body led many to spend just a
few hours too many outside during the somewhat chilly Greenland
winters. As a result, there was a frostbite epidemic in the
settlement, which led Erik the Red to coin the term "Black Friday," in
reference to the blackened, gangrenous extremities one earned from too
much party-heartying on Frey's-day.
Santa's Knee
Though letter-writing was once the most popular method of conveying
one's Christmas wishes to that jolly old elf, Santa Claus, a recent
decline in the quality education our children receive has bumped the
practice back to the number two slot, succeeded only by sitting on
Santa's knee and giving him your list in person. But how did this
seemingly pedophilic tradition blossom into something wholly quaint
and innocent? Most historians would have you believe that the practice
began after some sex offender offered a child gifts, if only the child
would sit in his lap. That's why most historians are jerkbags. The
tradition actually began in 1920's Chicago. Therein, the infamous
gangster Al Capone routinely made use of less than legal business
practices to secure financial success. One such method was to
"convince" a business owner to pay for "protection." Of course,
business owners would rarely agree to pay a percentage of their income
without some show of force, and damaging the store's goods didn't
always work (especially in Chicago's legendary wrought-iron anvil
district), so Capone's enforcers often had little recourse than to use
torture. The trick with torture was to make sure not to leave any
marks on the victim's body, or failing that, make sure that the marks
could have easily been caused naturally. In other words, no
red-hot-poker-in-the-eye. To this end, Capone's men devised an
ingenious method of torture: The victim would first be tied to a
chair. Then, the thugs would select from their ranks the heaviest man,
and said lardo would then drop his posterior upon the victim's knees,
often until causing a fracture. The practice became known as the
"Chicago Lapdance." Needless to say, when a heavy man is sitting on
your knees, you'll give him whatever he wants, just so long as he'll
get the hell off you. The FBI was understandably impressed by the
effectiveness of this diabolical method of extortion, and when news of
the practice spread, the more malignant-minded children of the day
attempted to duplicate the practice on mall Santas across the nation.
Obviously, they failed in their execution, as all but the most frail
of Santas could still let out a hearty, "ho ho ho" while entertaining
the demands of the small child bouncing upon their knee.
Reindeer
Christmas just wouldn't be Christmas without Santa Claus. Well, I
guess it technically would be on account of the holiday being a
celebration of the birth of Jesus, but still, I'd rather have the
perennial sleigh-driving old man deliver presents to me than the Son
of Man. After all, it's his birthday. Him giving you gifts would just
be weird and awkward. Plus, Jesus was lactose intolerant, so you
couldn't very well leave him milk and cookies. Getting back to the
matter at hand, Santa's preferred method of globe-trotting was his
sleigh, which harnessed the power of flying reindeer. Now I know what
you're thinking: "The whole story is ludicrous. Reindeer can't fly."
Well, I'm afraid I have shocking news for all of you: reindeer can
fly! Well to be accurate, they could fly. Back in the earliest part of
the 14th Century, people living in Finland were looking for an animal
that was sturdy enough to haul their sleighs through the icy tundra at
an acceptable speed. Horses could not survive in the more frigid
areas, and so the next best thing was used: reindeer. For a time, a
reindeer could be made to pull a sleigh along, but the longer it
remained harnessed, the wilder it would become. Once the animal had
reached its breaking point, it would reveal that its "antlers" were
not antlers at all; they are in fact a system of strong,
rapidly-moving wings that fluttered so rapidly as to appear to be
thick, furry antlers. The hidden wings gave the reindeer their great
land speed, and when pressed, the animal would furiously beat its
wings and take off, with sled and rider in tow. The first man to
discover this phenomenon was unfortunately lost to history, as the
people of the day knew nothing of aerodynamics, and shortly after
taking off, his sled careened out of control and smashed into a cliff.
Eventually, through domestication, the reindeer were cured of their
aerial rebellions, and their antlers became true antlers, but the
image of the novice reindeer handler being hauled into the wild blue
yonder by his beasts of burden has remained for centuries as a source
of wonder for both young and old alike.
Lump of Coal
The reason that we say naughty children will find naught but a lump of
coal in their stocking come Christmas morn is a simple story. Past
incarnations of Santa Claus have been… somewhat frightening, to say
the least. Sure, good little children would find themselves awash in
the gifts of their yuletide sugar daddy, but bad children could expect
nothing in the best-case scenario, and in the worst-case scenario,
they could expect to be beaten or kidnapped by one of Santa's thugs.
