Weeklies

Comic: "The Ultimates 3, #4"
Published by: Marvel Comics
Written by: Jeff Loeb
Artist: Joe Madureira

Reviewer: Max Burbank
Posted: 7/20/2008

Plot: Ultimate Wolverine and half of the Ultimates are in the Ultimate Savage Land with Ultimate Kazar, Ultimate Sheena and Ultimate Zabu fighting with the Ultimate Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. Meanwhile the other half of the Ultimates are back in New York fighting each other because Iron Man turns out not to have any Tony Stark in him and has become an evil robot.

Review: Seriously, all of you collectively owe me $2.99, which is exactly two dollars and ninety-nine cents more than this horrible, horrible, horrible book is worth. We open with a flashback which we know is a flashback because it’s in black and white and also the text says it’s ‘years ago’. Ultimate Chuck Xavier and Ultimate Magneto are in a plane with Ultimate baby Scarlet Witch and Ultimate baby Quicksilver that is going to crash because if you see a plane in an X-book there’s a 99.999% chance it will crash. Here’s some career advice if you live in a Marvel comic book, don’t sell flight insurance to Mutants. They all live because nobody ever dies in any of these plain crashes, seriously, the average X-man has walked away from like 75 plane crashes which must really piss off the ghost of the Thunderbird or whatever the hell the name of the Native American in (count ‘em) two issues (Giant sized X-men #4 and X-men #94 if memory serves) dies in his very first plane crash (okay, mid-air explosion, but it still counts). Anyway, the happy travelers soon run into Ultimate baby Kazar, Ultimate baby Sheen and Ultimate kitten Zabu which I guess means Saber tooth tigers live way longer than regular tigers. Why did I spend this much time on this painfully stupid three-page flashback? Because the rest of the book is worse. I’m serious.

For the entire rest of the book we flip flop back and forth between a pretty much unfollowable fight in the Savage land and an equally unfollowable fight at Avengers mansion. There’s no plot motion, no new information, just super people hitting each other for page after page telling you stuff you already know. Ultimate Hawkeye still has that death wish he had last issue, Ultimate Panther is still not saying anything, Ultimate Wolverine is still almost but not quite spilling Ultimate Panther’s secret. Oh, also it was at this point that I first realized that in the Ultimate universe, Kazar and Shana each have their own saber tooth tiger. Which is pretty much the only thing Ultimate Jeff Loeb does in this issue that lets you know Ultimate marvel is in any way at all different from regular old Marvel. Unless you count Ultimate Pyro’s thinly veiled suggestion that he and Ultimate Mastermind rape Ultimate Valkyrie while she’s hypnotized. If you’re reading this, Jeff, I’m going to suggest that there might be more you could do with a whole alternate universe version of characters that already have books than giving them extra tigers and exposing your rape fantasies. I’m just saying. All of this wasting of my time is too set up two big shocker reveals, so again, should you actually be subjecting yourself to this book without getting paid for it like me, spoiler alert. Ultimate Magneto asks Ultimate Quicksilver if his Ultimate sister is ‘safe’, which I guess means she’s alive, (gasp!) unless Mr. Loeb intends to add necrophilia to the incest and rape he’s already treated us to in his run on this title. Meanwhile it turns out that not only Iron Man, but also all the Ultimates except Ultimate wasp and Ultimate Ant Man are robots which I’m pretty sure means Ultimate Yellowjacket, who you see in the second shocking reveal is Ultimate Ultron.

Honestly, I wish Mark Millar and Brian Hitch would take a break from the excellent job they’re doing on Fantastic Four to beat the stuffing out of Jeff Loeb for pooping all over the groundbreaking work they did on Ultimates volume One and Two. They could take pictures and make a little photo comic book and it would be way, way better than Ultimates volume three.

