Comic: "The Ultimates 3, #5"
Published by: Marvel Comics
Written by: Jeff Loeb
Artist: Joe Madureira

Reviewer: Max Burbank
Posted: 11/17/2008

Plot: Yeah, so, apparently Ultimate Ultron (who’s kind of also Ultimate Yellowjacket) killed Ultimate Scarlet Witch ‘cause she flirted with him, but it turned out to be a tease, ‘cause she was actually involved with her brother, Ultimate Quicksilver, which is Ultimately yucky. Then while all the Ultimates are off on a wild goose chase having a big old superfight with the Ultimate Brotherhood of Evil Mutants in the Ultimate Savage Land (Because the classic Avengers going on a wild goose chase and having a big old superfight with Skrull doppleganger Avengers in the classic Savage Land in the classic Marvel Universe this month wasn’t enough stupid) Ultimate Yellowjacket/Ultron makes a bunch of robot doppleganger Ultimates (Because the classic Avengers having a big old superfight with doppleganger classic Avengers in the classic Marvel Universe wasn’t enough doppleganger Avengers fighting each other in the Savage Land for one month) and takes them to the Ultimate Savage Land to have a big old superfight with the Ultimates (because I’m sure you get the idea at this point). Oh, and Ultimate Wolverine is there because apparently Classic Wolverine being in the classic Avengers wasn’t enough Wolverine everywhere so they had to team up Ultimate Wolverine with the Ultimates to achieve maximum stupidity. Then it turns out that Ultimate Black Panther was actually Ultimate Cap wearing an Ultimate Black Panther costume for pretty much no reason at all, and the Ultimates beat the robot doppelganger Ultimates, and Ultimate Hawkeye tries to kill Ultimate Magneto but Ultimate Quicksilver takes the bullet and THEN, see, it turns out the whole thing was manipulated by Ultimate Doctor Doom because oh, why not.

Review: Sweet Jesus Toothpaste. Can I just ask, do any of you fanboys know, did Jeff Loeb actually read the first two Ultimate Arcs? ‘Cause, if he didn’t, why? And if he did, why does he hate Mark Millar so much? Did Mark Millar kill Jeff Loeb’s parents and then grind them up and make meatloaf out of them and invite Jeff Loeb over for dinner and halfway through the meal say “Oh, by the way, did you know, you’re eating your own parents?” Because, seriously, I can’t for the life of me think of anything else that could possibly explain the massive steaming poopy Jeff Loeb decided to drop on Mark Millar’s creation. Honestly.

If there’s any point whatsoever in having an Ultimate Universe (which in case you’re wondering, there pretty much isn’t) it’s to write Marvel Characters that have been around since I was in diapers from a NEW ANGLE. Which Mark Millar very nicely put on a straight face for and tried very hard to do. So, see, ULTIMATE cap JUST RECENTLY woke up from world war two, so he acts like your grandfather and is more like a soldier than a superhero, which is kind of going back to the Stan Lee take on Cap except writing it well. So making him secretly go undercover as the Ultimate Black Panther is TOTALLY OUT OF CHARACTER and erases the whole reason for doing an Ultimate Cap in the first place. And ULTIMATE Thor didn’t talk like he was a third rate Shakespearean actor because that was the stupidest aspect of classic Thor because why the HELL would a Norse god speak poorly rendered Elizabethan English. So making Ultimate Thor suddenly start spouting “Thee” and “Thou” like a particularly inept improv comic stinking up a comedy club after some drunk in the audience shouted ‘Shakespeare’ as a style suggestion and giving NO EXPLANATION WHATEVER for doing it either means Loeb never read Millar’s Ultimates, and again, WHY, or he for some reason feels he has to take a massive steaming poopy on it which brings us back to the whole revenge for forced cannibalism scenario and now I have the kind of headache that generally signifies the early stages of a fatal stroke.

I hate this book. I really, really, really do. Because it’s very bad. This is a very, very, very bad comic book. It reeks like a sulfur fume. This book is Liefeld bad. If this comic book were a president of the United States, it would only be a little better at being President than George Bush Junior. This comic book is George Bush senior. Seriously. Mr. Loeb should be ashamed to cash his paycheck. I hope I’ve made myself clear. God damn it. I need a shower. From reading this comic book.

seriously.

Overall rating:
(Scored on a 0.5 - 5 pickles rating: 0.5 being the worst and 5 being the best)