Of course, back in the day, threats of violence and an uncertain fate
at the hands of a menacing fiend barely even fazed children, whereas
today, making such statements would almost certainly land a person on
some sort of government watch list. Regardless, as Christmas itself
began to evolve, so too did the punishments for those children who
misbehaved. In the past, a child who misbehaved might expect to
receive a stick to warn them that they would be beaten with said stick
if they continued to misbehave, but with the advent of the stocking,
kids on Santa's naughty list soon found themselves receiving coal
instead. The implication: stop misbehaving or you will be burned at
the stake. Nowadays, parents tend to downplay the imagery of molten
flesh and burning hair, but the main idea is still the same: if you
act up, you're gonna burn for it!
Eggnog
Eggnog is arguably the one drink that is most identifiable with the
Christmas season. It consists of eggs, milk, cream, sugar, and
brandy/rum, with greater percentages of the latter being added as the
holiday draws near. However, the exact origin of this noggy beverage
has been a subject of debate for years, among those who care about the
origins of semi-popular seasons drinks. Luckily, the I-Mockery
archives contain the true story of the origin of eggnog. It began
centuries ago in Europe during the Dark Ages. As you may have surmised
from the name, these were not good times, and so the people of the day
sought even the slightest bit of whimsy to distract them from their
miserable serfdom. One of the main sources of such distractions (and
also one of the main sources of medical knowledge at the time), were
wizards. Not all wizards were created equal, however. Case in point:
the wizard Nöggen. Whereas other wizards would shock and delight
audiences with impressive feats of prestidigitation, Nöggen had only
one trick, namely that he had the incredible ability to separate egg
whites from egg yolks. It was most impressive, yes, but Nöggen felt
that he could do so much more with his trick, if only he knew what to
do with it. Then, a stroke of genius led him to discover that adding
milk, sugar, and alcohol to his magic byproducts gave him a tasty
drink that he sold during his shows to make a little extra money.
Unfortunately, the first alcohol that he applied in his new drink was
communion wine, and the Church had poor Nöggen burned at the stake for
heresy, and for wasting good eggs.
Christmas Specials
It's almost a given that everyone has seen a Christmas special at some
point in their lives. For some, the very first special they saw was
the famous Peanuts special, "It's Christmas, Charlie Brown!" and for
others in the older generations, their very first Christmas special
may have been slightly less famous Amos n' Andy Christmas special, "Ah
Shore Do Love Chrimmus!" which is currently banned by all the states
in the union. The story of the very first Christmas special, however,
begins all the way back in the year 1 AD (or 1 b.c.e for you heathens
out there). As you may or may not know, when Jesus was born, he was
visited by three wise men who bestowed upon him the gifts of gold,
frankincense, and myrrh. Three objects that are of absolutely no
interest/use to a child. As such, the race began the following year to
outdo the totally lame gifts of the "wise" men. The competition would
be fierce, and so the originally three knew that they would need to
redeem themselves with the son of the ultimate power of the universe,
or else they would almost certainly not be receiving any "Thank You"
notes. With that in mind, they decided that they should put on a show
full of Christmas carols and yuletide merriment to delight the infant
savior. Unfortunately, as this was only the second Christmas, there
were no Christmas carols to sing; "Joy to the World" wouldn't be
written for centuries, and "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" wasn't
due out for another month. To make matters worse, their skits were a
flop with the baby Jesus, as he was far too young to grasp complex
ironies and observational comedy. As things looked their bleakest, the
three wise men struggled to come up with something that would
entertain their divine audience, and so they put a kid with a drum
onstage to stall for time. As luck would have it, the noise of the
drum did elicit laughter and squeals of delight from the son of God,
and even though the drummer couldn't think of any song lyrics and was
forced to sing "pa rum pum pum pum," he still killed with that
audience. He was so good that the three wise men left him out there
for the rest of the show, and at the end of those eight hours, the boy
collapsed, dead from the world's first fatal case of Carpal Tunnel
Syndrome. Three wise men wisely told Mary and Joseph that he had just
fainted and only needed some bed rest, and the next day, they tossed
the body in a cheap wooden coffin and buried it on the outskirts of
town. This, oddly enough, is also the true origin of the Canadian
tradition of Boxing Day.
And there you have it. I hope that by dispelling the rumors and
hearsay about the Christmas season that I have given you the greatest
gift of all: knowledge. It's like getting a gift certificate, in that
you have to use it by a specific date, or else it will lose all its
value. Then again, maybe you buy gift certificates at places that
don't have expirations dates on their gift certificates. Regardless,
that's what I've learned this Christmas: read the fine print, damnit.
I mean, humbug.
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CLICK HERE TO READ THE HISTORY OF CHRISTMAS
PART I!
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