Overall rating: Half
(Scored on a 0.5 - 5 pickles rating: 0.5 being the worst and 5 being the best)

Reader Comments

Fanboy
Jul 21st, 2008, 08:17 AM
There seriously needs to be an Ultimate version of me, and he could go and slaughter everybody connected to this comic. Extra tigers and rape fantasies? That's me all over.
Forum Virgin
Jul 21st, 2008, 08:47 AM
Wasn't Pyro an X-Man? Why does he now want to rape chicks?
Forum Virgin
Jul 21st, 2008, 02:01 PM
I hate, hate, hate this series. I've hated it since vol 1 and am amazed enough people buy this for it to have made it to vol 3. HATE!
Member
Jul 21st, 2008, 02:20 PM
The first two volumes of The Ultimates are probably the only comics related to the ultimate universe that I can remotely stand, but volume 3 has to be the worst by far. Remember Cage: MAX? It was overly racist and had some terrible art, but I'd read that eleventybillion times before I read Ultimates 3.
Crazed Techno-Biologist
Jul 21st, 2008, 08:44 PM
please, no more ultimates, they suck. {i mean the word ultimate}
well, im pretty sure most of this is read for graphic american animation style boobies.
just like how she-hulk survives.
so as long as horomones run through our veins,
someones gonna sell a few of these.
im sorry you bought one.
but it was in the name of review,
and we respect your honorable sacrifice.
Member
Jul 21st, 2008, 10:21 PM
Ultimates 1 and 2 were pretty solid books. Better then most of the crap in the 626 universe.

Oh and Pyro was only a X-man in the movies. He's just a pissed off Australian in the comics.
The Goddamned Batman
Jul 21st, 2008, 11:32 PM
This book has been the most fascinating train wreck. I hate it so much and yet I can't look away.
Virgin Forum
Jul 22nd, 2008, 02:53 AM
Ultimate Pyro was wonderfully written by Robert Kirkman, and I have no idea how he went from being an X-man, to being a rapist or even a part of the Brotherhood.

When I read this in the comic shop I punched the dollar-bin when no one was looking.
Forum Virgin
Jul 22nd, 2008, 08:27 AM
Pyro was an X-Man in Ultimate X-Men. Also, I thought Mystique was impersonating Magneto in jail, yet in Ultimates vol. 3, the Ultimates don't seem concerned that Magneto isn't locked up. And they act like they've fought all these people hundreds of times before when most of them haven't even met. Does Loeb understand that this is the Ultimate Universe?

After this issue I started to thing that maybe the entire Brotherhood is made up of robot versions of the villians, and that would be the explanation of why they're acting out of character but even that wouldn't really make sense.
Virgin Forum
Jul 22nd, 2008, 07:26 PM
They might as well all be Skrulls considering Leob doesn't know (or care) which Universe he's in.
Pickleman's Uncle
Jul 23rd, 2008, 09:55 PM
You should buy all the issues they've printed, that way no one can read them and you win!
pickled
Jul 29th, 2008, 04:23 AM
I hate the Ultimate Universe.
Fookin' up planets!
Jul 29th, 2008, 05:45 AM
Marvel just can't help itself... it's writers are terrorizing the fans and characters we have all grown to love. Clone Saga, Iron Man becoming an asshole (after the kick ass film version), the "No more Mutants" saga, the "One last day" or whatever the fuck it was called. I have a pitch for Marvel... how about a one shot story of Wolverine gutting the fuck out of Aunt May and then skull fucking her while Sabertooth eats a leg? eh? Marvel if you dig that shit I got a lot more for you.
Fookin' up planets!
Jul 29th, 2008, 05:50 AM
oh shit I almost forgot the whole "Who is and who isn't a Skrull" story line. How about all the Characters of the Marvel Universe get their own one shot called "_____ kills Aunt May!" And make them all be Skrull versions of her just so we can see them all fuck her up? But saying that... I still want my original idea to be the first death of Aunt May...

May: "Peter sweetheart I just made your favorite cookies..."
Wolverine: "Snikt" hehehe
May: death moan
Sabertooth: "Thanks for killing the dried out old bitch runt"
Wolverine: "No problem... ya want a leg?"
Sabertooth: "Hell yes!"
Wolverine: "I'll carve."

THE END
Virgin Forum
Jul 29th, 2008, 08:37 PM
Read the Marvel Zombies one shot to get your "Horrible Gruesome Aunt May Death" fix.
Fookin' up planets!
Jul 31st, 2008, 03:44 AM
I forgot about that one.. but still I want "MORE" AUNT MAY MASSACRE!!!

Hey Max, how about a column titled "The best of Aunt May getting the shit kicked out of her"???? Come on admit it has a nice ring to it.